The Old Neighborhood
Page 5
BOB: Faith.
DEENY: Not much, really. Or believing some, some spiritual thing. It’s just something that someone says is true. And you say, “Yes. I’ll believe that that’s true.” (Pause) But having lost the feeling that things will right themselves. (Pause) What? It becomes harder. Because I never, more importantly, nor, will I. I never planted a garden, nor will I plant a garden, and when I question myself as to why, I have no answer.
“Would it give you pleasure?”
“Yes.”
“Would you enjoy it?”
“Yes.”
“Would it be difficult to do?”
“No.”
“Then why do you not do it?”
And there is no answer, but, do you know, do you know what I mean, but it is … waiting … that’s a funny word … it’s waiting, waiting, just beyond … you know, it’s in the back of my mind. “It’s because …” What? What is it because? It’s too much trouble? No. No, you see, I say to myself, that it’s the opposite of trouble. It’s joy. Well, then, I say. Well, then, draw yourself up and do it. And I say “perhaps I will.” Perhaps I will.
BOB: … that things will not come right …
DEENY: Well, they won’t, will they …? (Pause) In the world. The, the, the, world … and I was talking about “faith.” And you say “this is ending.” Well, then, there’s another thing. And that will take its place. And sometimes that’s okay. But then, sometimes, that’s just cold comfort. Isn’t it?
BOB: Yes.
DEENY: How d’you think I’m doing at my job?
BOB: I think you’re doing fine.
DEENY: Yes. I do, too. I enjoy it so much.
BOB: I can see that you do.
DEENY: And, do you know, as you grow older—all the things you said, “They must be true, because they’re ‘platitudes.’ ” Or, what is it, what is it they say? That’s not what they say. What do they say?
BOB: It’s a cliché because it’s true.
DEENY: “It got to be a cliché, because it was true.” But if you think about it, if that’s its reward, that’s a poor reward. Isn’t it? It was true … what it used to be was true, and did it so well that it got to be the other thing, which is that we ignore it, but what was I saying?
BOB: That it is true, although we have heard it so often that we tend to discount it. That to do something truly well you have to love it.
DEENY: … and they think so at work, too, because they’re going to offer me, oh, you don’t want to hear it, you may want to hear it, I don’t want to tell it; how could it, do you know, how could it interest you? Because it’s like you’re walking through a part of town, and you say, “You see that house? I used to live there.” “Really.” What can it mean to them? Nothing. It means something to you, you see, as it should. (Pause) But the other person, they feel lonely. Or I wanted to say, “It’s not much, but it’s mine.” (Pause)
BOB: I know.
DEENY: I know you know. (Pause) “It’s not much” … eh? “But it’s …” And what could it mean to you? You know? As the phrase is “anyway,” because it truly couldn’t. It’s nothing. It’s … a bit of buying. Ordering, mainly, accountancy … “Accountancy”? “Accounting” … Bookkeeping … I keep track of some things. There really is a bit of buying. Everyone thinks that they’ve got good taste. Everyone thinks “Everyone thinks that they’ve got good taste, but I have got good taste …” (Pause) But I have got good taste. And I like it, and they like me, and there you have it. What a success story. How’s your life?
BOB: As you see.
DEENY: I was thinking of tribes that mutilate themselves, and it occurred to me, that, perhaps, when they do it, they … (Pause) they get pleasure from it. Those tribes that … tattoo their faces, or they stretch their lips, you know, or necks, or the terrible things they do to their sexual, their sexual equipment; but I thought, if you know that this is terrible, as you do, and know you are frightened, which is to say, you are frightened, and you know that it is the community that forces you, then might you not feel, might you not feel, as they did it, you see … : “Yes. Yes. I surrender.” And you die. You undergo the pain of, the pain of, the pain of giving birth to yourself. And that sorrow of years …
BOB: … yes I understand.
DEENY: … that sorrow of years. Is condensed, do you see, into a ceremony. And then it is over. (Long pause) Looking at the “old thing.” Looking at regret. What is it we hope to gain by looking at it? Do we think it raises us …? No. Do you know, it’s not important.
BOB: What is important? (Pause)
DEENY: What is important? (Pause) You know, couldn’t you say of anything that it is folly? Except passion. While you’re feeling it, and afterward, especially of that. That it is folly. (Pause) That everything is folly.
BOB: Yes. You could say that.
DEENY: People with sorrow in their eyes …
BOB: … yes …
DEENY: … you know … people you wouldn’t be drawn to when you were young.
BOB: No.
DEENY: You wouldn’t see them.
BOB: No.
DEENY: But they would see you. Maybe they’d be attracted to you. (Pause) Some older person. Looking down.
BOB: Yes, looking down.
DEENY: But could not have them.
BOB: Who could not?
DEENY: The older person.
BOB: Have what?
DEENY: Have that younger love.
BOB: Have passion …
DEENY: No.
BOB: Because …?
DEENY: Well, you know why then, don’t you. Because it had passed. Well. And the things we did. And things we said. To other lovers. And the jokes, the private jokes, you know, and poignancies; and all the revenge we foreswore, and that we could not have. Always, and turning, don’t we? Toward death—Do you think? Do you think so? (Pause) And, you know, and the things we’d given up. When you elect it’s consolation to grow up. And it is consolation. But So What? And the things we kept till we grew sick of them. The treasured pivots of our world—until … (Pause)
BOB: “Until one day …”
DEENY: Oh yes. (Pause) I never knew what you wanted. (Pause) I thought I knew. (Pause) I thought that I knew. (Pause) Finally … (Pause) And I said. (Pause) They say there’s going to be a frost.
BOB: Well, then, I am sure that there is.
DEENY: I am sure that there is, too. (Pause) Despite the fact that they say it.
BOB: That’s my girl.
DEENY: And it will grow cold. You know, and you used to say, “How Jolly.” I’m sure you still say it; though to other people, of course, and I don’t blame you. For why should we change? Do you know? If there were something I could do for you, I’d do it. (Pause) Or for myself. Even to proclaim, you know, that this world is a shit hole. If I just could find it true. (Pause) Did you come to say good-bye? (Pause)
BOB: Yes.
DEENY: Good-bye, then.
BOB: Good-bye. (Pause)
DEENY: Good-bye, then, love. (Pause)
BOB: Good-bye, love.