I carefully approached the window as not to disturb him. I gently pulled the sheer curtain open to see him. Tommy was seated. His long legs stretched out and crossed; his back was supported by the outside wall of the brownstone. He gazed off into the distance. I wanted so badly to be able to read his mind, to know what he thought of me. Me….Of course, because what else could he possibly have on his mind, but me? I shook my head in disgust. I was irritated by my own assumptions. Maybe I wasn’t the reason for his despondency, although we were the only two people in the living room today. I wanted badly to make amends and move forward.
I climbed out onto the roof. Just then the sill of the window creaked, which alerted Tommy to my presence. He immediately reached out to steady me.
“Hey, careful, this isn’t exactly a balcony, Raven.” He stated, as he held my arm until I was seated next to him on the roof. Then he let me go.
We didn’t look at each other and neither of us uttered a word to one another for quite some time. We just sat out there, quietly. It was late in the day and the sun’s rays were bright orange and pink. They soon faded and were somewhat shrouded by the houses that were opposite Tommy’s on the block. I spoke first, because this mess was my doing.
“Tommy, I know I’m always apologizing. It seems like that’s all I ever do lately, but I am sorry for being rude. I know you’re only trying to help me and to do what’s best for me, but I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” I tried to make him understand that my motive for being here was to get well and not to start up where we left off in our sexual relationship. That couldn't ever happen again.
Tommy’s jaw tightened; he kept his body forward and turned his gaze toward me. “Stop overthinking this situation, Raven, for more than it is.” He stated, as a matter of fact.
“I’m not overthinking it. I know what you're doing. You're having me stay here to show me that you can care for me better than your brother did, so we can get closer, so we can be a couple. I’m just trying to let you know, ‘us’ can never happen. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I won’t sleep with you anymore.” I admitted.
That was one of the toughest statements I ever had to say to someone I truly cared about. One, because I didn’t want my words to hurt Tommy and two, because I knew I had to deny my feelings for him. I had to deny that they grew stronger with everything that he did for me, but it would be wrong. I was engaged to his brother and even though that was over, we couldn’t continue to sleep together or even try to create a new relationship between us from a foundation that was so dysfunctional from the start. We’ve hurt enough people, including ourselves by our actions. If we pursued this any further nothing good would ever come from it. I knew I was right to stop it before someone got hurt or we resented one another so much that we would no longer be in each other’s life.
For the first time, I understood why Rain guarded her feelings towards Tommy. I realized why she didn’t pursue a more intense relationship with him in all the years that they hung out together. It was for similar reasons that I had now. It was two different situations, yet the same. Our friendship with Tommy would be lost. It really started to make perfect sense.
Tommy stared at me intensely. It was hard for me to stay focused. Tommy was an extraordinarily sexy man. There was no way not to see that, but when he looked at me he wasn’t using his good looks to pursue me. I could tell his thoughts were focused on true feelings. It unnerved me to say the least, that he could see straight through me. No matter how large I made that invisible wall, he was able to subconsciously break it down and reach my heart. NO! I couldn’t allow it to break down. This was the one time that I wouldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t act out to get what I wanted. This would have to be my punishment for a lifetime of self-indulgent behavior. No matter how much this hurt inside I wouldn’t, couldn’t drag Tommy into a relationship with me. He was too good of a person to end up with someone like myself. This was probably the only unselfish thing I had ever done in my entire life and I needed to stick to it.
I waited for him to respond.
“Say something.” I prompted.
Then, to my surprised, he pulled me into his lap and took my face in his hands. His voice was soft, yet stern, as he spoke.
“Listen to me. You don’t get to decide what is happening here. For your information, babe, I didn’t bring you here to fuck you. I don’t have any other motives than to give you a place quiet enough for you to rest and make you well, so you could get on with your life and you’d be in a healthier state of mind. I don’t intend to sleep with you, Raven, if that’s what you thought.” A small, triumphant sneer played across Tommy’s face.
I was speechless and felt a twinge of disappointment. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I was confused. Although I continued to just sit there in his lap. He made the decision for me. Tommy lifted me off of him and placed me back down next to him where I was seated before. Then he took my hand, turned to me, and let out a long exhale.
“Let’s just enjoy this sunset, shall we? Then, I’ll heat up the takeout that I’m sure you haven’t touched and we can share an evening watching movies together. You know, just like old friends do.” He gave me a small smile before he resumed his relaxed position against the building without letting go of my hand. He was being kind and supportive. That was it, nothing more, nothing less.
Once the sun finally set, we went inside as promised.Also as promised, Tommy heated up the food and we watched movies on the couch until we were both fast asleep. It was about ten o’clock in the morning on Sunday when we both woke up… in each other’s arms. Tommy yawned and set his not so awake gaze on me. He stretched his arms behind him and placed them under his head. In the middle of the night, I had somehow gotten wedged between Tommy’s body and the pillows on the back of the sectional. I was stuck and Tommy needed to get up for me to move, but he stayed right where he was.
I could tell he was pleasantly amused by my position on his sofa.
“Good morning, babe; I must admit this is somewhat awkward, but tell me did you get your beauty rest?” He teased.
“Are you going to get up?” I asked, as I pushed him in his side.
“Hey, is that any way for you to treat your host and caregiver?” He continued to find this funny.
“C’mon, Tommy, I need to get up.” I poked him again.
“Actually, there is nothing that you need to do, but if you want me to move then say please.”
He was a two year old.
“Please, get up!” I grumbled.
“Nope, not good enough, you didn’t act like you meant it. Now ask again and be sincere this time.” He said, as he tried to hold a straight face.
I, on the other hand, didn’t find this at all funny and I certainly wasn’t smiling. “Are you or are you not going to let me up?” The tone of my voice unveiled a hint of displeasure in it.
Tommy let out a frustrated exhale and rose off the couch, which allowed me to start my day. Well, at least to go and freshen up, so I could lay back down again. Ugh…the mandatory bed-rest was not going to be easy for me.
I quietly stood up to pass him. Tommy gently gripped my upper arm to stop me. “Raven, listen, I know this isn’t easy for you. I didn’t mean to make things worse. I just thought you’d like to stay here and get some rest with no judgments or pressures, but if you want to leave just say the word and I’ll take you back to the duplex.”
“Tommy, please believe me when I say I know that you're only trying to help. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not comfortable taking help from you or anyone else for that matter. It’s not who I am. I can’t change that, but I appreciate the sacrifices you've made and I promise to be more grateful.”
“I’m not asking for gratitude, Raven. I’m asking that you use this time to get well and don’t challenge me at every turn. You're making this hard when it doesn’t have to be. Now, I’m going to shower. When I finish, I’ll run out and get us something to eat.” He released my arm
and walked into the foyer towards the stairs. Then he turned to face me. “Babe, thanks for a surprisingly nice wake-up call. Oh, there are extra towels in Rain’s old room should you want to… take a shower.” Then he smiled wide and disappeared upstairs to his room.
The thought of Tommy’s well-built tattooed body all wet and covered in lather started to arouse me. I needed to get hold of myself. Clearly I was the one still attracted to him and not the other way around.
Breathe, Raven, breathe. I couldn’t believe how unglued I became when Tommy spoke to me. I didn’t know how I could possibly get through two more nights alone with him without him being able to see that I was attracted to him.
Even being bitchy didn’t work with Tommy. I definitely think I needed to call Rain and see if we could come down to the shore house sooner. It would be much easier to stay away from each other with Dominick, Rain, and the twins to distract us. At the very least, it would alleviate the difficulty of being alone with him.
While Tommy was in the shower, I called my sister. She picked up immediately.
“Raven, I’m so glad to hear your voice. Tommy filled me in on what went on at the hospital. Do you need anything? What can I do to help?” Rain’s voice was such a comfort to me. She was always ready to do anything she could for the people she loved, and now was no exception.
“It’s so good to hear your voice too, Rain. I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me after my call the other night interrupted your playtime with Dominick.” I reminded her of the call I made to her on Friday.
“Yeah, well you didn’t exactly have the best timing that night, Raven.” She giggled.
I knew with Rain’s good mood that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to see if I could spend my time recuperating at the shore house with her and her family.
“Rain, can I come down and stay with you guys tonight? Please.” I was desperate.
“Raven, tell me what’s going on? The truth, I want the truth.”
I had Rain’s full attention, so I decided, if I couldn’t admit my desires to Tommy, at the very least I could share them with my sister and maybe get some relief from what I had been feeling emotionally in the past few months and especially in the last couple of days.
“I came over here to your old place to talk Tommy out of going to your end of the summer party, because I felt that if Michael were to accept your invite then he and I would have a chance to hash things out. So many things had been left unfinished between us, Rain. The two of them are not speaking and I knew Michael wouldn’t go if Tommy was there.”
“So you thought you could use my party for your own agenda, Raven? When will you ever learn that your childish behavior and schemes are not acceptable?” She was not pleased.
“I know, I know. I was wrong.”
“Wait, I can’t possibly be hearing you correctly. Did you say you were wrong?”
“Yeah, I was wrong and I was about to apologize to Tommy when I became lightheaded and fainted in his foyer.” I reluctantly revealed.
“Tommy told me. What exactly has been going on with you and why didn’t you come to me?” She went from pissed to genuinely concerned in a split second.
My sister was the best person I knew. She rarely held a grudge. She had always put family first. She even put aside her own differences, so that she could help with any given situation that a person may be going through. Like with me right now.
“Yes, I fainted and Tommy caught me and took me to the emergency room. I had blacked out and when I woke up there was a doctor assessing my condition. Tommy never left. He stayed there with me through the whole thing.” I paused.
“Raven, you’re not telling me the whole story. Let’s have it.”
“If you would give me a chance, I was getting to that. Anyway, after the doctor examined me and reviewed my tests and blood work, he said that I had some sort of adrenal fatigue. My lab work was abnormal and I was completely dehydrated. I told him our family history and he said that although I don’t have Thalassemia, I have some sort of condition that does affect my B-12 levels and the added stress of my current personal life and my career at the firm was what brought this on so suddenly.”
“Raven, you know as well as I do that this was not sudden at all. You haven't been taking care of yourself for months, so basically it has finally caught up with you. The question is, now that you know what’s happening, what are you going to do to fix it?” She asked, as if she already knew what I needed to do and that she would be right there making sure I did it.
“I have to take a leave of absence from the firm and try to get complete bed-rest. I told the doctor that it was unrealistic, so I agreed that I would work from home and stay off my feet. That’s when Tommy suggested I stay with him. The doctor agreed that it would be good to have someone take care of me, so that I’m not alone for the time being, because of my fainting spells.” I regretted telling her, as soon as my words hit my lips.
“So this isn’t the first time you’ve blacked out?” She questioned.
“Yes, it was the first time I fainted, but not the first time I felt dizzy. I just chalked it up to everything going on in my life. Which was true, but the doctor explained that if I didn’t get my health in check the next episode could be far worse. So, I agreed to stay with Tommy, but it’s not working out and I was wondering if we could come down tonight and I could stay with you while I recuperate. Then Tommy could go to Bali as planned.”
“Tommy has you twisted. I can hear it in the tone of your voice.” Rain got great pleasure from this at my expense. “I’m right, admit it.”
“I hate that you're right, but okay, you're right. Tommy is so…” Rain cut me off.
“Oh, so sexy, but soulful?” She was so pleased with her descriptive question of him.
“No, well, yes, but he is also gently powerful.”
I could almost feel her smile through the phone.
“Yeah, I get it. He’s got you tied up in knots. I can tell. So, my next question is why would you want all of what you're feeling about Tommy to end? You have him all to yourself. I’m surprised that you aren’t exploring it to see where it goes. Not that I would agree that you should, mind you.”
“You mean where it would end? You know that’s what will happen. It will end badly. He already knows I’m not you and I can’t be you, so he’ll just be disappointed by something I do or don’t do and he’ll get fed up and leave. Like I said, I’m not you, Rain. This way I’m saving him the trouble. Why start something I can’t finish or that will come to an end eventually?”
“Wow, you've got it all figured out. Why didn’t I come up with that? I could have answered all of my own questions. Here is what you don’t get. Tommy isn’t helping you or taking care of you to replace me, so get that idea out of that stubborn head of yours. Tommy is taking care of you because he cares about what happens to you, Raven, because that is the type of man he is. It’s what he’s made of. Try to remember that while you are stomping on his heart. This is what I mean about you not trying with him. He will get hurt far worse than you.” Rain sliced through me.
“I know what type of man he is and that’s why I’m trying to distance myself from him. He’s too good for me and I’m not good enough for him. That’s why I want to come down tonight. Please Rain, please help me.” I can’t believe I begged her, but I did. I couldn't be alone with Tommy tonight. I was too attracted to him. I wanted him, but I didn’t deserve him. This was the best solution.
“I don’t think you should be in a relationship with him, but only you can decide that…you and Tommy, but it appears like you are already running. You know that, don’t you? Which confirms completely what I’m saying to you.” Rain’s voice seemed defeated.
“I slept with Tommy and I can’t continue to do it and have my feelings grow for him. It will all end in disappointment. Besides, this whole thing is one big cluster fuck. I was supposed to marry Michael next year. Instead, he most likely cheated on me numerous times, and I slep
t with his brother. Not that you would get that this is abnormal behavior. I mean you fell in love with and married a man that kidnapped you. To you this must seem all too tame.” I realized what I said and had wished I could take it back.
I insulted my sister’s life and her judgement. Now, I knew she wouldn't let me come stay with her tonight and perhaps she might take back her invite for me to come to her party altogether. I was so stupid. I never learned to stop and think.
There was silence.
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say what you just said to me and I will let you come down tonight on two conditions. One, I have to clear it with Mr. Kane. It is his birthday after all. And two, Tommy stays. He is not driving you down here and leaving the same night. It will be late by the time you both arrive and I don’t want him to fall asleep behind the wheel while heading back to the city. You got it?” She waited for my answer.
The Ties That Bind (Miss Taken Identity #3) Page 5
