“Momma’s gonna be so proud!” He beamed.
“Tanner, come inside for a minute. I think we need to talk.”
He glanced at his watch, frowning just a fraction. “Alright.”
Once he was inside, I pulled out the desk chair and offered it to him. He sat, facing me, waiting.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I’m not going with you today.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “You’re not?”
I shook my head. “You shouldn’t be lying to them in the first place – which I know I’m in no place to comment on, since I’ve lied to mine too. They don’t even know I’m here.”
He raised his eyebrows, agreeing.
“But if I go there with you today, you’d be digging yourself in deeper, stacking another lie on top of the others, and eventually you won’t be able to unbury yourself from them.”
Tanner was more quiet than normal, but I pushed on.
“At least with my lies, I know they’ll come to an end. This is one summer of freedom for me. Once my parents are back, all this is over and I’ll come clean.” I paused, waiting to see if he’d respond, but he didn’t. “I’m just delaying the inevitable, but you’re building a mountain of lies. And if I have this much guilt over my lie, I can’t imagine how it must feel for you to hide so much of who you are.”
I’d never seen Tanner this quiet. He sat with his head down, a look of concentration on his face, picking at his nails. After a minute, he stood and left, shutting the door softly behind him without saying a word.
***
I needed to find Sasha.
She wasn’t hard to locate; she was on her usual mat in the gym, bent gracefully at the waist in a deep stretch.
“Hey.”
She glanced up, not interrupting her stretch. “Why aren’t you with Tanner?”
I slid down onto the mat at her feet. I laid flat on my back and drew slow, deliberate breaths.
“What happened?” She straightened up and looked at me.
“I did something really bad.”
“What’d you do? You didn’t cut Dmitri’s trapeze rope, did you?” She smiled.
I shook my head. “I wish.”
“Just tell me.”
“I ditched out on Tanner…and…I kind of gave him a lecture about lying to his parents.”
She chuckled. “That’s rich – coming from you.”
“Yeah. I know. I’m not sure, but I think he’s mad at me.”
“Well no wonder…. First it wasn’t your place. And second, it’s pretty hypocritical.” She abandoned her stretches and turned to face me. “But I doubt he’s mad. Tanner adores you.”
I rolled over onto my stomach, wanting to hide my face.
“It’ll turn out fine.” She patted my back.
After a few minutes, I began to believe her. I sat up and watched her stretch, mimicking her moves on my half of the mat.
“So what’s with you and Gabriel?”
I shrugged. “Who knows.”
“Well if this is more of a temporary thing for you, and you’re planning to take off after this summer, just don’t hurt him, Ari.”
The idea of that seemed insane. I didn’t think he could be hurt. “He’s impossible to figure out.”
“He’s not that hard to figure out. He likes you.”
Against my will, my lips turned up in a smile. “How can you tell he likes me? He pretends I don’t exist.”
“He’s sensitive to people leaving, walking away, especially people he feels a connection to. That’s how I can tell. If he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t act like that toward you.”
“So you’re saying if he didn’t like me, he’d have no problem hanging out with me?”
“Exactly.”
“That makes no sense.”
“It does for an orphan.”
I flinched at that word. It felt wrong. I didn’t like it used to describe Gabriel.
***
As dusk fell and the big top filled up, my stomach danced with nerves. I knew Tanner was back since there was a steady line of freshly made up people coming from his station. It was time to face him. I’d put it off too long.
The new contortionist, Hope, sat in the makeup chair as Tanner dusted a big powder brush across her nose.
When I walked up, instead of the usual warm greeting I got from Tanner, like a wink or hug, he didn’t even glance up from Hope’s face. “You need a touch up?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“Hope, you’re through,” Tanner said, turning the chair away from the mirror. She stepped down and left us.
I sat in the chair and he spun me toward the mirror. I looked back at his reflection.
“How did everything go with your parents today?”
“Fine.”
Okay, so one word answers were all I was going to get. I touched his arm. “I’m sorry I ditched out on you earlier. I was actually trying to help.” He looked down at the floor with a crease in his brow.
“Tanner, say something.”
He took a deep breath and released it.
“Okay.” But he didn’t say anything else.
“Okay?” I asked, hopeful.
“Yeah, okay. Let’s just drop it.”
“Do you hate me?”
“You know I don’t hate you.” He tugged my hair, playfully.
Marta walked up and placed her hand on Tanner’s shoulder. “The show’s sold out tonight, but I can seat your parents stage left, in the handicap seating.”
He nodded and thanked Marta, then met my eyes.
I gave him a strange look, cocking my head.
“Shutty,” he warned.
I pressed my lips together.
“I figure I can begin by telling them I’m a makeup artist.”
I smiled at his reflection.
“And if that goes well, then we’ll see.”
Gabriel and I sat backstage waiting for the show to start. I was reminded of the last time I was with him and the moment we shared in his trailer – the one that I ruined by suggesting the game and then running away. Leaving him like Sasha said not to do. Gabriel’s demeanor didn’t provide any comfort. He sat beside me, reading, and at the intermission began to warm up at his target. We hadn’t even talked since that game of three questions that went terribly wrong – he practically confirmed I’d wanted to kiss him…and more. I was dying to know what he was thinking.
I watched him stretch in front of his target and then inspect his blades as he prepared for the show. My stomach tensed, watching him with the knives. I wanted to start up a conversation, but I had no idea what to say to the boy I ran away from after admitting I wanted to kiss him. Was I in fourth grade?
He threw a knife, nailing the target with a thud. That snapped my attention back to him. He turned to see if I’d been watching and smiled when he caught my eyes. “So, about the other night….” His face held a look of playfulness, signaling that there were no hard feelings. Of course, I still didn’t understand what he was thinking.
“Yeah…about that…. I was just…tired….”
He cocked his head, watching me.
“So that’s why I, um, left,” I finished.
“Uh huh. I was wondering.” He smiled. “Are you feeling…tired tonight?”
The music changed, signaling intermission was over. Del appeared and ushered us out from behind the curtain.
After the show, Tanner brought his parents backstage to meet everyone and see where he worked. He led them to the dressing room, where a few half-dressed performers lingered. Sasha, Gabriel, Shane and I all gathered in a display of support around his makeup station.
After the introductions, I asked, “Did you guys enjoy the show?”
“We did. We were quite surprised,” his mother said. “But also very proud of our son for being involved in this,” she added.
I smiled at them. I knew that Tanner hadn’t yet told them anything else.
“Your act was quite somet
hing,” his dad said to Gabriel and me. “Are you sure that’s safe?”
“Um, hopefully.” It was the best answer I had.
Tanner’s dad shifted uncomfortably. “Tanner said you performed two shows today. You must be worn out. We don’t want to keep you.”
“Yeah, I’m exhausted,” I agreed.
“Tired again?” Gabriel shook his head, giving me a playful look. “That’s too bad.”
Ugh. Why did I open my mouth?
“Well, I guess this doesn’t surprise me,” his mother said, looking over all the jars and tubes of makeup spread out on the vanity. “He was always experimenting with my makeup when he was a boy.” After she said it, a confused look crossed her face as though she were trying to understand what that might mean.
“You guys want to grab a cup of coffee?” Tanner asked his parents. “I think we have more to talk about.”
“That sounds great, son,” Tanner’s dad said.
We said good-bye and watched Tanner leave with his parents. Sasha looped her arm around my shoulders and we walked back to our trailer.
Chapter 13
We left in the morning for Fargo and four hours later we were even further north. Our crew readied the little village for business. We would only be there three days, and I was determined to show Del the new dance routine.
I got my chance the next afternoon before our evening show. I went to their trailer and convinced him and Marta to come to the training room to watch Shane and me. We were already in costume, our music was cued and I promised them it would only take ten minutes of their time. They followed behind me, bickering.
They reached the studio and stood looking at us, waiting for us to begin. Shane hit ‘play’ and our music began softly as we got into position. Shane and I were ready. We knew this routine – we felt it in our blood. Once the music picked up, we were taken over, possessed by it. We gave everything we had to the dance and our raw emotions spilled out in our moves. I knew we were performing it perfectly. Shane had pointed out that my tension showed sometimes, so I didn’t allow myself to move too rigidly. It was hard, fighting against my training of the last decade – but I was doing it, flowing and dancing freeform. Shane looked amazing. His split jumps were higher than I’d ever seen, and he landed softly on his feet, launching immediately into his next move.
Just as the song built to a frenzy, we finished with the dramatic ending we’d dreamed up – me devouring Shane’s neck. I was intrigued with the notion that we’d allow ourselves to be consumed by love, knowing whatever the cost, whatever the toll, it was worth it.
Del looked shocked, like he didn’t believe the little ballerina had that in her. What he didn’t know was that little by little, I was changing from the girl he’d first met and hired. He and Marta conferred for a brief moment, talking in hushed voices before walking toward us. Del pumped my hand up and down enthusiastically. “Congratulations. You’re our new opening act.”
Shane and I jumped up and down, hugging each other. Del’s next comment about me playing both an angel and a naughty dancer in the show told me that I could continue performing with Gabriel as well. As much as I complained in the beginning about being a silly target girl, now that I understood Gabriel, I didn’t want to abandon him. In fact, he was the first person I wanted to tell about getting my own act.
I found him practicing outside in the field. He was shirtless despite the chill in the air and he stood there, holding a lit torch. I watched from across the grassy field as he took a drink of something and then blew it out across the flame, throwing a huge wave of fire out from him.
My stomach dropped and I walked over to him once the flame died down. I eyed him cautiously. “A new hobby?”
“It’s a new routine I’m considering. Fire breathing,” he said. “I’ve played around with it before.”
“Why does that not surprise me?” I smirked at him.
He shrugged. “Wanna see?” he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Do I have a choice?” I asked, looking down at the still-lit torch in his hand.
He took a gulp of clear fluid and held it in his mouth. I stepped back but still felt the heat when he blew the mist out over the torch. The flame arced up four or five feet out from his mouth and it’s heat warmed my cheeks.
He spit on the ground, clearing his mouth of the remaining fluid.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked, wondering if he had any concern for his own safety.
“It’s only a matter of time before Del gives you a new act. You’re not meant to be a target girl,” he said, snubbing out the torch.
“That’s what I came to tell you. Del watched Shane and I perform and he gave us the opening spot. But – I’ll still be working with you too.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yeah. It was never about getting away from you. I don’t love the knives, for obvious reasons, but I like to think I add something to your act.” His eyes caught mine and he smiled. “I just needed something of my own.”
He nodded and led me to his trailer as we talked. When we got there, Gertie pawed at me to pick her up. I bent down and retrieved her, holding her awkwardly by my side.
“It’s pretty obvious you’re not a dog person,” he said, taking her from me. He kissed the top of her head and set her down. It was a glimpse of such a different side of him – seeing how gentle he was with her. She hopped up on the bed and flipped herself onto her back. With her legs straight up in the air, she wiggled her body back and forth.
“Um, is she having a seizure?”
He smirked at me. “That’s how she scratches her back.” He stood, bare chested, towering over me.
He was such contradiction – I was drawn to the danger he represented, yet I always felt safe with him. Without thinking, I reached toward him and ran my finger along a tattoo that trailed down his rib cage. The word prevail in cursive style lettering ran vertically down his side. He stood perfectly still and let me explore. His body was a maze of scars and tattoos that I longed to touch, to understand.
I tilted my head up and looked at his lips, aching to feel them on mine. He brought his hand to my waist, neither pulling me closer, nor pushing me away, just holding me in place. I felt a warmth spread through my body, radiating out from deep inside me. I leaned in closer and could smell traces of his cologne. He put his hand on my shoulder, stopping me from coming any closer. “I probably taste like lamp oil,” he said, reading my mind.
I flushed and dropped my head, remembering the fluid he’d used for fire breathing. Why did I have to be so obvious about everything while he always remained perfectly in control? He pulled a t-shirt on over his head, covering up his smooth abs and a tattoo I’d been eyeing – the one that was partially hidden under his waistband. He brushed his teeth and gargled while I sat on his bed, looking through his collection of books.
He came back and sat next to me. Gertie lifted her head to see who had disturbed her, but when she saw it was Gabriel, she quickly went back to napping. He looked at me intently and I wondered what he was thinking.
He lifted my chin and brushed his fingers along my jaw. I waited for him to kiss me, but he seemed in no hurry as his fingertips lightly traced a slow pattern on my skin. He had much more restraint than me. My heart fluttered frantically inside my chest. I was becoming addicted to his gentle affections and the mystery he posed.
“We should probably feed you before the show,” he said softly.
That was the last thing on my mind. Then something clicked with the way he said it. “You don’t need to eat?”
He shrugged. “And you need to get changed.” He said it like he was trying to come up with a list of reasons why we shouldn’t rip each other’s clothes off right now. Screw that.
***
Tanner and Shane were extra flirty at dinner. They shared a plate of pasta, reminding me of a cutesy scene from Lady and the Tramp. Tanner had confessed everything to his parents and he was like a different p
erson now that he was truly ‘out.’ His mom told him they’d suspected he was gay for years and they were glad he’d finally opened up.
Gabriel sat down next to me with a tray of food.
“Wow. What have you done to him? He’s like a totally different person,” Sasha said looking at Gabriel with confusion.
I blushed at the thought of what I had been trying to do to him in his trailer, and stared down into my vegetable soup.
After dinner, Tanner pulled me aside. “Thanks for the parental intervention. I told them, and I just wanted you to know I appreciate what you said.”
I hugged him. “I’m so glad it worked out.”
“If you need me to stage an intervention with your parents, you just let me know.”
“I doubt that would be a good idea,” I said. Tanner’s parents were so warm, and loving. Eighteen years had taught me my parents weren’t capable of those same emotions.
“My parents surprised me. Maybe yours will surprise you too.” He rubbed my arm.
“Maybe. I’m just not ready to find out.”
He nodded.
That night’s show was the first time I got to see Hope’s performance. Del had said she was a contortionist, but I hadn’t understood what that meant until I saw her perform. She slowly crept out across the stage on all fours, wearing a multi-colored unitard with a hood she’d pulled up tightly over her head. Her body was trim and lean. She reminded me of a stealthy lioness.
The set design played into the animal feel, with props of large trees that created a backdrop around her and the lighting made it feel like a moonlit night with a starry ceiling up above. Zen-like music with animal calls played in the background. She swayed and moved to the sounds of the jungle, twisting and contorting her body into the most impossible pretzel-like shapes. She could twist her arms in unbelievable angles and twist her body all without breaking eye contact with the crowd.
I overheard Dmitri talking nearby as he and his group of friends watched her perform. Dmitri was enjoying how flexible she was and they were brainstorming things they could use her skills for.
“More fun and less effort for me,” I heard Dmitri say and he elbowed his friend, Brutus, in the ribs. I clenched my teeth to stop myself from saying anything.
The Cirque Page 10
