by Dom Price
“Laura, drop whatever you are doing and get a cab over to Guiseppe’s Cafe now. I’m sat at the back. Bring your creativity with you. Dave.”
“Hey, I’ve ordered us both a coffee Sir. Are you OK? You look very distracted?”
Laura was showing a whole new level of confidence around Dave, and he was really starting to appreciate it. He noticed new things about her. The contours of her face and the perfection with which her entire outfit and daily look was meticulously complete. In many ways, he could draw parallels between their lives which had taken such disparate routes. Laura excelled at looking amazing, always smiling and continually delivering. Dave felt momentarily relieved that he’d chosen to excel in areas that were far more profitable in life. Still, she was a good girl, and he was glad that he had her to assist.
“Yeah, great idea on the coffee. So to fill you in. My brother in law Tony came around the other day and I talked him through what you’d said over lunch, and explained that Phase 1 of my 3 pronged plan had failed. Over a few beers and some hardcore brainstorming, we came up with a plan for Phase 2 and well...here it is.”
Dave span his laptop around, and had his hands free just in time to catch Laura’s jaw and it dropped sharply.
“You? On there...for that? But...”. To say confusion was all over Laura’s face would be an understatement of epic proportions.
“But...”
“Laura look. It is simple. I have taken on board everything that you said, and I talk to you now as a friend, not as your boss. We both deserve this promotion and I’m going to do everything in my power to get it for us. Now whilst I wasn’t exactly enthused by this particular path originally, it seems to be bearing fruit and it makes sense for me to go for the low hanging fruit. I’ve already dismissed those that didn’t appear suitable and I was left with four, but there is a problem. Read this.”
Dave showed Laura his reply to the first message. Her eyes didn’t leave the screen and Dave could track her progress like watching the crowd at Wimbledon. Left to right, left to right, left to right. Pause. Laura covered her eyes with her hands.
After a few seconds, a crevice opened between her fingers and her eyes made contact with a slightly dejected Dave. She’d never seen him like this. His mellowing was in turn making her warm to him. She wasn’t sure if this was one of his amazing acts where he spins a yarn to get what he wants, but if it was he should be an actor not a consultant.
“Did you actually send that? Please say NO? Please” muttered Laura quietly, trying her hardest to hold back the sniggers. Suddenly, as Dave casually nodded in acknowledgement, the snorting noise exuded from her nose and she couldn’t hold back the laughter any more. The harder she tried, the higher pitched the noise became.
“Sorry”, sniggered Laura. Her attempts to be calm were having the opposite effect. Luckily, the hideousness of the noise emanating from her face had set Dave off chuckling.
“That’s not exactly what I’d call flirting Sir. In fact, it is more formal than most of our client communications. Do you mind if I copy, cut and paste that, as I might be able to use it in some of our legal documents?”
“Exactly. Now look, it’s not that I can’t do this. I am just out of practice. I assume it’s like getting back on a bike. I just need you to be my stabilisers. Maybe a little assistance and advice. Some proof reading. A little word selection. Let’s just say that in this case you’ve probably ridden more than me?”
Laura’s face exploded, and she barely managed to keep her sip of hot coffee from being shot across the cafe.
“OH NO, I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT” yelled Dave, suddenly trying to back track. His face was glowing like a December fire in a country pub, and he had nowhere to go.
“Sir, it is fine. I know exactly what you meant.” Laura reached over and touched his arm, using a tactic that Dave used so often to get someone’s undivided attention. “We can fix this, so just do me a favour and relax, OK?”
A quick nod from Dave, and Laura took full control of the situation, spinning the laptop around and navigating with seamless technique. Dave didn’t question, query or quiz. He sipped on his coffee and for a very brief moment, felt fortunate to have Laura in his life. His mind meandered through a few topics and he thought about Laura. Maybe he’d get her a new Dictaphone as a treat. Show his appreciation. Flowers are all well and good, but they don’t last and you don’t get good bang for your buck. A new Dictaphone however, would last, and would make her more efficient at her job, therefore making her happier. Job done.
“Job done!” Laura span the machine back around, with a massive and unmistakable smile of complete satisfaction on her face. Dave hadn’t seen that look since...well since a long time.
“That is uncanny. I was just saying those exact words in my head. So, what do we need to do about replying to these messages? We need to get this right Laura.”
“Well Sir, ‘we’ just did. ‘We’ just replied to the three remaining ladies, and ‘we’ flirted with the expertise of a seasoned veteran, but with the subtlety of a novice and the charm of a genuinely genuine man. I put your mobile number on each of them, and I’d put next week’s spray tan money on your getting a date by the end of the day.”
“But...I thought you could teach me? I mean remind me?”
“Sir, no offence, but if your need is as great as you make out, we need to cut through the red tape. To quote you, “I’ve been riding a lot longer”, so we’ve just cut out of the middle man. All your need to do now is maintain it. If...I mean WHEN, they call, just be yourself and secure a date just like you’d secure a meeting with a client. I’ve lit the touch paper, just don’t wet it and put it out.”
Their eyes met with excited anticipation as Dave’s phone started ringing and vibrating on the metal table in the coffee shop. In fact, their combined pause was such that the entire cafe was aware of the incoming call before any call to action was discussed.
“What should I do?” Like all men in unchartered waters, Dave had forgotten the basics in life. Laura was on side to help.
“What do you normally do when your phone rings Sir? It does ring about 100 times a day, so I’m sure you know this one? Do you want to go 50/50? Ask the audience maybe?”
Dave grabbed the phone and stared at it for a second, hoping for the inspiration that appeared to have departed his body for good. It was as if this was the very first time any living man had seen a mobile phone, and Dave’s view of this alien form wasn’t convincing. Then he saw it. Those two immortal words.
“PRIVATE NUMBER!” Dave thrust the phone into Laura’s view to get a second opinion on this amazing discovery.
“Answer it then.”
Dave cleared his throat like a tenor preparing for the arrival of the orchestra, and put the phone to his ear. He mustered up his most seductive voice and hit the button to reveal the first step in his new destiny.
“Hello....this is Dave...how can I help YOU?” The gravel in his voice and huskiness with which he spoke, was as disturbing as it was surprising to Laura. He sounded more like one of those anonymous prank callers who want to know if you are wearing any underwear, but this was early days on a steep learning curve, and she knew she couldn’t dent Dave’s now fragile confidence.
“Oh Peter. Yes hi, this is Dave. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Obviously. I mean. Ermmm.” Dave glared at Laura. There was no snigger this time, at least not from Laura or Dave.
“For a minute there, I thought you were going to ask me if I was wearing any underwear. Anyway look, just wanted to call to say that your chap Eric is going great guns, and the board have just given me the approval to extend the project for another 2 months. We might even need another few people, but I’ll chat to you later about that. Is everything OK?”
The vital few seconds had given Dave a chance to change back into his super-hero outfit. The cape and the mask covered his shame and embarrassment, and he was a businessman again. “Peter, that is excellent news. Our staff love working with
you and your team, and I’m ecstatic that your board believe in our product. I’ll give you a call later to sort out the formalities, and thanks so much for the call. I’ll let you get on. Thanks again.”
The calm and precise placing of the phone back onto the table, shot a thousand volts of fear through Laura. Melting Dave had been replaced by ruthless Mr Marsdon.
“Have you made any progress with Food United Group?”
“Erm no Sir. Was that Peter from Barker Constructions?”
“Yes it was. I suggest you get back to the office ASAP as we need to get some traction with Food Group before our positions are no longer tenable. I’ll be contactable on the phone if you need me, but won’t be in the office for the rest of the day. Let’s meet at 6.30am tomorrow to discuss our strategy for Food Group. I’ll get the coffees.”
“But...”
“Thank you Laura. That is all for now.”
A contract extension like that with such a normally tough client was usually cause for celebration, but not on this occasion. Given the pressure Dave was under, Laura didn’t say another word. By the time Dave had closed the internet screens down on his laptop, she was in a cab on the way back to the office.
***
Chapter Date versus Meeting
***
Within 24 hours of the coffee shop debacle, Dave realised that he owed Laura an apology he knew he could never deliver. Dave didn’t like making mistakes, let alone admitting to them. In his rationalising mind, it was as likely that his profile did the ground work to achieve responses from these women and not the dulcet words that Laura constructed on his behalf. His blackberry was on overdrive and Dave was close to securing dates with each of the 3 finalists from the dating website.
Lady number one, Helen, was cautious. She wasn’t exactly easy to extract information from, and Dave had already got a little frustrated with her brief answers. In a workshop, he would take on all comers and some stalwarts of the boardroom, and they would turn into putty. But so far after numerous text messages and e-mails, all he’d managed to work out was that they were a similar age and had similar interests. On reflection, he’d told her way more than he’d planned too to make up for her silence, but still little was forthcoming.
The more Dave read her profile, the more indifferent he got to her and interest was quickly diminishing. Her act of the dangling carrot had caught Dave’s eye initially and intrigued him, but boredom was settling in. As his gourmet 2 hat microwave meal hit halfway, the phone rang and Dave answered it instinctively.
An hour later, his premium prepared microwave meal was shrivelled up like a dehydrated granny sunbathing on the beach, and his ear was warm and moist from the constant attention of the phone. Helen’s background as a lawyer meant that they shared an instant topic of understanding, and much of their conversation centred on their varying corporate wrangles, and the challenges of meeting people in such circumstances. Taking Laura’s advice, Dave was playing the role and assumed the persona of a bachelor who had put work before relationships over the last few years, but who was now looking for something else from life and some companionship. Tony had also agreed that this angle was safe, and Dave certainly wasn’t going to put up any arguments for fear of having to reveal the truth.
The fact that at no point did the conversation seem like anything other than a casual conversation with a client, warmed Dave into a new level of confidence. Like any man with good cards, Dave decided to chance his hand and make the call.
“So whilst I love chatting to you on the phone, maybe we should catch up face to face. I mean, you can tell by this chat that I am not a monster, so what do you think?”
Dave would have patted himself on the back if he’d needed the re-assurance. It was a great line and served the ball firmly into Helen’s court. Lawyers were good talkers, but as a consultant, he knew he had an edge over her.
With so much in common and with some seamless and easy conversation, Dave was sure that he’d planted his line at the most opportune moment, and was about to seal the deal. This was his forte. Who needed flirting, when there was a client and a deal to be closed. Business and relationships were no different, and in a matter of days, Dave would be able to prove that to everyone and finally remove his mask.
“I think that is a good idea, but do you mind if we chat some more before we confirm anything?”
“Not a problem. I’m all ears.” Dave thought he’d done a good job of hiding his disappointment. He’d always performed better as a face-to-face man, where he could observe body language, critique reactions and go for the kill at the optimum moment. Chatting on the phone was a little too one dimensional for one as dynamic as he. Dave was falling behind on his nightly schedule and the grumble from his stomach was a timely reminder that he’d not eaten. He couldn’t pull the plug on Helen as the first hurdle was nearly dealt with, but Dave made a mental note to work out a way to chat and perform other tasks, otherwise he’d run out of hours in the day.
“Are you OK to chat some more David?”
“Yeah, but there aren’t many other things in life that I can outsource, so we’ll have to get on with it.” Bollocks! My bloody inner monologue could have just cost me a date!!
“Oh I love your dry sense of humour. It’s so refreshing.”
Dave breathed a sigh of relief and allowed himself a smirk at how such a brain fart could be classed as banter. He really didn’t have a clue about this courtship game. The rules seemed all wrong for starters. Time to close.
“Look Helen, in all honesty, I have a stupid amount of work to do before tomorrow with presentations, workshops and some sales meetings. I’d obviously love to chat some more, but I really should crack on. It’s been really nice talking to you, so when did you say you wanted to catch up?”
It was an old trick. Presumption was a great way of getting what you wanted. When business flirting, if Dave saw someone in a room who he wanted to talk too, he’d merely sidle into their conversation and then when they least expect it, throw in a “sorry, what did you say your name was?” The fact that the person hadn’t yet revealed their name was immaterial, and it usually got results. Dave certainly banked on it working on a lawyer. Technically amazing, and great earning potential, but not as good at lateral thinking as a consulting guru.
“Well, it might be a bit tricky. I am really keen. In fact I was a bit surprised by your message yesterday as it was quite forward compared to your profile, and I thought you were one of those fake people. You know, the ones who seem really nice and then they turn out to be workaholic emotional retards with no perspective on life apart from being wholeheartedly selfish. You know, the type that are governed by their pockets and impressed by their bank accounts.”
Dave greeted Helen’s words with a stunned silence. He looked around the room for ideas, but he was stuck. Was she joking? Was she being ironic? Did she mean that is what she knew he was and that was what she wanted? Too many thoughts and no clear conclusions.
“Anyway, now we’ve chatted my mind is at ease. So yes to catching up face to face, but unfortunately I am away with business in the US for the next 4 weeks working on a major client transaction, so it’s a good job you are such a great communicator, as its going to be telephone and e-mail for the next month. Still, it gives us something to look forward to?”
More silence from Dave. This time, it wasn’t confusion, but chronology. Flicking through his online calendar and doing this simple maths, the awful answer was staring right at him.
“David, are you still there? Is it something I said?”
Helen had seemed lovely for the last 2 hours, but the evidence was there for all to see and it couldn’t be altered, tampered or fixed.
“Well that is 2 hours I’m never going to get back?” Shaking his head, and wanting to rewind the words, Dave was abundantly aware that his inner monologue had come out a little too loud again, and that this one couldn’t be chalked down to a ‘dry sense of humour’.
“What are you saying? If
I won’t sleep with you in the next month that you aren’t interested? Are you one of those sex addicts? I’ve read about them you know. You are sick. I thought you were different. You seemed nice and interesting. Like minded. I can’t believe that you have just lost interest in me because I won’t put out in the next month. What do you normally do eh? Pay for it? I bet you do. I bet you take your hard earned cash and splash it down the red light district. You dirty little...”
“LOOK!” Dave yelled and it halted Helen just as her blood vessels were about to irreversibly explode. “I could explain, but you wouldn’t believe me. I am not any of those things. There is just a situation, and you not being around for the next 4 weeks makes it a bit of a deal breaker. In fact a lot of a deal breaker. I am sorry Helen. Good luck.”
Dave turned his phone off and slouched. He’d learnt several things from his elongated chat with Helen. Most importantly, he’d learnt that time wasn’t on his side and the expected realisation that women were far more complex beasts than clients.
3 was 2, and now the odds were reducing. Dave opened his laptop and decided that the only way to catch a fish was to cast your rod. Opening up the site, he checked the latest two messages from the remaining ladies. One of them, Maria, was showing as online.
Treating himself to a large glass of port to wash down the disappointment of the wasted venture with Helen, Dave was determined to secure a woman, and to do so before his promotion opportunity had gone up in smoke. The new partners were being announced in just less than 4 weeks. He just needed a Helen who was in town so that he could parade her in front of Big Nick and the others.
Maria’s profile certainly appealed and Dave was about to sit back and plan his attack, when he heard some pearls of wisdom from Laura ‘over-thinking is a big enemy of flirting. Sometimes it’s best just to say exactly what is on your mind.’ She’d been right.