“How’d you know?” I asked.
“Logic,” the historian said.
“Which is a fancy way of saying you guessed?” I asked.
The historian’s mouth twitched as she fought either a frown or a smile.
“Perhaps.” She sat down next to me and looked out over the horizon. “What was the vision?”
“I saw my friends' dead,” I admitted.
“I see.”
“That’s not very helpful,” I told her.
“You do not wish to be helped,” the historian replied. “It is why you are here, instead of with your friends. You would rather dwell on whether or not it’s true then seek solace in their words.”
“So? I dwell on things,” I said. “That makes me human.”
“Have you ever had a vision like that?” she asked.
“A mind-splitting headache followed by a vision of my friends dead? No. But I’ve had dreams…dreams that have felt very real.”
“I see,” she said.
“Quit saying that,” I said.
The historian’s lips twitched again. I couldn’t tell if she liked my directness or found it irritating. I didn’t really care.
“I don’t necessarily think that what you are seeing is a vision,” the historian said.
“What else could it be?” I asked.
“Farrah and her brothers collected abilities. It’s what made them different than so many others. They could see a person’s talent and immediately understand it, though they had an ability they completely mastered. A single ability they were most fond of. Farrah preferred to shift shapes. She said it brought her freedom, especially when she got to fly…”
The historian paused and was lost in the past for a moment. Her expression shifted and she returned to the present.
“It could be a new talent you are learning,” the historian said. “Your mind is opening up. It is also possible you are being manipulated because of that.”
“Manipulated how?” I asked.
“Daniel told you already that Marcus has an ability to affect dreams,” she replied. “Your connection to him is stronger than most. It is likely he is trying to change your actions with visions.”
“It wasn’t while I was dreaming, though,” I said.
“Like I said…a strong connection,” she said.
“That is so unfair…” I said.
“He does not want to play fair. He wants what he wants,” the historian said.
“I suppose,” I admitted.
She looked at me for a moment. Her gaze was penetrating. I did my best not to squirm, though I felt like a preschooler caught writing on the walls at school – which had only happened once.
“I take it from the way your friends have moved-in to the town that you have accepted my offer for training,” she said.
“I’m sure you knew I would,” I said. “You know everything about me now.”
She allowed herself a smile. It was slow and mischievous. It suggested she knew more than I wanted her to know.
“We start at dawn. Don’t be late.”
She stood and walked off. Then, she was gone, her feet taking her down the path without a sound. I didn’t try to follow her descent. The vision was still too raw to seek out company. I just wanted the peace of the landscape and the freedom to think my morbid thoughts alone. I watched the horizon for a while, before deciding the others were probably worried I had been abducted or was having a mental breakdown somewhere on the plains of Idaho. There was no escaping the fact that I owed them an explanation.
They were still working on the house when I got back. There were no worried conversations or people searching for me in the waves of grass. There were just the sounds of hammer on wood and laughter from where Jackson and Daniel were on the roof with Reaper. All three were covered in sweat as they worked to fix the hole. Daniel smiled at me and waved at me with the hammer he was holding. I waved back and walked to the house, to rejoin them in their cleaning efforts.
Alex met me at the front door. Her arms were crossed and her blue eyes were full of fire.
“I didn’t tell him,” she said, meaning Daniel.
“Thanks,” I said.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“It was nothing…really,” I said. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“You worry me more when you keep things from me. It means you’re worried about something,” she said.
“It’s just a vision…Marcus messing with me, apparently,” I said, deciding there was no way I was going to tell her the details of what I saw. It was too raw and way too real.
“Oh!” she said, looking surprised. “He sent you a vision while you were awake?”
“Yeah…we have a connection or something,” I said.
“Can you make it stop?” she asked.
“Hopefully…it’s why we’re staying here, right?” I asked.
“I suppose.” Alex looked over her shoulder. “This is going to be the most awkward sleepover in the history of ever. How long do you think you’ll be?”
“My birthday is in three weeks,” I pointed out. “I think that’s probably a deadline to live by.”
“You’re going to master the world in three weeks?” Alex asked. “That’s optimistic, really, but way doubtful.”
I looked her over and realized she had more going on than a training mission. She would have to endure Reaper and Eli in the same house for the length time it took me to get to my birthday. It would be three weeks of torture.
“I don’t mean to make things awkward for you,” I said.
“If I couldn’t handle awkward I wouldn’t have gotten through high school,” she said.
“As much as we got through,” I reminded her.
“Oh, yeah,” she said, having forgotten about the fact that we had dropped out before our senior year.
“The historian wants me to start training in the morning. I’m not sure what she’s going to have me doing, but I doubt the rest of you are invited. Are you going to be okay with nothing to do out here?”
“I think I can manage,” she said. “I have an emotional crisis to keep me busy, after all.”
“Sounds fun,” I said with a grin.
She laughed and pulled me inside to continue our clean-up efforts of our temporary home.
When our cleaning was finished, I spent the night talking with Daniel. I didn’t mention my vision or that the historian had said it was sent by Marcus. I couldn’t see how that would help anything. It would just cause more worry – worry we didn’t need.
By dawn, I was eager to see the historian again. My curiosity had increased, as our meeting grew closer. I wanted to unravel some of her mystery and understand her connection to my history. She was waiting for me inside her cave. Daniel had come with me, a gesture of support. It was one the historian didn’t care for. She was training me, not Daniel.
“You can wait outside,” she told Daniel.
Daniel looked down at our joined hands. His touch was meaningful. His thoughts were more so.
I’ll be nearby if you need me.
I know.
I smiled at him, and he released my hand. He nodded respectfully at the historian then left the cave.
“Sit down,” the historian said.
“Here?” I asked looking at the hard floor.
“Yes,” she replied.
I sat.
“Your skills have so far been tied to your emotional state,” the historian said. “You get angry, you burn someone. You get afraid, you move through the space in-between. You need to tap in to those abilities without the emotions clouding your judgment. So you will sit until you can think of nothing.”
“Just sit here?” I asked.
“Yes,” the historian agreed. “Do not move until I tell you it’s time.”
“I thought we were going to learn how to fight and be ninjas,” I said.
“All things in time. You will sit and you will master your emotions…or you will leave. We are do
ne talking.”
Her voice told me she would not put up with any more conversation. She circled around me and left the cave without another word. I watched her leave, feeling irritated. She wanted me to sit and stare at the wall, when Marcus was in the middle of building up an army or whatever else? It was a waste of time. She was just messing with me. She had seen how uncomfortable I was with closed-in spaces and was testing my resolve. There was a reason beyond just ‘sitting.’ There had to be. I wasn’t going to let her play me; I wouldn’t allow it.
I stood, my irritation getting the better of me. The second I stood, I felt a sharp pain in my knees. My legs flew out from under me, and I hit the ground face first. My head cracked against the stone. Everything swam for a second, before coming clear again. When my vision cleared, the historian was standing over me. I stared up at her in a daze.
“I said to sit,” she said.
“You were gone…” I said.
“Never assume that,” she said. “This time, do as I ask,” she commanded.
She turned away as I sat up with a groan. I glared at her back, but I did not try to stand again. I didn’t see where that particular stubbornness would get me, beyond a cracked head and a bruised dignity. So, I sat.
And I sat…and I sat.
It was the world’s first study in sitting.
The walls closed in on me; I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There was no air. There was only the sense of being closed-in, without an escape. I couldn’t help the feeling that the historian was just messing with me. It was a test; one I was failing. The historian didn’t come back, and I didn’t try to stand again. I sat in the un-barred prison she had created for me.
I later learned that I sat for four days. It was the most brutal four days of my life.
It was dawn of the fifth day when I felt my body unwind. It was just a room, just a place. My mind was creating demons out of nothing. My attention had focused on the white rose sitting on the pedestal; it helped me focus on the truth I had learned while sitting. My emotions were keeping me from my task at hand. My emotions were not helping anything.
My breathing slowed down. There was nothing beyond nothing. I focused on thinking of nothing, on doing as the historian had told me. It was the single most difficult thing I had done in my life, including surviving torture and living to face down one of the most bad-assed Watchers of all time: Lorian. But, then, there was peace…there was nothing beyond the moment I was in and the feeling of being free. I grasped the feeling with every fiber of my being, not realizing how much I had longed for that feeling of freedom. ‘Nothing’ had its benefits. My mind was calm, controlled. There was no panic Marcus would get me; there was no fear I would not be good enough to stop him. It was just me, a room and a flower.
“You can leave now,” I heard the historian say.
I opened my eyes and saw that she was back in her chair. She had a book in her hand and looked as if she had been sitting there as long as I had. I stood up, the feeling of peace still swarming my body. Her dismissive tone did not bother me. It was nothing in a sea of nothing.
“Come back tonight,” she commanded.
I nodded and left the cave feeling strange and out of focus. There was no direction, no sense of past or present. I was lost in the nothing without a way back to something. Direction came a second later. Daniel appeared at the top of the steps. He looked relieved to see me.
“There you are,” he said.
“I haven’t moved,” I told him.
“Yeah, that’s what I hear,” he said. “What were you doing?”
“Clearing my mind of emotion,” I said.
“Well, it took you long enough,” he said. “It must have been that stubbornness of yours complicating things.”
“You know me…” I said.
“Some days,” he agreed.
He came over and pulled me in to his arms. Still close, he leaned down and kissed me. It was sweet and full of longing. He had missed me. I smiled as he leaned away again. He returned my smile with his boyish, charming look.
“Reaper and Eli got in to a fight while you were pretending to be Buddha,” Daniel said.
“Define ‘fight,’” I said.
“I had the peel Reaper off of Eli to keep him from pushing his nose in to the back of his skull,” Daniel said.
That was a shock. My emotions stirred in my chest.
“Wow. Why?”
“Why do you think ‘why’?” Daniel said.
“Was that a legitimate question?” I asked.
Daniel smiled and led me to the steps. Our pace was slow as we walked; we were two lovers out for an early morning stroll. We weren’t two Watchers who had just spent four days apart – one of us learning how to sit.
“Tension has been boiling over,” Daniel said. “They’ve been stuck together in a small house, and they were circling around the issue for a couple of days. Alex has been avoiding them both. Something small set them off…a comment by Eli. Reaper has more of a temper than I thought.”
“Love does that,” I said.
“Love?” Daniel sounded surprised.
“Reaper and Alex. They don’t know it yet, but…yeah, love.”
“Huh…” Daniel said, sounding surprised.
“Where are they now?” I asked.
“Serenity and Eli decided to hole up in an old general store. They thought it would be better for everyone.”
“Yeah, I don’t doubt that,” I said. “Alex?”
“She’s been spending all her time with Spider and Margaret. She’s not really been talking much.”
“She’s been hanging out with Margaret?” I asked.
“If you’re going to go mute, Margaret is the person to do it with,” Daniel said.
“That’s very true,” I said. “Has there been any…”
After delving so deeply in to the peace of not thinking, I didn’t want to ask about Marcus.
“River has been calling Reaper every day. It’s been quiet. They have people keeping an ear out for information. Most of the Saints aren’t even on the boat anymore…River has been keeping them busy trying to find out what they can. Marcus is proving his skill at disappearing, though. No one can tell what he’s planning.”
“Not until he’s already killed us all and taken over the world,” I said.
“Cheery thought,” Daniel said.
“Kind of true, though,” I said.
“Reaper figured out what was on the thumb-drive. It was the virus…Reaper thinks Marcus intends on releasing it soon. Sevier’s name came up on it. We don’t know how he’s connected but we’re going to find out when we’re done here…”
“Talk about cheery thoughts…” I said.
Alex was sitting on the porch of the house. The sight of her took away my thoughts of Marcus. She was eyeing the predawn landscape with dark eyes. She looked exhausted, as if she hadn’t slept in days. She had been lost in thought when we reached her. She fixed her expression and smiled when she saw us.
“How was training?” she asked.
“I sat,” I said.
“I could have done that,” Alex said.
“Yeah, you could have. Reaper and Eli?” I asked.
“A mess,” she replied. “But not worth talking about.”
“Not worth talking about?” I repeated skeptically.
“How about, I don’t want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Well, at least that’s honest,” I said.
“Yes,” she admitted.
She wrinkled her nose at me, some of her good cheer coming back at the sight of us. It was cheer of having a friend around, instead of the drama of two people fighting over her.
“Clare, I love you muchly, but you stink badly,” she added.
“Was that a poem?" I asked.
“Yeah…ode to odor,” she said.
I smelled myself. “I think you’re right.”
Alex looked at Daniel. “How could you not notice that?” she asked.
“It’s called ‘manners,’” Daniel teased her gently. “And I have them.”
“Get off that high-horse,” Alex said. “We all know you have a mean streak.”
Daniel shrugged.
“What have you been doing about showers?” I asked.
“There’s a stream,” Alex said.
“It is fall in Idaho,” I pointed out.
“It makes you hurry,” Alex agreed. “But it gets the job done.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go bathe.”
“Sara came by you were sitting in a cave,” Alex said. “She brought our things. Your bag and guitar are in the house.”
She thumbed back to the house they had restored while I had been lost in thinking of nothing. I was grateful to have things that reminded of something beyond nothing – to have proof of my past. It made me feel grounded to know those things were there.
“Okay,” I said. “We’ll talk when I’m clean,” I promised.
I went inside and got a change of clothes from my bag Alex had set on one of the beds. My guitar was next to it, looking perfect and serene. My fingers twitched with the urge to play, but I resisted and focused on my clothes. Then, the dawn rising slowly, I went to the river Alex had mentioned.
The river was clear and more than a little cold. Shards of ice drifted past me as I stared at the water. My skin erupted in to goose bumps just looking at the water. There was no way I wanted to endure that sort of cold just to get clean. For the first time in my life, I understood why people didn’t bathe regularly pre-plumbing. It would have been an act of bravery simply to bathe.
“You could always go somewhere with a real shower,” a voice suggested.
I turned around and saw that Daniel had followed me to the water. His hands were stuck in his pockets as he too looked at the water. He looked casual, more casual than I had seen him in a long time.
“Were you planning on spying on me while I bathed?” I asked him.
“I never spy,” Daniel said.
“You have before,” I pointed out.
“That was for your safety…” he said. “And I never watched you while you were naked.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “It’s still spying.”
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