by Nell Stark
“Yeah,” Sarah said hoarsely. She leaned up to capture Chelsea’s lower lip, first sucking on it, then tracing it with her tongue. When Chelsea responded by pinching harder, Sarah’s hips bucked.
Chelsea pulled her mouth away and scooted down to use her tongue on Sarah’s breasts. Sarah’s back arched as Chelsea sucked on one nipple. “God, yeah—”
Chelsea raised her head and looked down at Sarah. They were both breathing hard. “You are so damn hot.”
“You’re making me crazy.”
“I mean to.”
Chelsea returned her mouth to Sarah’s breasts and let her hand slide down so that her palm was resting over the fly of Sarah’s jeans. The pleasure ebbed, suddenly, as Sarah tensed. Not like this. But Chelsea clearly misunderstood the reaction and began to nimbly unbutton Sarah’s pants.
“No,” Sarah blurted.
Chelsea froze and pulled back enough to meet Sarah’s gaze. “What’s wrong?”
I don’t know. Sarah took a deep breath, struggling to come up with an explanation. Everything was feeling great until it suddenly…wasn’t.
“Your roommate might come back,” she said lamely.
Chelsea grinned and went back to popping buttons. “She won’t come in. I put our code for ‘do not disturb’ up on the whiteboard on the door.”
Sarah smiled but moved one hand to rest firmly over Chelsea’s, halting her progress. “I just…I’d like to wait, if it’s okay.”
“Oh.” Chelsea moved her hand out from under Sarah’s and turned onto her side. Sarah moved in to spoon her, pressing a soft kiss against the nape of her neck.
“I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry.”
Chelsea’s laugh was rueful, but she snuggled back against Sarah’s body. “Maybe a little. Sorry if I was moving too fast. My ex and I slept together on our very first date, so I guess two weeks feels like a long time.”
Sarah closed her eyes, uncertain of what to say. She hadn’t waited very long before sleeping with Dar, either. So what’s wrong with me now? Chelsea wants me. She’s incredible at foreplay. Sarah buried her face between Chelsea’s shoulder blades, glad that her bedmate couldn’t see her face. Why can’t I just relax and have a good time? Why can’t I just be like Corrie?
One thing was certain: nothing more was going to happen tonight. Way to kill the mood, champ.
“Hang in there with me,” she whispered. “Okay?”
Chelsea pulled Sarah’s arm more tightly around her. “No problem.” She laughed softly. “I think it’s sweet that you want to wait, actually.”
Sarah decided not to reply. Better for Chelsea to believe her sweet, or old fashioned, or noble, than for her to know the truth.
I’m afraid. How messed up is that?
*
Half an hour later, Sarah zipped up her jacket as she left Chelsea’s dorm. She walked across the quad slowly, kicking at fallen leaves and wondering what the hell was wrong with her.
I like her, I really do. But maybe that was the problem. She had fallen head over heels for Dar. Even now, despite how that relationship had crashed and burned, Sarah could remember the profound depth of her emotion. So intense. So crazy intense. While she was attracted to Chelsea and found her fun to be with, that kind of passion was definitely missing.
Everyone who knew about the breakup, and even some who didn’t, had encouraged her to get out, meet new people, date. It had certainly seemed like a good idea a few weeks ago. But now, Sarah was starting to have doubts. What if that’s not how it works for me? What if I’m incapable of…dating?
She blew a long sigh into the mid-October night and watched her breath dissipate into the air. As she turned toward Hutchinson, she found herself wishing that it were really that easy to blend into her surroundings, seamlessly becoming part of everything around her.
It’s been less than two months. You’re still settling in. Give yourself some time. The funny thing was that for all intents and purposes, her life looked good. She was doing well in school. She was dating Chelsea, of all people. Money was tight, but she was managing. Just yesterday, Nancy had remarked on how many student volunteers she was bringing in to FRI. By all counts, she was successful, and should be happy. So why do I feel so…off?
Sarah shook her head and walked faster, as though she could outpace her existential crisis. I’ll feel better when I’m back home. Rory’s sharp wit and acerbic tongue always made her laugh.
*
Sarah opened the door to find Rory pacing the length of their room, holding the telephone to her ear and speaking rapidly in Korean. Her voice was elevated slightly—the conversation didn’t sound exactly comfortable. Once in a while, an English word stuck out in her speech, like a boulder breaking the flow of a whitewater river. Most of what Sarah could make out seemed to pertain to Rory’s film classes.
Sarah went to her desk and sat down. She couldn’t offer Rory privacy, really, but she could at least try to just go about her business and not pry. She cracked open her physical chemistry textbook to the week’s chapter but was unable to move past the first paragraph on the page. Instead, she was mesmerized by the cadence of Rory’s voice.
So cool. I wonder which she learned first. Does she dream in Korean? Sarah was impressed. She had taken several years of Spanish in high school, but it had never really stuck. Admit it. You never really tried to become anything more than proficient. How amazing would it be to be fluent in another language?
“Yeah,” Rory said. “Uh-huh, okay. Bye.” She set the phone back in its cradle, rolled her eyes at Sarah, and flopped down into one of the beanbag chairs in front of the television with a heavy sigh. “Parents.”
No kidding. Sarah’s stomach rolled the way it always did when she thought about her family. In over two months, she hadn’t heard a word from them. She swallowed down the anger and worked to change the subject. “Maybe this is a weird thing to say, but listening to you speak Korean is really cool.”
Rory laughed. “That’s hilarious. My Korean is for shit.” She picked up an Xbox controller and began fiddling with the buttons. “My older sister, Michelle, now she can speak it. I suck.”
“Well,” Sarah said stubbornly, “it sounds beautiful to me.”
“If you say so.” Rory shrugged. “I just wish they’d leave me alone sometimes, you know? Their pestering drives me crazy.” She looked up at Sarah. “Yours never call. Mine should take a page out of their book.”
Sarah felt like she’d been punched in the chest. Her heart lurched crazily, and she couldn’t take a deep breath. She stayed very still and tried to act like everything was normal, but Rory must have seen something in her face, because she sat up and frowned.
“What? What is it?”
Sarah shook her head. Sudden tears burned behind her eyes. She wanted to speak but couldn’t. Pull yourself together!
“Sarah? Did I—I mean…what’s wrong?” Rory scooted forward and tentatively rested her hand on Sarah’s knee.
“Don’t wish that.” Sarah felt as though the words had been pulled from her throat.
“I’m sorry,” Rory said. She looked confused, and worried. “Look, whatever it is…you don’t have to tell me, ’kay? No pressure.”
Her voice was soft and the heat of her palm soaked into Sarah’s skin, warming her. Anchoring her. Feels so good. Suddenly, she could breathe freely again.
I should tell her. She had been keeping the truth from Rory to avoid pity. But what use was there in hiding it now? Rory was her friend—the closest friend she had. She had proven that. And I’m tired of carrying this all by myself.
When she felt relief, Sarah knew that she had made the right decision.
“I don’t talk to my parents anymore,” she said quietly, focusing on a small coffee stain on the floor next to Rory’s feet. “This past summer, they found out that I’m queer. They were going to put me in counseling, and refused to continue paying tuition for Yale. When I left home and told them I wasn’t coming back, they disowned me. That’s why
I transferred here.”
She paused, but Rory didn’t say a word. Sarah didn’t trust herself to look Rory in the eyes, so she focused on the warm pressure of Rory’s hand on her leg and took an unsteady breath.
“I haven’t spoken to them since they cut me off. Fortunately, loans and my job are bringing in just enough money to keep me afloat.”
Rory took her hand away and got to her feet. Sarah instantly missed her comforting touch. She looked up to see her pacing, from the door to the television and back again.
“I’m angry,” Rory said suddenly. Her voice was low and tight. She didn’t stop walking, and she didn’t meet Sarah’s gaze. “I know that doesn’t help you, but I am. Really, really angry.”
Sarah felt her lips twist in something like a smile. She suddenly wanted to shelter Rory—to protect her from the same feelings that she was still fighting.
“I know what you mean. And it does help.” She caught Rory’s hand as she passed by, arresting her progress across the room. “Thank you.”
Rory squeezed her fingers. “I am so, so sorry that I brought it up.”
“You didn’t know. It’s all right. And frankly, it feels good to tell you.” Sarah let go of Rory’s hand to massage the back of her neck. So tense, these days. Always so damn tense. “I’d rather not have anyone else—”
“I won’t tell a soul,” Rory said immediately. “Not even Matt. Please don’t worry about that.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Rory flopped back down onto the beanbag chair. When she looked up at Sarah, her face was troubled. “If there’s anything I can do, anything at all…tell me, okay? Please?”
In an instant, Sarah’s relief soured into guilt for burdening Rory with her problems. You idiot. Why didn’t you just let it go when she gave you the out? She shook her head firmly. “No worries. I’m doing just fine, really. And I shouldn’t have laid all that on you. I’m sorry.”
“Sarah.”
The way Rory said her name—so very gently—made Sarah blink back more tears. Shit. Rory’s gaze held hers, even though she wanted to look away.
“Please don’t apologize. I wanted to know. It’s no burden.”
Sarah nodded. Miraculously, even her inner skeptic was convinced of Rory’s sincerity.
“Now,” Rory continued, switching to her usual, teasing tone. “I dunno about you, but I’m suddenly in the mood to blow shit up.” She gestured toward her Xbox. “How about a little Halo action?”
Sarah laughed even as she swiped the back of one hand across her eyes. “I told you, I’m abysmal at video games. Hopeless. Never even had a Nintendo when I was a kid.”
“Oh, what, you’re such an old dog that you can’t learn any new tricks?” Rory tossed her second controller to Sarah and gestured toward the unoccupied beanbag chair. “Get down here. I’ll teach you.”
Sarah rolled her eyes, but followed Rory’s orders. While the game loaded, Rory explained the functions of each of the buttons and both joysticks. The more she said, the more apprehensive Sarah felt.
“I’m going to suck at this,” she warned, holding the controller gingerly. “Are you sure this is going to be cathartic and not incredibly frustrating?”
Rory bumped her shoulder and pressed the Start key. “You’re not supposed to be a genius at it right away, child prodigy. It’s a game. No frustration allowed. Now hit ‘A’.”
Rory cycled through a series of options on the screen that left Sarah feeling dizzy. “What are you doing?”
“Choosing weapons and a place to fight,” Rory said. “We’re each going to have a shotgun. I’m going to stand in the middle of everything and you’re going to practice on me. All right?”
“Um, sure.”
Sarah manipulated the joystick clumsily and watched her avatar move back and forth across the screen with jerky movements. “See? I’m sucking already. And I feel kind of seasick.”
“You’re doing fine,” Rory said. “Just run over here. Good. Now, make sure your gun sight is on me. Yeah, like that.”
“Now what?”
Rory grinned ferally. “Pull the trigger.”
When Sarah did, Rory’s screen started blinking and alarm bells went off. “Nice shot!” said Rory. “Now do it again.”
Sarah obliged, and Rory’s heavily armored avatar fell to the ground. “Whoa,” she said. “That thing packs quite a punch.”
Rory held up her hand for a high five. “Cathartic, yeah? Like I said.”
“Look at the size of this gun,” Sarah said, playing along. “How…phallic and empowering.”
Rory laughed and leaned toward Sarah, her dark eyes glittering. “C’mon, Storm, let’s go again, and this time I won’t be quite so easy on you.”
The innocent appellation made Sarah freeze momentarily. Storm. Her friends at Yale had called her that. But hearing her last name now, out of Rory’s mouth, didn’t produce the nostalgic pang she had expected. It just sounded good. I’m exactly where I want to be.
“Bring it on, Song,” she declared, relaxing into the competitive banter. Right here, right now, she didn’t feel out of place at all. “Let’s see what you’ve got!”
Chapter Seven
One month later
Rory, perched in the corner of Nancy’s office behind her tripod, zoomed out on the three women sitting at the conference table when Nancy finished her summation of FRI’s financial situation and sat back in her chair.
“Okay—anything else, before we quit for the day?”
“I have an idea that I’d like to run past you both,” Sarah said. Rory shifted the camera angle slightly and zoomed back in, focusing on Sarah. “I’ve been doing some research into how organizations in other states have worked to protest similar amendments. In Wisconsin, they organized a candlelight vigil at the Capitol building. Apparently that was well attended by students and community members alike.”
Rory smiled as both Kelly and Susan leaned forward eagerly. Sarah had run the idea by her on their way to the FRI office earlier this afternoon, and Rory thought it was brilliant. Now, as she watched Sarah begin to pitch the vigil to her superiors, she felt proud of her creativity and persuasiveness.
She really is a professional, Rory mused, keeping an eye on the camera to ensure that Sarah hadn’t moved out of its field of vision. On second thought, Rory zoomed out again, wanting the audience to be able to see just how convincing Sarah could be. No one could resist her. Over the past few weeks, Rory had watched her transform even the most apathetic GLBT students and allies into burgeoning activists. Rory was certain that even if she hadn’t been documenting the Vote No campaign, Sarah would have gotten her involved.
“So, if you think this is a good plan,” Sarah was saying, “I’ll go ahead and get in touch with student leaders at Brown and Providence College to see what they think.”
“That sounds great,” Kelly said. She looked to Nancy, who was nodding enthusiastically.
“I agree,” Nancy chipped in. “Excellent idea. I may be able to get us some pretty high-powered speakers, too, depending on the date.”
Sarah smiled brilliantly at the praise. Rory felt her own lips curve up. It was impossible not to be affected by Sarah’s happiness. The only thing better than seeing that expression was being the cause of it.
“I’ll make some phone calls tomorrow to get the ball rolling,” Sarah said. “If Brown and PC are on board, I’d like to set a date before we hit the Thanksgiving holiday.”
“Good,” Nancy said. She pushed her chair back. “Okay. I think we’re done for the day.”
Rory turned off her camera and made a few notes about the afternoon of filming. Some of her earlier footage would work well in a montage, while the staff meeting might be something to show in pieces, interspersed with a few interviews. She waved good-bye as Kelly left the office, then she folded up her tripod and slid it into its carrying case. Yawning, she meandered over to Sarah’s desk, where Sarah was frowning intently at her computer.
“Didn’t yo
u hear it’s closing time? Whatcha doing?”
“Updating the Vote No Facebook page.” Sarah looked over her shoulder and smiled. “We broke five hundred members today.”
“That is kick-ass!”
“Yeah, it really is.” Sarah turned back to the computer. “How’d filming go?”
“I got some excellent office footage. Your staff meeting, you on the phone, you printing flyers. Good stuff.”
Sarah looked skeptical. “Sounds kind of boring, actually.”
“Yeah, well, it’d be less boring if you took my suggestion to wear leather to work. You know, like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld.” Not for the first time, Rory considered just how ridiculously hot Sarah would look in that kind of outfit. She has the perfect body for it.
Sarah burst out laughing and spun around in her chair. “And what kind of message would that send, exactly, about this campaign?”
Rory smirked. “The sexy kind.”
“Hmm.” Sarah leaned back and steepled her fingers beneath her chin. “I can see the slogan now: ‘It’s sexy to vote no.’”
“Exactly!” Rory poked Sarah in the shoulder. “It’s all about the marketing. You’re learning quickly.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “You are so crazy.”
“Yeah, and I’m also starving. Want to hit the dining hall?”
“Sure. I’m done here.”
Rory slung the tripod case and camera bag over one shoulder while Sarah zipped up her backpack. She would have preferred to eat at her favorite Thai restaurant in downtown Kingston, but it was kind of expensive, and Sarah would insist on going dutch. Caf food it is, then.
As they walked back toward campus, they passed a wide variety of storefronts. The window displays were universally Thanksgiving-themed. Rory cast a sidelong glance at Sarah, who hadn’t yet mentioned her plans. Rory hadn’t wanted to bring it up, but at this point, with just over a week until the holiday, she had to say something.
