by Shawn Luther
I have also been diagnosed as having PTSD from events in my childhood. I spent most of the last few years getting to a place where I understand my triggers. I can finally recognize and stop doing things hurtful to my soul.
I took my lumps and got on with my life. That was 3 years ago. I had not dated, mostly because I haven’t found anyone worthy and because I have learned when not to get involved. Mo knew all this. What she did not understand was that I honestly had no romantic notions where this young woman is concerned. Sure I found her attractive and I am human enough to admit she is sexy. I also know that I do not need that in my life right now. Sabra does not need it either. I am sure she needs a friend and someone to look out for her until she gets back on her feet. I drifted off to sleep thinking about how all this would play out. Drowsy and out of thoughts I turned over and pulled Sabra closer and smelled her hair one last time before sleep finally claimed me. “Whatever you need to tell yourself slick.” This was my last drowsy thought.
Chapter 11
Hours later when the midday sun hit me square in the face through my bedroom window. I sat bolt upright in the bed rubbing my eyes and glancing around the room. My sleep addled mind was trying to focus when I looked down and notice my shirt had somehow gotten lost during the night.
I jumped out of bed not caring that I am dressed only in my boxers and went into the living room. Sabra had made breakfast and left a plate for me in the microwave with a note saying;
“Jo,
I have an errand to run and I’m going shopping for a few things. Be back soon.
She signed it simply
“S”
I pour myself a cup of java and sat down at the table. My overtired brain was whirling already this morning. I hadn’t meant to sleep so late but having someone to cuddle with had seemingly knocked me smooth out. Why had she come to my bed last night? I kept telling myself it was all innocent and I had no intent of getting involved with a 21 year old woman. I was going over the whole thing in my head when the phone rang
It was Mo, “Hey butt head are we doing this or not?” I hadn’t realized that it was half past noon.
“Shit! I did not mean to sleep this late.” If Mo had known I was sitting there without a shirt she would not understand.
I began to tell my friend about my evening, leaving out I had somehow lost my shirt, when she interrupted me with a curt, “I’m coming over sit tight!”
I hung up the phone and went shower and dress. I was toweling my hair dry when I heard a pounding at my door. I draped the towel around my neck and went to let Mo in.
She took one look at me and said gently, “We need to have a long talk my friend.”
I flopped down on the couch because I knew the look in her eyes all too well. I was about to receive a “Come to Jesus” meeting, Monica Lee Lewis style.
Mo never said much but when she had too she could lay down the law. She did not talk much because the shock therapy from years ago had caused a slur to her speech. It is called dysarthria. A side effect of the shock therapy is supposed to get rid of homosexual tendencies.
I touched my friends’ face, “Mo I know what you’re going to say.” Mo took my hand and held it in her lap as she began to speak.
“Jo you’re my best friend and we have been though some shit. We saved each other from our childhood. You know I’ll do whatever you feel needs doing. I just need you to look deep down and make sure this isn’t your Knight in Shining Armor kicking in.”
When she had said her piece she sat back and sighed. “You know I'm only thinking of you Jo.”
We had never had a real “huggy” relationship so I socked her in the arm and smiled.
“Mo you’re a peach! I have been doing nothing but think this over.” I continued with a frown,
“I need to do this for all the times I felt hopeless against other people’s power over me.”
Mo just shook her head and smiled at me. She knew I would not let this go. She knew me well enough to know I was going through with the Rudy thing. It was the principle of the thing.
What I did not know was that I had woken up at some point in the wee hours from a horrible nightmare. Sabra had rubbed my back until my heart stopped pounding. She had removed my shirt and I had let her. I had no memory of her kissing my shoulder and comforting me until I settled back into a deep sleep.
I left a note for Sabra,
“Sabra,
Mo and I have some things we need to do today. We will be back late tonight. Make yourself at home and I’ll see you later. “
I left the note on the fridge and Mo and I were off to prepare my truck for some genuine Texas style justice.
Chapter 12
We went back to Mo’s place and pulled off my factory bumper. I had throw things off by staying my lazy ass in bed till noon. Mo had found some pieces of railroad track and welded it all together to make one bad assed grill protector/ bumper for my truck.
We still had plenty of time to get everything put back together and head to our first observation point. I wanted to watch Rudy for a few days. I was stalking my prey.
We pull in a space in the lot across from Rudy’s job at 4 pm. He was driving a fine canary yellow 68 Dodge Charger. It is funny but I felt worse about wrecking that car than I did its owner.
As we sat and waited for Rudy to get off work we went over the plan for Friday night.
“He will probably go to Tiffanies’ to shower and change. We should just go to the bar and wait for him to show up.” Mo looked at me with a frown. “What if he doesn’t go to the bar we think he is going to?”
I glanced at her and said, “Well we will just stick with him like glue. Then it won’t matter which one he goes to will it?” I could tell she thought me daft.
“Jo, we mapped out this whole plan based on his route home from that bar. If he doesn’t go there we will have to change our plan. Do not you think it is far too risky?”
I thought about that for a long moment before answering. “Ok, so we will leave it to fate. If he does go where we think he will we will go through with it as planned. If not we will just scrap the whole thing and start over.” I looked at my friends’ weary face and could tell she thought I was stupid.
We were sitting there not speaking when an Adams County Sheriff unit pulled into the shop across the street. We slid down in our seats as two large uniformed men got out and went inside. It was a half hour till closing time. When they came out again they had our prey in handcuffs. I looked at Mo whose jaw had fallen.
“What the hell?” Mo just watched as the Sheriffs car pulled out taking Rudy with them. She waited a full minute before replying. “Jo you know I believe in karma right? Well I think Rudy just had big ol helping of it!”
I could not believe what I had just seen. Questions were flying through my head. Did he commit some other crime and that was why he just got busted, old traffic tickets perhaps?
All I knew for sure is that I am pissed I will not get my chance to give that bastard his just deserts. I heard Mo through a fog of anger. “Come on Jo, there’s nothing to do but go home.”
All the way back to Mo’s place my mind was buzzing with questions. I hoped that whatever he got arrested for it kept him off the street for a good long time. I knew that Sabra had refused to press charges against him. I wish she would because I knew it would help to empower her and start to heal the emotional issue that comes with having been beaten by someone. I hadn’t pushed her on it because I knew she did not want to have to go to court to testify against him.
Mo pulled me from my thoughts, “Look Jo, I know you feel like you need to pay this asshole back for what he did to Sabra.” She looked at me closely despite the frown that appeared on my brow, she continued, “This guy will get what’s coming to him! Maybe it won’t come from you, but it will come.” She paused and grabbed my hand. She looked at me, her eyes begging me.
She was trying to convince me to let all this go. She did not know it but I am tired of the whole
deal and had already made up my mind to scrap our plan.
I gave my best friend a sidelong glance and smiled at her. “Alright Mo, As long as this fucker stays away from Sabra I’m done!” I could see her relax from head to toe. “Oh Thank Jesus!” She exclaimed with great relief.
“Hey maybe he got arrested for something bad and will go away for a good long time.”
I smiled at my friend and with a sigh; I turned the truck for home.
What neither of us knew, what neither of us could have known is that Sabra has woken up early. She had sat with a cup of coffee and had begun to go through the plastic bags containing her belongings. We had no way of knowing that Sabra had noticed her small picture album missing. The only pictures she owned of her mother. If I had only known that she had called Tiffany and demanded to come over early and pick it up after Rudy had left for work. We could have stopped her.
Chapter 13
It was half past five when I dropped Mo off at her house and went on home. She had made me promise to give her a call later.
Sabra still wasn’t home went I got there. I wondered where she was. Her note had said she would be back soon.
It was just past 6:00 pm and I was beginning to worry. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and plopped down on the sofa.
I sat there thinking about the last few days and wondering what to do now that we had scrapped our plan for revenge.
I thought briefly about why they had arrested Rudy. If it were just for traffic tickets or something minor, he would be right back out on the streets. Mo had repeatedly voice her doubts about this plan I had developed. I knew she did not want to go through it all again. When we were kids none of us had the maturity to stop and think about it. We just acted on instinct. Now we are older and supposedly wiser. I sat there and thought of what my therapist would say. What would she think if I told her about all the things that had happened in my world over the last few days?
I am startled out of my reverie by the phone suddenly screaming loudly in the quite room. I look at it like it was an alien with big sharp teeth. I glanced at the clock. I had been sitting there for hours. It was just past ten. I picked up the receiver and heard my friend Mo on the other end. All she said at first was my name. I knew something was wrong. I could hear it in my friends’ voice. “What’s the matter Mo?” I could feel fear bubbling up light lava in my throat. My ears were ringing and I felt sick when all she said was, “Turn on the news”. I said nothing and did as I was asked.
I flipped to the local news and saw the reporter at Tiffanies’ apartment. There were cops everywhere. An ambulance waited close by and worse yet a crime scene investigators truck and the medical examiners meat wagon.
I went cold all over as my brain began a slow chant of “No no no no NOOO!” My friends’ voice was dim on the receiver because I had dropped it to the floor. I heard the reporter state in her cold reporter voice, “One woman is dead tonight in what appears to have been a domestic dispute. We have few details at this time all we know is police have a man is in custody. I do not remember screaming only the cold dark world closing in on my vision as I passed out.
I came to with Mo gently cradling my head where I lay on the floor. It took me a moment to figure out what happened. I sat up and looked at Mo’s haggard face. I finally found my voice and asked, “Is she dead Mo? Is Sabra dead?”
She helped me up and sat me back on the couch. Sitting beside me she said, “The news said police responded to a domestic dispute early this morning and one woman found dead. The news said they have a suspect in custody. The police aren’t releasing any names yet”. “It might not be her Jo. It is a big complex, maybe It is someone else.”
I buried my face in my hand and cried because I knew it was Sabra. Mo pulled me to her and in an uncharacteristic act she put her arms around me and let me cry.
When I finally stopped crying I hugged my friend and sat up. “We have to call the police Mo! We have to find out what happened. It is almost eleven and Sabra said she would be back soon in the note she left. It is her.”
Mo lowered her eyes and said gently, “I do not think the cops will give you any info Jo. Even If you tell them what you know about Sabra.” Then she asked, “Did she give you any info about her parents or anyone we could call?”
I got up and went to fetch the two garbage bags of Sabras’ belongings. Maybe something in them would help.
“She only has her father I think. I do not think they were on speaking terms.”
I dumped both bags and Mo helped me go through the contents. There was nothing in them we could get any family info, just clothes and a couple of pay stubs. It suddenly occurred that we could call the police and ask them if they have a Rudy in custody. Maybe they would tell us what he got arrested for.
As Mo went about putting Sabras’ belongings back in the bags, I grabbed the phone and dialed 911.
“911 what is your emergency?”
“Yes ma’am, can you please tell me if you have a guy named Rudy in custody?”
An exasperated woman said tensely,
“You will have to call over to the jail.”
I asked in a saccharine sweet voice, “Do you have that number please?”
The operator begrudgingly gave me the number and hung up on me.
“Bitch” I growled under my breath.
I was trying to dial the number when my friend took the phone from my hand.
She knew I had issues with authority figures. I sat down knowing she was doing the right thing.
“Yes Sir, Can you tell me if you have a guy named Rudy in custody?” She asked respectfully.
“Well no I do not have a last name. I’m barely an acquaintance but I did help a woman get her belongings after he beat the hell out of her”. Then, “Alright can you tell us why he was arrested?”
Mo listened for a long moment scribbling another number before repeating then said, “Ok well thank you for your help”
She slowly put the receiver down and without raising her eyes said; “Its Rudy” but they won’t say what he is in for.
I fell to my knees and began to rant, “Oh dear GOD what have I done! I should have been paying attention to Sabra. I should have been with her to help her. I just had to go off plotting revenge. Revenge for someone I barely fucking knew! Why did not I just stay with her?” “What in the FUCK is wrong with me?”
Mo broke into myself assault saying, “Jo! Get a hold of yourself!” We do not know what happened yet. The guy at the jail said we needed to call the detectives around 8 a.m. to tell them what we know. Maybe they will give us some info then. Ok? “
I looked at her like she was crazy, “IN THE MORNING!” I screamed, “There is no fucking way I can wait until morning!”
Mo came over and grabbed my arm lifting me and making me sit of the couch. “Look Jo, nothing can be done tonight so let’s just stay calm and not panic. Ok?”
She went and got us a couple of beers from the fridge. I heard her popping the tops but I what I did not see was her crushing two of her anxiety pills up and putting it in my beer.
When she returned and handed me the beer I drank it down in three long draws.
She took my empty and brought back another which I drank more slowly. Mo sat with me quietly. I began to feel woozy and suddenly I knew she had roofied me. I looked at her and she knew I knew. I drained my beer and lay on her lap where I passed out for the rest of the night.
Chapter 14
I am in Xanex induced dream, changing to nightmare and back to a dream over and over. All the events of the last few days swirled. The “what could have been” danced with the realities in a sick dance in my mind.
Sabra was there kissing me and telling me everything is alright. But dream Sabra was lying. The real Sabra was dead lying on a cold slab at the medical examiner’s office. I saw the tag tied to her blue toe in this nightmare sequence. I tried to remove the sheet covering her cold lifeless body. I could not grasp it. It ran through my hands. I tried to turn the
toe tag so I could read it. Same result, it ran like air through my hands.
In the next dream sequence Sabra and I were in a tent somewhere. We were in a sleeping bag naked, snuggling and happy. Then the nightmare wanted its turn.
I flew through my dream to Tiffanies’ apartment where I was like a ghost. I was watching as Sabra knocked on the door. I tried to scream at her to turn around and run. No matter how hard I screamed, she could not hear me.
I watched as that bitch opened the door and let Sabra in. I watched in horror as Rudy came in a few minutes later and began to stab Sabra repeatedly in the stomach chest and arms as she tried to defend herself. Tiffany was in the corner laughing maniacally. I tried to stop him but could not, my hands passing through him like smoke.
Then we were in the tent again and I am making love to her. I feel happy and content afterwards, holding her in my arms. Something was dragging me away from this warm happy sequence fighting and scratching. I did not want to go. I did not want to see anymore.
As I screamed and struck out my fist struck something real with a painful thud. I had hit the wall and woke myself up.
I tried to sit up but someone was holding me. I slapped at the lamp on the bedside table until it came on. I turned to see Sabra was holding me and my heart stopped.
It was Sabra! She was smiling at me. I stared long and hard at her to make sure she was real. My friend Mo had heard me scream and was standing in my bedroom doorway with a huge grin on her face. Then her smiled faded as she said, “It was Tiffany”
I looked at Sabra and all she did was nod her head. Mo continued, Sabra went early this morning and retrieved her photo album after Rudy went to work. Then Sabra took over. “I was just there long enough to knock on the door and take the album out of Tiffanies’ hand when she answered the door. I left and as I was walking through the parking lot I saw Rudy and he saw me. I took off running but he did not chase me. He went into the apartment and started beating Tiffany because he thought she was fucking around with me again.” She began to cry and shake. “He choked her to death Jo” I could not believe my ears. I saw him get into his car and tear out of there like his ass was on fire. I waited a full hour to make sure he wasn’t coming back then I went back to the apartment only to find the door locked. I went to the store on the corner and called the cops. I’ve been at the precinct answering questions. They released me around midnight and I came straight here.
