“What about Diana?” I asked and that’s when I saw it—the twitch on his upper lip.
“What about her?”
“Are you still together?” He shifted in his seat and adjusted the beanie on his head, covering his ear.
“I plan on breaking up with her. I feel bad doing it during the holidays,” he said, his heart thumped faster, “but I will as soon as we get back to the city and before the semester begins.” He wetted his lips nervously and I quirked an eyebrow. No he won’t.
The waitress brought us our meals. I started to eat and avoided any conversation—much less his eyes. I was angry, not angry enough that my wolf stirred, but it was more like a disappointment. I was hurt that he’d lie to me and try to have his cake and eat it too. I could be wrong, but it seemed like he only wanted me for winter break. Once we returned to the city, he’d change his mind and kick me to the curb again. I let it happen once, but I wouldn’t let it happen again—no matter how comfortable I felt with him. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle with him, with someone who only wanted me out of convenience. That wasn’t someone I wanted in my life for the long haul.
We finished our meal and James paid the bill. The walk home was quieter than it was during brunch, but I preferred it. I needed to be left alone with my thoughts. I needed to figure out what I was going to say and how to keep my cool. No matter how calm I may be at the beginning, the wolf’s anger seemed to always make an appearance. And this was a delicate situation that I didn’t want to ruin with my temper. I couldn’t be reckless.
James reached for my hand and I let him. We walked home, hand and hand, and I wanted to marinate in the feel of us touching each other for the last time—because this would be it. I couldn’t let this little charade go on any longer.
We were almost to my house when he gripped my hand and pulled me into him. With his free hand tangled in my hair, he smashed his mouth on mine. My arms were trapped against our chests and I tried to push him away without using any extra strength, but James wasn’t getting the picture. I pulled my lips in a thin line, but he was still trying to force me into a kiss. With no other option, and with a little extra power than necessary, I backed away from him.
“What the hell, man!” I yelled at him and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I had to remember to take my voice down a notch. Jonah said he’d be leaving but I wasn’t too sure he actually was. Unless I misread yesterday’s situation (which was totally possible), I think he’d still be keeping an eye on me even if someone else was assigned. Then again I could be thinking too highly of myself.
“Geez, Kenz, what?” James said as he rubbed a sore spot on his chest where I pushed him.
“What? What? I said no kissing, asshole!” My temper was flaring and the speech I was prepared to make was thrown out the window. “Don’t ever push yourself on me like that again, Jameson Theodore, I swear I’ll blow this whole plan of yours to Mars if you fuck with me,” I growled and had to take some deep breaths. My wolf was riled up and sometimes when that happened, my canines or claws liked to make an appearance. It was daylight and it didn’t seem like the wisest of choices.
“Kenz, I thought we were on the same page. Don’t you still love me? Even if you don’t, we still have to act like everything is normal. If we don’t display any forms of affection, they’ll figure it out.”
“Good! They need to figure it out because Nana asked when the wedding is and I wanted to tell her not in this lifetime. Because you are nothing but scum, James! You don’t love me, you just want a cheap fuck and you think I’m desperate enough to give it to you. You’re wrong! You need to stop being such a little bitch and just tell them about Diana. You were never planning on breaking it off with her anyway!” I screamed and his face turned beet red.
“This is why!” he yelled and I flinched. “This is why I cheated on your ass! Because you’re too damn aggressive and you can’t hold a damn conversation with me, without degrading me as a man! Always trying to tell me what to do and how to act!” He got in my face and my nostrils were flaring. This wasn’t good.
“James,” I gritted through my teeth, “you need to back the hell away from me.”
“Or what, Mackenzie? You’re gonna hit me? Go ahead, do your best!” he said and got so close, we were practically touching.
“James,” I growled in caution. I could feel the wolf bubbling to the top and Amy wasn’t around to calm me down.
“I fucked Diana because of you. I had been doing it for months,” he sneered and that was the last straw.
With my head bent, he probably thought I just didn’t want to look at him because I was ashamed, but it was because my canines were out. They ripped through my gums and I winced from the slight pain. My body shook as I tried to grip the last bit of control, but it was no use. I backhanded him and he went flying about ten feet away from me. I growled louder this time as I hunched over on all fours on the side walk. I hadn’t gone completely wolf—I was in that mid-stage that Sebastian flashed the night at Pete’s bar. I felt the ripple of my bones adjusting and it was painful, but the anger in me overflowed and eased the ache.
My eyesight focused and zoned in on James limp body. He wasn’t moving. I should have been concerned and rushed to help him—but I didn’t. I wanted to rush over and finish him off. The lure of biting into his skin and tearing him into pieces was making my mouth salivate.
A snarl came from beside me, and Jonah stood over me in human form. “Heel!” he barked and my body froze in response. The wolf in me didn’t think twice about defying him. “Shift!” he roared and the wave of the Change took over me. My bones paused for a moment and then started to rearrange back to normal. With my adrenaline coming down from its high, I felt all the hurt and pain from the truth and the tears of agony—both physical and emotional—swept through me. Once it was over, I laid on the sidewalk in the fetal position, shivering in a cold sweat. My clothing had been stretched out and my jeans had ripped in certain parts, but I was too tired and hurt to care or try and cover up. Jonah leaned over me, picked me off the ground, and carried me toward my house. I let my head fall on his broad shoulder and closed my eyes. The fear of what I could have done took over and the guilt followed in droves.
When I’d first learned I was a werewolf, I was terrified I’d be a danger to the people around me. I considered myself a monster and once I learned my wolf’s routine and her triggers, I accepted what I’d become and learned to live my life around those restrictions. Yes, I became more aggressive and more of a loner than I usually was, but it was okay. I didn’t feel bad for myself as long as everyone I cared about was safe. But now? That monster depression I’d had many years ago flooded back in and I didn’t think I could handle that again. It was a dark time I’d rather not revisit.
“Shhh,” Jonah cooed in my ear and I realized I was whining like a dog.
He headed down to the basement and locked the door behind us. I hadn’t been down here in years. It had become a storage for us, but when we were younger it was our playroom. The futon was in the middle of the room with a comforter neatly folded on top of the pillows. He laid me on there and went to undress me. I violently shook my head; I didn’t want him to see me naked. I knew it’s the last thing I should have been worrying about but, I couldn’t.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry, babe, I won’t,” he said softly and grabbed the comforter, draping it over my quivering body. He brushed my now damp hair back and I wished I could just give in to him, just one time, but this—being intimate with someone else—was one of the things that I was deathly afraid of.
“James,” I croaked and Jonah’s soft features, darkened. His face scrunched up in disgust.
“What about that asshole?” he said tightly.
“Is he okay?” He might not care, but I was the one who hit him and the last I saw, he was lying limp on the concrete. What if I seriously injured him? I couldn’t live with myself if I did. I was mad at him for being a douche and cheating on me wit
h Diana, but I’d rather wish him herpes than death.
Jonah eyed me, weighing his options, but I think he realized I was worried about having hurt James more than his physical wounds, if that makes any sense. “I’ll be back.”
He’d only been gone for about ten minutes before he returned. At least I thought so, I was dozing off when I heard the basement door open and close again.
“Hey,” he smiled at me as he sat on the edge of the futon and caressed my cheek.
“Is he?” I couldn’t finish, but he knew what I was worried about.
He shook his head. “The bastard is fine. Just had a little concussion, I sneaked him into his house and dropped him in his room to sleep it off,” he said and my eyes widened.
“Jonah!” I squeaked. “If he has a concussion he can’t sleep,” I tried to urge how important it was but I didn’t have the energy.
He chuckled. “Mackenzie, he’ll be fine, don’t worry. You need to rest.”
I don’t know why I felt reassured by that. I shouldn’t have, but if he said James was going to be fine, then I believed him. “Jonah, what’s wrong with me?” I needed to know because this had never happened to me. I’ve been angry and been able to control myself, but this…this was rage. And I didn’t even want to get started on what happened between us at the bed and breakfast.
“It’s complicated,” he said and looked away. “Let me ask you a question first…when the full moon comes around, where do you go to shift?” he turned back to look at me and he was all business.
“Uh…I have a cage,” I said hoarsely.
He snarled. I flinched and scooted away from him because he bared his canines at me and it wasn’t friendly. “Sorry,” he said, but I was still hesitant. “Do you ever run?”
I sat up slowly and leaned on my elbow. Run? “Yeah, when I go to the gym, sometimes I go on the treadmill,” I said confused.
He shook his head. “No, I mean does your wolf ever run?”
Oh. I shook my head and the look he gave me shattered me to a thousand pieces. I couldn’t see his dimple anymore and some of the color in his face had drained. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The look of disappointment and pity undid me. Why did I even care?
“That isn’t safe, Mackenzie. How have you been controlling the wolf for this long?”
“I don’t know,” I said warily. “She only comes out for the three days of the full moon. Then she just sort of disappears.” I shrugged.
“She disappears? No, you need to let the wolf out and be free those days, if not she’ll come out at times like this and you could put people in serious danger.” He reached for his phone and pressed away on some buttons.
“And how am I supposed to do that in the city? If I let her roam around, she’ll really put people in danger then. If she wants to run, she can run in the cage. It’s pretty big,” I said and I knew how stupid that sounded before I said it.
“The next full moon, you’re shifting with me. And we’re getting rid of that cage. Is that where you were going to when I ran into you?” he asked and I’d completely forgotten our first encounter during the last full moon.
“Is that how you found me? How come you weren’t changing and in pain?” I asked as I replayed that night. I barely made it home on time and he was casually walking the streets like it was nothing.
“Because I don’t cage my wolf. The Pack isn’t Moon Bound like you are. We shift on full moons in celebration, not because of obligation. That’s the difference,” he said with a hint of frustration. He was ticked I caged my wolf. Which made me wonder, did he like me or the wolf?
“Moon Bound?”
He sighed and after typing something on his phone, he put it away. “It’s when you don’t shift at all. When a full moon comes around, it calls to your wolf and forces a change on you. That’s probably why you feel so much pain when you shift,” he said. I processed what he was saying and it made sense, I guess, but how the heck was I supposed to let the wolf out in the city?
“So…during full moons, you guys don’t go through the Change?” I wasn’t sure if he was okay with answering my questions but this was fascinating. And this was stuff I didn’t know that I should.
“We do. But it’s not because we have to, it’s like one big party for those three days,” he said and I could hear the pride in his voice. He liked being a werewolf. I envied that.
“Where? I can’t imagine at the warehouse.”
He shook his head and smiled. “We have an estate out in Little Falls, New York, with over a hundred acres of land. We all congregate there and have barbeques and bonfires, it’s a lot of fun. You’ll like it.”
“Jonah,” I started, “I’m not going. I don’t want to be part of the Pack.” He didn’t look at me but his body had frozen and my statement hung in the air like a heavy weight. It might not seem like it at the moment, but I could survive on my own. I didn’t want to be a part of their community where being a werewolf became my life. When I thought of my future, I didn’t imagine cleaning up after a husband and popping out little werewolf babies left and right. I wasn’t made to be a housewife, it’s not in my nature and probably never will be.
“Mackenzie…you can’t live on Pack land without belonging to the Pack,” he said and his brown eyes flickered gold. “They’ll kill you before they let a lone wolf roam free.”
“Who?”
“The Elders. I told you about the American and European summits, well they’re Elders who are sort of like a council and they govern the wolves—worldwide. Sebastian will be obligated to tell them about you. It’s why an American summit was called upon…because of you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I wouldn’t want to leave New York but if I had to—to stay alive—I would. But did I really want a bunch of wolves dictating my life? It didn’t seem fair. It’s not like I was born into this or had much of a choice in being who I am.
“Where can I go?” I said, dazed.
“Kenz,” he said and it was the first time he hadn’t said my full name. “There’s nowhere on God’s green Earth that isn’t claimed in some way. You have no choice…unless you want to live on the run for the rest of your life,” he said uneasily.
I soaked in what he said and didn’t respond. There’s not much I could say, anyway, either I belonged or I didn’t, and I tended to do what I wanted either way. But it’s not something he needed to worry about right now. It seemed to me that Jonah had formed an attachment to me (I swear, I’m not being conceited) and I didn’t want to stress him out. I didn’t know much about this Pack stuff but I needed to do my research before I made any decisions.
“I thought you were leaving?” I asked, changing the subject.
He cleared his throat and looked away. “I was about to when I saw you outside…what was that about? Did you know he was cheating on you?” I could have continued to lie to him, but then that would make me look stupid. How would a girl so headstrong like me accept someone who cheats? Yeah, it didn’t sound believable.
“We’re not together,” I said and he watched me intently. “We broke up a couple months ago because of it but he hasn’t told his family.”
His eyes shone gold and then went to a calming brown. I didn’t know what these eye color changes were about, but they were weird.
“So, you’re pretending, because?”
“Because he’s dating a porn star and he’s scared to tell Nana,” I said and his eyes widened. “Okay, she’s not really a porn star but she looks like one.”
He chuckled. “Got it,” he said. “You’re too nice to him. He doesn’t deserve your help.”
“I know. At least, I know that now.”
After the Change, I became difficult, not the go-lucky girl I was before. Not that I was always cheerful either, but I wasn’t as hot headed. But for him to have been screwing her for months, was hurtful. I didn’t think I was that bad…was I? And how had I not noticed?
I must have had my feelings on my face because Jonah tucked a stray
strand of hair behind my ear. “Hey, don’t blame yourself. It’s his loss and no matter what troubles you both went through, he had no right to cheat. That wasn’t the solution.” Subconsciously, I knew Jonah was right, but it didn’t erase the guilt. If I hadn’t become what I am, then maybe James and I would still be together and happy. Maybe.
“Are you still leaving?”
He caressed my face and I couldn’t help but close my eyes. “Do you want me to?”
I shook my head without opening my eyes. It was a truth I couldn’t admit aloud. Possibly because of what happened, but I didn’t want him to leave my side. I snuggled in close to him and inhaled. He smelled of the woods and soap; which was peculiar since we live in the city. It was a good smell, I could get used to it.
He moved to lay down next to me and pulled me into his chest. “Then I won’t go anywhere,” he whispered, running his hand up and down my back and we stayed like that for a while.
Chapter Eleven
Jonah and I spent the rest of the day holed up in the basement. I avoided everyone who might ask me what was wrong. Luckily, we had an old box TV with a VCR and a bunch of 90s movies to watch, which we did as we cuddled on the old, rusty futon. He didn’t try anything and I was glad. We got close but he wasn’t pushing me and I appreciated it. I wasn’t ready. When I finally checked my phone, I saw a ton of texts from my family wondering where I was. Since it had been Christmas Eve, I missed dinner with the Carson’s, which earned me a load of angry texts from James. I only texted Amy before going to sleep to let her know where I was and that everything was fine. She didn’t respond but I know she received it. Amy knew when to back off and now was that time.
I spent the night with a werewolf. Curled up with him behind me and his arm draped across my stomach. I couldn’t hold back a giggle.
It was Christmas morning and I could smell the sausage gravy that my mom was making in the kitchen. It smelled glorious and I was counting on eating at least a full pan of biscuits. Jonah stirred behind me and groaned when I tried to pull away.
SHIFT (Mackenzie Grey #1) Page 9
