But for the next two weeks, whenever Bill came to pick Liz up, Megan was a little more respectful. She didn’t say much to him, but she wasn’t rude to him either, and Liz was grateful. It was the best she could hope for, for the moment. Jamie and Peter were still his most ardent fans among the kids.
Liz was spending a lot of time with Bill, and they went to his apartment and made love whenever he had some time and was off duty. Sometimes they spent time together when he was on call, and he would have to leap out of bed and grab the phone, but Liz never objected. She had a strong respect for his work, more than for her own these days. She had told him more than once that her family law practice depressed her. She no longer seemed to enjoy what she was doing. It had been fun with Jack, but it wasn’t anymore. It seemed frivolous and argumentative and so pointless. The only thing she really liked these days was structuring good custody arrangements for people’s children.
“Maybe I’m losing it,” she said to him one day when they met in the hospital cafeteria for a sandwich. She had just been to court, and she was furious with one of her clients, who had behaved like a boor to his wife in court in front of the judge. She had been tempted to walk off the case, but she hadn’t. “I don’t even enjoy going to court anymore.”
“Maybe you just need a breather.” She’d only had two weeks off in the past year, she worked weekends and nights, and she was carrying a double workload.
“Maybe I should go to beauty school and get a job in a beauty parlor. It might be more useful.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he smiled at her, but she still looked unhappy.
“Jack loved family law work, it was really more his thing than mine. I just got good at it from working with him. But I don’t know now….” She was one of the best divorce lawyers in the area, and it was hard to believe she didn’t like it. Her clients would have been stunned by what she was saying. She was always so full of energy, bright ideas and creative suggestions. But lately, she felt like a windup doll whose batteries had run down. She didn’t enjoy it anymore, and she wasn’t happy. But she felt she owed it to Jack to keep going, for him.
She asked Bill what he was doing for Thanksgiving. They had talked about it once before, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be working. He had just found out that he had the day off, and he wouldn’t even be on call. He was free to do whatever he wanted, but he hadn’t made any plans since he had expected to be working over the holiday.
“Why don’t you spend it with us?” Liz said easily. The children were getting used to him, and it might be a nice way to break everyone in, she thought, over the holidays. They all loved Thanksgiving, or at least they had, when their father was alive. Liz knew it would be different this year, for all of them and her too. And trying to keep the tension level down, she had discouraged her mother from coming out.
But she wasn’t prepared for the children’s reaction when she told them that Bill would be joining them. Megan had a fit, predictably, Rachel and Annie said that he wasn’t part of the family and didn’t belong there, and even Jamie looked a little startled. She talked to Peter about asking Bill not to come, but he thought that would be mean, and he thought it might be nice to have him. And in the end, she didn’t say anything to Bill about their reaction. She just hoped they’d settle down, and be good sports when the day came, but she realized on Thanksgiving Day that her optimism had been unfounded. When the doorbell rang and he arrived, all three girls were still very angry with her.
Bill walked in wearing a tweed jacket, gray slacks, and a red tie, and Liz was wearing a brown velvet pantsuit. The children were all neatly dressed, and Peter was wearing the same suit he’d worn at his father’s funeral, Jamie his gray flannels and blazer. They were a handsome group, and as Liz poured Bill a glass of wine, she was suddenly glad that he had joined them. She realized suddenly how empty the table would seem to all of them without their father there. It would have turned into another mournful memory of him, and this way they had to keep up a good front, and talk to Bill, and each other.
They sat down to their Thanksgiving meal at five o’clock as they always did, and she said grace, as they bowed their heads. She thanked God for the many blessings they shared, the people at their table, and those who were absent, and specifically Jack. There was a long moment of silence after she said it, and Megan looked pointedly at Bill Webster. And then Liz said “Amen” and went out to the kitchen with Peter to get the turkey.
Peter was seated at the head of the table, which reminded everyone again that things were different, and the new face seated next to Liz emphasized it even further.
The bird itself was a splendid specimen, and Liz had cooked it to perfection. Carole was off for the weekend, and the girls had helped her make the stuffing. Rachel particularly liked to cook, and Jamie had helped them. But when Peter tried to carve, he proved to be hopelessly inept, and Liz had never been good at carving. Bill stepped to the head of the table with a smile.
“Let me give you a hand, son,” he said amiably. He was enjoying the family scene around the table. It had been years since he’d celebrated a real Thanksgiving. He was always working. But his choice of words had run through Megan’s heart like a sword, and she spoke barely audibly but loud enough for Bill to hear her.
“He’s not your son,” she said in a venomous tone. Bill looked surprised and glanced at Liz, and then turned to Megan.
“I’m sorry, Megan. I didn’t mean to offend anyone.” There was total silence then as he carved the bird, and he was good at it. And as Liz handed out their full plates she chatted a little too much and a little too hard to compensate for the awkward moment. But by the time Bill sat down again, everyone had calmed down.
The table was quieter than usual this year. It was their first Thanksgiving without their father, and everyone was aware that the agony of Christmas was coming.
Bill asked if they’d done their Christmas shopping yet, and everyone looked mournful at the question. They were not an easy group to entertain, but eventually Jamie made them laugh at something he said, and Annie chimed in, and reminded them of the year that Dad had dropped the turkey on the kitchen floor while he was carving it, and no one had told Mom. She never knew it had slid halfway across the floor before she served it.
Bill laughed along with them, and Liz poured him another glass of wine, and when they took the plates out to the kitchen and brought back the pies, Rachel said loudly that he drank too much, and Bill heard her.
“It’s okay, Rachel, I’m not on call today,” he said with a warm smile, but she didn’t respond, and he went on talking to Jamie. Bill was certainly not drunk, but he’d had three glasses of wine by then and seemed comfortable and happy. He’d been talking to Jamie about football.
“Dad hated football.” Megan added insult to injury, she was goading him, and they all knew it.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Meg. It’s a great sport. I used to play in college.”
“Dad said only morons and brutes play football,” she said then, stepping over the line, and her mother was quick to stop her.
“Megan, that’s enough!”
“Yes, it is, Mom!” She threw down her napkin and stood up with tears in her eyes. “Why does he have to be here with us? He’s not our father, he’s just your boyfriend.”
The other children looked stunned, and Liz was shaking as she answered. “Bill’s our friend, and it’s Thanksgiving. That’s what Thanksgiving is about, friends joined around a table to give thanks, and to join hands in friendship.”
“Is that what you do with him? ‘Join hands’? I’ll bet you do a lot more than that, and I’ll bet Daddy hates you for it,” she said, and then ran up the stairs to her room and slammed the door, as Peter leaned over and apologized for her. But one by one, Rachel and Annie left the table too, as Jamie helped himself to a slice of apple pie while no one was looking. It looked too good to waste, and no one else could think about eating.
“So much for family holidays,” Bill said
with a grim look, as Liz looked at him in devastation. She realized now that she had been ambitious in inviting him, and including him in the family wasn’t going to be as easy as he had hoped. In fact, she understood all too well now, it was going to be a nightmare.
“I’ll go up and talk to her,” Peter said, looking embarrassed for all of them, and then to Bill, “I’m sorry about my sisters.”
“Don’t worry about it. I understand.” But in fact, he didn’t. He was looking tense and grim when he glanced at Liz, dabbing at her eyes with her napkin.
“I guess this is harder for them than I thought.”
“It wasn’t exactly a picnic for me either, Liz,” he said bluntly. “The role of intruder isn’t one I wear very well, I’m afraid. They act like I’m an ax murderer, or as if I killed their father.” His ego was bruised, and his feelings had taken a beating at her children’s hands, and he had no one to take it out on but her. Everyone was angry at her. Bill, and three of her children. Only Jamie looked unconcerned as he kept on eating. There was no one else left at the table.
“You have to understand how hard this is for them. It’s their first Thanksgiving without their father.”
“I know that, Liz. But that’s not my fault.” He raised his voice to her as he said it, and Jamie looked at him in consternation.
“No one said it was, but you’re here and he’s not. This is all my fault. I probably shouldn’t have asked you,” Liz said, still crying, as Jamie watched them in silence.
“And what about next year? I’ll make sure to sign up for a seventy-two-hour stretch at the hospital over Thanksgiving. It’s obvious I won’t be welcome here, at least not till your kids leave home.” He was overwhelmed by his own anger.
“Are you coming for Thanksgiving next year?” Jamie asked with interest.
“I was planning to, but now I’m not so sure,” he snapped at the child and then hated himself for it. He reached out and touched Jamie’s hand, and lowered his voice again so he didn’t scare him. “I’m sorry … I’m just upset.”
“Megan was rude to Mom,” Jamie said matter-of-factly. “And so was Annie. Don’t they like you?” He looked sad for his friend, and Liz saw Bill’s jaw tense when he answered.
“I guess not. I guess that’s the crux of it, isn’t it?” He directed his question at Liz, who wanted desperately to reassure him. “I guess I’m persona non grata here, and I’m kidding myself if I think it’s ever going to be any different. As Megan said so succinctly at the beginning of the meal, I’m not their father, and I never will be.”
“No one’s expecting you to be,” Liz said in the calmest voice she could muster. “All you have to be is their friend. No one’s expecting you to fill Jack’s shoes,” she said softly, fighting back her own tears, as he glowered at her.
“Maybe I am, Liz. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I was deluding myself that I could be important to you, and to them, instead of just an interloper, always playing second best to him. What was it Megan said, ‘a brute and a moron’?”
“She was just trying to provoke you.” Her loyalty was to her children, but to him too. It was a ghastly situation for her.
“Well, she succeeded very nicely. In fact,” he stood up and put his napkin down on the table, “I think I’ll give you all some relief, and myself. I think it’s time for me to go back to work.”
“I thought you weren’t working today,” she said, looking confused and upset. He had told her he was off for the holiday, which was how it had all started.
“I think I’ll go back anyway. At least I know what I’m doing there. I think family scenes, particularly on holidays, aren’t my strong suit.” In truth, he had done fine, but the deck had been stacked against him, and he knew it. It had been a no-win situation right from the beginning. He looked at Liz from where he stood, and neither of them moved, but she knew that something terrible was happening, and they were both afraid to say it. “Thanks for dinner, Liz. I’ll call you.” And without another word, he walked out the front door and slammed it behind him, as she sat staring at it.
Jamie looked up at her then, having finished his pie, and commented on the situation. “He forgot to say good-bye to me. Is he mad at me?”
“No, sweetheart. He’s mad at me. Your sisters were very rude to him.”
“Are you going to spank them?” She smiled at the question. She never had, and she wasn’t planning to start now at their age, but the suggestion was certainly tempting.
“No, but someone should.”
“Santa Claus is going to put coal in their stockings,” Jamie said with a solemn look, and Liz smiled sadly. Just thinking about Christmas made her shudder. It was the anniversary of Jack’s death, and she realized that under no circumstances could she include Bill in what they were doing. The Thanksgiving they had just experienced had taught her a painful lesson.
She and Jamie cleared the rest of the table then, and afterwards she went upstairs to talk to her daughters. Peter was sitting with all of them, and it was obvious that Megan had been crying.
“I hate him!” She spat at her mother, but Liz managed to stay calm in spite of the havoc she had caused. She knew what was behind it.
“I don’t think you do, Meg. What’s to hate? He’s a nice man, even if he did play football in college. What you hate is the fact that your father’s gone. So do I. But there’s nothing we can do about it. And it’s not Bill’s fault. I shouldn’t have invited him to join us today, and I’m sorry.”
Peter touched her arm with a gentle smile. He admired her so much, she was always straight with them, and he knew how much she loved them. She had been there for him in every possible way after his accident that summer. And he was sorry for her that their Thanksgiving had been such a disaster, and that Bill had been Megan’s scapegoat. Like Liz, he understood perfectly why it had happened. Better than Bill did. In his opinion, Bill had overreacted, and he said as much to his mother when he walked her back to her own room.
“I’m not sure I blame him. The kids hit pretty hard, and he’s not used to that. He doesn’t have kids, he hasn’t been married in a long time. I think his feelings were hurt. He feels like he can’t measure up to your father.”
“Give him time,” Peter smiled. “They’ll get used to him,” he said hopefully.
“I hope so.”
She lay on her bed in the dark for a while, in her brown velvet suit, with her shoes off, thinking about Jack, and Bill, and her children. It was a complicated situation, and she had her own grief and feelings to contend with. There was hardly room for them, she was always too busy dealing with other people. And as she lay there, she started to cry as she thought of her husband and how much she missed him. He had left a huge hole behind, and sometimes it seemed like there was no way to fill it. She loved Bill, but not the way she had loved her husband. At least not yet, but she thought she might someday. It would always be different because they were different people.
The phone rang while she was still lying there in the dark, and she reached out a hand to answer it, without turning the light on. It was Bill, and he sounded stressed. He didn’t sound any better than he had when he left. In fact, he sounded slightly worse, but he said there was something he had to tell her.
“What’s that?” she asked, with her eyes closed, still missing Jack, and feeling terrible about what had happened. She still felt as though she had Everest to climb, and she had been climbing for eleven months now.
“I’m sorry, Liz. I can’t do this. I’ve thought about it, and I don’t know what happened to me. I think I went kind of crazy for a while. I met you and fell in love with you, and your family looks so wholesome from the outside, and you were so vulnerable, I just fell into it like a trap. But it’s not me, and I want out now.” Her eyes opened brusquely and she stared into the darkness as she listened.
“What are you saying to me?” But she knew. He had already made it clear, she just didn’t want to hear it.
“I’m saying that I made a mistake
, and it’s over. I love you, and your kids are great. But I just can’t do it. Megan did us all a big favor today. It could have taken us months or even years to see it this clearly. I had blinding clarity after I left. I went running, and it all came clear to me. I was insane for awhile, but now I’m not … Liz … I’m sorry … but it’s over.” She couldn’t even find words to say to him. She lay there feeling as though someone had hit her in the chest and knocked the wind out of her. She was speechless. And all she could think of were the waves of panic that had engulfed her when Jack died. And now she was losing Bill. She had barely had time to get used to him, to let him into her heart, but he was lodged there in spite of it, and now he was prying himself out. It was over. In one fell swoop, she had lost him. Thank you, Megan.
“Don’t you want to think about this for a while?” She tried to reason with him, as she would have one of her children. “You’re panicking, and your feelings are hurt. They’ll get used to you, you know. All they need is time.”
“There’s no point, Liz. This isn’t what I want. I see that clearly now. We should both be grateful.” But she wasn’t grateful. She was devastated. “I’ll call in a few days to see how you are. I’m sorry, I really am, but this is the way it was meant to be. I know it.” How did he know? And what did he know? Two of her daughters had been rude to him, but they were just children, and they missed their father.
“Why don’t you just calm down, and we’ll talk about it later.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” He sounded panicked.
“I’m out, Liz. I told you, it’s over. You have to understand that.” Why? Why did she have to understand everyone else’s bad behavior? Why did she have to make excuses for him and her children? Why did she have to be the one who lost every time? They had lost too, but she had lost even more than they had.
“I love you,” she said clearly, as tears began to choke her.
The House on Hope Street Page 17
