by J. Daniels
“What the fuck didn’t we do?” I returned. “They brought every toy they own. Didn’t need to, though. Once the girls got into those stupid fuckin’ filters, that was it.”
Shayla cocked her head. “Filters? You mean like, on Snapchat?”
Oh, fuck.
I gripped the back of my neck and looked at the floor.
“Oh, my God.” She giggled. “Sean, do you have Snapchat?” Shayla stepped closer, getting right in front of me, and tilted her head so she could see my face.
Might as well confess, dumbass. You brought this on yourself.
I dropped my arm. “It’s fuckin’ dumb, but yeah, I have it,” I said.
Her eyes brightened. “Really? What’s your username?”
“Username.”
Shayla giggled. “What?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know,” I grumbled. “I just picked one. I didn’t care. I just wanted to see you.”
Her face lost all hint of amusement. “You watch me on there?”
I nodded.
“How long? Since we started—”
I shook my head, halting her. “Before that,” I confessed.
An emotion passed over her face. Then Shayla grabbed my hands and slid her fingers between mine, looking almost relieved to be hearing that from me. She smiled.
I smiled.
Fuck, I smiled a lot around this girl.
Then her gaze lowered to my neck. “That’s new,” she said, running the tip of her finger just above the collar of my shirt, where Fiona had dragged a marker earlier.
“Fiona,” I explained, watching Shayla’s eyes grow wider.
“Those lines you have tattooed…she did them?”
I nodded.
“Did she draw that little stick figure on your arm?”
“Nah, that was Caroline. Fi likes patterns. That’s her thing.”
Shayla grabbed my face and rolled up onto her toes to kiss me. “You’re sweet.”
I wasn’t, but I told her to say that again, because I wanted her speaking inside my mouth.
She smiled, then whispered, “You’re sweet. I always knew it too,” before licking my bottom lip.
I slid my hand through her hair to the back of her head and held her still while I kissed her. I pushed my tongue inside her mouth and made her moan. I sucked and I licked, until my lips burned and hers begged my name on a whisper. Then I kissed her cheek, her jaw, down to her neck where I growled and cursed, because I wanted her, right there in that spot on the floor again, and that couldn’t happen.
“What?” Shayla leaned back to study me. Her mouth twitched. “Ohhh, you want to get freaky all over the house, don’t you?”
“I’d settle for right here, but yeah.”
She grinned and slid her arms around my neck. “This is when you realize during all that fixing up you did, that you should’ve soundproof insulated your bedroom and reinforced it with a steel door.”
“That wouldn’t stop my girls. They’d find a way in. Trust me.”
Knowing Caroline, she’d figure out how to tunnel through the floor.
I brushed a strand of hair off Shayla’s cheek and tucked it behind her ear while she kept grinning, most likely picturing my girls busting in on us. “You hungry?”
“Nope. I ate bar food.”
“Want somethin’ to drink?”
“Sure. A water would be good.”
I gestured at the TV with my head. “Got cable installed. You wanna watch one of your dumbass shows?”
“Hey.” She softly punched my chest, laughing, then she slipped out of my hold and rounded the couch. She dug her phone and keys out of her back pockets and dropped the items on the end table. “Just for that, I’m putting on the most obnoxious reality show I can find,” she warned.
“Like I give a fuck. I’ll be watchin’ you anyway.”
Shayla whipped her head around and blushed. “Mad flirting skills,” she said, lifting her hand to her face and pointing at me. “Look at you.”
Grinning, I padded to the kitchen and got her a water, grabbing a Coke for me, while she flipped through the channels.
“I talked to Dominic tonight,” Shayla called out. “He wanted to know if there was anything else around here you needed help with. I told him I’d ask you.”
“I wanna get started on the basement soon. Could use his help with that.”
“Awesome. I’ll let him know.”
“How’s he doin’?” I stepped out into the living room and walked around the couch.
Shayla smiled at me as I claimed the seat beside her. “Good, thanks to you. My mom says he’s not nearly as angry anymore.”
“That’s good, babe. But if he does go back to that place, the offer stands whether I got shit here that needs demolishing or not. I don’t mind talkin’ to the kid.”
Her smile reached her eyes. “I’ll pass that message along.”
“What about the other one? He doin’ all right?”
“Yes.” She leaned over and kissed my shoulder. “Thanks for asking.”
“You don’t gotta thank me.”
“Yes, I do.” Sitting back, Shayla reached over and touched the new threads around my wrist as I cracked open the can. She was back to smiling.
I stared at her, ignoring the TV like I’d said I would. I didn’t give a fuck what was on.
“Does Fiona make you anything?” Shayla asked, toeing off her boots. She twisted to face me, swung her legs up and tucked her feet under her hip, getting comfortable. Then she took the glass of water I held out.
I shook my head. “Just likes to draw on me. That’s her thing. Caroline’s only done the stick person on my arm. The rest is Fiona, and shit I put on there.” I took a swig of Coke and sat the can on the end table.
“I saw their names, and the footprints. That’s so sweet.”
I shrugged.
“Do you have anything for Val?”
Shayla looked hopeful, like she wanted something representing my ex inked on me, which I did not fucking get. Still, I brought my left arm across my body and dropped my hand to her thigh.
“The roses are her,” I said. “Got those added after we got married.”
Her fingers, which were cold from the glass, traced the skull that spanned across my knuckles. Then her eyes came up. “I love that.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She grinned. “I really, really love that. She lit up that darkness you were living in. Roses can’t bloom in the dark. I think this is perfect.”
I stared at her. Jesus. She was serious.
“You like me havin’ somethin’ I gotta look at the rest of my life, knowin’ it reminds me of my ex?”
“Was your ex good to you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then there you go.” Shayla dropped her head to the side and smiled. “I will never have any problem with anyone, Sean, as long as they are good to you. Val gave you love and kindness when no one else did. Plus, those beautiful girls sleeping in there. I like her having a tattoo. I like that she meant something important enough to get one.”
“What about you then?”
She lost her smile. “What about me?”
“Going off that checklist, aside from the kid thing, shouldn’t you have somethin’ on me?”
Her mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
“Do I look serious?”
“You always look like that.” She gestured at my face. “I don’t know. You tell me, are you?” Her voice jumped.
I grinned, liking how flustered she’d gotten.
Shayla leaned back. “Okay, now you’re smiling, and I have no idea what to think.” She shook her head, then laughed nervously. “If you’re being serious…Wow, uh, are you, though? I still can’t get a read.”
I threw my head back and laughed.
“Sean!”
My hand on her thigh flew to her mouth. “You wanna wake up my girls?” I asked.
She blinked with wide eyes.
I yanked my hand aw
ay when I felt her tongue, grimacing, and seeing that, she giggled and fell over into me, spilling some of her water on my leg.
“Oops.”
“You’re not gettin’ a fuckin’ tattoo now,” I said as I wiped at my jeans, but I was laughing with her. I couldn’t fucking help it.
Fuck, I loved being around her.
Shayla’s giggle shook her entire body.
“Come here.” I took her drink and sat it on the end table next to mine, then I threw my arm around her, and getting the invite, Shayla burrowed herself against my side, draping her leg over top of mine and wrapping her arm around my waist.
She sighed and blinked at the TV.
I kept my head down and watched her and nothing else, like I said I would.
“The day you got arrested,” Shayla began, only letting a minute of silence pass. “Did that have something to do with the scar on Fiona’s stomach?”
“How’d you know about that?”
“I saw it when Val was getting the girls ready for their recital.” Shayla shifted back a little, tilted her head up, and looked at me. “And Val mentioned something about some medical bill, and that you were doing something to help pay for it.”
I jerked my chin in answer.
“What were you doing?”
“Stealin’ a car.”
“Really?” Her eyes flickered wider.
“I needed close to eight grand to cover that surgery,” I explained. “I knew how much I’d get if I boosted one. I told Val I was done with that, but I didn’t know what else to fuckin’ do. We couldn’t get the money.”
“What about insurance? They didn’t cover it?”
“Probably would’ve if we had any.”
Shayla frowned.
“I kept fuckin’ up,” I told her. “Couldn’t keep a job, plus Val was in school. Any money we had went to that and what the girls needed after paying rent. We couldn’t afford insurance. That bill came, and Val was stressin’ out about it. She thought we’d lose our apartment. I had to do somethin’.”
“And the girls were in the car with you?”
My jaw clenched as I nodded.
I hated thinking about that.
“Val had a class. I was watchin’ the girls. Bridgett was doing whatever the fuck. She wasn’t home. It was fuckin’ ridiculous—I don’t know what I was thinkin’. It took me thirty fuckin’ minutes putting those damn car seats in. The girls were screaming—the alarm bothered them and I had trouble cuttin’ it ’cause I was dealin’ with the two of them climbin’ all over the place and shit. By the time I got on the road, I made it two fuckin’ miles before I got stopped.”
Shayla placed her hand on my leg and pushed up. “You put their car seats in the vehicle you stole?”
“I wasn’t drivin’ anywhere without them strapped in,” I replied. “What if I got into an accident or somethin’? They could get hurt.”
“Sean.” Shayla grabbed my face and pouted. “Jesus. Even doing something illegal, you’re still only thinking about your girls.”
I brusquely shook my head, which dropped her hands away. “I wasn’t. If I would’ve been thinkin’ about them, I wouldn’t have done it,” I argued. “Now they got that memory of me plus all that time I missed out on, and Val still had to take a loan out to cover that bill, so a lot of fuckin’ good it did. I’ll never make up for that.”
“Yes, you will. You’re making up for it now.” She pushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. “And I believe down in my bones that if you would’ve had a different life growing up, none of this would’ve happened.”
I didn’t believe that.
“No one’s to blame but me. I did it.”
“We’re not arguing about this. Agree to disagree.”
My face tightened. “Christ, again? This isn’t one of those leave it at that moments. My girls were screamin’ ’cause of me. They went a long fuckin’ time without a dad ’cause of me, Shayla. No one else.”
What the fuck? How was she seeing this any different? I didn’t get it.
“You didn’t have anyone guiding you, Sean. Nobody teaching you right from wrong, or showing you how to treat others. That is not your fault. I understand feeling guilty and regretting what you did, but I’m talking about carrying that blame yourself. No one is putting that night solely on you. Not even Val—I believe that.”
She spoke softly, which was calming me down, but it was also her touch—the way her hands kept pushing through my hair and stroking my cheek. It was gentle. It felt good. Better than good. I couldn’t help but lean into it and will her to keep going. I had gone most of my life without someone touching me like this.
I had gone all my life wanting it.
“You’re sorry,” she went on. “Everyone can see that. And you’re doing right by those girls now, and you’re going to keep doing right by them. Focus on where you are right now, Sean—fuck the rest. Just keep going forward. You’re going to give them a beautiful life.”
“You think my girls are gonna forgive me for that shit?” I asked.
Shayla shifted closer so she was practically in my lap and stared deep into my eyes. “I don’t think they ever needed to,” she said quietly. “They didn’t hold a grudge or hate you, Sean. They couldn’t do that. They just missed you. And when those girls get older and you explain to them what happened, if that’s something they need to hear, just like everyone else—they will understand why you did it and why you had to. They will understand—I promise.”
I wanted to believe that. I wanted her to be right.
Dropping my head against hers, I closed my eyes and breathed deep while she kept soothing me with her touch and her voice, telling me how good I was and how much love I had around me.
“Let yourself feel that love, Sean,” she whispered. “Take it in. Let it fill you.”
I fell asleep with my voice in her ear. I wanted it to stay there forever.
But it never did.
Chapter Seventeen
Shayla
I startled awake when I felt Sean’s body jerk beneath me.
“No,” he murmured, voice heavy with sleep. “No. No, stop. Stop!”
“Sean?” I whispered. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and sat up as best I could, putting my weight on my hip.
I was trapped between Sean and the couch, our legs interwoven. I peered down at him.
He was on his back, head on the armrest, body sprawled out. His skin glistened with sweat. The shirt he was wearing clung to him.
“Hey.” I placed my hand on his chest. “Sean, hey, wake up.” His body began to twitch spastically. He mumbled incoherent words. He was stuck in a nightmare. “Sean!”
Teeth clenched, a scream tore out of this throat.
Panic filled me.
“Sean!” I yelled again, getting to my knees with some difficulty and looming over him. I grabbed his shoulders and shook him, hard. “Wake up! Wake up, Sean!”
With a gasp, his eyes flew open and he shot up, knocking me into the back of the couch. He stared like he was seeing right through me.
“Hey,” I whispered, cautiously reaching out to him. There was so much fear in his eyes. “H-Hey, are you okay?”
Sean’s body retched, and I watched in horror as he rolled to his side, hung his head off the couch, and vomited onto the floor.
“Oh, my God.” Shit. Shit! What do I do? I started rubbing his back, trying to soothe him while he continued to gag and expel the contents of his stomach. I held his hair out of his face. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Sean.”
I repeated those words like a mantra.
I thought about running to grab the bucket, but I didn’t want to leave him. What if he started choking? Was he even fully awake yet? I didn’t know. I could feel his heart pounding through his back. And when I grabbed more pieces of his hair as it dangled into his face, I touched his skin. It was soaked. He couldn’t stop sweating.
I listened as the vomiting ceased, and just as I was climbing over Sean’s leg
s to get to my feet and help him up, he began to sob.
“Oh, baby,” I whispered, kneeling behind him again. I wrapped my arms around his chest and hugged him from behind. I tried not to crush him. “It’s okay. You’re here, Sean. You’re here. She can’t hurt you anymore.” I kissed his shoulder and the back of his neck as tears stung my eyes.
My poor man. I was heartbroken for him and so unbelievably angry at that bitch. This was what his nightmares were like? How often did he have them? How long? My God, he went through this alone? I couldn’t bear it.
Sean kept trying to pull away from me and duck his head. He wanted to hide.
“Come on.” I climbed over his legs and got to my feet, careful of the vomit that spread out in a spatter. Then I leaned down and grabbed his arm, helping him sit up. “Let’s get you cleaned up in the shower, okay? I bet a shower will feel really good.”
Sean hung his head and swiped his forearm across his mouth. He was staring at the floor where he’d puked. His hair was matted.
“I’ll clean that up,” I told him, drawing his head up then. He shook it. “It doesn’t bother me. I’ll do it. Come on.” I got him to his feet, brought his arm over my shoulders, and held him around his waist as we walked around the couch. He was still shaking. “Do you think you’re going to be sick again?” I asked.
Sean was staring blankly ahead, like he was in a trance. His cheeks were wet with tears.
“No,” he rasped.
“That’s good.” I tried smiling at him, but my lips were quivering too much.
Pull yourself together. Be strong for him. He needs you.
When we got inside the bathroom, I flicked on the light and helped Sean out of his clothes. He brushed his teeth. I was fighting back tears. Then I got the water running and tested it with my hand while Sean held onto the sink. When the water was warm, I moved behind him and kissed his back.
“It’s ready. Do you need my help?”
I was prepared to take care of Sean—to do anything he needed me to do. I’d wash him. Dress him. Clean him up if he got sick again. Anything.
