Perfect Contradiction

by Peggy Martinez

  Hurrying out of the house, I jumped in my little car and drove out of town, thoughts of the bed-and-breakfast spinning around in my mind as I went. When I got to the doctor’s office, I had to remind myself several times that I wasn’t here to hear any bad news—I was just here to run some simple blood tests and get a physical. I’d never been to the office by myself, and it was more difficult than I thought it would be. I took a deep breath and got out of my car. I could do this.

  The staff all knew me by name, and I really did like every one of them, it was just hard seeing them, knowing I’d been there with Momma so many times when she was sick. The office was a difficult place for me to visit.

  “Jennifer Collins?” I rose from my chair in the waiting room and followed the nurse to the back. She made small talk as she wrote a few notes down and weighed me. I’d gained four pounds since the last time I’d been to see them with Beth almost six weeks ago. She was happy to see me put on a few pounds. I hadn’t even noticed, but I guess my clothes were starting to fit me again. They had started getting a bit loose when my momma died. She took my blood pressure, asked me how I was feeling, and then took a few vials of blood.

  “Here ya go, Jennifer. There’s a bathroom a few doors down. Just leave the cup inside when you’re done, and I’ll meet ya back in this room with the doctor when you’re finished.” I nodded and took my little cup to do my business. When I came back, I sat down in a chair and flipped through Time magazine. After twenty minutes passed, I glanced over at the door. The doctor was usually very prompt. I’d just begun to get concerned when the doctor and the nurse came back into the room.

  “I was just about to go looking for y’all,” I said. The doctor smiled at me and asked me how I’d been since I last saw him. I told him that I was doing well, but I was still battling fatigue since the funeral.

  “Jen, when was the last time you had a cycle?” he asked as he made some notes on my chart.

  “Cycle?” I asked in confusion.

  “Yes, your menstrual cycle, I mean.” I blushed and glanced over at the nurse. She smiled at me in encouragement.

  “Ah, let me think.” I felt like such an idiot. Of course he meant menstrual cycle. I thought for a few seconds, trying to remember my last. So much had happened in the past two months, with my mom being so sick, the funeral, Beth coming home, her engagement, and the wedding. I frowned to myself as I thought. When was the last time I had my period? Then a flash of something lit in my brain. I hadn’t had a period since right after the funeral. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure my period had begun the day after the funeral, and that had been a little over eight weeks ago. I glanced up at the doctor.

  “I’m not sure, but I think it had to have been right after my momma’s funeral,” I answered in a quavering voice. I wondered if I had stressed so much that I’d thrown my cycle off, or maybe something was wrong with me after all. My head felt fuzzy all of a sudden. I reached up to place a hand on my forehead.

  “Whoa there, you okay?” the doctor asked as he sat his clipboard down. I nodded, but he was already kneeling in front of me and handing me a small cup of water the nurse had procured.

  “This could be bad, right?” I asked after taking a sip. I glanced up into the doctor’s eyes. He smiled.

  “Well, that depends on your definition of bad, I guess,” he answered after a slight pause. I looked over at the nurse, and she was smiling as well.

  “What does that mean?” I asked softly.

  “Jen, we’ll need to send off for a blood test to confirm it, but according to the hormone levels in your urine, it is safe to say… you’re pregnant.” The doctor stood slowly, the smile never leaving his face. I blinked at him and then shook my head.

  “I’m sorry, did you say…?”

  “Pregnant. Yes, I did. Probably six weeks or so along, I’d wager. Congratulations.” I smiled at him and sat there while he went through all the things I should do next. He gave me a list of obstetricians he recommended, told me to take it easy, he’d call with the blood test results, and to try out the prenatal vitamin samples he gave me, and so on. I just listened like I was actually paying attention, like my whole world hadn’t been turned upside down.

  I recall walking out to my car with a list of instructions and recommendations in my hand. When I sat in my car and put my seatbelt on, I knew my world had just been tilted on its axis. Still, I just drove home, in shock and disbelief. Pregnant? How could I be pregnant? I’d only been with one guy in the last two years and that was the two times I’d been with Hunter. Two times and we’d used protection. Hunter. What were the odds? My head started thrumming as I drove, and I had a full-blown headache by the time I pulled up to my house.

  When I got inside, I headed straight upstairs to my momma’s bedroom and curled up in her bed, covering my head with the handmade quilt my granny had made. Still, I didn’t cry. I knew I was probably in shock. It would have probably been better if I had cried. Instead, I laid there for the rest of the day until night fell. And when night finally came, I took a shower and then crawled back into bed and… slept.

  The phone was ringing again. I wondered idly how many times it had rang since that morning. Sighing, I rolled out of my bed. It was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and really think about what I was going to do. I hadn’t eaten in a while, and now I had… a life inside of me to worry about. I placed a hand flat on my stomach. For the first time since I came home the day before… tears threatened. A hot shower and food were in order. As I washed my hair, the only thing I could think was how I didn’t even know if coffee was bad for a pregnant woman. After that, the tears started flowing and I was powerless to stop them. I would’ve given anything for my momma’s reassuring embrace right about then. Twenty minutes later, I wrapped myself in a large towel and trudged back into my bedroom. I pulled my most worn and comfortable maxi dress and cardigan out of my closet and slipped it on. After I combed all the tangles out of my hair, I walked slowly down the stairs to my kitchen.

  I made myself a plate of leftover food from the wedding and slipped on an old pair of glasses as I sat down at the kitchen table to read over all the info the doctor gave me. There was no way I was putting my contacts in as red and swollen as my eyes were. A baby. I wasn’t even in a relationship, and I was going to have a baby. I had no source of income, and I was going to be a momma. Dear lord, what was everyone going to say? I groaned and stared at the papers. What were my options? Should I tell Hunter? Should I consider adoption? So many questions. I didn’t know anything, and what if I’d hurt the baby taking medicine I shouldn’t have? Or drinking the champagne the day before yesterday at the wedding? My hand flew to my midsection, and I jumped out of my seat to grab the phone off the wall. I dialed the obstetrician’s number and all but hyperventilated by the time someone picked up.

  “I just found out I’m pregnant, and I had champagne two days ago. Will that harm the baby?” I blurted. The receptionist on the other end asked me to calm down and give her some of my info. Before I knew it, I had an appointment for the next week and I was reassured that a little alcohol had never been proven to hurt a baby in utero. When I got off the phone, I was feeling a little less panicky, at least as far as harming the baby was concerned. I had so many decisions to make, and I knew none of them were going to be easy. A knock on the front door brought me out of my thoughts.

  Pulling back the curtain sheers, I glanced out the window and found Hunter Wright standing on my porch, a hand running through his hair in agitation. I took a deep breath and ran a hand over the skirt of my dress before opening the door.

  “Hunter, what can I do for you?” I asked, my heart pounding too loudly in my ears. His eyes widened, and I cursed myself for not realizing how I must look.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked as he pushed into the house. I stepped back with a sigh and stared at a spot over his shoulder.

  “Nothing. Everything’s okay,” I answered.

  “Like hell it is,” he snapped. “Beth said
she’s been calling you all morning to let you know they made it okay like she promised she would, and she said you weren’t answering. She got worried because you always answer.” He put a finger on my chin and turned my face until I had no choice but to look at him. “Why have you been crying, sweetheart?” he murmured. I pulled my chin out of his grasp and breathed in deeply.

  “It’s nothing I can’t handle,” I said softly. I wondered if I should tell him. What would he say? Deny it was his? Worse, that he’d want to marry me because of the baby. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I trapped him to me because of our baby. He was just the kind of man who would do something like that too. We might not have worked out as a couple, but he’d be a good daddy to his kid. A stupid tear escaped the corner of my eye, and I wiped it away furiously.

  “Jen, talk to me. Tell me what it is you need.” The way he looked at me nearly melted me. It made me want to throw myself into his arms like I had not so very long ago and let him share my burdens. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to,” he said gently. “I wish I had a redo button so I could make it right between us.” I nodded and stepped back out of arm’s reach. He dropped his arm back to his side with his hand clenched into a fist.

  “I never should’ve run,” he muttered. I frowned in confusion before shaking my head and stepping toward the door.

  “I’ll call Beth right now,” I said, trying to summon a smile. “And, ya know, if you’d like to help me, perhaps you could recommend a handyman. Someone who can help me do a little remodeling in the house. I’m going to open up a business, and I’ll have a lot of work to do,” I said, proud of how steady I sounded.

  “A business?” he asked.

  “A bed-and-breakfast.” I watched him as he looked around the house, and then turned back to look at me with a small smile.

  “Yeah, I can see it. And with your amazing baking, it’s sure to be a huge success,” he said sincerely.

  “I hope so. I’m going to need the income,” I answered. A little voice of doubt inside kept whispering how I’d never make it work. How was I going to open a brand-new business all on my own while I was pregnant? And what if I kept the baby? How would I be able to take care of it and run a business at the same time? Just the day before, I’d been only concerned about myself and what I was going to with the rest of my life and suddenly, I was responsible for another life, another tiny, helpless human. Someone who’d have to depend upon me for everything.

  “Well, if you’re sure you’re alright, I’ll make some calls for you and get back to you later today, if that’s okay?” I glanced up at Hunter, but I didn’t really see him. My mind was off in too many different directions.

  “Sounds good,” I managed. I shut the door behind Hunter after he left. I had no idea if he’d said anything else; I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the need to go out to my garden, my little sanctuary, the little place I went to when I wanted to feel closer to God and closer to my momma.

  The moment I stepped outside and felt the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face I could breathe just a little easier. I walked slowly through my garden until I came to the huge, old oak tree where a wooden swing still hung from its ancient branches. Sitting down, I pushed myself back and forth gently as I thought. Another breeze rustled the leaves of the ancient tree above my head. I craned my neck back until I was looking up into the branches of the oak where spots of blue sky and white, fluffy clouds peeked through. Letting my eyes fall shut with my face still to the heavens, I spoke softly.

  “Lord, I know I have no right to even ask anything of you right now. I know this… situation isn’t ideal, and it wasn’t exactly planned or asked for. But, I also know that sometimes good can come from our mess-ups, and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this baby isn’t a mistake. I ain’t gonna lie and pretend I know what to do or how I’m going to make this work, but if you’ll just help me out a little down here, I promise I’ll give it my all. I guess I just wanted to let you know I’m still in shock and still processing all of this, but I’m going to deal and I’d much rather deal knowing you’re watching out for me. My momma didn’t raise no quitter, and she sure didn’t raise me to wallow in self-pity when the going got tough. So, please kiss my momma for me, tell her she’s going to be a grandma, and that I’m gonna do my darndest to make her proud.”

  I let my head drop forward as I opened my eyes. I wasn’t sure how long I swung outside under that old tree, but when I went back inside later, my heart and my spirit were lighter. Now all I had to do was make those words truth. It was time for me to face the music and adjust my plans.

  I was going to have a baby.

  A week later, I sat at my kitchen table after my doctor’s appointment. I stared down at the picture the nurse had given me at my doctor’s office. It was just a little blob, but I couldn’t help but gaze at it in absolute awe. It was real… my own mini blob was now growing inside of me. Mini Blob, who was half me and half Hunter, had already stolen my heart. I popped a prenatal vitamin out of one of the five sample packages the doctor had given me and swallowed it down with a cool glass of iced tea. I stuck four of the packs deep into a drawer in the kitchen, and then put one pack inside of my purse. I was going to have to remember to take one every morning.

  “Well, looks like it’s just me and you kid,” I muttered to Mini Blob. I tucked the picture inside of my purse with the pills and went upstairs to get ready to meet the contractor coming over in the next half hour. Dressed in a long, jean skirt and a striped, boat-neck shirt, I bounded down the stairs when the doorbell rang. I stopped long enough to make sure my hair was all contained in the claw I’d secured it with on the back of my head. Confident I looked halfway put together, I went to answer the door. When I swung it open, my mouth fell open in shock.

  “Surprise!” Beth shouted over the voices on my front porch. I stood there, unable to understand what was going on. Beth laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You might wanna close your mouth,” she whispered in my ear.

  “I thought you guys weren’t due back until tonight,” I said breathlessly. Beth shrugged.

  “We didn’t want to have to drive back from the airport at night, so we moved our flight up a bit.” She smiled again and chuckled under her breath. “The look on your face was worth it,” she said, suppressing a smirk. It wasn’t easy for her.

  “I’m so sorry, y’all. Please, come in. My manners disappeared there for a sec.” I waved Matt, Hunter, and Mr. and Mrs. Wright in. “I was expecting someone else, or I wouldn’t have stared like an idiot for so long,” I said by way of explanation. Mrs. Wright walked over and air kissed my cheek.

  “My dear, there’s no way anyone in their right mind would think you were an idiot,” Mrs. Wright said with a smile. I glanced over and realized the guys were all carrying casserole dishes. What in the world?

  Mrs. Wright tutted beneath her breath. “I can also see by the look on your face that my son wasn’t exactly truthful with us when he said you knew we’d be coming.” Her glare at her youngest son was the kind that would have made a lesser man shrink back, but Hunter just grinned hugely and winked at his momma.

  “Now, Momma, I said she knew she was going to have company and that she’d be meeting with a contractor,” he explained. “I just didn’t mention she didn’t know we were the company and the contractors.” He shrugged. My mouth fell open. Son of a… I couldn’t let this happen. I felt panic rising inside of me. Spend weeks on end with Hunter and his family in my house, all the time, while being knocked up with his baby? Impossible. I tamped down my horror and called on my years of deep-rooted southern hospitality, pasting a smile on my face.

  “Let’s get these dishes to the kitchen, and I’ll make y’all some drinks.” Hunter flinched, and Beth frowned. Maybe I needed to work on my acting skills. I led the group to the kitchen, helping Beth and Mrs. Wright set out all the food on the counter and put the banana pudding away in the fridge.
The guys went to take a look around the house while we set up lunch and drinks.

  “I’m sorry about this, hun. If I’d known that boy wasn’t being straight with me, I’d never have let him do something so boneheaded,” Mrs. Wright said with a shake of her head.

  I took a breath and smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m glad to have y’all here. Really.” My smile was genuine this time, and Mrs. Wright smiled back. It wasn’t her fault, and I really enjoyed the company of the Wright family. No, Hunter was to blame and he was going to get a piece of my mind as soon as I could get him alone.

  “So, how did your doctor’s visit go?” Beth asked over her shoulder. My eyes widened, and I nearly dropped the ice trays I was taking out of the freezer.

  “My doctor visit?” I squeaked. Beth caught my gaze and then rolled her eyes.

  “Did you think for a second I didn’t know you were going to see your doctor as soon as I went on my honeymoon?” she asked as she unwrapped a dish of steaming mashed potatoes. Right… my regular appointment. I cracked the ice trays and started filling glasses.

  “It was fine. I told ya it was going to be nothing to worry about.” Smiling, I turned to face the glasses I was filling. I hated lying to her, but skirtin’ the truth was unavoidable. I was a horrible liar, though, and even worse at keeping secrets from my best friend. I was going to have to tell her soon. I just needed to figure out how to do it… and how to keep her from telling Hunter. I sighed and both Beth and Mrs. Wright glanced at me, their brows both quirking up in concern. Dagnabbit! I bit my lip and started pouring the sweet tea.

  When we were all seated around the picnic table in my backyard, Pastor Wright gave thanks and then we all passed around the food dishes. Piling potatoes and fresh salad on my plate, I took a roll. When the BBQ rib platter came around, I nearly ran from the table. How awful was it that my absolute favorite food now turned my stomach? Instead, I tried not to breathe in as I quickly passed the plate to my right. Beth’s mouth dropped open. She knew how I felt about BBQ. I could put it away like a dude on my worst days and out-eat most guys on my best.