"I don't need nobody's help. We're gonna take care of ourselves the way we always did."
She sighed.
"Shit!" He went into his room, came out with a pack of Marlboros and made a big deal out of lighting one and jamming it into his mouth. He disappeared, momentarily, behind a blue cloud, then the eyes flashed once again, moving from me to his mother, to Raquel, and back to me. He pulled his key ring from his belt and held the keys sandwiched between his fingers, impromptu brass knuckles.
"I'm leaving now, dude. But when I get back you fucking well better be gone."
He kicked the door open and jogged out. We heard the thunder of the motorcycle starting and the diminishing scream of the machine as it sped away.
Mrs. Gutierrez hung her head and said something to Raquel.
"She asks your forgiveness for Andy's rudeness. He's been very upset since Elena's death. He's working two jobs and under a lot of pressure."
I held a hand up to stop the apology.
"There's no need to explain. I only hope I haven't caused the senora needless troubles."
Translation was superfluous. The look on the mother's face was eloquent.
I rummaged through the last two boxes with little enthusiasm and came up with no new insights. The sour taste of the confrontation with Andy lingered. I experienced the kind of shame you feel upon digging too deep, seeing and hearing more than you need or want to. Like a child walking in on his parents lovemaking or a hiker kicking aside a rock only to catch a glimpse of something slimy on the underside.
I'd seen families like the Gutierrezes' before; I'd known scores of Rafaels and Andys. It was a pattern: the slob and the super kid playing out their roles with depressing predictability. One unable to cope, the other trying to take charge of everything. The slob, getting others to take care of him, shirking his responsibilities, coasting through life but feeling like--a slob. The super kid competent, compulsive, working two jobs, even three when the situation called for it, making up for the slob's lack of accomplishment, earning the admiration of the family, refusing to stoop under the weight of his burden, keeping his rage under wraps-but not always.
I wondered what role Elena had played when she was alive. Had she been the peacemaker, the go between? Getting caught in the crossfire between slob and super kid could be hazardous to one's health.
I repacked her things as neatly as I could.
When we stepped onto the porch Rafael was still stuporous. The sound of the Seville starting up jolted him awake, and he blinked rapidly, as if coming out of a bad dream, stood with effort, and wiped his nose with his sleeve. He looked in our direction, puzzled. Raquel turned away from him, a tourist avoiding a leprous beggar. As I pulled away I saw a spark of recognition brighten his doped-up countenance, then more bewilderment.
The approaching darkness had dimmed the activity level on Sunset but there was still plenty of life on the streets. Car horns honked, raucous laughter rose above the exhaust fumes and mariachi music blared from the open doors of the bars. Traces of neon appeared and lights flickered in the foothills.
"I really blew it," I said.
"No, you can't blame yourself." In the mood she was in, boosting me took effort. I appreciated that effort and told her so.
"I mean it, Alex. You were very sensitive with Cruz--I can see why you were a successful psychologist. She liked you."
"It obviously doesn't run in the family."
She was silent for a few blocks.
"Andy's a nice boy--he never joined the gangs, took lots of punishment because of it. He expects a lot out of himself. Everything's on his shoulders, now."
"With all that weight why add a two-ton chip?"
"You're right. He makes more problems for himself--don't we all? He's only eighteen. Maybe he'll grow up."
"I keep wondering if there was some way I could have handled it better." I recounted the details of my exchange with the boy.
"The pigheaded crack didn't help things, but it didn't make a difference. He came in ready to fight. When Latin men get that way there's little you can do. Add alcohol to that and you can see why we pack the emergency rooms with knifing victims every Saturday night."
I thought of Elena Gutierrez and Morton Handler. They'd never made it to the emergency room. I allowed myself a short ride on that train of thought, then skidded to a stop and dumped the thoughts in a dark depot somewhere in the south of my subconscious.
I looked over at Raquel. She sat stiffly in the soft leather, refusing to give herself over to comfort. Her body was still but her hands played nervously with the fabric of her skirt.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. When in doubt, stick to basics.
"No. If you want you can stop for yourself."
"I can still taste the chorizo."
"You can take me home, then."
When I got to her apartment it was dark and the streets were empty.
"Thanks for coming with me."
"I hope it was helpful."
"Without you it would have been disastrous."
"Thank you." She smiled and leaned over. It started out as a kiss on the cheek but one or both of us moved and it turned into a kiss on the lips. Then a tentative nibble, nurtured with heat and want, that matured quickly into a gasping, ravenous adult bite. We moved closer simultaneously, her arms easing around my neck, my hands in her hair, on her face, at the small of her back. Our mouths opened and our tongues danced a slow waltz. We breathed heavily, squirming, struggling to get closer.
We necked like two teenagers for endless minutes. I undid a button of her blouse. She made a throaty sound, caught my lower lip between her teeth, licked my ear. My hand slithered around to the hot silk of her back, working with a mind of its own, undoing the clasp of her brassiere, cupping around her breast. The nipple, pebble-hard and moist, nestled against my palm. She lowered one hand, slender fingers tugging at my fly.
I was the one who stopped it.
"What's the matter?"
There's nothing you can say in a situation like that that doesn't sound like a cliche or totally idiotic, or both. I opted for both.
"I'm sorry. Don't take it personally."
She threw herself upright, busied herself with buttoning, fastening, smoothing her hair.
"How else should I take it?"
"You're very desirable."
"Very."
"I'm attracted to you, dammit. I'd love to make love to you."
"What is it, then?"
"A commitment."
"You're not married, are you? You don't act married."
"There are other commitments besides marriage."
"I see." She gathered up her purse and put her hand on the door handle. "The person you're committed to, it would matter to her?"
"Yes. More important, it would matter to me."
She burst out laughing, verging on hysteria.
"I'm sorry," she said, catching her breath. "It's so damned ironic. You think I do this often? This is the first time I've been interested in a guy in a long time. The nun cuts loose and comes face to face with a saint."
She giggled. It sounded feverish, fragile, made me uneasy. I was weary of being on the receiving end of someone's--anyone's--frustration but I supposed she was entitled to her moment of cathartic stardom.
"I'm no saint, believe me."
She touched my cheek with her fingers. It was like being raked with hot coals.
"No, you're just a nice guy, Delaware."
"I don't feel like that, either."
"I'm going to kiss you again," she said, "but it's going to stay chaste this time. The way it should have been in the first place."
And she did.
18
There were two surprises waiting for me when I got home.
The first was Robin, in my ratty yellow bathrobe, stretched out on the leather sofa, drinking hot tea. A fire burned in the hearth and the stereo played the Eagles' "Desperado."
She was wearing a magazine photograph of Lassie a
round her neck like a miniature sandwich sign.
"Hello, darling," she said.
I threw my jacket over a chair.
"Hi. What's with the dog?"
"Just my way of letting you know that I've been a bitch and I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for." I removed the sign.
I sat beside her and took her hands in mine.
"I was rotten to you this morning, Alex, letting you leave like that. The moment the door closed I started missing you. You know how it is when you let your mind wander around--what if something happens to him, what if I never see him again--you go crazy. I couldn't work, couldn't be around machines in that state. The day was blown. I called you but I couldn't get through. So here I am."
"Virtue has its rewards," I muttered under my breath.
"What's that, sweetie?"
"Nothing." Any recounting of my minor-league indiscretion would suffer in the retelling, emerging as either a boorish bathroom scribble--"Yeah, I copped a fast feel from another broad, honey'--or, worse, a confession.
I lay down beside her. We held each other, said nice things, talked baby talk, stroked each other. I was pumped up from the waist down, some of it a residue of the curbside session with Raquel, most of it belonging to the moment.
"There are two giant porterhouses in the refrigerator and a Caesar salad and burgundy and sourdough." She whispered, tickling my nose with her pinkie.
"You're a very oral person," I laughed.
"Is that neurotic, Doctor?"
"No. It's wonderful."
"How about this? And this?"
The robe fell open. She kneeled above me, letting it slide down her shoulders. Backlit by the glow of the fire, she looked like a piece of glorious, golden statuary.
"Come on sweetie," she coaxed, "get out of those clothes." And she took the matter into her own hands.
"I do love you," she said later. "Even if you are catatonic."
I refused to budge, and lay spreadeagled on the floor.
"I'm cold."
She covered me, stood and stretched, and laughed with pleasure.
"How can you jump around afterwards?" I groaned.
"Women are stronger than men," she said gaily, and proceeded to dance around the room, humming, stretching more so that the muscles of her calves ascended in the slender columns of her legs like bubbles rising in a carpenter's level. Her eyes reflected orange Halloween light. When she moved a shudder went through me.
"Keep jiggling like that and I'll show you who's stronger."
"Later, big boy." She teased me with her foot and leaped away from my grabbing paws with fluid agility.
By the time the steaks were ready Mrs. Gutierrez's cuisine was a vague memory and I ate with gusto. We sat side by side in the breakfast nook, looking out through leaded glass as lights went on in the hills like the beacons of a distant search party. She rested her head on my shoulder. My arm went around her, my fingertips blindly traced the contours of her face. We took turns drinking from a single glass of wine.
"I love you," I said.
"I love you too." She kissed the underside of my chin. After several more sips:
"You were investigating those murders today, weren't you?"
"Yes."
She fortified herself with a large swallow and refilled the glass.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'm not going to hassle you about it. I can't pretend I like it, but I won't try to control you."
I hugged her by way of thanks.
"I mean, I wouldn't want you treating me that way, so I won't do it to you." She was giving liberation the old school try, but worry remained suspended in her voice like a fly in amber.
"I'm watching out for myself."
"I know you are," she said, too quickly. "You're a bright man. You can take care of yourself."
She handed me the wine.
"If you want to talk about it, Alex, I'll listen."
I hesitated.
"Tell me. I want to know what's going on."
I gave her a rehash of the last two days, ending it with the confrontation with Andy Gutierrez, leaving out the ten turbulent minutes with Raquel.
She listened, troubled and attentive, digested it, and told me, "I can see why you can't drop it. So many suspicious things, no connecting thread."
She was right. It was reverse Gestalt, the whole so much less than the sum of its parts. A random assortment of musicians, sawing, blowing, thumping, yearning for a conductor. But who the hell was I to play Ormandy?
"When are you going to tell Milo?"
"I'm not. I spoke to him this morning and he basically told me to mind my own business, stay out of it." "But it's his job, Alex. He'll know what to do."
"Honey, Milo will get bent out of shape if I tell him I visited La Casa."
"But that poor child, the retarded one, isn't there something he could do about it?"
I shook my head.
"It's not enough. There'd be an explanation for it. Mile's got his suspicions--I'll bet they're stronger than he let on to me--but he's hemmed in by rules and procedures."
"And you're not," she said softly.
"Don't worry."
"Don't worry, yourself. I'm not going to try to stop you. I meant what I said."
I drank more wine. My throat had constricted and the cool liquid was astringently soothing.
She got up and stood behind me, putting her arms over my shoulders. It was a gesture of support not dissimilar from the one I'd offered Raquel just a few hours earlier. She reached down and played with the ridge of hair that vertically bisected my abdomen.
"I'm here for you, Alex, if you need me."
"I always need you. But not to get involved in crap like this."
"Whatever you need me for, I'm here."
I rose out of the chair and drew her to me, kissing her neck, her ears, her eyes. She threw back her head and put my lips on the warm pulse at the base of her throat.
"Let's get into bed and snuggle," she said.
I turned on the radio and tuned it to KKGO. Sonny Rollins was extracting a liquid sonata from his horn. I switched on a dim light and drew back the covers.
The second surprise of the evening lay there, a plain white envelope, business-size, unmarked and partially covered by the pillow.
"Was this here when you arrived?"
She'd taken off her robe. Now she held it to her breasts, seeking cover, as if the envelope were a living, breathing intruder.
"Could have been. I didn't go in the bedroom."
I slit it open with my thumbnail and took out the single sheet of white paper folded inside. The page was devoid of date, address or any distinguishing logo. Just a white rectangle filled with lines of handwriting that slanted pessimistically downward. The penmanship, cramped and spidery, was familiar. I sat down on the edge of the bed and read.
Dear Doctor:
Here's hoping you sleep in your own bed in the near future so you have the opportunity to read this. I took the liberty of jimmying your rear door to get in and deliver this--you should get a better lock, by the way.
This afternoon I was relieved of my duties in the H-G case. El Capitan feels the case would benefit by the infusion of fresh blood--the tasteless choice of words was his, not mine. I have my doubts about his motivation, but I haven't exactly set any new detection records so I was in no position to debate it with him.
I must have looked pretty shattered by it, cause he got suddenly empathetic and suggested I take some R and R. In fact, he was very well-versed in the details of my personnel file, knew that I'd accrued lots of vacation time and strongly urged me to use some of it.
At first I wasn't overjoyed at the idea, but I've since come to view it as an excellent one. I've found my place in the sun. A quaint little watering hole named Ahuacatlan, just north of Guadalajara. Some preliminary checking via long distance reveals that said burg is extremely well-suited for someone of my recreational interests. Hunting and fishing, in particular.
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I expect to be gone for two or three days.
Phone contact is tenuous and undesirable-the natives cherish privacy. Will call when I get back. Regards to Stradivarius (Stadivariette?) and stay out of trouble.
All the best, Milo
Jonathan Kellerman - Alex 01 - When The Bough Breaks Page 22
