Perfect Contradiction

by Peggy Martinez

  “Jen, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. Concern radiated from his body. All I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms, tell him everything, and ask him to make it all better. Instead, I tightened my grip on my waist and shook my head.

  “That’s a load of crap, Jennifer Collins. I know something is wrong. I’ve never seen you so emotional. You’re upset about something,” he insisted.

  I laughed, but the sound came out brittle. It wasn’t a happy sound. “It’s nothing I can’t handle, Hunter,” I said after a moment.

  “Let me help you. Talk to me, sweetheart,” he murmured, his hands coming up to caress my arms.

  I flinched and pulled away quickly. I knew the instant I did it that I’d hurt him. “I want you to leave,” I said softly as I stared at my feet.

  “Jen… you don’t mean that,” he said roughly, his voice letting me know he couldn’t believe what I’d just said.

  I swallowed and took a deep breath before meeting his hurt gaze. “I do. I need you to leave, Hunter. I can’t have you here.” My voice sounded more assured than I felt. It sounded steady even though my heart was cracking on the inside.

  He reached out a hand. “Jen, please.”

  I moved back a step and stiffened my back even though that single word please nearly undid me. “I’m sorry, Hunter. I can’t. It hurts too much, and this is the way it has to be for now.”

  He stared at me for so long I thought he meant to protest again, but something even worse happened. Taking a step back, his eyes suddenly went cold and distant. He nodded once before turning on his heel and leaving me alone behind the old oak tree.

  As soon as I heard the back porch door shut behind him, I sank down to the soft grass and cried. When I made my way back to the house a long while later, everyone was gone for the evening… everyone except for Beth.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  I walked over and sat down next to her at the kitchen table. “I told Hunter I didn’t want him to come to the house anymore,” I answered. Beth raised her brow, but she didn’t seem shocked.

  “I kind of figured. He lit out of here in some kind of a hurry with an impressive scowl on his forehead.”

  I groaned. “The Wrights are going to hate me,” I said. Beth laughed as she handed me a tall glass of lemonade she must have finished for me.

  “What?” I asked before taking a long drink.

  “Jen, hun, the Wrights love you like a daughter. I guarantee they left here wondering what Hunter had done to you and how they could get him to make it up to you.”

  I shook my head. “I’ve made such a mess of things,” I muttered.

  Beth put a hand over mine on the table. “Don’t fret over this, Jen. It isn’t healthy for the baby, and the baby is top priority right now. Everything else will work itself out. Just you wait and see,” she said with a smile.

  I smiled back. She was right of course. I needed to focus on the baby and getting the inn up and running. I’d worry about everything else—like the Wrights finding out they were going to be grandparents, about Hunter finding out he was going to be a daddy, and about how ill equipped I was to raise a child—after things settled down. This was going to be the easy part. I just had to make sure I told Hunter before anyone else found out. And I had to make sure I did it before I was as big as a house. I just needed a little more time to figure out how to break it to him.

  “I can’t believe you’ll be opening in two weeks,” Beth said as she pulled down the attic stairs. She was right. Weeks had flown by and yet, when I was at home alone at night, thinking about Hunter and the last time we spoke, it seemed to me that time was crawling by intolerably slow. I hadn’t seen him since that afternoon when I’d asked him to leave and even though I knew it was for the best, I still missed him terribly. Not only that, but I was nearly out of my first trimester already, and I still hadn’t gotten up the nerve to tell him about the baby.

  “Earth to Jen.” Beth waved a hand in front of my face. She was already halfway up the attic stairs. “You coming?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Sorry, just wool gatherin’ I guess.” I climbed the stairs behind Beth. She had already begun sneezing. The attic was super dusty. Maybe I’d give it a good spring cleaning when I got a chance. If I ever got a chance.

  “You’ve been doing that a lot lately,” she said over her shoulder as she moved a few boxes out of her way.

  I sighed and shrugged. “I know. I’m sorry,” I answered.

  “No need to be sorry, Jen. I just wish you’d let me in,” she said gently. “I want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s going on in that busy head of yours,” she said, smiling.

  “Mostly how quickly my stomach is expanding and how much longer I’ll be able to keep it a secret,” I confessed, joining her to move a couple of old coats and piles of quilts that had seen better days.

  “You thought any more about how or when you’re going to break it to Hunter?” Beth asked.

  “Are you certain I should tell him at all?” I asked. “I mean, I could move to another state or join the circus.”

  Beth snorted. “Seriously, though, it’s only going to get harder the longer you wait.”

  She was right, but that didn’t make it any easier.

  “I’ll tell him soon. I was thinking of taking a little day trip into St. Louis to do some shopping for the inn in a couple of days. I’ll go by and talk to Hunter then.”

  Beth stopped and looked at me. “Really?” she asked in a surprise.

  I took the last box out of her hand and nodded. We both looked down at what we’d uncovered. I ran a hand along the side of the bassinet that had once been mine and smiled softly.

  “Yeah. It’s time, don’t you think?” I asked.

  Beth nodded. “It is,” she agreed.

  And just like that, I’d made a plan to head to St. Louis to visit Hunter in two days.

  “Well, let’s get this downstairs and cleaned up so we can stow it in your room,” Beth suggested.

  I smiled and got started. Beth knew it was better if I stayed busy. If I thought about it too much, I’d likely change my mind.

  The bassinet cleaned up beautifully. I ran my hand over the carvings in the white wood. The cow jumping over the moon and the dish running away with the spoon. I rocked the bassinet with a large grin on my face.

  “It’s perfect,” Beth said with a happy sigh.

  I nodded and blinked furiously, refusing to let the water works begin again. Pregnancy hormones were hell on my mascara. “I think momma would’ve loved the thought of me using this basinet for the baby,” I said after a moment.

  “She really would have,” Beth agreed.

  “Now it just needs a fresh coat of paint, a new mattress, and a quilt.”

  “It’ll look just like new.” Beth began looking around my newly renovated room. The guys had done a great job. New paint, a new throw rug, and a part of the wall that led into the extra room knocked down, and my room was a lot more spacious… spacious enough to add a bassinet, a chest of drawers, and a rocking chair for the baby. It was perfect. We already had the bassinet and the chest of drawers. All I needed was to find the perfect rocking chair and finishing touches and I’d be somewhat prepared to add a little human into my life.

  Now to tell Hunter.

  “Are you looking for anything in particular, hun?” I turned to the sound of the voice behind me and met the gaze of an elderly lady. Caressing the pink blanket in my hand, I smiled. I couldn’t get the pink, of course, but it had been so pretty, with all kinds of intricate embroidery, that I almost considered it there for a second. I let go of the blanket and turned to the shop owner.

  “I’m looking for a baby blanket. Something neutral for a boy or a girl and some bassinet sheets,” I replied. I glanced around the store again. It had a lot of great things for decent prices. I spotted an old, large basket across the room and perked up.

  “You know, I’m also looking for some things for my new bed-and-breakfast…
.” I said as I started walking. “Maybe I can find some good deals here.” I said it with a questioning voice, hoping the shop owner might be willing to negotiate on some of the prices.

  “Well, you just tell me what you have your eye on and we’ll see what we can do,” the older woman answered with her own knowing smile. I flashed a grin and headed in the direction of the beautiful basket. It would be perfect to display some of my homemade muffins in for the bakery.

  After sitting a few items on the counter, I followed behind the woman to see the baby blankets she said she had. Most of them weren’t exactly what I was looking for. Too fluffy, to girly, or just too new. But then I found a gem. I pulled out the little quilt and held it against my chest as I ran a hand along the edge. A simple edge finished in hand-stitched binding. It wasn’t what I’d originally pictured for the baby, with several colors, including pink, country blue, sea green, and a pale yellow all in different prints, but as soon as I held the quilt in my hand, I knew it had to be mine. It was old, but well taken care of. It had that worn, buttery feeling that quilts tended to get when they’d been loved and used. No stiff, scratchy fabric there. I ran my hand along the stitching once more and sighed. Such love and detail.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” the older lady asked me.

  I smiled at her and nodded. “It’s perfect,” I agreed. I folded the blanket back up, along with the two little bassinet sheets that I’d found. They would match well and were just as soft as the quilt.

  “Is this going to be a gift or are you expecting?” the little lady asked as she began ringing me up at the front counter. I was the only customer in the shop, which was a shame. There should have been people beating on the doors of such an amazing little place. I put a hand on my stomach. I wondered if she could tell. When I raised my head to answer, I found the lady smiling at me as she put the blanket into a bag.

  “No, I can’t tell by your tiny little stomach,” she answered my unasked question. “It’s just you have a little glow about you and the way you touched that blanket… well, I just kind of figured.” I smiled tightly. This wouldn’t do. If I couldn’t hide it from a complete stranger, how much longer did I think I was going to be able to do so in my own hometown? My own very small and nosy hometown.

  The woman in front of me tutted. “Don’t worry about it, Hun. You’ll do great.” She shrugged and put the last of my purchases in the last bag. “And if you mess up something, you’ll figure it out easily enough and make sure you do better the next time. Motherhood is a wonderful experience. Terrifying and wonderful,” she said with a chuckle.

  “Thank you,” I answered after a moment of silence. “I needed to hear that today.”

  She smiled gently. “You’re welcome. Just remember to enjoy everything and to let go of those stupid little things that parents seem to worry themselves over. In the end, children grow quickly and years fly by… don’t waste them fretting over the unimportant things like ruined dresses and fancy preschools and whatever else parents put too much importance on nowadays, when you could be making mud pies and catching fireflies.” She shrugged as I stood there, soaking in everything this wise old woman had to say and I was lucky enough to hear.

  “When it’s all said and done, grownups don’t remember the expensive clothes they wore as children or if their preschool was the best in the state… they remember the mud pies, the camping out in the backyard, and all the little things they did with their family that probably cost no money at all. Enjoy life, cherish your little one, even the pregnancy part. You were given that little miracle for a reason.”

  I sniffled once and blinked quickly, taking the bags she handed out to me to set at my feet so I could pay her. She told me my total, and I frowned. It was a lot less than I’d calculated in my head while I was shopping.

  “You sure you rang everything up, ma’am?” I asked, reaching for my bags.

  “I’m sure,” she said with a smile. “I took a little off for the baby quilt,” she added. I started shaking my head. She’d already given me some price breaks; I didn’t want to rob the poor woman. Before I could open my mouth, she started talking again.

  “Besides, I made that blanket some thirty years ago, so I think I can sell it for as much as I like,” she answered with a smirk. “I’m just happy it is going to be loved by a little one again after all these years.”

  “You don’t have to take anything off. I’d be glad to pay the full price for the quilt… it is worth every penny,” I said softly.

  She looked at me over the top of her bifocals. “Consider it a baby shower gift,” she said with a smile.

  I would have argued more, but I could tell by the set of her jaw that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Two stubborn Missouri women buttin’ heads wasn’t something likely to end well. Plus, I imagined her being able to give away that blanket was somehow as much of a blessing to her as it was to me. I handed over my credit card with a nod.

  “Thank you for… everything,” I said with my bags in hand.

  “Anytime, dear. Anytime.”

  I left the shop with a smile on my face and the perfect quilt for the baby. All the other things I bought there were just an added bonus. From the shop, I went to the printers to pick up my new business cards and brochures. And from there, I ran a few other errands before I had gathered up enough courage to drive to my main destination—to tell Hunter about the baby. I was nervous as all get out as I drove when my cell phone rang, scaring the bejesus out of me.

  “Beth, you nearly made me wet myself,” I accused in the place of my usual greeting.

  “What are you doing?” she asked after she finished laughing at me.

  “Driving. But I was in the middle of some intense focusing when you called.”

  “Uh-huh. And what exactly are you trying to focus on?” she asked.

  “Oh, you know, the usual. The words I’m going to use when I tell Hunter he’s going to be a daddy. The different ways he could react. The different ways I could react to him reactin’.” I groaned. It did sound a little crazy when I actually said it out loud.

  “Uh-huh,” Beth replied. “And you’re sure you want to do this alone? I could be there in a hurry… for moral support,” she offered.

  I smiled. Beth was the best best-friend a girl could ask for. “No. I think I need to do this alone,” I said.

  “Okay, if you’re sure.”

  “I am,” I said. “But thank you for the offer.”

  “No problem. That’s what I’m here for,” Beth said. “By the way, the reason for my call. Matt said that Hunter will be at lunch about the time you get there. He said he usually goes to a small, local place near the office called Hot Diggity Dogs on Fridays, so he should be there.”

  Hot Diggity Dogs, huh? I thought. Guess it was as good of a place as any other to find out you were having a baby.

  “What does Matt think I’m doing in St. Louis?” I asked.

  Beth cleared her throat. “Only the truth… you have some errands to run and then wanted to drop in and surprise Hunter.”

  I felt a twinge of guilt. Now I had Beth keeping things from her new husband. The sooner I told Hunter, the better. “Thanks, Beth,” I said into my phone.

  “No problem. Call me after,” she commanded.

  “Will do. Tell Matt I said hi and thanks.”

  “I will. Now, go get ‘em, momma tiger!”

  I smiled after disconnecting. Momma tiger, indeed.

  I grabbed the small gift bag out of the passenger seat of my car along with my small purse. Standing outside of my car for several minutes, I willed my feet to move forward and take me into the restaurant. If Matt was right, Hunter would just be sitting down to lunch and he’d be there for a good forty or so minutes, giving him plenty of time to process everything I had to tell him. At least, I hoped so. I just couldn’t make myself move. There was this horrible rock of uncertainty sitting in the pit of my stomach. Yes, he told me he loved me several weeks ago and it was before he’d kno
wn anything about the baby, but that didn’t mean he wanted to settle down with me… that he wanted a family. People said they loved each other all the time. Loving someone and being there for them didn’t always go hand in hand and Hunter, despite his declaration of love, had proven that.

  I knew I had to tell him. I knew I didn’t want him hearing from gossips that I was pregnant, but I still had doubts. I was human. I was emotional. I was pregnant, damn it. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, gathering my nerve up for the last time. I was going to do this. No matter what, Hunter deserved to know. It would be a load off my mind no matter what happened. Even if we didn’t end up together, Hunter needed to know he had a child on the way. Well, my mind said that, but my heart felt otherwise. I knew it would kill me to see him with the baby if we weren’t together. But if it wasn’t meant to be, I was sure I would eventually find the strength to move past the hurt that would cause me… for the sake of the baby. I would have to. With a new resolve and purpose, I gripped the gift bag in my hand and made my way to the door of the little restaurant.

  Hot Diggity Dogs was a busy little place. People spoke loudly, ESPN was playing on several flat-screen televisions, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. I stood in line behind two groups that were being seated, stretching up on my tippy toes to see if I could spot Hunter. He had no idea I was coming. Maybe I should have called him ahead of time… met him somewhere more private. So many doubts and thoughts. Finally, back in the corner of the room, sitting at the bar area, I found him. He was drinking a coke and watching the big screen up on the wall. I watched as he held up his arm and glanced at his watch to check the time. I wondered for a second if Matt had told him I was coming after all.

  When his head swung toward the front entrance, just a few feet from where I stood, partially hidden by the last group in front of me, I was sure he was expecting me. I started to raise my hand in greeting, to draw his gaze to me, when he smiled widely and stood up. He wasn’t looking at me. I turned, somewhat in a daze, and watched as a bombshell-gorgeous blonde passed by. My stomach fell just a little, just enough to make me feel queasy. Just enough for prickles of awareness to dance across my scalp. I watched as she strode across the restaurant toward Hunter. She slipped easily into his embrace, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek like she’d done it many times before. When she whispered something into his ear, he laughed, the carefree sound reaching me easily across the rambunctious room of people. He sat down and motioned for the bartender to bring the woman a drink. Her body leaned into his, and it caused the knife in my chest to twist in even deeper.