by Hayden Hunt
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14
Rich
I looked nervously around as I entered my photo classroom for the first time. My anxiety was going through the roof.
It was the first time I was back in the classroom in over a decade. I haven’t been in one since high school, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being very out of place here.
But I couldn’t start doubting myself now. I made my choice, and I made it for a reason. I was absolutely going to stick with it.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t going to be hard, though. I knew I was likely going to be the oldest person in this class. And I probably wasn’t going to find anyone with whom I had anything in common.
I took an empty seat at the front of the class. The back rows were starting to fill up, so the front row was the only place I could grab a seat without having to sit directly next to anyone.
I preferred to be in the front anyway, though. It would be easier to focus on what the professor was saying, and I’d easily be able to ignore any judgmental looks from my classmates.
I was probably overthinking this. I didn’t think it would be very likely that most people here will be total assholes… A man in his early 30’s isn’t that out of character at a community college anyway, right? I was being insecure. I couldn’t be the only person who had fallen down this path.
What a path it was, though. This wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned for myself when I graduated high school.
I really thought I’d had a good plan when I’d graduated. I didn’t go to college like most of my friends, but I’d still had goals. I’d wanted to get an electrician apprenticeship as soon as I had graduated, and I did. I had wanted to make good money doing electrical work, and I do. And I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart and only girlfriend… I did that, too.
Every goal I’d had I had achieved pretty easily, in fact. What I hadn’t predicted was how all those goals were going to drive me to complete and total discontent.
The professor had not yet arrived, and it was still about ten minutes until class officially started. To my dismay, people were still filtering in. It looked like this would be a packed class, which meant I would undoubtedly end up sitting next to someone. I only hoped that it would be someone quiet, focused, who wouldn’t throw any judgment my way.
Of course, that was just too much to ask for. The young man that ended up sitting next to me was nothing short of obnoxious.
When he came in, he was still talking on his phone. Loudly, I might add. I couldn’t help but notice he was a good-looking guy. He looked to be in his mid twenties had a muscular body, and a full face of facial hair. The kind of guy that is usually my type… except it was immediately clear his personality was atrocious.
“No, seriously, stop. I don’t want to hear it anymore,” he said angrily into the phone.
I heard a female voice on the other end, though I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I assumed it was a girlfriend of his.
“Can we not do this right now?” He rolled his eyes as another guy walked in and waved at him. “Yeah, okay, bye.” He hung up the phone, and I could hear that the female on the other line had still been talking. He didn’t seem to care, though. He turned his attention to the guy who just walked in and gave him a quick handshake. I guess it qualified as more of a high five.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” he asked the boy who sat down next to him. They then proceeded to have a rather loud conversation about going to some bar tonight.
Okay, see, this is exactly what I was worried about. I’m not going to be able to relate to younger people in this class. They lead completely different lifestyles. They have different values… and, okay, I’ll admit it.. guys like him seem pretty superficial to me.
I know you can’t judge a book by its cover or whatever, but let’s admit it: we all pass judgment. And I could see this guy’s lifestyle right now. He probably lived in an apartment with a few roommates, had a girlfriend that he argued with all the time, and drank far too much on the weekend.
I had never been that kind of guy. I can’t even say that I’m over the partying stage of my life because, honestly, I never had that stage to begin with. Unlike other guys my age, when I was young, I went straight to settling down. Got myself a job, got engaged, and did what I thought I was supposed to do.
I’m not sure why I was in such a rush to grow up. I think I was really just in a rush to feel differently than I did in high school. I had wanted to feel accomplished and normal. I had wanted to be accepted by the rest of society, and I had been terrified of being an outcast.
Most of that stems from my insecurities about being gay. Even in just the last decade or so, it’s become way more socially acceptable to be homosexual. But when I was in high school, if you were suspected to be gay, you could expect to be endlessly tormented.
I had never wanted that. I had been at odds with myself. I’d done everything I could to deny my sexuality. I grabbed the first girlfriend that I could, Stacy, and I stuck with her all four years of high school.
I did my best to fit in with other boys my age. I got into sports, playing basketball for my school, and I ignored the part of myself that constantly craved creativity.
When I was in elementary school, I had always assumed that I would get a job in the arts. I hadn’t been sure what I’d do yet, I had just known that I was creative. Maybe I’d be a painter, or a poet. But it hadn’t taken long for the world to teach me that those were ‘feminine’ jobs.
So, I took the exact opposite approach after graduation. I went into physical labor, arguably the manliest sector of work there is. And I married Stacy so there would be no doubt that I loved her and was in a happy, straight relationship.
And I really had loved Stacy. She was a great girl, and for many years, I had really managed to convince myself that this was what relationships were supposed to be like. I could be married to her, spend my days happy with her, have kids eventually, and ignore any desire I had for men.
I told myself all men feel this way on some level. I simply liked men because it was taboo, and that’s sexy. I fetishized my homosexuality so that I could cope with being married to be a woman. For a while, that worked. I never had a very passionate relationship, but I was happy enough.
That could only last but so long, though. Slowly but surely, we both ended up extremely dissatisfied in the relationship. I could never be affectionate enough for her, and she had never been male enough for me. She was a great girl, but I couldn’t make myself fall in love with her. We had both known that.
It took us many years of unhappiness to reach that point, but I finally did accept that I was gay a few years ago. I divorced Stacy amicably (at least, as amicably as any divorce can be) and we still talk occasionally, but mostly we’ve moved on with our own lives. She’s dating, I’m dating, and I’m happy.
Okay, well, I’m happier than I was in my marriage. I’m still pretty lost and confused about things, but I’m doing my best to figure it out… I’m trying to revamp my entire life. I want to live authentically, for the first time.
Taking this class is part of that. I’m still dong electrical work, of course, because I need to pay my bills, but I’ve been really hoping to get out of it at some point. I’m never going to be truly happy doing electrical work. And, at this point in my life, I’m all about doing what makes me happy.
If that means taking night classes to explore a new interest of mine, bring it on… even if I do have to be worried about other students judging me for being too old.
Ten minutes later the professor showed up, right on time. She was a serious looking older woman. She kept her gray hair pinned in a loose bun on top of her h
ead. She didn’t smile when she walked in.
“Hello, class, my name is Professor Bingsley. Welcome to Introduction to Film Photography.”
As soon as she said that, a lot of my anxiety disappeared and was replaced with excitement. I was finally doing it: I was finally taking a photography class.
I’ve been interested in photography in a long time. And I’m a hobbyist, I suppose. I have a nice DSLR camera that I bought and I take pictures, which I often get complimented on, but I have no formal training. It’s just me pointing a camera at things I like.
And you can’t build a photography business on that, which is what I eventually hope to do. I plan to take all the photography classes the college has to offer, from film to digital, and then some business classes. You don’t need a formal degree to do photography, but you do need to actually know what you’re doing. Which I really don’t.
Everything I read online said that a photographer should absolutely learn film before they seriously delve into digital photography. From what I can gather, learning on film helps you develop a better sense of the fundamentals. With digital, the camera does all the work for you. But with film, you’re actually working with light and time.
I was pretty excited about it. I’d done a lot of research about it prior to the class. I had even played around with my new film camera… just one roll of film, though. Since I couldn’t develop it until class started, I wanted to see if I had totally screwed up before I used any more film, which is surprisingly expensive.
“In this class, there will be no easy way out,” she continued, in a serious tone. “I assume you all have your course materials already, including your film and cameras. I’ve instructed you via email to bring them to class. That’s because I want you all to learn how to use your cameras manually. Even if your camera has an auto setting, you will not be using it in this course. You will manually focus, and you will learn how to use your light meters and adjust your aperture and shutter speed accordingly. Please grab your cameras now so you can follow along and ask questions as I go through the lecture.”
She hopped on her laptop and pulled up a power point presentation. I was thrilled to discover that in my research prior to the class, I had taught myself most of the basics she was covering.
I already understood aperture: opening or closing it affects the amount of light that’s let into the camera. It also determines how much of your image is in focus. The lower the aperture, the less the image is focused. The higher the aperture, the more sharp the picture will be.
And I’d already taught myself how to light meter when combining the aperture with the shutter speed. Which also determines how sharp a photo is, but only because if a shutter speed is too slow, then the tremble of your hand is enough to cause the photo to be blurry. Faster is always better, but sometime there isn’t enough light to allow that.
As we hit these points, she used her own camera to instruct us on how to adjust these things. Obviously I already knew, but I followed along anyway. I couldn’t help but notice that the boy next to me was struggling a bit. I did my best not to make eye contact. I was afraid if I did, he’d stop and ask me to help him.
“Now, easily the biggest mistake I’ve seen students make is adjusting film speed. If you do not adjust the film speed correctly on your camera, you will be unable to meter your light correctly.” Professor Bingsley continued. “We will all be starting off with 400 speed film. So I am going to have you all adjust your camera’s film speed to 400 right now.”
I saw a girl behind me raise her hand from the corner of my eye.
“Yes.” Professor Bingsley nodded to her.
“Is 400 speed the best film speed?”
The professor shook her head. “No, it’s actually rather grainy, but it allows more room for light error. You will be able to take photos in lower light situations in comparison to the higher film speeds. The higher film requires more light, but is less grainy and generally yields better results. While we’re learning, though, 400 will be ideal. Now, everyone look for the film speed adjustment on your cameras.”
Again, the boy next to me looked completely lost. The professor was walking around the room, peeking over people’s shoulders to make sure they were adjusting correctly. I didn’t bother with this part, I’d already set it to 400 with my last roll of film.
The boy glanced over his shoulder to see where the professor was standing and when he did, he caught my eye.
Dammit.
“Hey, do you get this?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah, here,” I said, stretching my hand out for his camera.
I don’t know why I was so hesitant to help the guy. I guess because he had made such a crappy impression at first glance. Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way.
But I should try to make friends in this class anyway. It’ll be helpful if I ever have to miss a class or stay at home sick or anything. And making friends meant I needed to not be an asshole.
His camera was very familiar to mine, so I had no problem finding where to adjust the film speed.
“Here, see this little wheel?” I asked. He nodded. “Just turn it until it says 400, basically. It’ll click right into place at every new speed. “
“Oh, sweet!” he said excitedly. “Thanks so much, man.” He grinned.
Even his enthusiasm annoyed me a bit. I was being way too cynical, though. But I couldn’t help it. I was a natural introvert, and people that were too outgoing always threw me for a loop.
“Hey, what’s your name?” he asked.
“Richard,” I answered. “Most people call me Rich, though.”
“Nice to meet you, Rich.” He extended his hand, and I didn’t know whether to shake it or do that weird high five thing he did with the other guy. I went in for the shake to be safe. “My name’s Patrick,” he said.
“Nice to meet you.” I nodded after releasing his hand, hoping this would be the end of the conversation.
It was not.
“You into photography?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said slowly. “I’ve never done film before, though.”
“Yeah, man, me fucking either.” He rolled his eyes. “I have to take three film classes to finish my fucking major, though. I can already see this class is going to suck balls.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said shortly, not sure what else to say.
I vehemently disagreed with him. I thought this class was incredibly interesting. And I couldn’t help but think that he wasn’t interested because he was already finding it difficult just to figure out his camera.
Typical, he seemed like the kind of guy that would be easily frustrated at anything that didn’t come easily to him. Okay, I’m super generalizing, but he really did come off as lazy and superficial to me.
I wonder what he’s majoring in that requires him to take all the film photography classes, though? It had to be photo, right? Or maybe another art major. But if he’s that interested in photography, why is he finding it so difficult to figure out his camera?
Okay, I’m probably being too harsh there. These cameras were wildly different from the digital cameras you buy today. Still, you’d think if he was a photography major he’d at least feign interest.
“Anyone who still hasn’t got it figured out?” the professor asked as she made her way back up to the front of the classroom.
There was no answer, so she continued with the next part of her lesson.
“Perfect. Now, we’re almost finished up for today. The last thing I need you all to do is load up your camera with its first roll of film. I’m having you do this in class because this is the second most common mistake students make. They don’t properly attach their roll the first time they load it. I’m going to play a short video that demonstrates what to do.”
I got a little nervous before she played the video. Had I loaded mine up right? But once I saw the guy on the video do it, I knew that I had. He made it a point to say that if you do it correctly, you’ll feel a little pressure when you pu
ll the lever that advances the film to the next shot. There was definitely a pull on mine. I specifically remember on the last picture of my roll, my lever had refused to move any farther, which is how I knew I’d finished it.
After the video ended, she proceeded to walk around the room to make sure everyone was doing it correctly. Of course, Patrick couldn’t figure this out either and once again turned to me to help him. Which I did, begrudgingly.
“Okay, it seems that everyone has got hang of it,” the professor said as she made her way back to the front of the classroom. “Now, your homework assignment is to shoot that roll of film. During the next class, we will be learning how to develop it. Make sure that you do not open the back of your camera back up until after you return to the next class. I will be teaching you how to rewind your film. If you don’t rewind it, your entire roll of film will be ruined. Don’t make that mistake. I’ll see you on Thursday.”
Even though I didn’t actually learn anything, it was a pretty fun first class. It got me excited, and I couldn’t wait to develop the roll of film I’d already shot. And this class had me feeling a lot more confident in my ability to succeed.
“Hey, Rich!” I heard a voice call behind me as I walked out of the class. Dammit, it was that Patrick kid again. I was sure that I had rid myself of him once class had ended but apparently not.
“Yeah?” I turned around to him.
“Thanks again for helping me out back there, bro. You’re a life saver.”
“Oh, yeah, no problem,” I answered as I continued walking.
“Hey, some of us are gonna go grab a drink tonight, you wanna tag along?”
No, I didn’t, at all.
Funny, before this class started I thought that I was going to have a problem making friends. Now I found myself annoyed that one of my fellow students actually wanted to hang out with me.
“No, I’m not much of a drinker, thanks, I said shortly. “See you at the next class.”
I started walking in the other direction immediately, not giving him much opportunity to talk me into it.
“Oh, okay, see ya!” he said in a voice that was still overly positive, but I could tell by his body language that he felt snubbed.
