by Jo Beverley
Lillian nodded. “If he were here now, he would tell you not to spend the rest of your life pining for him. You’re still a young woman, Clarissa. You deserve to love, and to be loved again. That’s what Jeremy would want for you.”
Clarissa drew in a deep breath, the ache blooming in her chest. “I don’t know if I can love again. Not after what happened to Jeremy.”
Lillian studied her through narrowed eyes. After several considering moments, she seemed to reach a decision. “He would certainly not want you to molder away in that gloomy house, turning yourself into a nurse for his invalid of a father. Colonel Middleton is as rich as Croesus. He could hire ten nurses to attend him, if only you would agree to it.”
Clarissa shook her head. “But—”
Lillian waved away her attempt to protest. “You know it’s true. And you know part of you wants it, too, or you wouldn’t have come here tonight.”
Clarissa let out a grudging laugh. “I never could hide anything from you, could I?”
“Nor can you resist me. I’ve known what’s best for you since the day we met. I was the one who introduced Jeremy to you, wasn’t I? You must trust me to know what you need.”
Clarissa tamped down a flare of irritation. People always claimed to know what was best for her. And they never had any compunction about telling her what to do.
Not that she could blame her friends and family. Always, she’d been painfully shy. A milksop, her father used to call her. Only Jeremy Middleton had made her feel confident and happy. But her husband had gone off to war and to his death, leaving her alone and frightened once more.
Meeting Lillian’s troubled gaze, Clarissa dredged up a brittle smile. She hated it when her friends fussed over her. It made her feel resentful, and that resentment made her feel guilty and ungrateful.
“You’re right, Lillian,” she replied in an apologetic voice. “I’m sorry for being so petulant. Jeremy would be upset to see me sulking in a corner, pouring out my troubles to you. And I’m sure you’re longing to dance with Richard. I see him mooning at you from the other side of the ballroom.”
Lillian scoffed. “He always looks like that. He does it to keep me from flirting with other men.”
Clarissa smiled. “But it never works, does it?”
“Heavens, no!” Lillian said, giving her husband a cheerful wave. “What’s the good of being married if you can’t flirt? It’s just a bit of harmless fun, and Richard knows it.”
Suddenly, Lillian switched her assessing gaze to Clarissa’s face.
“No, Lillian,” Clarissa said firmly, recognizing that look. “Whatever it is, I’m not interested.”
Lillian gave her a sly grin. “You will be, once I’m through with you. I’m agreeing with you, Clarissa. You don’t need a husband—you need a flirtation.”
Clarissa gaped at her, rendered speechless. “Have you lost your senses?” she finally choked out. “I haven’t the faintest idea how to flirt! I never did.”
“For someone who never flirted, you always had a long line of suitors. It practically snaked round the block of your house in St. James’s Square,” Lillian replied dryly.
“It wasn’t because I flirted with them. It was because of Papa’s wealth.”
Lillian batted aside that objection with a wave of the hand. “There were a great many rich girls when you were out, but none held a candle to you. What’s more, you’re the sweetest woman in London.”
Clarissa grimaced. “Sweet, meaning boring.”
“Absolutely not. There are dozens of men in this room who would kill for your notice.”
“But I have no conversation,” Clarissa protested. “Truly, I don’t think I could flirt to save my life.”
“You’ve forgotten how, but it’s like riding a horse,” Lillian replied, scanning the room for likely prospects. “It will come back as soon as you climb into the saddle.”
Clarissa resisted the urge to drop her head into her hands and groan. “Lillian—”
“Oh, look,” her friend exclaimed, jumping up. “Christian’s finally arrived.”
Casting a silent prayer heavenward for the timely interruption, Clarissa rose and shook out her skirts. “Rather late, isn’t he? After all, this ball is in his honor.”
“I know. He’s a dreadful boy. But he was staying with friends in Kent and sent word he would be late. Apparently, he had a bit of an accident with his curricle.”
“Why does that not surprise me?”
Lillian wrinkled her nose at her. “Don’t be like that, darling. The only reason Christian agreed to this ball was to lure you out of that tomb of a house. He knew you couldn’t refuse to see him. Not after all these years. And especially since he’ll be returning to the Peninsula in just a few weeks.”
Clarissa frowned, finding it hard to believe that Lillian’s brother would spend any time thinking of her. Though she had known him all her life, she hadn’t spoken to him in years. Not since he’d joined the army at the age of nineteen. He had returned to England on and off over the years, but she and Jeremy had spent most of their time in Devon, more than happy to avoid the social rigors of the London Season. Their occasional visits to town had never coincided with Christian’s.
“I’m sure Christian rarely thinks of me,” she said.
“You’re wrong.” Her friend seized her hand in a firm clasp. “Chris specifically said to make sure you came. He’s always been very fond of you.”
Clarissa allowed Lillian to tow her through the press of bodies until they reached the edge of the dance floor. “I can’t imagine why. All we ever did was snipe at each other. He was the most rag-mannered boy I ever met. You said it yourself a thousand times.”
“That was years ago. Just look at him—he’s grown into such a handsome man. Doesn’t he look splendid in his uniform? He’s now an aide-de-camp to General Pakenham, you know. One of the youngest ever appointed.” Lillian leaned over, continuing in a confidential voice, “He’s up for a promotion—to Wellington’s command, no less. But don’t say anything. No one’s supposed to know. He expects to find out before he returns to Portugal.”
Clarissa could readily agree to Lillian’s request. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to a soldier about his military career, even if that soldier was Christian Archer. The scarlet-coated officers swirling about the ballroom reminded her far too much of Jeremy, lost forever to the random cruelty of a French bullet. But she bit her tongue and went up on tiptoe, trying to see over the dancers and the cheerful, gabbing mob on the perimeter of the room.
After a few moments of craning her neck, she gave up. Her short stature prevented her from seeing anyone but the guests in front of her. Papa had always called her a sad dab of a female, too small to catch the notice of any man worth his salt. That hadn’t proved to be the case, but the stinging memory of his words retained the power to make her cheeks burn with humiliation.
Lillian voiced a pleased exclamation and waved. The crowd parted in front of them, and a broad-shouldered man in an officer’s uniform appeared in the gap.
Clarissa’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open as she gazed up into eyes the color of sapphires, so striking in a tanned, lean face. She would recognize those eyes anywhere—the eyes of the scrappy hellion five years her junior who had teased her mercilessly when she was a young miss. But the powerful, hard-looking man who loomed over her now was no boy, even though his eyes still glittered with devilment.
Her breath died in her throat as Christian’s gaze roamed leisurely downward, pausing to linger on her low-cut bodice before moving back to her face. His eyes caught and held hers, and her heart kicked into a racing gallop. She watched, dumbfounded, as his sensual mouth curved up in a roguish, devastating grin.
Clarissa had seen the same look on Christian’s face so many times before in the past—a look of unbridled mischief. But now he was a man, and a battle-hardened soldier at that. Whatever his game was, she instinctively knew it would involve a great deal more than pulling on her
braids or putting a frog in her jewelry box.
That knowledge made her nervous, indeed.
Chapter 2
Clarissa stared into Christian’s deep-set eyes, unable to utter one sensible word. His smile slid into an amused grin, and she realized her mouth was open—wide enough to catch flies, if the look on his face was any indication.
Clamping her jaw shut, she inwardly cursed the flood of heat rushing to her cheeks. Blushing over Christian? What in the world had come over her?
“There’s no need to pink up on my account, Ladybird,” Christian said. “But I’ll be happy to take the reaction as a compliment.”
His words came out in a masculine rumble, warmed by a hint of laughter. In response, something fizzy shot down her spine. Surprise turned to alarm as she realized her body had turned traitor, responding to Christian on a purely physical level. Not since Jeremy marched off to war had she felt anything remotely similar. She had thought never to feel it again, nor had she any desire to.
Or so she had thought.
Fortunately, before she could do something truly stupid—such as continue to gape at Christian like a bird-wit—Lillian whacked her brother on the arm with her closed fan.
“Why in heaven’s name would you refer to Clarissa by that silly nickname? You know she has always hated it. You really are the most dreadful, annoying boy, Christian.”
He laughed—a rich, entrancing sound. As if by magic, the tumult of the ballroom faded away, and Clarissa found herself transported back to a time when the world was bright and peaceful. To a time when she and Lillian had romped through the woods on the Archer estate with a pack of frolicking spaniels on their heels, and a rambunctious, teasing boy always at hand to make them laugh.
“She hates it?” Christian asked. “She never said anything to me. But if that’s the case, certainly I’ll call her Clarissa from now on.”
“Now you’re being disrespectful,” Lillian scolded, sounding like her mother. “Her proper name is Mrs. Middleton, as well you know. Did you lose all your manners in the Peninsula?”
Christian’s vibrant eyes turned serious, although a shadow of a smile still lingered on his lips. He executed a faultless bow, looking every inch the dashing officer in his regimentals. “Mrs. Middleton, please forgive my shabby ways. I have been too long away from the civilizing influence of the ladies. You may blame my bad manners on the fact that I spend most of my time in the company of soldiers—an uncouth lot at the best of times.”
Clarissa forced herself to rally. It was only Christian. What did it matter that he had turned into perhaps the most handsome man she had ever seen? Besides, it was foolish for a widow to act in so ninny-headed a fashion over a younger man.
“There’s no need to apologize, Captain Archer,” she replied, trying to strike a note of friendly disinterest. “We’re the oldest of friends, are we not? I was simply surprised at how …”
She trailed off, running a quick glance over his tall, impressive physique. How to explain her reaction without sounding like a flustered schoolgirl? Her cheeks began to heat again as she struggled to find the correct response.
Although the devil was back in his eyes, he took pity on her.
“I imagine you’re surprised at how I’ve grown,” he said. “I believe I was little more than a callow youth the last time you saw me.”
Lillian rolled her eyes. “A beanpole, more like it. I never knew a boy as tall and skinny as you were before you joined the army. Father used to say you should have picked the navy, instead. They could have used you as a mast on a frigate.”
Clarissa smiled with relief as brother and sister bantered back and forth, finally understanding her strange reaction. The last time she had seen Christian he’d been a gangly boy, his body giving no hint yet that he would grow into such a powerful man. In his dress uniform, he was a handsome, intimidating giant.
“You certainly are quite large,” she interjected into a pause in the conversation. “I’m sure I ’d have to stand on a chair if I wanted to box your ears again. It was so much easier when you were a little boy.”
Christian’s ready laughter sent a ripple of pleasure humming through her body. Clarissa couldn’t help laughing, too, but more from surprise that she was actually enjoying herself than from the humor of her silly joke. A few nosy guests turned and leveled their quizzing glasses at her, but for once she didn’t care. It had been a long time since she had felt this at ease.
Christian’s eyes gleamed. “If you ever think I need my ears boxed, Mrs. Middleton, I’ll be happy to escort you to a chair and hand you up. I should be most happy to receive a correction from you.”
“Really, Christian, the things you say,” huffed Lillian.
But for all her scolding, Clarissa’s friend was a complete fraud. Lillian gazed at her brother, pride and love shining in her eyes. Clearly, no regrets for Christian’s chosen profession diminished her enjoyment of his company. No fears for his future frayed the edges of her happiness. Lillian and the entire Archer family had sent Christian off to war with their blessings, never doubting that he would cover himself in honor and glory. They seemed happy to make the sacrifice, even as the war dragged on year after year, the casualties mounting ever higher.
One of those casualties had been Jeremy.
At the unbidden thought, Clarissa pressed a hand to her stomach, willing the sick feeling that suddenly tightened her insides to subside. Unlike the Archers, she had begged her husband not to join the army. What were king and country to her if the war meant she might lose the man she loved? But Jeremy had gently but firmly overruled all her objections, telling her that every man must do his duty. She had almost hated him then, as she had in the months that followed his death.
Taking a deep breath, she cast her gaze around, trying to distract herself. But everywhere she looked, she saw only red coats and gold epaulettes. The room overflowed with officers—except for one. The only one who mattered to her, and who was lost forever.
A gentle hand touched her shoulder. She jerked her head up to meet Christian’s gaze. His too perceptive eyes inspected her.
“Mrs. Middleton, are you well? It’s very hot in here. Perhaps you should sit down.”
“Goodness, no,” she replied with a forced laugh. “I’m perfectly well, thank you.”
“You do look rather odd, dear,” said Lillian, peering at her with concern. “It’s no wonder, since it’s a terrible crush in here and getting worse by the minute. Are you sure—oh, blast! There’s Mother waving at me from the door, looking ready to pitch a fit. No doubt some kitchen disaster has struck, or we’re running out of champagne.”
She flashed Clarissa an apologetic smile. “I’d better see what’s wrong. You stay with Christian and catch him up on all the on-dits. I’ll see you both at supper.”
Before Clarissa could even think to object, Lillian slipped away, leaving her alone with a man she felt she no longer knew. And whose presence had thrown her disconcertingly off balance. As she looked into his eyes—so vibrantly blue—the room and the crowds wavered and dimmed, fading away. The strange sensations left her breathless.
Christian’s angular features registered mock alarm. “Good God, Mrs. Middleton. Left to your own devices with the dreadful boy! Shall I take you over to a chair now, so the boxing of my ears can commence? Or would you rather we stroll about the room and make cutting comments about the other guests? Either way, I promise I’ll do my best to entertain you.”
His lighthearted jesting eased her tension, and she cast him a smile. “Captain Archer, you’re under no obligation to entertain me. This is your night, after all. I’m sure you’d much rather spend it in the company of a beautiful young debutante than reminiscing with a quiz of an old widow.”
When he frowned, she inwardly winced. She hadn’t meant the words to come out bitterly, but it had become an old habit. An ugly one, borne of months of anger and grief.
Christian took her elbow and gently steered her to a shallow window alcove.
“Mrs. Middleton,” he said, “you must allow me to offer my condolences on the loss of your husband. He was a good and kind man, and the world is a poorer place without him. I’m sorry I haven’t had the opportunity to express my sentiments in person until now.”
Clarissa shook her head. “You needn’t apologize. I was most grateful for the letter you sent me after we received the news. It was a comfort knowing that you spoke with Jeremy only a few weeks before …” She let her voice trail off.
He slipped easily into the verbal gap. “I was grateful to have had the opportunity to speak to him, and hear the news from home. I’m rarely in one place long enough to receive letters in a timely fashion. Of course, Captain Middleton spoke mostly of you. He was devoted to you, as I’m sure you know.”
A flash of raw anger burned in her chest. “But not devoted enough to stay home with me, where he belonged,” she said in a clipped voice.
He looked startled. Hesitating for a moment, he responded in a gentle voice, pitched so only she could hear.
“Mrs. Middleton … Clarissa … your husband was a man of honor. He did what he believed was right. But it was clear to me, and to everyone who knew him, that his heart remained in England. With you. Why would you ever doubt that?”
Because I begged him not to go, and yet he did.
Out of habit, she swallowed the bitter words that came to her tongue, knowing how selfish she would sound. How could Christian, a battle-tested warrior, ever hope to understand what she felt?
“He should never have gone,” she managed to say in what she hoped was a rational voice. “He was far from strong. Physically, I mean. His doctor told him not to go, but he wouldn’t listen.”
Christian studied her face in silence, his keen eyes thoughtful. That in itself was surprising. She had expected him to deliver a lecture about duty and honor. Everyone else had chastised her when she had tried to stop Jeremy from transferring from the local militia to the regular army. No one had listened to her, or tried to understand.
