by Erik Swill
It irked him that another guy had such influence over his thoughts and feelings. It made him feel vulnerable. Exposed. Adrian tried to scrub Ketut from his mind as being nothing more than his tour guide. Tomorrow was his last day on Bali, and he would return to Australia and pick up where he left off in the club scene. Maybe there was already a plethora of fresh guys new to the scene back in Brisbane just waiting for him to swoop in and dazzle them for a night or two. Who knew? He had been gone for… days already!
He doubted he would ever see Ketut again after today. The following morning, it would not be Ketut delivering breakfast. The original guy would be back to work. It shouldn’t take his wife two full days to give birth. Paternity leave in Australia was controversial enough. He doubted Indonesia even had social policies that liberal.
“Pura Tanah Lot.”
“Huh?” Adrian wasn’t sure how much of the conversation he had missed or if Ketut was even talking to him. The only reason Adrian had chimed in at all was because Ketut had pointedly made eye contact with him by turning his head nearly a hundred and eighty degrees, taking his eyes off the road for longer than would have been considered safe.
“This is our final stop. The views of this temple at sunset will make you love Bali even more and make you want to come back as soon as you leave.”
Great. Another temple. A discomfort settled over him. Adrian wondered if Balinese people got tired of there being temples everywhere they went. He had had enough of them. Even the ones with statues depicting disembowelment or witches eating babies were not entertaining the second time he saw them. For that, though, he blamed his Catholic upbringing. The party scene in the southern half of the island, while still dotted with temples, at least managed to intersperse bars and clubs between them. But he wouldn’t have met Ketut if he had stayed there.
Ketut parked the bike in the designated area and greeted a few other tour guides standing nearby. Adrian stood behind the motorbike, waiting for him to finish his chat. He wasn’t sure what the big deal was about a temple on the beach. So far the temples had all looked more or less the same.
An elderly woman wearing an assortment of bracelets and necklaces approached him. She had batik sarongs hanging from her shoulder and carried a reticulating basket sold at souvenir shops all over the island. She was a walking tourist market.
“Yes? You buy?”
Adrian didn’t have the energy to deal with her. As he had experienced at every other stop they had made on this tour, anyone who approached you selling tourist paraphernalia would not easily take no for an answer. Nor would they give you a fair price. Usually Ketut would discourage these vendors from pestering them. Adrian disliked bargaining, so he just shook his head and walked off this time, since Ketut was distracted with his friends, leaving the woman calling after him. Like the other vendors, she had not taken the hint. He indicated to Ketut he was going to sit along the edge of the cliff away from the crowds… and more specifically, the souvenir vendors.
As he walked over, he turned his head to view the scene behind him. The parking lot alone was bustling with activity. Vendors paced to and fro, chasing newly arrived buses and vans full of tourists to greet them as soon as the driver opened the door. Sunburned tourists were as numerous as the locals and sauntered around aimlessly until their tour guide pointed them in the right direction.
Ketut was still talking to the other guides. Adrian had no idea what they were saying. Schools in Queensland did offer Indonesian as an elective language subject—Indonesia was their closest neighbor, geographically, at least—but he had never been interested in foreign languages. English was hard enough.
He realized this was a world he would never be a part of on any sort of permanent level. Other than the large number of Australian tourists, it was foreign to him. Everything about it. Even the landscape was like it was out of a picture book. The Gold Coast was nice and had great beaches. But a lot of other locales around the world could make that claim. Here in Bali, there were tiered temples sitting on sea stacks 100 meters off the coast, surrounded by swirling tides and coral reefs. And thousands of tourists all trying to get a good photo of it at the same time. This was not a world he wanted to be a part of for more than a few days. Nice to visit, but not to stay.
There would be no repeat trips to Indonesia in the near future. There would be no repeat fucks or even cuddles with Ketut. Adrian would just have to live with it, like he did with all the other good one-offs he had enjoyed over the years. He would have to write Ketut off as being a hot piece of ass in an exotic locale. The novelty of being in Bali had enhanced his feelings for everything. Going back to Brisbane would put his life back into perspective.
His stomach churned. He didn’t like the thoughts he was having, but it was hard to deny them. There was no way he was going to be able to live in Indonesia. And Australia certainly had a reputation for keeping Indonesian migration numbers under control. It would be equally hard for both of them to make it work just over the visa issue alone. And he’d surprised himself that he had put so much thought into any sort of longer-term fling with Ketut anyhow. That wasn’t the kind of guy he was. He didn’t do relationships. And he certainly wasn’t going to get into a long-distance relationship, if that’s where this encounter would otherwise lead to.
Adrian heard footsteps in the gravel behind him. He turned to check it was Ketut. If one of the vendors had followed him this far away from the crowds, mostly concealed by high grasses, he would be pissed.
“Come and sit with me.” Adrian patted the flat-topped rock next to him, brushing off some of the loose pebbles.
“But the temple? The sun will set soon, and you won’t be able to see it up close.”
“You guys have an amazing culture here. But honestly, I’m all templed out. Why don’t we just look at it from up here… away from the hordes below?”
Ketut smiled and sat down on the ledge. He also brushed off some more of the loose dirt on the flat rock next to him and settled close to Adrian. He put his arm around Adrian’s shoulders and leaned in.
“I wondered how you would like Bali. I guess you didn’t have a very exciting day with all the temples I took you to. I should have taken you to ride an elephant.”
Adrian shrugged. “It’s not that I didn’t like it. I just had… different expectations of how today would go. The temples, at least after the second one, I could have done without. But everything else was fantastic.”
“Fewer temples? Got it. Next time.”
Adrian laughed. “Yes. And you were fantastic. Best tour guide ever. I really enjoyed spending time with you today.”
“Is that so?”
Adrian blushed. He wasn’t used to expressing his feelings so openly, unless it was a smokescreen to help get into someone’s pants. That came easily for him. With Ketut, Adrian was moving into territory he had not ventured into for years. It was simultaneously startling and exciting.
“The sea here is both beautiful and deadly. The color of the water and the temptation to walk out at low tide to the base of the temple… but when the tide comes in and you are left stranded out there, the currents are strong and poisonous sea snakes swim here in large numbers. It’s odd that something so beautiful can also be so deadly. Many people have died here.”
“So it is better to avoid it completely.”
Ketut thought for a moment before answering. “No, Adrian. That makes it all the more important to visit. That people have died to see something so beautiful, so holy, makes this even more special. Sometimes taking a risk can lead to a life-changing experience. Or at least one that you will never forget for the rest of your life. How long will you remember this moment, Adrian? Right here, right now?”
Adrian had been staring into Ketut’s striking eyes as he spoke. There was a depth to him Adrian admired, something he would never have known based solely on their first encounter. For a moment, Adrian wondered how many of the guys who had served as one-off fucks for him over the years also had something more
than a tight ass to offer him. But the thought was short-lived.
Ketut leaned in and pressed his lips lightly against Adrian’s, then pulled back slightly after a brief kiss. Adrian refused to let go. He pushed his face forward to continue what Ketut had started. He wasn’t done. The moment was too immediate to settle for anything less.
Pushed back almost to the ground, Ketut slid his lips off Adrian’s and started to kiss his way to his ear. His pecks on Adrian’s earlobe were having the right effect, as his pants started to tent. Ketut started breathing more heavily.
“Do you want to have me here? Right now?”
It took a second for Adrian to understand what it was he was saying. But once he caught it, his reply was instant.
“God, yes!”
Adrian pushed Ketut all the way down onto the flat rock and climbed atop his body. There were too many simultaneous thrills to register them all. Adrian was making out with the man he had been thinking about all day long. There were thousands of people a few dozen meters away. They were just a few feet away from rolling off the cliff to certain death if they got too carried away. Ketut was right. This was a moment.
But was it the right time? Under the right circumstances? If it was just sex, Adrian could deal with that. And what a thrilling, exhibitionist bout of sex it would be. But he didn’t want to treat this moment as just sex. Just fucking. Ketut noticed as he slowed down his kissing and groping.
“Are you okay, Adrian?”
Adrian pulled off Ketut and looked him in the eyes. “Yeah, of course.” He buried his face in the crook of Ketut’s neck and resumed his nibbling and pecking. But he didn’t sustain his effort. Ketut noticed again.
“Adrian, what is it? Is someone there?”
Ketut tried to turn his head to see if there was anyone peeping on them. From the pinned-down position Adrian had him in, though, it was difficult to move in any direction. But he became more concerned when Adrian didn’t answer or stop him from squirming out from underneath him.
“Adrian?”
“Wah? Oh, no. Nobody is there,” Adrian said before actually checking to see if anyone had been spying on them.
By the time Adrian had finished answering, Ketut had already gotten up and pulled himself out from beneath Adrian’s solid build. They sat quietly, wordlessly acknowledging something was amiss. The sound of the waves hitting the shore below was distant but offered an appropriate soundtrack to the awkward moment. Ketut was first to speak.
“I thought you wanted to.”
“I did. I do.”
“But?”
“But….” Adrian thought. “But I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what? How to fuck? You did a pretty good job earlier,” Ketut jested.
Adrian didn’t respond, lapsing back into silence. Ketut rose to his feet and brushed the sand off his backside. Adrian watched him, wanting to speak but unsure of what to say.
“I think I disturbed your thoughts when I came over. Maybe you still need some time alone. I’ll be over by the—”
“Don’t go, Ketut.” His interruption got Ketut’s attention. But he said nothing else. Adrian could see the look of irritation on Ketut’s face. This was not what he was going for. He wasn’t sure if he actually had the balls to say what he wanted to say and what needed to be said at that moment.
“What is wrong with you? You’re acting all weird all of a sudden.”
Adrian shook his head noncommittally.
“Then? What is it? Don’t just sit there. Tell me.”
“I’m embarrassed,” Adrian blurted out.
Ketut eyed him cautiously, cooling the tone of his previously impatient voice. “Embarrassed? Of what? You had nothing to be embarrassed about earlier today. Are you scared that people will see us? If that’s all, I know a more isolated—”
“I don’t care if anyone sees us.”
“So then embarrassed of what? Body image issues? I’ve seen you naked, remember? What else are you embarrassed about?”
“No, it’s not like that. I’m… embarrassed of what I am thinking. About you. About us.”
Ketut pondered what Adrian meant. “Like a fetish or something?”
Adrian smiled. He didn’t feel any more relaxed in talking with Ketut about his feelings, but he did appreciate that the guy had an open mind. A dirty mind, even.
“Ketut, this isn’t about sex. I mean, well, a little bit. But mostly not. I mean….”
Ketut smiled in return at Adrian’s ramblings. “Are you sad about ‘breaking up’ with me? You don’t know how to tell me? I know you have to go home soon. Tourists come and go. And they always go. That’s the way it works. You don’t have to apologize. We had fun this morning. I thought you wanted to have a bit more fun this evening. But I know this isn’t real. We’re not playing for keeps. We’re just playing for fun. I’m a big boy, Adrian. You won’t break my heart when you leave.”
Ketut smiled warmly at him, seeming to think his words would help relieve what he imagined was burdening Adrian. “Tomorrow, you will move on with your life and so will I.” Adrian could see the moment the tears in his eyes indicated to Ketut he had assumed incorrectly.
Ketut’s words seemed so harsh to Adrian. Yet they rang familiar. All the countless men Adrian had treated as a favorite-toy-for-a-day received a similar excuse about why he was not going to see them again. For Adrian, it was just business as usual. He knew there was no chance for a relationship before even getting the guy in bed. It was not the way he played the game.
To hear Ketut use similar rhetoric against him, though, really put life into perspective. He had chosen to treat the men in his life as evening entertainment without most of them knowing that was all he was willing to offer them. Adrian always felt that the saps who fell in love after the first fuck were among the most pathetic people on the planet. Sure, he reasoned, he was good in bed. But that shouldn’t have been enough for someone to fall head over heels in love with him.
After all, what else did these guys know about him from a few hours of fun? There was the good sex. But other than that, what else? That he could hold his alcohol? That he was a better-than-average dancer? That he had a nice build? That he was handsome?
Now he was the sap. After just one fuck with Ketut, Adrian was hooked. He thought about him all day; he fantasized about all the kinky things they could do; he worried about what he would think of his actions; he dreaded the thought of going away… alone.
And that was the point Ketut hammered home. Adrian would return to Brisbane, and Ketut would stay in Bali. There would be no long-distance relationship. They would not turn into pen pals. Adrian saw that by the day after tomorrow, all they would have together was one amazing fuck and a few nice chats. Nothing more.
Ketut seemed to be okay with that. Moving on and all. Adrian understood he faced a choice as he looked into Ketut’s eyes, which were still searching Adrian’s face for clues as to what he was thinking. Ketut had given him an out. A way to save face. Deny his feelings and keep them to himself. They could go to that isolated place Ketut was talking about, continue their sexing and enjoy the fact that they each had a nice day. Then move on apart from each other.
On the other hand, Adrian still felt a strong connection to Ketut. He disliked that he had gone all sappy over a guy. And he was especially uncomfortable with the thought he may want something more than just sex with him. But for anything to happen, Adrian had to communicate his feelings. Share them with the man he wanted to spend more time with. Share them with the man who just told him he was ready to move on. Adrian knew he would be a fool to open up his true feelings to Ketut.
Using the bottom of his T-shirt, Adrian wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes. He took a deep breath, sucking in a healthy dose of sea air. Adrian then looked up at Ketut and lied.
“It’s just so beautiful here. I’ll be sad to leave Bali. Thank you for bringing me here, Ketut. I’ll remember it forever.”
His eyes darted between looking at Ketut a
nd looking down at the rocks. Aware he probably looked uncomfortable, he focused his gaze on the ancient temple that sat on a sea stack just off the coast. With the sun starting to set in the backdrop, it truly was a beautiful sight. At least that part wasn’t a lie. But Ketut wasn’t entirely convinced.
“You can always come back, you know? Bali will still be here. Tanah Lot will still be here next time.”
Adrian smiled. He knew returning to Bali was highly unlikely. “Sure, so long as you can be my tour guide then.” He shrugged off his earlier unease with the lighthearted comment, hoping to steer things back to normalcy between them.
“I would like that. But it depends when you will come back.”
Adrian raised an eyebrow. “Why is that? You thinking about going into a new line of work or something?”
“Not exactly. I will continue my studies in March. Get my master’s degree. Psychology.”
Adrian felt happily surprised. “That’s cool.” In reality, Adrian didn’t care much for higher education, presuming most of it was completely useless. He snidely figured Ketut would finish his master’s degree in psychology and end up working as a tour guide again. Who actually gets a job after earning a psychology degree, anyway?
Ketut didn’t notice Adrian’s fake interest. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. We’ve been busy talking about other stuff today. I had a few questions, though.”
Adrian shook his head. “I don’t think I can help you out, mate. I never even finished my degree. And I don’t know the first thing about psychology.”
“Oh, that doesn’t matter. I wanted to ask you about Australia.”
“Australia? What about it?”
“Okay.” Ketut straightened his back and squared his body toward Adrian, as if preparing for a formal interview. “How much does it cost to live there? Is it easy to get a part-time job?”
