by Nikki Ash
Marco
6
October 23rd
Dear Bella,
I miss you. That is all.
Marco
7
October 24th
Dear Bella,
I met with my counselor today. Her name is Ingrid and she’s like a therapist. She asked me about my life but I left you out. I told her about my mom, my life growing up, Caleb and Hayley, Chloe and Mackenzie. I even told her about fighting. But I didn’t mention you. Maybe I’m just not ready to share you with her… or maybe it’s time I let you go.
Marco
8
October 25th
Dear Bella,
I met a man name David today in group therapy. He confessed to hitting his wife while high and it made me think of how I treated you the last time I saw you. The fear in your eyes when I yelled at you and told you, you were dead to me. I’m glad Tristan was there. I’m glad he’s there for you. Watching David talk about how he treated his wife before she filed for divorce, I’m glad you walked away. Fuck! That’s a lot of “glads”.
Marco
9
October 26th
Dear Bella,
I miss you. So damn much.
Marco
10
October 27th
Dear Bella,
Today sucked. I met with the doctor and we discussed treatment for my back. I told him I’m done fighting so it doesn’t matter but he insisted. I guess I’m going to see a chiropractor since drugs are not an option. It made me think about you fighting… or not. Don’t give up fighting, Bella. Once you have the baby, go back to it. Me, getting a championship and you not getting one isn’t right. You deserve it more than me. But when you win, don’t celebrate. Go home and be with your family. Celebrating cost me my best friend… hell, in a way it cost me a few. Logan, you, Tristan. Ok, this is getting depressing now.
Marco
11
October 28th
Dear Bella,
I take back what I said yesterday. Celebrate! You aren’t tainted like I am. When you win that championship, celebrate the fuck out of that win. You deserve to celebrate all of your hard work.
Marco
12
October 29th
Dear Bella,
I can’t stop thinking about you winning and celebrating and me not being there. I know it’s for the best but fuck, I miss you. Damn, I sound like a baby right now. You haven’t even fought or won…
Marco
13
October 30th
Dear Bella,
I met a woman in group therapy today that is pregnant. She came in so she can get better for her baby. She cried and said she’s scared her baby will be affected by the drugs she already did. I wonder if my mom would have gone to rehab if she would still be alive. Thank you for taking care of the baby. Thank you for not putting him in harm’s way.
Marco
14
October 31st
Dear Bella,
Happy Halloween! My mom called me today (My first call I accepted since being in here). Mackenzie and Chloe wanted to say hi and tell me about their Halloween party they are having. When the hell did my sisters grow up? Chloe is a witch and Mackenzie is a bottle of ketchup. It reminded me of the year you wanted to fit in and decided to be a cheerleader for Halloween. Your mom must have yelled at you a hundred times to close your legs because you kept forgetting you had a skirt on. And of course, the costume was bright pink and white! By the end of the night, you were going through your gym bag and putting on your workout outfit and saying you were a fighter. Good times.
Marco
15
November 1st
Dear Bella,
I met with Ingrid again today. We were supposed to meet yesterday but she was off to take her son trick-or-treating. She showed me a picture of him. He was buzz lightyear from Toy Story. It made me think about what our your child will be for Halloween. Make sure you take lots of pictures. I don’t have any pictures from my childhood. What am I saying? Of course, you will. With you and Tristan as his parents, the kid will never lack for anything.
Marco
16
November 2nd
Dear Bella,
I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are happy.
Marco
17
November 3rd
Dear Bella,
Today was rough and it had me thinking about you a lot. Group therapy sucked. I didn’t feel like talking but I did anyway because I’m lonely. I know I did this to myself but it’s still hard. I’ll never take my family and friends for granted again.
Marco
18
November 4th
Dear Bella,
I miss you. Always.
Marco
19
November 5th
Deal Bella,
I’m pretty sure I miss you more today than I did yesterday and I have a feeling I will miss you even more tomorrow.
Marco
20
November 6th
Dear Bella,
I was right. I am missing you more today. I think I’m going to tell Ingrid about you tomorrow at my appointment.
Marco
21
November 7th
Dear Bella,
I didn’t tell Ingrid about you. I wanted to but then I would have had to tell her everything. The good. The bad. The fucking ugly. But if I don’t tell her, I can just pretend it was all good. Only, it doesn’t really work that way. Because even if the words aren’t spoken, I still know them to be true. I fucked us up. The bad and the ugly overpowered the good.
Marco
22
November 8th
Dear Bella,
I called the hospital today to check on Logan and he’s still in the same condition he’s been in. I hate that. I hate that he’s in a coma. I wish it was me in the coma. I would trade places with him. I swear I would. If he wasn’t in a coma he wouldn’t be fucking up like I am. He deserves to be healthy. I deserve to be in the coma.
Marco
23
November 9th
Dear Bella,
It’s been 30 days since I’ve been in here. I’m 30 days drug free. I guess that’s a huge accomplishment. But it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I fucked up and I’m only thirty days drug free. I have a long way to go.
Marco
24
November 10th
Dear Bella,
I spoke to my parents and they said they are coming to visit. They didn’t bring you up and I didn’t want to ask. I often think about what will happen when I get out of here. How will we deal with family functions? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Maybe I will leave. Move across the country and start over. You deserve to be free of me.
Marco
25
November 11th
Dear Bella,
My heart hurts when I think about never seeing you again. But I know it’s all my fault. I did this to myself. I hope one day you can forgive me.
Marco
26
November 12th
Dear Bella,
I was thinking a lot about you today. I’m eating the food here and while it isn’t too bad, it isn’t really good either. It made me think about the time you made us dinner. You must have been what? 14, I think. And I had told you I never had snow crabs before. You couldn’t believe it, so you made your mom go to the store and pick us up snow crabs, baked potatoes and clam chowder. She helped you cook it all. It was the first time someone did something for me just because. Hayley and Caleb have always done for me and I’m not devaluing that but they also took on being my parents. You are the first person who did it, just because. That was probably my favorite meal and not just because it tasted good but because it came from you.
Marco
27
November 13th
Dear Bella,
I hate Tristan. Ok, maybe I don’t
but I really, really want to. My dad called to confirm their trip today and he mentioned Tristan taking responsibility for his baby. I wanted to yell and scream and say it’s not his. It’s my baby! But then I thought about what he’s doing, what he’s giving up. Does he know I’m the dad? I think back to the day I came into your apartment pissed and high. He didn’t look like he knew. Everyone seems to think you guys are together. I hope you’re not.
Marco
27
November 14th
Dear Bella,
I’m sorry for yesterday. Fuck! This is what my life has come to. Apologizing in letters, for a letter I wrote and didn’t send. I know I have no right to be mad at Tristan but I hate the thought of you two together. Fuck, there I go again. Never mind, I’m sticking to my original letter. I hope you aren’t together.
Marco
PS. I didn’t tell Ingrid about you.
28
November 15th
Dear Bella,
I miss you so damn much. Today, I played cards with this guy who is back in rehab for the third time. I don’t think I could handle coming back here again. All I want is to be out of here. I fucked up so damn bad.
Marco
29
November 16th
Dear Bella,
How are you doing? If my calculations are correct, you are roughly 6 months pregnant. I wonder if you know the sex of the baby. If she’s a girl, I hope she looks just like you. Your wavy brown hair and button nose. I hope she has for soft brown eyes. I hope she has nothing of me. She should be all you. Your warm and selfless heart. I took your heart for granted, Belles. I’m sorry. I hope she has your strength. You are one of the strongest people I know. I just really hope she’s all you.
Marco
30
November 17th
Dear Bella,
Today I woke up and ate breakfast and thought about your obsession with eating apples for breakfast. I wondered if you still love apples or if you have moved on to another food. I read a romance novel from the bookshelf because I couldn’t find anything else to read. Is this the crap you woman all read? Because I have to tell you, those sex scenes… Well Belles, they aren’t exactly realistic. I think you should put down the romance novels and switch to mystery. But that’s just my opinion. After reading the book, I had dinner and now I’m writing you. I wonder what you’re doing right now. Who you’re with. If you’re happy. I hope you’re happy, Belles.
Marco
31
November 18th
Dear Bella,
My dad called today and while we were talking he let it slip you are having a little girl. I guess I better stop referring to her as a he. Damn, a little mini-you. I hope she has your brown eyes and soft brown hair. I hope she has your sass and attitude and determination. I hope she’s all you and none of me. I can picture her now, running around your dad’s gym and thinking she’s one of the guys.
Marco
32
November 19th
Dear Bella,
I hate this place! I hate being here. I hate talking to the counselors and sitting in these groups. I want to get out of here. Fuck! I just hate this.
Marco
33
November 20th
Dear Bella,
In case you didn’t notice from the letter yesterday, it was a bad day. I’m going to tell Ingrid about you tomorrow. I need someone to talk to and I can’t put my parents in that situation. It’s not fair to them.
Marco
34
November 21st
Bella,
So, I did it. I told Ingrid everything. I told her about our first kiss at Red Rock. I told her how I moved to get away from you. I told her about our second kiss at Brandon’s party. The night I made love to you in Colorado. I told her about our friendship and how I pushed you away. I told her I’m the baby’s father and I told her all the horrible shit I said to you. She said I need to think about where I want to go from here. Can I live with this secret? I need to think on it.
Marco
35
November 22nd
Bella,
My parents, Chloe and Mackenzie are here for Thanksgiving. Those of us allowed to have visitors, attend a dinner with our family or whoever shows up. I hate that my family has to be here, at a fucking rehab facility for Thanksgiving because of me. It makes me see how bad I fucked up and how my actions affect others. I asked how you were doing and my mom gave me a side-eye. I think she has her suspicions. I didn’t confirm or deny. I need to think about this.
Marco
36
November 23rd
Bella,
I hope you are having a good Thanksgiving. I imagine you with our family and friends. Our moms cooking a feast and our dads watching sports, trying to steal bites of food. I wish I was there… I hate that I’m not there because I know how much it hurts my mom when I miss holidays like today. Hopefully next year will be different.
Marco
37
November 24th
Bella,
I had a dream about you last night. You were laying in bed and holding our daughter. You were smiling and as I watched as an outsider, I saw Tristan walk into the room and lay down next you and our little girl. Maybe it’s a sign I need to let you be happy.
Marco
38
November 25th
Bella,
I meet with Ingrid in 2 days and while I have thought about us, I haven’t thought about it the way she wants me to. So, I am going to make a pro/con list to decide if I should tell the truth about being the dad.
Be back tomorrow.
Marco
39
November 26th
Bella,
The pro/con list isn’t going as planned. I feel like I need several lists.
Would I make a good dad?
Would Tristan make a better dad?
Should I make it known I’m the dad?
Should I insist we raise the baby together?
Should we be together?
Then I feel like I’m making a lot of decisions that are out of my control. Decisions we should be making together. But that leads back to the questions above. It’s like a never-ending cycle of questions.
Marco
40
November 27th
Bella,
I thought about calling you today. I picked up the phone and went to dial your number and then realized I don’t know it by heart. It’s probably for the best. What would I say? “Hey Bella. I know I’m the dad. Oh and btw I’m in rehab. Sorry about telling you, you’re dead to me. Can I be the dad?”
Ok, now I need to think about that last part.
Marco
41
November 28th
Bella,
So, I met with Ingrid and told her about my questions. She gave me a list of questions to consider. The first thing I need to think about is if I want to be this baby’s father. And it kind of made me feel like a piece-of-shit. I knocked you up and while you are dealing with it, I’m getting to decide if I want to be this kid’s father. Meanwhile, Tristan stepped up and took responsibility. I shouldn’t have a choice. You and I created this baby. She is my responsibility. So, I have decided I am going to take responsibility once I get out of here.
Marco
42
November 29th
Bella,
Next question: Once I make it known I am the biological father, the next question is, do I want to be the dad. I’ve been thinking about this question. At first, I thought I shouldn’t have a choice but the truth is, I do have a choice. People give their children up for adoption all the time. I used to wish my mom would have given Chloe and me up for adoption. I hate that she had to overdose before we were adopted. My answer to this question is that I want to be her dad. I know I fucked up but I’m clean and I want to be in her life.
Marco
43
November 30th
Bella,
N
ext question: What do I want from you? This is one of those questions, I feel like needs to be your decision as well but when I went by Ingrid’s office to talk to her quickly about it, she said it’s important I make my decision based on how I feel and what I want. You might disagree and there’s a good chance I won’t get the outcome I want, but it’s important that I know what I want and feel and it isn’t based off what you want or feel. I need to think about this.
Marco
44
December 1st
Bella,
What I want. I want to be our daughter’s father. No matter what happens between you and me, I want to be a part of her life. If you want Tristan to be her dad, it will be hard but I won’t argue. But I would like to be her dad as well. I can’t take back what I did or said, but once I get out of here, I am going to claim my daughter. I still kinda feel like my blood is tainted but I’m working on that. Ingrid is working on it with me. What she’s helped me realize is, we are given choices and I made mine and they led to shitty consequences. Even if I believe addiction is in my genes, I made the choice to turn to them. Now I have the choice to make it right and I am going to.
