by C. A. Harms
“Um . . .” I look up to find Heather at my side, holding a cup of coffee firmly in her hands. “Who’s that?” She stares ahead, squinting her eyes. Slowly and with caution, I turn, only to witness Dawson wrapping his arms around a woman and pulling her in close.
From this angle, it’s hard to tell. Plus the consistent traffic that passes only manages to further interfere with my view, but their closeness can’t be mistaken. The way he holds her to him, her arms securely wrapped around him, it’s all too much.
“Do you know her?” I can’t answer, not because I was unsure, but because the words just won’t form. As if seeing him hug some random woman on the street wasn’t hard enough, being able to clearly see her face is the final kick to my stomach. She looks different, but there’s no mistaking her identity.
“It’s Renee,” I say, her name feeling like a shot of acid rolls over my tongue that burns in my throat.
“As in . . .” Heather doesn’t finish the sentence, but she doesn’t have to. She sits down in the chair next to me. Together, we stare out the window as we watch Dawson say goodbye to the girl with whom he was once intimate. Or is still. I don’t want to believe he would do something like that. However, he’s lied to me so quickly and seamlessly that I’m unsure what else to think.
They stand only a foot or so apart, still talking. To see her smile up at him is hard. I witnessed their relationship once before. I watched the way she played him, and how easily he fell for her antics. I saw how he once loved her, and then I was the one that spent the few days that followed their breakup doing my best to cheer him up. It hurt before because Dawson is my closest friend. Watching someone you adore hurt the way he did was difficult. But now, since things have changed and we are no longer just friends, it’s so much more than sadness.
When Renee rises up on to her tiptoes and moves toward Dawson, I have to look away. Some things can never be unseen, and I don’t think I can stomach seeing them kiss. “I need to leave,” I say in a rush, standing up in a hurry.
“Reese, wait!” Heather calls out to me, but I don’t stop. I walk out of the door and turn right, moving in the opposite direction of Dawson. The further away I get, the better. “Will you wait up ?!?” she hollers out from behind.
I round the corner and lean up against the side of the building, letting my head fall back. Tears burn my eyes, only I refuse to let them fall. I won’t let him make me feel this way.
“Maybe it’s innocent.” I don’t open my eyes to meet Heather’s gaze. I know I would just see pity in them. I’ve done this. I’ve let things go too far, and I should’ve stopped them. Getting involved with a lifelong friend was and is a mistake. I let my hormones get the best of me when I should’ve just kept things platonic. “I’m sure it’s nothing."
“Then why lie?”
I push off the wall, feeling the anger hit me. I turn to face Heather, pointing my hand out in the direction of Dawson, or where he once was. “He couldn’t even look at me when told me he was going to pick up Kevin. He didn’t even flinch. It was so easy to lie. That’s not us. It’s never been us. Until now. I was the one he turned to, the one he relied on always, but now I’m just another girl he slept with—another nobody.”
“Reese,” she says. All Heather has to say is my name and I understand completely. I’m at a loss for words too. In fact, the drive back toward my apartment is filled with silence except for the radio playing very lightly.
My phone vibrates in my bag, and I reach inside, void of the excitement I generally feel when I know he’s calling or texting.
Dawson: I miss you too, beautiful. Be home soon.
My heart honestly hurts at this moment. No longer do I feel that fulfillment his words once offered me.
“Do you think I could stay with you tonight?” I feel sad by the idea of not being held by Dawson while I sleep, but what I just saw keeps flashing in my mind, and I know I can’t be near him right now.
“Don’t you think you should at least give him a chance to explain?” I don’t look away from my phone, the words blurring from the tears that have formed in my eyes. I hate this feeling, primarily since Dawson caused it to occur.
“I’m gonna give him a chance.” I inhale deeply while trying to hold off the tears. “But something tells me I’m gonna get the same line of shit I got earlier. You know the saying that after you lie, it just seems like the hole you’ve dug only gets deeper and deeper.”
My wounded heart may be leading my actions, but I feel betrayed. Dawson willingly walked out the door knowing he was going to meet her. If it was nothing, if it meant nothing, then there shouldn’t have been any reason he couldn’t have told me the truth.
I’d never once felt reluctant about going home until now. It’s strange how one thing, a sense of uncertainty, can change the feeling of a place you’ve always loved.
I stand in the entryway with Heather behind me as I look over our apartment. The pillows on the couch are strewn on the floor from our wrestling session just last night. Two cups still sit on the coffee table along with a bowl with only the popcorn seeds we’d left behind.
“Why don’t I head home? If you need me, you can call.” Heather places her hand on my shoulder. “I just think it’s premature for you to assume that it’s gonna go south before you even talk to him.”
I step inside further and turn around to face her, just as Dawson climbs the last of the stairs. He pauses and looks between the two of us. “Hey.” He appears surprised to find us standing there. “You two have plans or something?” He looks over me, taking in the fact that I’m still wearing the same clothes I slept in the night before.
Suddenly I feel self-conscious, but really shouldn’t as last night’s clothing I have on is nothing compared to the girl he’d just spent time within a hotel. I’m frumpy, and I can’t even remember if I took the time to brush my hair in my rush to leave.
“Where’ve you been?” I ignore his question and ask my own.
Maybe I should let Heather leave first before getting into this, but I’m anxious. With each second that passes, my heart takes over my mind even more.
“Sorry it took so long.” Dawson lifts his hand to his head, combing his fingers through his hair. It’s a nervous twitch he’s done for years. “Kevin met some girl last night, and he was at her place. When I got there, he was still looking for his keys.”
I look away from him. Seeing him lie to me—with little to no emotion—honestly breaks my heart. When I look up again, he’s closer, and Heather looks like a deer caught in the headlights. If it were any other situation, I might’ve laughed at her expression, but this is different.
“What’s going on?” Dawson asks with nervousness laced in his voice.
Anger fills me as I turn around and begin walking toward my bedroom. I hear him say something to Heather as I move away, but I take no time to stop.
I grab my large bag off the hook on the backside of my closet door and toss it onto my bed. Mindlessly I begin to gather clothing, shirts, shorts, underwear. Then I feel him before I even seen him.
“What are you doing?” Dawson asks as I continue to gather what little I can in a hurry. “Reese.” He steps closer and reaches out, covering my hand with his own. “Talk to me.”
“Do you mean like you talked to me?” I chance a glance in his direction and immediately regret it. God, he is so beautiful. I never thought I’d feel this type of resentment towards him. Even in the midst of it, I still find him so unbelievably attractive. “Are you asking me to lie?”
There is a long pause as he merely stares at me with nothing but an unsure look on his face.
“There should never be a time between us when I have to ask you twice to be honest with me. Or at least that’s what I thought.” I pull my hand away from his and zip my bag shut. “I never thought that you and I would be in this type of situation. That’s what hurts the most.”
I step around him, gathering my keys and wallet along with my school bag, and leave him behind in
my bedroom. I slide my feet into my sandals, and just as I reach for the door, I hear him hurrying toward me.
Dawson grabs for my arm and turns me to face him. “Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna go stay at Heather’s for a while.”
“What the fuck is going on, Reese?”
“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on, Dawson? The fact that you even have to ask me that question—when it’s what I should be asking you—makes this entire thing even sadder.” He stares at me. I stare right back. Though I feel myself slowly breaking inside, I refuse to give him a reaction. I know I’ll fall apart later when I am alone, but right now I can’t show my pain.
My body trembles as I tug my arm away from his grip. I yank open the door to find Heather sitting on the top step that leads down to the courtyard of our apartment.
“Can we please talk through this?” Heather looks away, no longer on Team Dawson it seems as she crosses her arms over her chest. It’s the same look she’d given Landon after we’d figured out that he was a grade A douchebag.
“Reese?”
“You. Lied. To. Me. Dawson !” I shout the words, enunciating every one. I look away from him again because the alarmed look on his face only makes it harder to hold myself together. “You went to her, and the saddest part about it all is that you could’ve told me. Would I have liked it? No. Probably not. But I think I would have been able to handle it more had you just been upfront with me.”
I lift my gaze to meet his, and I notice the look instantly, one of frantic panic.
“You took a call from Renee, and then you rushed to her aide, forgetting about everything you and I have going here.” He tries to argue, but I don’t allow him too. “This. This.” I point to him and then me. “This alone makes me question everything, makes me realize that there’s something you still have holding you to her.”
“No .” He steps toward me and reaches out, only I step away before he can grab ahold. “Let me explain."
“You had that chance before you left this morning and again when you came home. Yet both times you lied. I can’t even trust you.” I take in another deep inhale before I slowly release it. “I just can’t do this with you right now.”
Dawson
“The next time you wanna lie, you should remember who it is you’re lying too. I know all the signs, Dawson. I know you.”
I stand rooted in the doorway of our apartment as I watch Reese walk away. Heather leads, as Reese descends behind her, not looking back. My heart races and my hands shake as panic courses through me. I know I fucked up the minute I’d said I was meeting Kevin, but the reality is that things have shifted between Reese and me. The idea of hurting her before I even knew what it was Renee truly wanted was something I wanted to avoid. But in the end, it was exactly what I ended up doing. The idea of taking care of this situation without tainting what Reese and I had was something I never should’ve thought was possible.
My legs move before my mind has the time to register, and I take the stairs two at a time to catch up to them. The two of them share some words before Heather climbs inside of her own car and Reese starts to place her bags in her Jeep.
“Reese, wait!” Her body visibly freezes, but only for a few seconds as I step up behind her. “Please, can we just talk through this?”
“I can’t give you that right now.”
“Why?” My hands itch to touch her, but I refrain from doing so and only further pissing her off.
“Because right now, I’m so angry with you.” She braces herself against the door frame of her Jeep, her shoulders rising and falling with one deep breath after another. “It’s me. Why lie?”
“Yes. It’s you. But we’re different now.” Before I get the chance to explain, she spins around and pins me with a look of distaste.
“I don’t want us to be different.” She pushes against my chest and I do nothing to stop her. “I just want us to be more. I thought we had something, but I guess that was me being presumptuous or stupid.”
“We do have something.” The harder I try, the more it seems to place a distance between us.
“Stop.” Reese pins me with her stare. “If we had anything more than two friends that took things too far, you wouldn’t have found it so easy to lie to me when the girl you once loved returned.” Fuck. My heart sinks. “She called and you ran, leaving the booty call in bed oblivious to where you were going. Or so you thought.”
“Is that what really what you think you are? A damn booty call?” Now it’s my turn to get upset at her for diminishing what we have.
“I was the one to have some fun with. I was convenient. The roommate you fucked, right?”
“Don’t.” I reach out for her and she shoves my hand away.
“No,” she grinds out as her nostrils flare, “you don’t.”
I don’t stop her when she walks to the other side of her Jeep and climbs inside. I don’t stop her when she starts it. I don’t stop her when she pulls away. I don’t stop her from walking out of my life. I don’t stop her because I made a huge mistake. I fucked up big time.
Reese has always been the person I could talk to about anything at any time, but the reality is that things have changed. My fear of her thinking the worst when I mentioned Renee drove my need to lie. It was wrong. I know that now. It may just have cost me both my best friend and the other half of my soul.
“You need to clean this place up,” Kevin says as he looks around the apartment. “Looks like a shit storm in here.”
Flipping him off requires more effort than I am willing to give. So instead, I sit down on the couch and stare ahead at the television.
“Are you watching the Food Network?”
Again I don’t respond. The television may be on, but honestly, I haven’t noticed.
“She’s gonna come back.”
“When?” I finally give him more than just a blank stare. “Because it’s been three days and I’m still fucking waiting.”
“What do you expect, Dawson? You hurt her.” Kevin sits in the chair next to the couch.
“You think I don’t know that I fucked up everything with Reese?” My chest aches. “I knew it the second the lie left my mouth. I should’ve just told her where I was going, but I’d spent months fearing the idea that if I showed Reese my true feelings, it would ruin our friendship. Then we happened. In my mind, I was terrified of losing what we were building. Reese saw Renee and me together. She witnessed all our ups and downs. She was the person I’d talked to about my feelings for Renee. She sat by my side when things ended. What I shared with her? Jesus, Kevin. I told her about all Renee and my intimate moments. I know in Reese’s mind she’s romanticized it all as my long lost love returning, but that’s nowhere close to reality.”
“Then tell her.”
“She won’t talk to me. I’ve tried.”
“Try harder. Make her listen.” If only it were that simple.
My phone rings, and I lean over, swiping it up off the table before me. Renee’s number lights up the screen and my stomach feels like it has bottomed out. “What’s the name of that addiction clinic that your cousin went too?” I look up to Kevin while still holding the ringing phone in my hand. “The one that he stayed in for six weeks and then continued to go to for meetings and groups?”
“New Found Hope?”
“Yeah.” The ringing stops as the call goes to voicemail. “What’s something like that run?”
“I know it’s expensive, but I’m not sure the exact cost. Why?”
“Renee.” Saying her name alone makes that empty feeling of Reese’s absence return with a vengeance. “She needs a place to get some help.”
“You’re still gonna help her after everything with Reese?”
My phone vibrates with the indicator announcing I now have a new voicemail. “I don’t know what to do.” The truth is I feel so fucking torn at this point that I don’t know which way is up or down. “I need to fix things with Reese. Feeling the way I’m feeli
ng now with her gone is killing me. But then I know Renee doesn’t have anyone else and if I don’t help her, who will?”
The need to offer assistance to someone who needs help is overpowering. In my mind it isn’t the girl I was once in love with but a troubled person crying out for help.
“Even if helping Renee costs you Reese?”
I close my eyes tightly and try to move past the ache his question inflicts.
Reese
“Thank you for letting me stay here the last few nights.” Heather sits down on the window sill at my side. She often complains about her small apartment, but it is honestly cozy. It’s the perfect amount of space for one person and the view is pretty amazing too. Especially from the large window seating she has.
“I told you that you can stay as long as you need to.”
I look down at the traffic below, people walking along the streets almost as if they don’t have a care in the world and I wish for that too. Hoped for the unresolved feelings inside of me to go away and quit nagging my already wounded heart. “I know I need to talk to him. I’m just not sure what to say at this point.”
“How about you start with what you’re feeling?” I look away from the distraction below and face her. “You feel used, maybe a little scared.” I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to hide my emotions. I was good at hiding how I felt. I’d done it for years in regards to Dawson and each day I hid the pain of my mother’s loss. It’s what I do. I push forward and remained unaffected, or so it appeared.
Pretending now is pointless because Heather has been by my side throughout the last few days. She’s listened to me cry and has comforted me as I hit my low points over and over. “But this is Dawson we’re talking about, Reese. He wouldn’t hurt you intentionally. Even with your sadness, you have to know that.”
