by DeSalvo, Kim
Incidental Happenstance
by Kim DeSalvo
Copyright © 2012 Kim DeSalvo
All rights reserved.
For Brian, who may never know how much he inspires me…
Prologue
Tia Hastings stared blankly at the sea of faces that swam in and out of focus before her. The vast majority were familiar, but the expressions they wore twisted and contorted their faces into alien landscapes that made her want to turn away and avoid all contact. They wanted to comfort her, she knew, but there was nothing they could possibly do or say that would bring her the slightest bit of relief from the hell into which she’d been thrust.
On her right stood her parents, doing their best to hold everyone together and keep the parade of people moving. They forced tight smiles for each mourner, and responded to their condolences when it was all Tia could do to nod her head in acknowledgement. Her mom reassured her every few minutes with a slight touch, a soft pat on the back, or a supportive hand under her elbow. At her left, Paddy and Siobhan, whom she’d called Mom and Dad for the past five years, tried bravely to maintain a stoic dignity. Directly in front of her, on the couch that sagged sadly from the constant weight of despair, sat Lexi Summers. She’d been Tia’s constant best friend since their awkward teen years, and had been the glue for Tia this past week—it was Lexi who’d stayed at her house and gotten her out of bed each morning, forcing coffee and cereal into her and making her get dressed as if she were a normal person. It was Lexi who’d run Tia a bath this morning, and who’d brushed out her tangled mass of dark hair while she sat unknowing, uncaring. Tia would have been more than willing to pull the shades on the world and never leave her bed, but Lexi forced her to go through the motions. She now sat with a box of tissues, dabbing often at her own eyes, but also making sure that the five of them had a constant fresh supply. She forced bottles of water on them as well, and made sure they were at least choking down enough food to sustain them.
But as much as Tia didn’t want to confront the looks of pity and well-intentioned but empty words of sympathy, she couldn’t turn around. Behind her, her future lay crushed—literally and figuratively—in a mahogany box. And as bad as it was to stand there and hear the same monotonous whispers of “I’m so sorry” from person after person, she knew that the coming weeks and months would be even worse. Everyone here would go back to their lives; this day a momentary sad distraction for most; and she would be expected to go on as well. However, seeing that her life would be under six feet of earth and concrete by this time tomorrow, she didn’t see a way that she could. All of her plans for the future involved Nick, and never once, in the past five years, did she even entertain the idea of a life without him. Now, either fate or coincidence had taken that from her. She couldn’t even begin to imagine getting out of bed tomorrow, much less moving forward with a life that no longer had meaning.
As had happened several times already, the finality of it all—the weight of it all—pushed down on her like a physical entity. Tia’s knees buckled and she felt herself begin to sink. Her mom and Siobhan were beside her instantly, and Lexi leaped up to guide her out of the room and into a quiet alcove where they sank into an oversized sofa as Lexi wrapped her arms tightly around Tia.
“I can’t do it Lex, I just can’t,” Tia croaked as a fresh river of tears cascaded down her face. “I don’t know how I can go on without him.”
Chapter 1
“Last Stop? You’re kidding, right? That’s where you decided to go? There have to be at least a dozen places you could go in this city—why in God’s name would you pick that dump?”
“Why not? It’s as good a place as any,” Tia answered, trying her best to sound casual and confident. Going out for a couple beers on a Friday night wouldn’t normally be a big deal, but for Tia, on this night, it was big. It was huge. And although she’d already committed her mind, her body was having second thoughts—a flock of butterflies had settled in the pit of her stomach, and their numbers seemed to be growing exponentially as the clock ticked away the minutes. She flopped onto the couch and plucked a cracker from her plate, added a hunk of cheese, and took a bite. There was no way she could force a meal into the fluttering mass that was her stomach, but she knew that she had to eat something. “Besides,” she continued, “I can be anonymous there. I don’t think there’s any chance of running into anyone I know.”
“Oh Tia,” Lexi moaned. “You really shouldn’t be alone tonight. I should just come with you.” She paused for a heartbeat before her voice came back strong. “I’m coming with you. I’m still at work, but give me an hour and I’ll…”
“That’s sweet, Lex, really,” Tia interrupted, “but you have that fancy lawyer dinner tonight…”
“I could cancel,” she interjected. “You might need me more than Ryan does tonight.”
“I appreciate that, but tonight’s way too important to Ryan. If he wants to make partner, he has to go to these functions—you’ve said that at least a hundred times. And if you’re going to be the supportive wife, you need to go too. Plus, it’s about time the two of you get to be a couple without me hanging around.”
“We love having you around, hon, you know that.” Lexi’s voice softened. “You know I love you, Tia, and I’d cancel in a second if you needed me. Believe me, there’ll be plenty more of these dinners in my future—Ryan would understand if I missed one. I just don’t want to think about you being all alone, especially in that place…oh, it gives me goose bumps!” Her voice dropped to a near whisper. “Why don’t you just go to the memorial instead? At least if you were going to Paddy’s I’d know you were with other people who loved you. You know I’m going to worry about you all night if you’re going to insist on going to the armpit of the city.”
Tia grabbed another cracker. Regardless of how she was feeling about tonight, she was determined to put up a strong front for her best friend. “Aren’t you being a little overdramatic?” she asked through a mouthful of crumbs. “The armpit?”
“Yuh huh,” Lexi continued. “Have you ever even been by the place? All the guys there have dirt under their fingernails and probably ninety percent of them have shotguns in the back windows of their pickup trucks.” Her voice leveled, got serious. “Listen, Tia. The guys there—the people there—are on a different rung of the social ladder than you and me. They’re also on a different rung of the class ladder, the educational ladder, the economic ladder…”
“That’s hardly the point, Lex…I’m on a different rung of your economic ladder too, remember? That doesn’t mean anything to me and you know it. Actually, that’s what makes it an easier place to go—I don’t have to pretend to be anything or anyone—I can just sit back and observe. Plus, seeing as I’m not planning on holding any hands or getting into any pickup trucks, I think I’ll be pretty safe. It’s a public place.”
Lexi grunted. “Public place doesn’t necessarily mean safe place, Tia,” she said. “That kind of joint can get pretty rough sometimes. It’s a whole other world, sister, and some of the guys that hang out at places like that can be shady characters. When I think about you going there alone—let’s just say that scenes from bad horror movies keep flashing through my head, and I can’t get them out. Plus, you’ve been off the market for a long time now,” she added. “It’s been a long time since you’ve had any…male attention. It might be hard to...” her voice trailed off.
Tia sighed. “Give me a little credit, Lex. It’s not like I’m going to throw myself at the first piece of meat I see just because I’ve been lacking in the sex department.”
“It’s not about giving you credit—I know you have impeccable taste in men and good sense. It’s just that the libido is a carnal instinct, not a case o
f mind over matter. Your depression turned off your natural instincts, and now that you’ve decided to start living again, it’s going to start rearing its head, maybe at the most unlikely times.” Tia tried to interrupt, but she continued. “I’m not saying you’re going to jump in bed with the first guy you see—of course not. I’m just saying that you might not have as much control over it as you think you do.”
“Oh God, that’s the last thing on my mind, believe me. I’ll say it again—I’m not looking to meet someone—quite the opposite, actually. I’m not even planning on talking to anyone. I’ll probably be in and out. An hour or two, a beer or two, a little people watching, then I can call it a successful night and head home.” She drew in a deep breath and let out another long sigh. “And to answer your other question…no. I really don’t think I can do the memorial. As much as I love Paddy and Siobhan, and Sean and the rest of them—I just don’t know if I can do it. This past year has been a long, hard road, and I’m finally at the point where I think I can get on my own two feet again. Being there—I don’t know,” she whined, trying to put her feelings into words. “I’m just afraid that it’s going to bring all the old sad memories rushing back and that I’m going to lose the positivity I’ve worked so hard for. I have to move forward.”
“Positivity? Is that even a word?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said defensively. “That’s hardly the point.”
“Then what is the point, Tia? I’m still not sure I really get why you feel like you have to ‘put yourself out there.’ You have lots of friends who love and support you, who will help you ‘find yourself’ again if you need them to—and for the record—I don’t think you’re as lost as you think you are. You’re just too damned stubborn and analytical to believe that things’ll just work themselves out in time. I know it’s been a year, but there isn’t a magical formula for grief, you know. There isn’t a timetable that you can follow—you just have to take it day by day.”
“I do know that Lex, but three hundred sixty five days have already passed me by, and I’ve neglected most of my friends the entire time. Shit, if it wasn’t for you and Mom, I probably wouldn’t have even left the house except to go to work. And if I’ve learned anything during my year of seclusion, it’s that life is short and I’ve wasted too much of it already. I can almost hear Nick screaming at me to suck it up and get over myself, you know?”
Lexi’s voice went soft around the edges. “Yeah, honey, I know. But that doesn’t mean that you have to go out to strange places all alone to do it. Besides, we’re going to the concert tomorrow—there’ll be thousands of strangers there. Can’t you wait one more night and find yourself then?”
Despite her strong emotions, Tia laughed. “An InHap concert is completely different than what I’m doing tonight. Tomorrow is going to have its own set of difficulties and I just can’t do it twice.”
“Meaning?”
“Well, obviously the music is going to bring back a lot of memories, and I won’t be able to stop thinking about Nick. That’s part of the reason I’m skipping the memorial. I can’t imagine two nights in a row of being bombarded with reminders of everything I’ve lost.”
Lexi sounded worried. “I’m telling you right now, you are NOT bailing on me for that concert, young lady, even if I have to drag you bodily—and don’t test me, ‘cause you know I will.”
“I don’t doubt that for a second,” Tia smiled, “and you know I wouldn’t want you any other way. It’ll be a great show, as always, and I’m determined to enjoy every minute of it—I will enjoy every minute of it. But for tonight I need noise, and people, and anonymity.”
Lexi groaned into the phone. “There’ll be noise and people at Paddy’s. People who know you and love you, Tia, not like in a smoky barroom full of strangers.”
“I understand why you’re worried; I do. But really—all I plan to do is find a little spot in the corner of the bar and do some people watching. I just need to be part of a crowd and soak up some of the energy. It’s been so long since I’ve been a single girl in a bar—a single girl anywhere—and I don’t even know what they do anymore. It’s hard to imagine it right now, but I’m going to need those skills eventually, and it’s been six freaking years since I’ve needed them. Tonight’s going to be a little training course, that’s all. So you and Ryan go to your fancy dinner, enjoy a night together as a couple, and have a great time without your constant third wheel tagging along.”
“You’re never a third wheel, Tia. Don’t ever think that. Ryan loves you too, you know.”
“I do know, and you know that I love you both back. You’ve been my rocks this past year, and I could never thank you enough.”
“Jace has been there a lot too, you know.”
Tia snickered. “Yeah, like he’s not sick and tired of having to babysit me.”
“I really don’t think it’s much of an imposition for him at all. I think he likes you.”
Tia laughed and let the comment roll off her back. “Not likely. He just feels sorry for me, like everyone else at the Club does. I can feel their pitiful eyes on me all the time and it’s getting really old.” She curled her legs under her and massaged her temples. “Look. For the past year I’ve done nothing for myself except to drown in self-pity, and it’s way past time to knock it the hell off. I have to discover who I am now; just me.”
“Oh, all right,” Lexi conceded. “I can see I’m not going to talk you out of this. But I want you to call me the minute you get home, understand? I don’t care what time it is, you call me. I’m going to be worrying about you all night.”
“No need to worry,” Tia said confidently, but inside, her nerves were starting to gnaw at her.
“And no picking up any guys unless you carefully inspect their fingernails. And their wallets. Understood? Actually,” she added, “no picking up guys at all. I like that idea better.”
“Yes mother,” Tia groaned sarcastically.
“Hey,” she said. “Not funny. You know I could call your mother and tell her what you’re up to tonight. You know she’d be just as thrilled about it as I am.” It was an empty threat, Tia knew, and when she didn’t respond Lexi said again, “Just promise you’ll call me.”
“I will.”
“And consider going to the memorial. It would mean a lot to Paddy and Siobhan, and I really think you’ll regret it later if you don’t go.”
“I’ll think about it, but no guarantees.”
“Fair enough. And be careful.”
“I will. Love you, Lex.”
“Right back at you, girlfriend.”
Tia tapped the end call button and walked to the sliding glass door that led out to her little deck. Spring had slipped in, and new life was blossoming everywhere. Green once again tinted the stark branches of trees, daffodils and bluebells sprung from the ground, and the birds were starting to sing again. The robins and the hummingbirds were back; and the world around her was being reborn. It was about time that she started living again, too.
She took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then went into her room and sat on the bed, contemplating the significance of the evening. Letting go of the past, starting a new chapter in her life, discovering her own identity—it was a lot to ask from one night at a little hole-in-the-wall pub, but she had to start somewhere. It had been a year since she’d been out in a crowd of strangers and Lexi was right—Last Stop wasn’t her kind of place, but then again, that was the reason she chose it. If she made a fool of herself, or started crying in her beer, she could write it off with her standard vacation mantra that she’d never see these people again, so what did it matter? There was almost no chance she’d run into anyone she knew—and that was the way she wanted it—she just wanted to be a fly on the wall, an anonymous spectator rather than a participant.
She’d be lying to herself if she didn’t admit that a big part of her was terrified at the idea of joining the world again. She readily admitted that getting involved in another relationship at
any time in the near future was more than daunting, it was downright frightening. The thought of starting over with someone new, going through the motions of first kisses, first dates, uncomfortable silences—she shuddered to think about it. Right now there was still a lot of pain associated with Nick, but she was learning to push it back and get on with her life. He would have wanted that for her, she was sure of it.
So get on with it, she thought, getting up to stare into her closet. She pulled out a pair of weathered jeans and a blousy top. Not too form fitting, not too low cut, not too flashy. She grabbed a pair of simple tan pumps with a low heel, and considered her outfit complete.
Sitting down at her vanity, she contemplated her image in the round mirror. It had taken many months, but the dark circles had finally disappeared from her below her eyes. She didn’t cry nearly so much anymore and actually had some good days once in a while. There was her work…God she loved her work…her ten year old students never failed to make her feel loved and she knew she made a real difference in their lives. She had her friends—and good ones at that, especially Lexi, and she was fairly confident that once she got back in touch with the rest of them; the next part of her plan to take back her life; they would forgive her blatant avoidances of the past year. Her parents, although they could sometimes be major pains in the ass, were always there for her and had really helped her through.
What she didn’t have was Nick, and a sense of individual identity. After being one half of their couple for so many years, she just didn’t know how to be without him. That was what she needed to get back, and her most prominent reason for venturing out tonight. She was still young, after all, and couldn’t spend the rest of her life longing for something that would never be, could never be. She had to find out who Tia Hastings really was.
It wasn’t going to happen tonight, but at least it was a start. Getting back in touch with the world, especially the single world, was going to take a concerted effort on her part. She didn’t know if she remembered how to flirt, how to flash a smile that sent a message in the level of the eyes, the toss of the hair, or the tilt of the head. She didn’t know if the old pick-up lines were replaced by new ones, or even if it was still acceptable to refuse a kiss on the first date. What she needed was to get out there and relearn what it was like to be young, single, and ready for whatever the future held.
