by Aiden Bates
Ryan took care of requesting the helicopter, because he was the one in charge of the investigation. They went up the next morning. Elias hadn't been in a helicopter before. It wasn't anything like flying in an airplane. He had to wear a helmet with a radio, and he didn't think that he'd been so securely strapped in since he was an infant strapped into a car seat.
Ryan and Pat were like kids in a candy store. Elias wondered if he was going to have to put Pat on a leash or a rope, just to keep him in the helicopter. He loved to look out the side door to see the landscape. His face was more open than Elias had seen it since their reunion, maybe even since before their breakup. "You okay over there, Pat?" he asked.
"Check that out." Pat put a hand on Elias' shoulder and pointed with his other hand to the land below them. "All of that? It's volcanic. It's the Bronson Hill chain. Hundreds of millions of years ago, it was all volcanoes."
Elias stared at the hills. He couldn't see anything special about them, and certainly couldn't see anything all that volcanic about them. Then again, it had been hundreds of millions of years. Even volcanoes could age badly, he guessed. "You always did have a thing for volcanoes," he said, and leaned a little bit into Pat's touch.
"Right here, guys." Ryan's voice crackled over the speakers, reminding Elias that they weren't alone in the helicopter.
Elias blushed, but didn't move. Pat didn't move either, and his voice sounded perfectly easy in the headset as he responded to Ryan. "What, you all want in on this fabulous geology lecture? Gather round. Well, all of you except D'Aphonzo. He's got to fly this thing. We're coming up on the Connecticut River Valley. We're going to pass into the Shelburne Fall chain next—more volcanoes, don't worry, they're long since extinct, much to my eternal chagrin. They do make for some of the most fertile soil in Massachusetts, which makes it perfect for our suspect."
"Oh my God, I don't care." Ryan shook his head. "Just tell D'Alphonzo where to fly and Freeman where to aim his camera, and we can get back to base."
Pat chuckled into his microphone, and Elias could see the little grin on his face.
Pat did aim them at some likely areas. They wouldn't be able to get much until they compared the photographs with property records back at headquarters, which was both freeing and frustrating at the same time. Elias wanted to find the children, and had harbored a secret fantasy of seeing the children somehow from the helicopter and thus solving the case.
The idea was patently ridiculous, and he knew it, but the fantasy was there all the same.
He felt guilty about enjoying the ride. He felt bad about relaxing into Pat's touch, about the close scent of ginger once again lulling him into safety and security.
Once they landed, of course, the moment was gone. There was no more excuse for cuddling, and Elias felt awkward seeking it out. He had no right. He wasn't the only person to have let Pat down, and contributed to Pat's abysmal sense of his own importance, but he had been part of it. He had no right to ask for anything from Pat.
How much of his own sense of frustration, of fear, and of resignation had been hormonal? How much of his own inability to cope had been the result of things going on in his body, things that he hadn’t even recognized yet? It was too late to tell now, but Pat deserved at least an explanation.
The next day, they got the images back from Freeman, the flight photographer. There were a number of properties that could have fit the bill, but most of them were found near Westfield and Southwick. Those towns had a whole bunch of old, fallow, and abandoned farms that didn't get a lot of traffic. According to Pat and his colleague, Ray Langer, it wouldn't be at all difficult to hide out on one of them. "We used to get a lot of pot farms that way. People would set up a grow your own operation on some old dump with a barn that hadn't been used since the Revolution." Pat shook his head. "Of course that's gone down by a lot since they decriminalized pot a few years ago, but still. I could see a smart suspect taking a page out of their book."
Ryan nodded. "I've been able to narrow down a list of possible suspects. We're down to ten, and it's going to be hard to chase them down without warrants. And no, there's not enough information to go chase down abuse victims and disrupt their lives." He glared at everyone in the room.
Elias held his hands up. "No one's saying that we should. We can maybe try to find some information about them now, stuff that we don't need a warrant for, and see if it matches up to the information that we do have. That should be non-invasive, right?"
Ryan nodded and deflated. "Sorry. My job is supposed to be helping abuse survivors, not hunting them down." He massaged his temples and closed his eyes. "I hate this case."
"Hopefully we can get her some help." Pat put a hand on Ryan's back. "I'm not positive that there are any winners in this case. But we have to do what we have to do. I mean we've already got one dead kid. We have to stop this."
"I know." Ryan gripped Pat's hand for a moment, and Elias fought down a wave of jealousy.
He had no idea what he wanted to come out of this. Maybe the jealousy would go away once he'd been around Pat for a while. He knew that he had to do something, though, about the remaining secret between them.
Elias blocked Pat from leaving just at quitting time. "Listen, Pat, I was wondering if we could have dinner tonight. If you're not too busy, that is."
Pat frowned. "Well, I mean I don't have plans, but I'm not sure that's the best idea. You know, for us."
Elias' insides twisted themselves into a knot. "Um. Well, there's something that I need to tell you. And this isn't the right place to tell you. So, I figured that maybe we could go out to dinner, get into a better mindset, and then I could spill the beans."
Ryan froze, and Elias winced. He'd probably phrased that exactly wrong. Oh well; there was nothing that he could do about it now.
Pat nodded, very slowly. "I guess. If this is something that you need to do, or whatever. We can grab dinner. Do you want to do that around here?"
"Um. You're probably going to want to be near your house or something." Elias looked down.
Pat sighed. "Because that's not ominous or creepy at all. Fine. I live in Jamaica Plain. Your GPS should be able to find Doyle's; it's an institution around there. I'll meet you there. Okay?"
Elias nodded, and Pat left.
Ryan found his ability to move again. "What are you thinking?" He jumped up and walked over to Elias. "What is running through your head right now? Is anything running through your head right now? You guys seem to be in a good place; why do you have to ruin it?"
Elias blinked away a few tears. It had been ten years. It shouldn't still affect him this badly. "I just… He deserves to know this, Ryan. I've been hiding it from him, and he doesn't understand everything that was going on. He deserves to know that I didn't just randomly break things off with him."
"Okay, sure. But look, does it have to be right now?" Ryan ran a hand through his glossy black hair. "Because I saw the look on his face, and I saw the look on your face, and neither one of those looks is screaming that you're going to work out your issues over dinner and come back bright-eyed and ready to work in the morning. I like you guys. I do. And I want you to be happy, in whatever form that takes. But holy crap, I have to put the kids first, you know?"
"I do know." Elias nodded, eyes down. "I'm hoping that this will make it possible for us to not walk on eggshells. It might make things a little rough. I kept something from him, right after we split, that I shouldn't have. It was bad. But so many people have put him to the side, Ryan. Me, both of his parents, everyone he knows. Someone has to start putting him first, even if it's too little too late. I can't hide this from him anymore, not knowing what I do now."
Ryan pressed his lips together and looked away. "All right. If he needs support, call me. I'll have Nick start calling the rest of the guys."
Elias rubbed the back of his neck. "I hope it won't be quite that bad, but who knows?" He sighed. "Thanks for your help. I hope this puts some of the ghosts to rest, you know?"
> He followed his GPS' instructions down the Pike and through the warren of narrow streets that was Jamaica Plain. Why would Pat have chosen to live here instead of closer to work? It was a puzzle, until Elias noticed the number of restaurants, bars, and nightclubs all around him. Sure, the South End was better for men seeking men, but Jamaica Plain had a larger Brazilian population. Pat could get back and forth to the South End. Here, he was closer to familiar sounds and smells.
That hadn't been all that important to Pat when they'd been together, but they weren't together now.
He found a parking space not too far away from Doyle's and walked back. Pat was already there, of course, sitting in a booth. They already had a waiter, too, all but falling into Pat's lap. Rage bubbled up in Elias' chest. He didn't have any right to expect Pat to have been celibate for all these years, but he could maybe not flirt when he was meeting up with Elias.
Except Pat didn't look like he was flirting. When Elias forced his anger down and took a closer look, Pat seemed to be trying to fend off the waiter's advances, but with kindness. "Hi," Elias said, eyes burning into the waiter. "We'll be ready to order in just a moment, once I've had a chance to look at the menu. Thanks."
The waiter almost jumped. "Terribly sorry. I'll be back as soon as you're ready." He blinked, and his eyes seemed to clear. "It was good to see you again, Pat."
Elias raised an eyebrow. "A friend of yours?"
Pat slouched in his seat. "I guess? I mean we had a night together…"
"Oh, really." Elias tried to keep the chill from his voice. It didn't work very well.
"Two years ago. We didn't exchange numbers, or even names." He ran a hand through his hair and glanced away.
Elias couldn't decide if he was annoyed or entertained, so he ignored the situation. "So. Cold cases, huh?"
"Yeah. I don't know. I figured they were just taking good detectives from a bunch of different departments, but when we all turned out to be alphas I figured that they were trying to get rid of all of us or something." He shrugged. "Whatever. We've done a lot of good, and the cases are a lot more interesting than vice."
"Mmm. I've been with HomeSafe since graduation."
"I know."
Elias put down his water glass. "Really? That's kind of creepy."
Pat snorted. "I knew where you were going, and they're pretty enthusiastic about bragging when they do something good. It's not like I'm stalking you; I'm just checking public information shared by your employers. I just like to know that you're doing well. I always have." He looked away. "It's inappropriate to say things like this, I get that, but I never stopped caring about you. Even when I was at my angriest, I just wanted to know that you were okay and doing well."
Elias blushed and looked down. He had so much that he wanted to say. He wanted to scream that he hadn't been fine. He wanted to ask why, if he never stopped caring, he hadn't checked in. He didn't say anything, though, just looked at the menu.
They ordered their food and made small talk during a tense meal. Then, as they both toyed with the last quarter of what remained on their plates, Elias put his fork down. "So, I wanted to come clean with you. I was frustrated when we split. But I'm not sure that I was rationally frustrated. Not entirely."
Pat drew his eyebrows together. "What are you talking about?"
"I didn't know it at the time. I swear to you. But I think that some of my inability to deal with my frustration, and the way I lashed out was because I was pregnant."
Pat dropped his fork. "Pregnant." No other part of Pat moved, only his lips.
Elias' pulse hammered in his throat. "Yeah. Um, like I said, I didn't know it until about a month after we split up, although I was probably in denial. And, uh, I didn't call because I was pissed that you hadn't tried to change my mind. Not rational, I know. I probably would have called, eventually, once someone talked me down, but, ah, it got to be moot about a month and a half later." He blinked back more tears.
"Moot?"
"Yeah. I miscarried."
Pat went silent. Elias stared at the table for a solid minute, shame and grief and fear mixing in his gut. "You going to say something?"
"He's turning blue, asshole." The waiter rushed over to Pat's side and delivered three precise blows directly between Pat's shoulder blades.
***
Pat had no idea how he got back to his condo. All that he knew was that the entire world fell away in an instant. The next thing that he knew he was on his old, threadbare couch, with the waiter on one side of him and Elias on the other. The space between his shoulder blades ached, like it had been bruised. His chest burned.
"You with us again?" the waiter asked.
"Yeah." Pat hated the wheeze in his voice. He hated the show of weakness, whatever it had been. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause a fuss."
"No big deal." The waiter stood up. "You think you'll be okay here? I still think you should go to the hospital."
"No." Pat closed his eyes. "I'll be fine."
The waiter frowned and then turned to Elias, who was sitting much closer to Pat than he should have been. Then he sighed. "All right. You want me to move your car over here, man? You don't want it to get towed."
Elias' eyes widened in surprise. "You'd do that for me?"
The waiter grinned. "I won't lie. When I saw Pat walk into Doyle's, I was kind of hoping to reconnect, you know? He's a great guy and I'd be a fool to pass up a chance like that." He met Elias' eyes. "You don't strike me as a fool."
Pat slumped down in his seat. The waiter was a fool, if he thought that Pat had anything to give either him or Elias. If he thought that Elias wanted anything from him.
But Elias just reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys. "Thanks. And no. No fools here."
It took Matt ten minutes to get the car and bring it back to the condo. Apparently, Matt was the waiter's name. Elias gave him a huge wad of cash when he brought the keys back and thanked him, and then they were alone. Now it was time for Pat to step up, like he hadn't stepped up ten years ago.
Like he hadn't known to step up.
That wasn't the point. It hadn't been his body that had gone through the pain. It hadn't been Pat that had been shamed for the unclaimed pregnancy, nor for the miscarriage. Maybe Elias' family had been unusually supportive, but that didn't mean that people in the hospital had, or that anyone else that knew had been supportive. Hell, that didn't mean that Elias hadn't internalized every bit of BS that the world had to offer people who got pregnant outside society's rigidly defined norms.
Or who, for whatever reason, miscarried.
"I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that by yourself." He hesitated, and then he took Elias' hand. "I can't imagine the amount of strength that must have taken. I'm so sorry, Elias."
Elias' jaw hung open. "I figured you'd be angry. You know, that I didn't tell you."
"Maybe later." Pat gave his hand a squeeze. "I'm not the one who had to go through it."
Elias blinked, but he couldn't stop some tears from escaping. They streamed down his face, and Pat used his free hand to wipe them away.
"I couldn't… I was still too angry to call, and then I just thought, 'What's the point?'" Elias sniffed. "I mean I'd lost the baby. Why call? What did I even have to offer at that point? I mean they said I had scar tissue, that I might not ever be able—" He cut himself off and burst into tears.
Pat had tears of his own, but he could fight them off. He wrapped them around Elias and pulled his ex closer to himself. Had anyone bothered to do this for Elias at the time? Did it matter? It was Pat's job. He was the alpha, and he hadn't been there. It had been Elias' choice for him not to be there, but that seemed like cold comfort right now. "Hey. Hey." He ran his hand up and down Elias' back. "It's okay. You're still you. You're still a beautiful, smart, amazing omega. Okay?"
That just made Elias cry harder, even though his arms tightened around Pat's chest. Pat didn't get that, but he didn't have to. If Elias wanted to be held, then Pat would
hold him. He didn't need to understand why that brought him comfort right now.
To think, though, that there might have been a baby. He tried to turn his mind from the prospect. If there had been a baby, Pat would never have known, and as it was the miscarriage would have happened either way. They just happened sometimes, and there wasn't anything that could be done about it.
What if they hadn't split up? Then he'd have been around to hold Elias and support him in his grief at the time, and not let it fester for a decade. That was all.
He petted Elias' hair, trying to soothe him. "Elias." He rested his head against his omega's and spoke softly into his ear. "Elias. It wasn't your fault."
"I was so angry. I must have done something, something to poison it!"
