“You could say ‘I thought that so and so was thus and such,’ and sure as hell, a year later, after the facts and opinions have all changed, the woman will zap you with a ‘But I thought you said!’ kind of shot into your composure. They’ll hit you with a zinger when you are off guard and helpless. They’re very crafty that way. Think of them as airplanes circling overhead always ready to drop a bomb on you. They like to remember stuff you say or do so they can use it against you later. Have you ever watched old German war films where Hitler bombs the crap out of everyone? You should. That’s the closest men will ever come to understanding how women go about deploying what knowledge they have attained about them to bring them to their knees. Never say anything to a woman except to tell them they look nice.
“They like hearing that. You can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to some things, like if they ask you if you had lunch or not, but be careful. Even the simplest thing can get you nailed. Like if you tell a woman you had lunch, she’ll start in on you. ‘Who with? What did you talk about? Was his wife there? Why not? Why wasn’t I there? How are their kids doing? What do you mean you didn’t ask? What do you mean you don’t give a shit about their kids? What kind of monster are you? You just go out and get your own dinner!’
“‘Okay,’ you say. ‘Okay!’
“‘What do you mean you’re going out by yourself? Don’t you want to take me with you? Fuck you!’
“Can you get it? Can you see how the least little thing you say can be used to torture you for an entire month? Then they won’t let up on you until you buy them something so they’ll look better than some other woman. Now you can see why some guys join the Marine Corps. It’s so they won’t go nuts listening to a woman. Some guys would rather take their chances getting killed.
“It’s best to lob women a marshmallow to chew on when they ask a question. If she asks, ‘Did she have a hat on?’ or ‘Did they drive their new car?’ you say, ‘I didn’t notice.’ That way you don’t have to hear her say, ‘Well, did you know she wore that same hat last week to play bridge? Didn’t she look silly in it?’ Or ‘When will we get a new car? What do you mean our car works fine? What do you mean you don’t give a shit if it’s an older model? I guess you’re married to me because I’m old too, huh? You’re a monster! Why can’t you turn that fucking football game off?’
“You see what I mean? Just tell them you don’t know or you can’t remember anything and you’ll have a more peaceful life. Just try to think of yourself as part of the sofa and move as little as possible. Keep your head down. It’s important.
“Never, ever have a drink with a woman. That’s really asking for trouble. If she’s your wife, she’ll get a little buzzed and she’ll start grinding on you about all the things that are wrong with you and your home and your life, her parents and her siblings, her pets and her preacher, then she’ll move on to her gynecologist, and all her other doctors. She’ll complain that her flowers didn’t bloom right and that the butcher didn’t cut the meat right and that so and so was a terrible bridge partner, and that the dress she just pissed away your monthly income on doesn’t fit her right.
“She’ll tell you it’s all your fault that the kids got bad grades, and that one of them has a mental problem because you told him a bedtime story where Bambi got shot or about how the baby and the cradle fell out of the treetop, or how the wolf went after the three little pigs. She’ll even complain that the grocery store had the wrong kind of toilet paper and it’s your fault that the house ran out of it because you spend too much time in the bathroom so she got the cheaper kind and now it scratches her ass. Trust me. When you take your woman out for a drink you will get an earful.
“Now it’s much worse than that for you if you have a drink with a woman who is not your woman. Then all hell breaks loose. One of her girlfriends is going to see you sitting at a bar having a drink with another woman who is not your woman. If she is crying while you’re sitting there with her, then you were either being a monster to the poor woman or you were sympathizing with her and helping her get over a rough patch. Either way, you are in huge trouble.
“If your woman’s girlfriend spy reads the scene and determines you were being a monster, then you are reviled for hurting one of the girls. You’ll end up sleeping out in your car on the street and you won’t even be allowed to bring the car into the garage. Your dinner will be thrown out on the lawn for you, without a plate. Doors will be slammed in your face and your kids will be told to never speak to you again. You can’t go and apologize to the other woman and make it all right, because she was crying about something entirely different, like just two minutes before found out her cat got run over by a car or something, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters. You are in the doghouse, buddy, and you’re going to stay there until your woman drags you back out to bitch to you about how one of her girlfriends said something about her to one of her other girlfriends.
“If you’re having a drink with a woman who’s not your woman and the snoop sees her smiling or laughing, then you are totally fucked. You were running around on your woman. You were luring that woman into bed with you. You’ve been meeting her secretly for years. You’re a low-down dog and a terrible monster. It’s back to sleeping in your car and eating your hamburger or hot dogs off the grass again. Never mind that the woman just got a phone call a few minutes before from her kid, who told her how he put a frog in his teacher’s desk drawer and the frog jumped out and the teacher ran out of the classroom screaming to get away from the frog and you were only meeting the woman to plan a surprise birthday party for your wife.
“The truth doesn’t matter to women. Their emotions are all that ever matter. They just want to have some reason to constantly be hysterical. Your woman will never believe you’re telling her the truth, and even a week later, when your woman confirms with some other members of the female organization that you really were telling the truth, it still won’t matter. All that matters is that you were seen with another woman in a bar. That’s what your woman will remember for the rest of her life and she’ll never forgive you. The only thing worse than having a drink with a woman who is not your woman is going to a bar and having a drink by yourself. When the spy sees this, you’ve had it, buddy. You were planning something and not letting your wife in on it, or you were waiting for some mystery woman, or you just got caught embezzling and you wanted that one last drink before the auditors checked the inventory accounts and you committed suicide.
“Whatever your reason for being there it’s wrong. Now you’re out sleeping in your car and eating chicken noodle soup off the grass. You wish you could trade places with the family dog, but that’s out of the question. The dog did nothing wrong. The dog is now sleeping on your side of the bed and he’s even been elevated to higher status at mealtimes. He’s allowed to eat off the table. You get to eat off the grass with the worms. Maybe you try to explain that you were just waiting for an old buddy from college who came to town and you hadn’t seen him for ten years. It won’t matter. Your woman will never believe you.
“So what can you do when you want to have a drink? You do what I do. You drink discreetly where the women can’t see you. You go to a liquor store and buy a bottle and you drink it while you’re driving around in your car. That way all you need to worry about is the cops. If they nail you for drinking while driving, and odds are low on getting nailed for that, then at least the cops will tell you what the deal is, what the punishment is, and when it’s over. Sure, you might have to watch some horrible movies of traffic accidents with people who got their guts splattered all over the place and you might have to fork over a few hundred bucks, but that beats listening to a woman grinding on you and driving you nuts for months or years until she can’t even remember why she’s pissed off at you.
“Those are some of the basics to keep in mind about women. They apply to all women. Remember always that women are trivial, vain, selfish, gossipy, thought-challenged, and steeped in jealousy of other women. Parties,
who talks about whom and who entertained whom and who wasn’t invited, are all matters that concern them greatly, almost as much as which male is presently dipping his wick into which woman’s pussy, especially their own. Now that we’ve covered that, let’s get into the more complicated female subtleties you’re going to run into.
“Let’s say you’re at a dinner party and you are seated across from some guy’s wife. She goes to eat the olive from out of her martini glass, but it falls off the toothpick and hits her on the chest as it rolls down into her brazier. You’re the only one who sees this and she knows you are the only one who sees this. Now, what you need to do next will depend upon the behavior of the woman. If she gives you a big grinning smile, that’s your signal to go into rescue mode. She wants you to stand up, throw your body across the table, hold her shoulder to keep her steady and with your other hand reach down her bra and get that pesky olive out of there. That way she saves herself the trouble of having to get up and go to the ladies’ room because she might have been paying close attention to a conversation at the table. That woman will be very grateful and she will thank you for the help, later.
“In the same identical situation, if the woman looks away from you. Kind of off to the side, that means she needs help but is too embarrassed to be up front about it. She expects you to get up, walk around the table behind her, quickly reach down her bra, grab the olive and eat it yourself so no one will see she’s so shaky from the booze she can’t get the olive from her glass to her mouth. She’ll also be very appreciative for your assistance and she too will thank you later.
“Again, this time you’re across from a young winsome, full breasted, gorgeous woman who has a boyfriend next to her that has no brains and he’s ignoring her. When that gal looks you in the eye as she drops the olive into her bra, you’re actually getting an invitation to fuck her right then and there. She’s hot to get your dick into her and she doesn’t want to wait until later. That gal wants you to come up with some excuse, no matter how feeble, to get her the hell out of there and take her to some room in the hotel or even the ladies’ room and fuck her brains out. That’s definitely the signal you’re getting from her and you need to move fast.
“Make an announcement that you have something very special to bring to the table and you need her specific help to go with you to go get it. Now, there’s absolutely nothing to bring to the table, so you take her to a liquor store, grab a bottle, go to a room, drink half the bottle with her and fuck her, then you take the unused half bottle with the two of you back to the table. You explain that there was a whole case of this stuff, but somehow somebody stole it. The two of you were everywhere looking for it, kind of like a snipe hunt, but all you could find was this half-bottle.
“Now, when you put some deep thought into each of these women’s behaviors, like I have, you can only come to one conclusion. When a woman indicates distress to you at a cocktail party, she’s really trying to tell you she wants to get laid. They all want to get laid, kind of like chickens with a rooster, but they have their different ways of giving you the ‘I want to get laid’ signal. When you get that signal, you need to move on it fast, before some other guy gets it. This is your big advantage. Most men don’t understand women as well as I do. I’m glad you’re paying close attention and getting this. It’s important.
“One subtle signal they sometimes give off is when they want you to punch out their boyfriend or husband. Let me give you an example. You’re at a picnic. Her husband is at the grill making hotdogs. He hands her one with relish and mustard and onions on it. She shakes her head. He persists and shoves it at her and yells something at her, like that’s what she told him she wanted. Now this sort of thing happens a lot with women. They change their minds on a dime and it’s always some guy’s fault for not realizing they’ve changed their mind, even though the woman never said a word about it. So now this guy is pissed off because he has this hotdog and she doesn’t want it. She holds up her hands to him, waving him off like a carrier pilot gets waved off on approach from his landing signal officer.
“That’s your clue that the woman’s husband has crashed and burned. She’s now more pissed off than he is over that fucking hotdog and she wants somebody to rescue her. At this point, you need to run up to him and give him a man-to-man chest bump, or a double-hands-on-chest shove that knocks him back a few steps, preferably on his ass. Now you’re a hero to that woman because you got that nasty inconsiderate bully off her. This move really works best after you’ve had a few beers because if he comes back at you, you’re going to have to knock the crap out of him, and if he knocks the crap out of you it helps if you’re too stoned to feel anything.
“I know this seems like a big to-do over whether or not a hotdog has relish on it, but to a woman, this means everything. They want to see in their crazy warped tiny minds that no matter how old, how ugly, how stupid they are, there’s this knight in shining armor who will rush to their aid and save them from eating a fucking hotdog with relish on it if they don’t want it. Remember that.
“It was never about the hotdog. It was about the woman getting some man to understand her, which was impossible for that poor bastard because nobody can ever understand women in the first place. If you time your move right and nail him before any other guy does, all the women will think you are their champion. They’ll think you understand them, even though you don’t, and even though they don’t understand themselves. But they won’t give you any grief about anything for a few weeks because they’ll believe you tried to help them somehow by knocking some poor bastard on his ass.
“They’ll never remember why you did what you did, just that you did it. Your own woman will probably ask you why you did that. You just need to tell her, in a manly way, ‘It was the right thing to do.’ Sometimes this response to a woman’s signal can land you in jail overnight because the police want to make sure you’ve cooled off before they let you out. If that happens to you, just get a good night’s sleep and a big breakfast before you go home.”
“There’s one special breed of woman you need to be especially careful with. Never do business with one of these because they are nuts. They call themselves feminists because they see the world inside out and backwards. Instead of being soft, warm loving creatures that want to have babies and please a husband and have a good home, they want to live for the sole purpose of making men miserable. They want to fight and bitch about everything and basically eradicate men from the face of the earth. They must all be mentally ill because their top leader instructed them to do everything possible to repel men, to keep men out of their lives. This leader of theirs came up with this really sick idea that to keep men away from them they should make their pussies smell as terrible as possible; so she instructed them all to stick dead fish in their pussies and ride around in bicycles instead of cars, to kind of grind the smell of a stinky fish into their pussies on a permanent basis. You can’t do business with women like that. If you listen to them long enough they’ll let it slip out how much they hate men for whatever reason. Some will try to conceal themselves, so you have to kind of smell around their female area while being inconspicuous about it. If you get that fishy smell, you could have a feminist, so be extra careful.
“One day in your UGGA investment career you will certainly run across this situation. You will make a call to talk to one of your clients. The client could be a man’s wife or it could be the husband, no matter. The wife will answer the phone. You’ll ask how things are doing, you know, usual small talk. Then, all of a sudden, this woman will start crying. That’s what they do best, cry. She’ll confide in you that her husband has stage four cancers in some organ, like the prostate, stomach, colon, liver, or all of his organs. She’ll start crying. Now, here’s where you can really get some terrific business. See, most guys will tell her how sorry they are to hear this terrible news and they’ll tell her if she needs anything to just call and they’ll do whatever they can to help her. But, that’s the wrong thing to say. If
you’re smart, you’ll take my advice on this.
“See, the real reasons the woman is crying are that the guy will die and won’t be bringing home a paycheck anymore, and secondly, she won’t be getting schlonged by her old reliable meat organ anymore. See, in truth, women don’t love men in the first place. They’re just like ungulates. They just want the guy to hose them and then they don’t want him around the rest of the time. They’d rather be playing bridge with the girls or going to some stupid garden party or lunch with their girl-friends. Except for the necessary schlonging and money coming in, women don’t want men around. Here’s what your correct response needs to be to all her crying:
‘Wow! That’s terrific news, Molly. Soon that piece of dead wood will be dead for real! Right after we get him buried, I’d like to take you out for a martini at your favorite hotel and then fuck your brains out. You’re a real hot number and I can’t wait to get into your pants. I’ll take you on a celebration trip to Paris and we’ll just party until we drop. What do you say? Have we got a deal?’
“See, that kind of response puts you in a whole different category from all her other friends. Now she can look forward to continue getting schlonged and she can have some hope that you’ll replace the corpse’s lost income. So, you’ve solved her real-world problem instantly. Your move is to get with her as soon as possible after he dies. Don’t even wait until his body cools before you bang her. Tell her you just can’t wait for formalities. Then, get his insurance proceeds invested in UGGA. After that you need an excuse to stop seeing her because schlonging a client is against some ridiculous rules. Schlonging is okay as long as assets go up, but if they go down the woman can turn bitch on you and sue you for duress and mental stuff, which they can fake really well in front of an arbitration panel because they are all nuts anyway and arbitration panels are just as crazy. So, after you’ve banged her a few times and gotten her money, you’re better off to drop her because once she’s a client the rules kick in. This is valuable advice and a great insight into female psychology, so don’t forget it. Do you think you can be a good company man and answer the call of duty to help a woman in distress?”
When The Butterflies Come Page 12
