“Em, you’re going to want more than that some day. If you’re mine than I am going to be the one to give it to you.”
“Trust me Danny, I want more than that now.” Her grip on my hand tightens. “But I need to know first, before we go any further.”
I feel the pull in my chest at the thought of her running from us. “Because I can only have you if you get the answer you want.”
“Danny,” she says, stopping and staring at me. “No. I just told you I’m yours- no matter what. But I’m going to need some time to adjust if the test doesn’t turn out the way I want it to. I need to know before this goes any further.”
“Okay,” I tell her. We walk in silence until we get to my cabin.
“I’m going to wait out here,” she says taking a seat on the porch steps.
“Alright,” I say, heading inside and changing as quickly as possible. Something inside me snapped today as I felt that girl unravel against my fingers. I feel crazy with possession. I need her. I need to be by her and to know she needs me too. I have to relax though; I’m going to scare her away. I head out the door half expecting her to be gone but she’s sitting on the step running her hand through her hair. She turns and smiles at me and my heart beat picks up.
As we approach Emily’s house she untangles her fingers from mine and stuffs them in her pockets. I panic for a second before realizing she doesn’t want her Grandparents to see us like this.
“This is going to be an awkward lunch,” I tell her, stuffing my own hands into my pockets.
“Don’t do anything,” she says, panicking.
I laugh; what does she think I’m going to do to her in front of her grandparents? “Like what?”
“Don’t look at me like that, for one.”
“Like what?” I ask, confused.
“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. “You just shouldn’t look at me.”
“Okay,” I say, trying not to laugh. “What else?”
“You definitely cannot touch me,” she warns. “Not even a little.”
“Got it.”
“And don’t say anything that could possibly make me think of you.”
“So no talking, looking or touching,” I recap, smiling at her.
“Yes,” she says seriously as we walk up the porch steps.
“This should be fun,” I say under my breath and she pauses before opening the door to give me one last look of warning. I shake my head and follow her inside.
#
Emily and I sit on the front porch after a tense lunch with Cliff and Lucille. I’m happy to finally relax a little but I still have to fight the urge to wrap my arms around her. As uncomfortable as lunch was it made me sympathetic to the fact that this thing Emily and I are doing is harder for her than it is for me. She will have to face Cliff and Lucille every day and knowing that she is doing something they don’t approve of. She is sacrificing more than I am. The only family I have to face are Jason and Maddie and they are all for anything Emily. “What do you think about letting me see that letter?” I ask, thinking it will be good for me to face my mom on this day that I have basically forced Emily to commit herself to me even though I know she thinks it’s wrong. Maybe Mom will talk some sense into me like she always did.
“You don’t have to ask,” she tells me but I can tell she’s hesitating. “I have one from your dad too. Should I bring it?”
I look at her with genuine surprise. “Yea,” I tell her, “bring whatever you’ve got.”
“Okay,” she says, standing and going into the house.
I wait impatiently; I can’t imagine my shell of a father writing a letter to Emily. He never took the time to explain anything to me. I can’t imagine what he had to say to her.
She returns a few minutes later with a shoe box and a blanket. She sits down and hand’s me the blanket, which I spread out over her bare legs, but she hold tight to the box. She opens it, setting the top carefully next to her. She takes out two envelopes. “I don’t know which one you want to read first. I read Cora’s first.”
“I think I’ll save hers,” I say, grabbing the letter that has Emily’s name written in my dad’s hand writing. “He never explained anything to me,” I say, looking at the envelope in my hand. “He said he was sorry, he said he wished he had had never done it but he never said why he did do it.”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “My mom never said a word about anything either. I’m glad he tried to explain.” My gut wrenches as I think of her selfish mom.
I take the letter out and open it up.
I read his words and I’m surprised to feel some sort of love for him. He was worried about Emily, worried about how she was doing. I can’t imagine that now- I can’t picture him being concerned with anyone but himself.
Reading the next paragraph I feel a heaviness in my chest. He says he feels like he owes Emily an explanation and I wonder why he never felt he owed me one. As I read further I feel betrayed, I feel hurt. I never knew he was an alcoholic before he met my mom. I never knew my mom lost a baby. Jesus.
I set the letter down, trying not to let it upset me. Emily rubs her hand up and down my arm with nervous energy. I decide to focus on what’s good. “He’s right… he changed me; hardened me, made me bitter, broke my heart. But you changed me again. You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been.” I run my thumb over her cheek. She smiles up at me and I can see that her eyes are glossy. She can’t talk.
“Am I ready for this?” I ask holding onto my mom’s letter.
“I think so,” she says. “But just so you know, it doesn’t support your theory.”
I grin at her. If she can joke, it must not be that heart breaking. I open the letter and begin to read my mom’s words. I fight back the tears, hearing my mom’s voice clearly in my head. She loved Emily so much. She loved me so much. She was a lot like Emily. She was practical and understood what this event would do to all of us; she and my dad did work though things, Maddie and Jason did, for the most part, think that they were on an extended stay at their Nana’s and Papa’s. If Mom were still here it would just be me and Em left to deal with the hurt and confusion. She’s caring like Emily too. She loved all of us so perfectly. She wanted us to be happy. She wanted me and Emily to be together. She understood we would always need each other. I set the letter down.
“You have the best mom,” Emily whispers.
“Yea,” I agree. “And she sure loved you.” I wrap my arm around Emily.
“I love her too. I’m so thankful that she thought to write me that letter. I never thought, the day my mom took me away, that I’d never see her again. I’m so thankful to have her words,” Emily says quietly.
“She wants us to be together,” I say, knowing that Mom could never see me with anyone but Em.
“She did but it’s clear she never thought we would consider being together if it turns out Mike’s my dad. If that’s the case she wants us to best friends.”
“She said God made us for each other and she’s right. You are mine, Emily, and I’m yours. No matter what. She would understand that.”
“If you’re trying to convince yourself, I understand. But you don’t have to tell me... I know how I feel,” she says and I hold her closer to me.
“It hurt so bad to lose her,” I say out loud for the first time. “I can’t lose you too.” I flinch at the pain in my chest.
“I’m not going anywhere Danny. I never will.”
Emily
Everyone’s going to the lake tonight… do we want to go? I send the message to Danny. He’s at work which is the only reason I’m not with him. He’s wanted to be with me every second of every day ever since the river. A shiver runs through my body thinking about it. I’ve been true to my word though and haven’t let him touch me there with his fingers or anything else. That’s not to say that I’ve been orgasm free. Danny just has to look at me and I swear I can feel one coming on. I researched it and apparently there’s nothing wrong with it, in fact most thin
gs I’ve read tell me I’m lucky and that there are plenty of women who can’t have orgasms at all. I just wish I could make him feel as good as he makes me feel.
The only time he’s not with me, besides when he’s at work, is when he’s at his dad’s. He’s keeping me away from Mike. He says it’s because he doesn’t want me to see him but I think it’s because he doesn’t want Mike to see me. I’m afraid of both things. Danny’s told me I won’t recognize him and that he’s drunk all the time. That’s not the Mike I knew and I don’t want to see him broken. I also don’t want him to see me and be reminded of what happened. I don’t want to make him hurt anymore than he already is. Danny’s been having Jason and Maddie at his place more and more so that we can all be together, which is great with me. It forces Danny and I to focus on something other than touching. Besides, I love being with Jason and Maddie and I think they prefer being at Danny’s rather than at home.
If you want to go you should. I can’t leave the kids.
I figured that’s what he would say. I look at my phone with disappointment. Danny never gives himself a night off. I don’t blame him, I just wish he at least had the option to leave at night if he wanted to. Plus, I miss Nat and Jessa. I would have liked for all of us to be together.
“What’s the long face for?” Grandma asks, coming back into the kitchen with her Mason jars so we can finish canning the peppers.
I put my phone away and smile at her. “Nothing, really. Everyone’s getting together at the lake tonight and I wanted Danny to come but he can’t leave the kids. I knew he wouldn’t be able to but I was still hoping.”
“Well that’s silly. The boy needs a night off. Tell him to bring them over here. Grandpa and I would love to have them.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Of course, Emily. It’s not like they haven’t stayed here before.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Well sure, hon. When Cora came home and she and Mike were working through their problems I used to make Cora let me take them so they could have some time together. I miss those kids; I’d love to have them here for the night.”
I smile at Grandma. “Okay, I’ll ask Danny.” Grandma and Grandpa want the kids to come over here and spend the night. She said they used to come over quite a bit and she misses them… what do you think?
I think they shouldn’t have to babysit so I can go have fun.
I shake my head at the phone. They want to, it’s not babysitting. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea that’s fine but they would really like to.
You sure?
Yes, I’m sure.
There’s no response for a few minutes and I figure he’s thinking up an excuse to not burden my grandparents. I’m about to put my phone back in my pocket when he finally replies. Okay. Tell them thanks. What time should I bring them over?
I smile hugely at the phone. Can you bring them over after work? We’ll hang out and have dinner together before the two of us go out.
I can feed them before we come.
Why are you so stubborn? Grandma and I want to make you guys dinner, can you please come have dinner with us? Please.
Well if you’re gonna beg… I guess so.
I put my phone away and look at Grandma. “They’ll be here for dinner,” I tell her happily.
“Good. I hate seeing all my cooking go to waste on you and Grandpa,” she says winking at me.
#
Grandma pulled out all the punches for dinner tonight; she was so excited to have more mouths to feed. We were in the kitchen all afternoon and into the evening. Danny should be here with the kids any minute and I’m a complete mess. I know I don’t have time to shower or get ready so I just give my face a quick washing and throw on a clean t-shirt.
I hear the door bell so I run down the stairs to answer it. Grandma’s already got the door open and Maddie wrapped up in her arms. Grandpa’s there too with a hand on Jason’s shoulder. I look at Danny and think he looks uncomfortable. I don’t know why he’s so against accepting help. He insists on paying Sue even though she doesn’t want the money and he’ll barely leave them in my hands for more than a half hour. Grandma brings the kids in the kitchen and they’re so excited they don‘t even look at me. I go to Danny and put my hands on his stiff shoulders. “You have to relax,” I tell him as I look into his eyes.
He bends down and gives me a quick kiss which makes my whole body tingle. My hands start to wander down his chest as I stare at him, wanting more. He laughs then gently takes my hands and places them at my sides. “Sorry,” he says.” I couldn’t help it.”
“I missed you today.”
“I missed you too… a lot,” he smiles at me and it’s all I can do to keep my hands at my sides.
“We should probably go to the kitchen.”
“Yea,” he says staring at me through hooded eyelids, “we probably should.”
I turn from his gaze and take a deep breath before going to join everyone. Grandma’s got Maddie setting the table and Jason is sitting down with Grandpa helping him with his crossword puzzle. I smile, thinking how happy I am that the kids have my Grandma and Grandpa and that Grandma and Grandpa have them. It’s going to be a good night.
#
After everyone has had their fill of roast, potatoes, beans, squash, buns and apple pie I stand to help Grandma with the dishes. “You go on now,” she tells me. “You need to get cleaned up. Grandpa will help me with this. You and Danny go get the kids settled in their room.”
“You sure?” I ask.
“Yes, go.” She say’s smiling at me.
“Alright,” I say as Grandpa takes my place at the sink. “You heard the woman,” I say to Jason and Maddie, “let’s go find your room.”
They jump out of their seats and follow Danny and me up the stairs. I go to the room next to mine and Jason and Maddie follow me in, each claiming one of the twin beds in the spare bedroom. It’s clear they’ve done this before. Jason sits on his bed and starts looking through the books on the bedside table. Maddie goes straight to the toy chest in the corner of the room and digs out my old Barbie dolls. “Looks like you guys know your way around here pretty well,” I say looking at Jason. He smiles up at me. “Okay, well I’m gonna go get ready,” I say to Danny.
“You taking a shower?” He asks running his hand down the side of my body and looking at me like he’s turned on.
“You stay here,” I tell him, forcing myself to turn and walk away.
I shower quickly; it’s already after seven and I told the girls I’d be there at eight. I made sure to bring my robe with me so Danny wouldn’t catch me running across the hall in a towel. I swear, one look form that boy and I might just drop it on the ground and go jump on him.
I stand before my closet looking over my boring wardrobe. Nat’s going to be so disappointed. I don’t really have any going out clothes as she likes to say. I turn to the door when I hear a quiet knocking. “Come in,” I say, expecting Grandma, but it’s Danny who opens the door.
He walks in and takes a good look at me before glancing around the room. I feel a little nervous for some stupid reason. He hasn’t been in my room since I’ve been home. He walks to my bed and looks down at it. I look at it too; it’s covered in a white comforter edged with fancy eyelet fabric. My Grandma made it for me when I was eight. It looks so childish all of the sudden, so innocent. I think of what I did in that bed last night as Danny told me, over the phone, what he would do to my body if he were there with me. I glance at the pillow that was pushed between my legs as I came apart from his words. I blush realizing that’s probably what he’s thinking about too.
“You should go,” I manage to whisper.
He turns to me and raises an eyebrow. “Why can’t I be in your room, Em?” He breaths and takes a step toward me. “You’re bed is so sweet,” he says under his breath, “I like it in here.”
My breathing becomes rapid and my body burns. I can feel the air between my naked legs. “Danny, seriously,”
I say, terrified that I will come undone in the middle of my room from his words.
There is a banging against my wall as Maddie pushes through the door. Thank God. “Are you getting ready to go the party?” she asks coming to stand by me.
I shoot Danny a look of warning before turning my attention to Maddie. “I am. Can’t find anything good to wear though,” I tell her.
She stares at my open closet and I turn to look with her. “How come you always wear jeans and t-shirts?” She asks.
I laugh at her innocent words. She, unlike Jessa and Nat, is not intentionally criticizing my lack of style. “I don’t know. I guess that’s just what I like to wear.”
She looks to the bottom row where my jeans are hung and pulls out the skirt I bought shopping with the girls. “You should wear this,” she tells me. “It’s a skirt.”
“A skirt?” Danny asks from behind me. He takes it from his sister’s hands. “It is a skirt. You should wear it.”
“I think it’ll be too cold out for a skirt,” I say, taking it from his hands.
“It’s still eighty degrees out there, Em. We can sit by the fire, I’ll keep you warm.” His voice drops and his eyes smolder.
“Wear it, please,” Maddie begs. “I’ve never seen you in a skirt.”
“Maybe some other time,” I tell her, going to put it back in the closet.
Danny grabs a hold of my wrist, stopping me. “You should really wear it, Em. It will be fun,” he whispers. Fun? I stare at him confused. “I promise,” he tells me- his blue eyes sparkling.
“Fine.”
“Yea,” Maddie says. “What shirt are you going to wear?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her, looking back at my closet. “Something warm I guess, since my legs are going to be freezing.”
“What about that?” she asks, pointing out a red sweater towards the back.
“That’s old,” I tell her, because it is. It was the last thing my mom bought me. I never wore it but I used to hold it; it’s the softest thing I’ve ever touched. I couldn’t get myself to donate it with all my other stuff… just in case it was the last thing I ever got from her.
Love Is Relative Page 18
