She looks up at me. “Say it again, please. One more time.”
“Not one more time. I’m going to tell you a million times if you let me. I love you.”
She pulls my mouth to hers and our tongues tangle together. Her grip on my neck is tight as if she’s afraid I will let her go. I won’t. I can’t. Her legs open to me and I slide inside of her, unmoving for a moment while I appreciate what is happening. I look down at her and wipe away another tear.
“Please stop crying, Kenzie. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay again.”
“I know,” she whispers. “Brayden…”
“What, baby?”
“I love you. I really do.”
I say nothing else and pull her closer. I know it was hard for her to say that. I don’t know why, yet, but I hope before we get out of here tonight I find out.
I begin to move inside her and sigh. It’s the best feeling.
“This is my favorite place in the world. Inside of you. You feel so good. You are part of me and this is where I belong. With you and only you.”
“Yes,” she whispers and buries her face in the crook of my neck. “You feel amazing. I missed you so much, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am not me without you. Not anymore.”
“Don’t ever leave me again. Please.”
“I won’t. I swear. If you’ll have me, I’ll always be here.”
“Nothing you can tell me would make me not want to be with you.”
She smiles and I push deeper into her. We move together on the floor with minimal lighting around us. I tangle my fingers in her hair, loving the feel of her silky strands. I love this woman so much I feel like I might explode.
I feel her body tense beneath me as she shakes from the orgasm that I just gave her. I kiss her neck, pumping quickly until I reach my own climax. I whisper her name and collapse against her. We lie this way for several minutes, just enjoying each other and the silence around us.
Suddenly we hear a loud crashing sound below that startles us. My protectiveness goes into overdrive and I quickly grab our clothes and practically drag Kenzie to the conference room.
“Come on!”
“There are too many windows in here.”
“Shit! Okay, my office.”
We hurry across the room and go inside, climbing underneath my desk for safety. I try my outside line again, but get only a busy signal. I try text messaging my sister, but there is no service.
“Let’s get dressed. I think we’re going to be here for a while,” I say.
“Me, too. I’m kind of worried. Do you think the building is safe?”
“I don’t know.” I pull her close. “I’ll do everything in my power to keep you safe.”
“To keep us both safe.”
“Yeah.”
We huddle together under my desk, listening for sounds of structural damage. I’m not sure how much time passes, but it feels like it’s been hours.
“Brayden?” Mackenzie says softly.
“What, babe?”
“I’m ready to talk.”
I take a deep breath. I suppose I should start from the beginning. After all, it starts the domino effect of everything that happened since.
“I’m listening, babe,” Brayden says, squeezing my hand with encouragement.
“Okay. I’ve never told anyone but my therapist about this, but you deserve to know what you’re dealing with. When I said those things at Macy’s wedding, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean that I didn’t love you. I do. I just…”
“You can tell me.”
“I’m just so afraid. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved and I was afraid if I loved you, too, that you would leave somehow.”
“I would never leave.”
“People have said that before and then they do anyway. It’s a pattern in my life. I have a lot to tell you.”
“Okay.”
I stare at my hands for a moment before I begin. “When I was six, my father committed suicide. I loved him very much. I remember sitting on his lap every day after school to show him everything I learned. Then one day, he just wasn’t there anymore. Everyone whispered in front of me after that. The only thing anyone would tell me is that daddy wasn’t coming back. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I learned the truth.”
I look at Brayden and the look on his face is filled with concern. It’s exactly what I needed to see.
I continue. “When I was ten, my mother died in a fire. Our house was in flames and she fought her way through the smoke to get me. When she got to my room, she pulled me out of bed and tried to get us out, but the hall was filling with fire. She broke my bedroom window and pushed me to climb out. A neighbor caught me because I had to jump from the second floor. The roof of our house collapsed before my mom got out. I cried and screamed for her while the firemen tried to find her. When they got to her, she was already dead.”
Brayden squeezes my hand as a tear falls down his cheek. “Oh my god, Kenzie.”
“After my mom died, I wouldn’t let anyone call me Kenzie anymore. She always called me that. You’re the first.” I wipe my face. “So my Aunt Maureen came and got me and I lived with her and my Uncle Robert. When I was fifteen, my uncle left my aunt for another woman. They were married for eighteen years and had four kids, plus me, and he just left. She had to get a job for the first time in her life and we lost the house and everything. We all lived in a tiny apartment until my aunt met her new husband. I decided I would never depend on a man for my wellbeing. All they do is leave.” I look away from him for a moment. “My aunt’s doing well now and she’s the only person I have that I haven’t lost. Yet.”
“Kenzie…”
“Wait. Please.” I just need to get this out. “After my mom died, I fed my pain with food and I gained a lot of weight. I hoarded food and sat in my room eating late into the night. By the time I was in high school, I was severely overweight and needed help. My aunt took me to a nutritionist who helped me a lot until I met my friend Sabrina. She taught me that I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I threw it up later. That was the beginning of my next eating disorder.”
Brayden rubs my back, but stays silent. I take a deep breath and continue.
“After years of battling my bulimia, I found a treatment program that really helped me and I got it under control. I lost the weight, graduated high school, went to college, and was doing fine. When I was twenty, I met Christopher. We had some classes together and I really liked him. We started dating and before long we were inseparable. I heard rumors about him around campus, that he messed around, but I didn’t believe it. He was so doting towards me I couldn’t imagine he was doing anything wrong.” I run my fingers through my hair. “We moved in together and everything was awesome, or so it seemed.”
“Did he cheat on you?”
“I don’t know. I never asked.”
“So what happened?”
“We were lying in bed one night and I told him that I loved him. I was sure he loved me, too. We were so happy. I still remember his reaction like it happened yesterday.”
“What did he do?”
“He got out of bed and laughed at me. He said I was delusional. I asked him why we moved in together and he said so he didn’t have to hunt for pussy and I would pay half the bills. He was cold and mean and told me he definitely didn’t love me. He left and went to the bar and I packed my few belongings and went back to my aunt’s house. I went right back to my old behaviors and I binged and purged for more than a year before I accepted help again.”
“Fuck.”
Tears fall down my face. “It was the most hurtful thing in the world to hear that someone you love doesn’t love you back and I did that to you. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t worry, babe. Keep talking to me.”
“I finished school and met my friend Leah and moved in with her. I got the job at Christiansen and put myself back in food rehab. Every time I tried to deal with the amount of loss in my life i
t triggered the eating disorder, so I went through the motions to get out of rehab and I started seeing my private therapist. I learned some coping mechanisms, but mostly what I learned was not to let people get close to me. As long as I didn’t invest too much in someone they stayed. As soon as I loved, they left. Men became just something I did. It didn’t mean anything.” I look up at Brayden to see his reaction. I fear I will see pity, but it’s not there. Only love.
“When you told me you loved me, even before that, I knew I was falling for you and it scared the shit out of me. I was…am so scared that I will lose you, too. At the wedding I panicked and ran. I realize the irony of pushing you away as a result.” I wipe away another tear. “That night, I lay on the beach near your place, crying and praying that somehow I could make this better.”
“You went to the beach that night?”
“Yes.”
“So did I. It seemed like the best place to go.”
“For me, too.” I sigh. “After that, I went home and in my despair I did it again.”
“Did what?”
“I made myself throw up. I lay on my bathroom floor punishing myself for hurting you.”
“Damn.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. “This sucks to hear that you’ve been hurt so much.”
“I called my aunt and she came to help me. She made me eat and she sat with me the rest of the weekend until the urge passed.”
“So you’re better now?”
I shake my head. “Not entirely.” I pull back. “I thought about running away, about never facing you again. Each time I saw your face, I felt like I was dying. You were unbelievably angry and I knew I deserved it. I wanted to tell you all of this, but I didn’t know how.”
“I’m sorry I was so mean. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings for you and the rejection. It hurt so badly.”
“You don’t owe me an apology. I should have told you sooner about me, but… I didn’t want your pity. I never thought we would fall in love. I thought it was just going to be sex.” I smile. “You’re supposed to be an anti-commitment womanizer.”
“I used to be. It was sick. You came into my life at a time when I was open and ready for love.”
“I’m thankful you picked me. I was sure you got together with Stacey.”
“Not even close. Ever since you came into my life, no other woman had a chance. I’m obsessed with my feelings for you.”
“Why are you with her so much? And the kiss?”
“I was there for a party at my sister’s house. We had an incident before, when we first broke up, and she tried to get me to have sex with her.”
“Did you?”
“No. I wasn’t even attracted to her. I only want you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I’ll tell you something else. Before I even met you, I wanted you. I saw your picture on Christiansen’s website and was immediately entranced by your beauty. Then that night we had dinner, shit. I’ve honestly never been that attracted to a woman in my life. It was like a wrecking ball came out of the sky and smashed into me. Not only are you gorgeous, but your confidence and your professional accomplishment is a fucking turn on. I’ve never wanted another woman since you walked into my life.”
“Can we fix this between us?”
“We already have. I love you, Kenzie, all of you. No matter what you’ve been through or will go through in the future, I am here. I am yours.”
“I’m your witness?” I ask, smiling.
“Yeah, you are. My life is entwined in yours. I need you and I can’t and won’t let you go ever again.”
“I won’t run anymore. I can’t tell you that I’m fixed or that there isn’t anything wrong with me. But I will work on it for you. For me.”
“For us.” Brayden leans forward and kisses me again. “I love you. I’m honored you told me everything and I will be here for you every day of your life. I’m not leaving.”
“You can’t promise me that.”
“Look at me,” he says. “It’s true that life can deal some pretty shitty hands. You’re right that I can’t say for sure I know everything that will happen in the future, but I know what I have control over. I won’t ever willingly leave your side. Ever. I can promise you that.”
I shake my head softly. “I don’t even know how I was so lucky that you fell in love with me. I tried so hard to keep my emotional distance from you.”
“I could see through the cracks in your wall. I knew behind it was a warm, loving woman. Plus, every time I saw you, I felt like a different man. A better one. I felt like you saw me, all of it, and didn’t want to change any part. You wanted me just how I was and that’s an incredible feeling. You made me feel like I was able to love a woman when I always felt too flawed for love.”
I brush his cheek with my fingers. “I don’t see flaws in you. I see a man who sat patiently in front of the wall I built around my heart and took each brick down, one by one. Even when I tried to put them back, you just smiled and worked on a different section. Eventually you took more bricks down than I could put back up. I stayed away because of my internal battles, but you have to know how much I wanted to be with you again.”
“I don’t want to talk about all the things we both did wrong. Neither of us knew how to deal with our emotions, neither of us has been here before. Let’s just figure out how to love each other now.”
I throw my arms around his neck. “You are the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I feel so safe with you and loved.”
“You are.”
“So are you. I love you.” I kiss him again. “No one has ever told me they loved me before.”
“I’ve never told anyone I loved them before.”
“I’m the first?” I ask.
“And the last.”
We kiss as we curl up together in this tight, dark space. Before I know it, my eyes start to close from pure exhaustion. I don’t know how long we’ll be in this building, but as long as I’m with Brayden everything is going to be just fine.
My eyes flutter open at the sound of male voices. I stir suddenly, bumping my head on the top of the desk as I sit up. Brayden sits up, too.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“Someone’s here.”
Brayden jumps up and opens the door to his office. “We’re in here!”
I stand up to see what’s going on as several firemen come in the room.
“Is anyone hurt?” one of them asks.
“No,” Brayden says. “We’re both fine.”
“Come with us.” We walk close to the conference room and I see two windows completely busted out. “There is too much debris in the stairwell and there might be some fallen beams. We’ll have to get you out through this window.”
I clutch Brayden’s arm. I am horribly afraid of heights. “Is that the only way?” I ask.
“Yes, ma’am,” the fireman says. “You’re safe. We have a lot of support for you on the other side of that window. But we need to get you out soon. We aren’t sure how stable the building is.”
“Okay.”
Brayden leans in and whispers to me. “We’ll be okay. I got you.”
“Okay.”
At the window, Brayden lifts me up and into the arms of a waiting fireman. He puts me in a basket and then helps Brayden in. As the basket is lowered, I avoid looking down.
“How did you find us?” Brayden asks.
“An anonymous call came in that said there were two people trapped in this building on the top floor. Whoever it was, they may have saved your lives. The building sustained a lot of damage in the quake.”
Brayden and I look at each other and I know we are both thinking the same thing. Our stalker called.
“Well, I guess we can be thankful for that,” Brayden says.
“I just want to get out of here,” I say.
We get to the ground and out of the basket. The scene is crazy as firemen, police officers, and city workers surround the building. Several coworkers arr
ive for work, unaware of the damage to the building.
Matt approaches. “Were you guys stuck in there?”
Brayden nods. “Yeah, all night. It was really scary.”
“We were just about to leave and I went upstairs to tell Brayden something,” I explain. “A few minutes later the building was shaking.”
“Wow,” Matt exclaims. “Thank god you weren’t hurt.”
“Definitely,” Brayden agrees.
A police officer approaches. “We’d like you two to come over and get checked out real quick, just to ensure nothing is wrong.”
“Okay,” Brayden says, taking me by the arm to the paramedic truck.
We get our vitals checked out and two bottled waters to drink. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the chrome of the truck and smile. I look a mess right now and I don’t care. I’ve never been happier in my life.
“Can we go home?” Brayden asks.
“Yes, I think so,” the paramedic says. “Just check in with the officer.”
We walk over to a policeman and after answering a few brief questions we are free to go. Brayden explains to the others that we should all go home, as do many other managers who have arrived. We walk down the sidewalk to the parking garage, thankful it wasn’t damaged.
“I would have died if my car got hurt,” Brayden says, laughing.
“Me, too. It’s a beautiful car.”
“All your stuff is upstairs. Do you want to come back to my place until we can get back in the building?” he asks as we get in.
“I want to go home and get some things. Then can I come over?”
“Of course. How are you going to get in there?”
“The manager will let me in.”
“Okay, I’ll come pick you up in a couple of hours?”
“No, I’ll take a cab over.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, you’ve been through just as much as I have. I can manage.” I lean over and kiss his cheek, forgetting we are still in the parking lot. “Until I get back to you.”
Brayden smiles and pulls the car out onto the street. He drives over to my place and comes inside with me to make sure I can get into my apartment. Once he’s satisfied, he kisses me and tells me he’ll be waiting for me.
Chasing Desire Page 34
