Danny opens it and I can tell that he is completely stressed out. “Hey,” he says pulling me into his arms. “You ready?”
“I think so. Did you tell him I was coming?”
“Yep,” he says tightly.
“Did he seem okay with it?”
“He’s not really okay with anything right now. He hasn’t had a drink so he’ll be a little shaky. He’s nervous about seeing you so if he doesn’t look you in the eyes or if he seems apprehensive, just know that’s why. He hasn’t been forced to deal with anything for a long time so it’s going to be hard. For all of us.”
My body feels weak. My mind seems fuzzy. Am I making a mistake, forcing this on him? As sacred as I am, I don’t want to walk away. “Thank you for doing this for me. I know it’s not easy for you or for him.”
“I’d do just about anything for you, Em, you know that. And he owes you at least this much.”
“Okay, well let’s go see him,” I say.
Danny grabs a hold of my hand which I’m grateful for. He leads me out of the huge entry way and into the great room. I can see Mike sitting on the couch facing away from us and I can already tell from his frail, hunched shoulders that he has changed more than I could have imagined. Danny walks me around the couch so that I’m facing Mike. As I look at him my heart breaks into pieces. He’s staring at the ground and I can practically feel his shame. He looks so small; a fraction of what he used to be. His skin is an unnatural color and his usually perfect hair is unkempt. He looks about twenty years older than he did the last time I saw him.
Danny sits across from him and pulls on my hand to join him but I can’t get myself to sit. I have an overwhelming need to go to Mike and wrap him up in my arms. I look down at Danny with questioning eyes as I pull my hand away. He lets out a breath and shrugs his shoulders. I smile before turning my eyes from his and going to his father. “Hi, Mike,” I say, sitting down next to him. He turns his head to me and I can see that his whole body is shaking. His eyes are moist and his lips tremble. I can’t help it; I lean forward and wrap my arms around his back, feeling the bones of his body. I release him after a moment, looking into his eyes. “It’s good to see you.”
“I can’t believe you’re really here,” he whispers.
“I was gone for too long. I missed all of you so much,” I say, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder.
He gives me a weak smile. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Me too. How are you?” I ask even though the answer is evident.
He lets out a sad laugh. “Not too good my girl. But I guess that’s pretty obvious.”
“That’s understandable. I’m so sorry about Cora. I know how much you loved her.” I silently curse myself. I really hadn’t meant to go there. I don’t want to make him sadder than he already is, but he smiles at me and I feel reassured.
“Thank you for saying that. I do love her. She wouldn’t like to see me this way.”
“I got the letter that you wrote me, I don’t know if you remember it, but Grandpa held onto it and gave it to me after I came home.”
“Good,” he says. “I was in a better state of mind then. I’m glad you got to read that before you had to come see me like this. At least you know I was decent at some point… descent’s not the word I guess, but not a complete mess like I am now.”
“You’ve always been decent Mike, more than decent. I’m sorry to see you like this though. It must sill hurt a whole lot.”
“That’s my excuse anyway,” he tells me.
“You told me in your letter that when Cora met you were an alcoholic and she loved you anyway. She loves you now too.”
“She wouldn’t want to see me like this though.”
“Well, no,” I admit. “No one wants to see you like this. Your family and Sue… they love you. Of course they don’t want to see you like this. But they still love you, just like Cora did.”
Mike smiles at me and I see a familiar glimmer in his eyes. It makes me feel hopeful. “You’re a good girl, Emily. You always did see the best in everyone.”
“Well everyone’s got some good in them,” I tell him because that is true.
“I think my goods about all but disappeared,” he says.
“This wouldn’t be so hard if you hadn’t loved her so much. I get to see Danny and Jason and Maddie quite a bit. I see the good in you in them every single day.”
A tear escapes his eye and I tense up. I hadn’t meant to make him cry. I know Danny hates it when he cries. “Well thanks for saying that,” he says, reaching out and patting my hand. “I wish I could stop it… the drinking. I wish I could get myself together and be a father to them. I hate myself.”
“Alcoholism in a disease. If you want to get better, you have to get help. Danny and Sue will help you if you want them to.” I know I’m overstepping my boundaries but I’m pretty sure Danny is not going to step in.
“You’re right. I know you’re right,” he says, shaking his head. “You didn’t come here to talk about my problems though.”
“Well not exactly. Really, I just wanted to see you again.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he tells me.
I want to tell him I’m not disappointed but that would be a lie. “You don’t have to worry about me. I just want you to worry about yourself.”
“I need to be worrying about Jason and Maddie… and Danny,” he says.
“Them too.” I agree. “Although Danny’s been doing a great job taking care of them and himself.”
Mike chances a glance at Danny but I can’t get myself to look. This is hard enough as it is. “He’s a good boy,” he says, turning back to me.
I can’t help but smile. “He’s the best boy,” I agree.
“Well I’m glad he has you.”
“I’m glad to have him. I couldn’t live without him.” I say, honestly. “The fact is that I love him, very much. I know you have a lot of things to work through right now but I wanted to ask you if you’d be willing to have a paternity test done. I need to know… if you’re my father, if Maddie and Jason are my brother and sister. But mostly I need to know if Danny is my brother.”
He drops his head. I think he’s going to tell me no but then he looks up at me and smiles. “Yes, of course. It would be such a weight off my heart for you and Danny to finally know.”
“Thank you,” I say reaching out to embrace him. He pats my back with awkward hands and I wonder if anyone ever hugs him anymore.
“I just want you to remember, Emily, that no matter how the results turn out, I have always loved you like a daughter. I know I don’t seem capable of love right now but I am. I love my children so much. I will always love you too, no matter what.”
“Thank you, Mike. It’s good to hear you say that. I love you too.”
“Cora would be so happy that you will finally have an answer. It always weighed heavily on her heart. She always wanted to know for your and Danny’s sake.”
“I know,” I manage to whisper, trying desperately to hold back my tears. I cannot cry in front of him.
“She loved you, kid.”
“I love her too,” I say.
Emily
Mike is shaking as we leave the clinic. He has been all morning. Some of it could be nerves but mostly it’s just a side effect of his detox. Danny smashed all of his beer the morning I went to see him for the first time. When he wanted more Danny refused to get it for him. Sue did too. They’ve been with him constantly, they’ve taken away the keys to his truck, they’ve kept the kids away.
I’ve done what I can which, for the most part, is taking care of Jason and Maddie. Danny refuses to let me near Mike and I respect that, for now. It’s only been five days but it seems much, much longer than that. I’m just glad Danny is finally doing something. He said that being forced to face his dad and being forced to help him that morning made him realize that he’s all Mike has; he’s the only one who can help him get better. I’m happy for that.
The paternity test was not a big deal when it came down to it. My grandparents were there to sign the papers for me but I got the feeling that no one will even look at the signatures. Mike and I both had to give a saliva sample… and that was it. “We’ll have the results in one to two weeks”, the nurse told me as we left. I don’t know if that is too long or too short to wait. Everything seems very out of sorts right now, like I can’t get my bearings.
I’m hoping to find a little bit of normalcy today though. Sue is spending the rest of the day, and staying the night, with Mike. My Grandparents are taking Jason and Maddie to the Rochester county fair and to spend the night with my grandma’s sister. No one has said it, but it seems like this is all planned. As if this is the last night Danny and I will ever have together before we find out we can’t be who we want to be. I try to push away all of the uncertainty and not think too much about the serious life changes that are happening, too suddenly, around us. I try to focus on Danny, like it is our last night.
We say our goodbyes in the Donovan’s front yard and then Danny and I make our way back to his cabin. I squeeze his tense hand and hope he can relax. This whole thing with his dad has really shaken him up. My Grandpa was right; we had major issues to deal with before we could deal with ourselves, and this is the first one. The stress of reality has taken the fun, carefree Danny away from me. He’s so preoccupied with his father and his siblings that even when we are together it seems like he’s not really there with me. There has been almost no touching; certainly nothing beyond a hug or a brief kiss. I understand and I sympathies but I miss him. I know it’s not personal, the way he’s treating me, but it’s hard not to feel hurt. I can tell he’s still upset about the things Noah said too. Sometimes it feels like he’s pushing me away and that scares me.
As we walk into his cabin he tosses his keys on the table then sits on the couch. He puts his head in his hands and lets out a deep breath. He’s been quiet all morning. It’s obvious he’s caught up in his thoughts but I need him to talk to me. I need him… I just need him. I take the chair across from him, not sure anymore if he wants me next to him or if he needs his space. He looks up from his hands. “Well, it’s done,” he tells me. “In a week we could know if he’s your dad or not.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say that. He has said very little about the paternity thing since we talked to Mike about it. It didn’t seem like something he was even thinking about. “It’s weird to think that I will have a definite answer. And it was so easy. All of us have wondered for so long, and it was so easy; two little swabs.”
“It’s hard to think about. I know that I’ve been acting like it didn’t matter either way but now that we are going to have an answer, I realize it does.”
My stomach is turning and I feel sick. He has been thinking about it. He’s finally realized what I used to believe until he convinced me otherwise. If I am his half-sister then we can’t be together. Oh God, I can’t lose him. I close my eyes fighting back my tears and turn my face to the ground so that he can’t see the pained stress that’s there. I can’t speak.
“You were right,” he whispers and I feel the sobs push at my chest, at my throat, but I manage to hold them inside. “I just can’t help but wonder how things would be different if we had known all along. Would the pain my mom felt have been less if you weren’t Mike’s daughter, if she would have known that for sure? I know it was so hard for her to think that we wouldn’t end up together some day. If she would have known one way or another, would she have been able to cope better? And my dad, If his betrayal hadn’t resulted in a child that he already loved, would it hurt less, could he have handled life better? Would they have been able to work things out sooner, if they had just known?” I chance a look at him. His face is back in his hands. He probably hasn’t even looked at me. It probably doesn’t even matter if I’m here or not. His concern is not for me, or for us. “Would she have needed that medication if she had known for sure? Would she still be here with us?” Danny’s voice rises to a cry of frustration. I feel his pain in my gut.
“What do you mean Danny… about the medication?” I ask.
He lifts his head and looks at me. There is so much pain on his face; I can hardly look at him. “She was on Nardil… an antidepressant. They think she fell asleep at the wheel because of it. That’s why she drove into the lake. That’s why she died.” He buries his head again and I can see his body shaking.
“Oh my God,” I say with shock. I had no idea... that she was still hurting so much… that she was on medication… that it was the reason for her death.
“I hate your mom for taking you away from me,” he says with his face still in his hands. “I hate her for leaving us with no way to find answers. I hate the fact that she went on living her fucking life without a second thought to the devastation she left behind. I hate that she probably thinks she’s a fucking victim in this situation when she destroyed my mom and my dad. When she left Jason and Maddie parentless. When she took you away from me.”
I can’t hold back my tears anymore. The whole of this devastation crashes down on me as I watch Danny collapsing under it. I hate her too. I really, truly hate her.
I go to Danny even though I’m sure he doesn’t want me right now; I need to put my arms around him and feel his on me. I kneel in front of him and slip my arms under his collapsed frame and around his body. I hide my head in the crook of his neck and I can feel his blood pulsing under his skin. He doesn’t’ respond to my presence but I’m not willing to let him go. I hold him there, forgetting about my pain and trying to absorb his. He trembles and I know he’s crying silent tears. It’s more than I can handle. “I’m sorry, Danny. I hate her too. She’s taken everything from you but I’m not going to let her take me. No matter how hard you push me away, I won’t let anything take you from me. Ever.”
I feel his head rise and his arms move to my sides. He lifts me to his lap and pulls me close to him. It’s a relief; maybe he won’t push me away, maybe not just yet. I cling tighter and bury my face further and he lets me. He holds me tight, burying himself as thoroughly as I have.
I cry openly; big wet tears. Danny cries silently, the tremors in his body are the only sign. A million thoughts go through my mind as we hold each other. Each of them more devastating than the one before as they pile on top of each other. I can’t help but wonder if he is saying his goodbye to me. If this is the last dramatically sad scene that happens when two people separate. I wonder if Cora cried in Mike’s arms before she left him. I understand why Mike decided to drink his reality away when he lost Cora. I consider what my own coping mechanism might be after I lose Danny. I try to imagine life without him and all I see is nothing – a never ending state of darkness.
I realize that no matter what happens, I need him. I promised him time and again that I was his, no matter what, but I don’t know if I truly believed it. I do now. I don’t care what the test says. I can’t live without him. I’m not going to let him push me away.
I need to remind him what it feels like to be lost in each other. I need to remind him who we are meant to be together. I need him to remember that he can’t lose me, that I’m more than a friend, that it doesn’t matter if we have the same father.
I turn my head until I can feel the skin of his neck under my lips. I can feel his warmth under my lips, I can smell him so clearly. I press my lips together and let my tongue slide across the skin entrapped there. The familiar salty taste of his skin hurts. I move my mouth up his neck until I have his earlobe in my teeth and my tongue on his flesh. His fingers push into my sides and I know he still feels it, I know he is still affected by me. I move my mouth along his jaw bone then to his lips. I stop when mine are on his. My emotions are becoming too much to handle. It’s too sad, it’s too good. It’s so painful but I want it so much.
“Emily,” he whispers, “don’t… don’t do this to me.” I hear the pain in his voice
“I need you, Danny. Don’t do this to me. Don’t push me aw
ay because you think we are just another tragedy. We aren’t. I love you. You love me too, Danny. Don’t push me away… please. I need you so much.”
“You should have stayed with her,” he says onto my lips. “You should have stayed away from all of this. You could have been happy.”
“No.” I will not let go of him. “You are my only happiness.” I kiss him then without fear. I take his lips in mine and push my tongue into his guarded mouth. He needs to remember. He opens his mouth to me but he doesn’t kiss back. I feel myself falling apart. He is trying to force me away. He’s trying hard to let me go. “Please Danny. I can’t lose you.” I say with my lips still pressed to his.
“Emily, I can’t hurt you. I can’t let you get sucked into this. You’re going to get hurt.”
“Don’t make me go, Danny. You are the only one who can keep me safe from hurt. It only hurts when you don’t love me. Please, Danny.”
He pulls his lips away and rests his forehead on mine. His breathing is labored and I know he’s struggling with his decision but I also know that he is going to let me go.
“It’s going to hurt so bad,” he tells me before pushing his lips back to mine. Relief floods through me as his needy lips take mine. When his tongue pushes past my lips and dives into my mouth it feels so good. I push back just as hard, letting him feel my desperation, my frustration, my relief, my overwhelming need for him.
His kisses are just as hard, just as angry, just as frustrated but they feel so good. He hasn’t touched me in so many days and when his hands push up my shirt and onto my bare back I can’t help it, the tears fall with relief. I need to feel him, his flesh. I find the bottom of his shirt and slide my hands over his throbbing stomach. I wrap my hands around him and hold him tight. I will never, ever let go of him.
Love Is Relative Page 21
