by Susan Lewis
Andee shrugged. “I suppose it did, at first. It felt quite romantic, in fact, but now it’s…I guess the same as it always was.”
Jules frowned. “That sounds…” She shook her head. “Sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“It’s fine. I know I sound disillusioned, and I suppose in a way I am, but not because of Martin. He’s a great husband and father, generous, attentive, wanting to make up for leaving me when he did….The trouble is, I can’t help wondering…Well, I suppose what life would have been like if I’d taken up with someone else during the time we were apart.”
“Were you apart for long?”
“A couple of years.”
“And did you meet anyone else in that time?”
Andee’s eyes drifted as she nodded. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. It wasn’t serious, but I think it could have been if Martin hadn’t come back on the scene.”
“Do you ever see this person now?”
“We run into each other now and again at various functions. It’s a small town.”
Jules couldn’t deny that. There wasn’t anyone in Kesterly who didn’t know what had happened to her. Most of the country knew about that. “Is it awkward?”
“A little. To be honest, it still feels like unfinished business, which is crazy when I’m married to someone else. What do I think I’m going to do, have an affair?”
Jules regarded her closely. “Would you, if you had the chance?” she dared to ask.
Andee smiled as she shrugged. “In my dreams, maybe, but I wouldn’t want to hurt either of them, or myself, so I guess the answer has to be no.” Seeming to shake it off, she said, “How about you? Have you ever…? No, you and Kian were always so close.”
Jules’s heart contracted. “Yes, we were,” she said quietly, “but I almost ruined it all once with a moment of madness. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for it. Sometimes I even wonder if what happened later was my punishment. It was how it felt for a long time, but I don’t think it works like that, does it?” She wasn’t sure about that, but it was hard to be sure about anything now.
“Did Kian know about the…‘moment of madness’?”
Jules shook her head. “No, I never told him, but it changed things between us anyway. It was like, because I knew I couldn’t be trusted, I no longer knew if I could trust him. That’s crazy, isn’t it, but it’s how it was. It made me love him more too, like I wanted to protect him, and I was terrified I was going to lose him….Sometimes I felt so desperate when I looked at him. It was very muddled. I guess I was a bit of a basket case, although I think, on the surface, I seemed fine to everyone else.”
“Do you know if he was ever unfaithful?”
“I don’t think so. I used to wish he would be, in the hope it might make me feel better, but I don’t think he ever went past the flirting stage. Even that changed after I—” She broke off, suddenly not wanting to go any further, and yet the words were there, needing to be spoken, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. “I got pregnant,” she said shakily. “We’d always found it so hard to conceive, me and Kian, and then, after that one encounter, I found I…” She swallowed hard. “I had no idea which of them was the father.”
Andee’s eyes were dark with feeling. “So what did you do?” she asked gently.
“Actually, I didn’t have to do anything, because I miscarried. I guess that was a blessing, but it was still my baby, and it might have been Kian’s….Of course he thought it was, so he was as devastated as I was when I lost it.” Her heart burned with all the anguish and deceit she’d felt at the time. She couldn’t think now how she’d managed to get through it, but somehow she had. “I let him grieve for a child that might not have been his,” she said dully. “I don’t know if you understand how that makes me feel, even now.”
“I can only imagine,” Andee whispered truthfully.
“He thought it was the reason for my depression, and I suppose it was, but mostly it was about deceiving him. He didn’t deserve that, and yet he didn’t deserve to be hurt either.” She took a breath. “I sometimes wonder…”
When she didn’t elaborate Andee simply waited, allowing her to decide whether she wanted to continue.
“You remember Joe, Daisy’s American boyfriend?” Jules said in the end.
Andee nodded. “Of course.”
“It was his father that I…So I sometimes wonder, if Joe hadn’t stayed in our lives, would I have found it easier to put it all behind me? Not that I ever saw him. We never met again after that day. He was tactfully somewhere else whenever Kian and I were in Chicago, and he never came to England with Joe. Of course Daisy stayed with him and his wife during her visits to the States, and on a couple of occasions, when she was younger and she and Joe were first together, Kian would fly over with her for the weekend, so he’d stay there too.”
“That must have been hard for you.”
“I hated it, but what could I do? Daisy and Joe were besotted with each other. I kept telling myself it would burn itself out as they got older, but it never did. They spent every summer together, usually with us at Em’s lake house, and every Christmas here in Kesterly, at the Mermaid. The half-terms in between were either in Chicago or Kesterly, or sometimes for a special treat someone would take them to New York or London. There was no point trying to split them up. Having an ocean between them was already taking care of the physical distance, but they never allowed it to be a problem. And the way kids use social media these days, it’s like most of them have virtual relationships anyway. It could even be said that they spend more time together online, FaceTiming, instant-messaging, texting, or whatever, than if they were in the same town, or even the same room. I’m not sure how old they were when they started to talk about getting married, probably only fourteen or fifteen. It was crazy, a kind of dream with no real understanding of what it all meant, so we didn’t take it seriously. On the other hand, I used to worry about there being a wedding and what it would be like to see Nicholas again.”
“Did you want to see him?”
“I guess there’s no point in denying that a part of me did, but I dreaded it too. If they did end up together it would become harder than ever to avoid him….” Her voice ran dry as all the useless worrying faded back into the waste of time it had been. “Joe’s coming here in a couple of weeks,” she said.
Andee’s eyes narrowed. “I take it you’ve told him about Amelia’s imminent release?”
Jules nodded. Her eyes were distant, her thoughts spiraling downward into a very dark place. The only way to rescue them was to think of Daisy and the way she had lit up the world with her laughter, her kindness, her sense of fairness, and her determination to see good in everyone, even Amelia Quentin.
Jules flinched; everything kept coming back to the Quentin girl. It seemed impossible to escape Amelia no matter how hard she tried, but even if she managed it there was always the guilt of Jules’s betrayal.
—
“There’s definitely something wrong, Mum, I can tell,” Daisy insisted, skipping backward against the wind so she could see her mother’s face. “If something’s upsetting you, then you must either tackle it or put it out of your mind. It never does any good to let it fester. So now, what’s getting to you? You know you can tell me anything. I won’t be shocked.”
Smiling, Jules raised a hand to shield her eyes from the winter sun. Her darling leggy daughter, who was growing into a stunning young woman with her father’s wayward blond curls, violet-blue eyes, and irrepressible good humor, was never backward in throwing out a challenge.
“All that’s bothering me right now,” Jules declared, “is working out the staff rota over Christmas, and whether we will get all the deliveries on time.”
“Pfft!” Daisy scoffed. “You never stress over stuff like that. Anyway, it’s Misty’s job, so, sorry, not buying it.”
Amused by her certainty, Jules said, “OK, I’m wondering if Dad’s bitten off more than he can chew with this new p
leasure-cruise project.”
“Sorry, still not doing it for me. Dad’s always biting off more than he can chew, but when does it ever not work out? Shall I tell you what I think it is?”
In spite of the fear that Daisy might actually know, Jules made her eyes twinkle.
Daisy said, “OK, here goes. You’re worrying about me and Joe and how our relationship has gone on to the next level, but honestly, you shouldn’t, because there’s nothing to worry about.”
Jules’s eyebrows rose. In her opinion there was plenty to worry about where that relationship was concerned, not least how long it might be before Daisy left them to go to the States. However, all she said was, “Well, that’s good to hear,” and grabbing Daisy’s arm, she steered her away from a slimy pile of seaweed.
“Look at it this way,” Daisy continued. “You and Dad are soulmates, right?”
Since Jules had always thought so, she wasn’t going to deny it now, when they’d surely come good again one day, please God. “Yes, we are,” she confirmed.
“So that’s just like me and Joe. All that’s different is that we met when we were younger, and we live in different countries, which actually makes it even more meant-to-be if you think about it.”
Jules didn’t argue, since there was every chance Daisy was right. She was sixteen now, Joe was seventeen, and Jules and Kian had long ago given up telling themselves that the friendship, which had become a fully intimate relationship back in the summer (though Kian didn’t know that), wouldn’t last.
“We’re using contraception,” Daisy assured her, “if that’s what’s worrying you.”
“I’d assumed you were.”
Daisy grinned. “It’s just amazing, Mum. I mean, I had no idea anything could feel like that. He’s so…”
“My darling, love you as I do and happy for you as I am, I really don’t need the details.”
With a choke of laughter, Daisy said, “OK, so here’s the big question: are you going to let him sleep in my room when he comes for Christmas?”
Jules’s eyes narrowed playfully. “Why don’t you ask Dad that question?”
Daisy collapsed into a groan. “Mum!”
“What?”
“He’ll say no.”
“Are you sure?”
Daisy tilted her head as she considered it. “I guess I just have to go about it in the right way,” she decided. “If I remind him of how young Romeo and Juliet were when they fell in love…”
“Not a good idea. Think how it ended.”
Daisy bubbled with laughter. “OK, so how about I ask him how old you were when you first got it together? How old were you, by the way?”
“Old enough.”
“You mean legally? So am I.”
“Not in the States.”
“But we won’t be in the States.”
“I’m not sure that counts in Joe’s case. Under American law you’re still a minor.”
“You’re just confusing things now. I need you on my side, Mum, so tell me you don’t object.”
“I’m fine with it, but how do you think he’s going to like sharing you with Ruby and the mermaids?” Though the mermaid collection was much pared down these days, and certainly more tastefully displayed, neither it nor Ruby had moved out altogether.
“He loves Ruby and the mermaids,” Daisy insisted. “Did I tell you that he’s promised to take me to Copenhagen to see the Little Mermaid one of these days?”
“Did you tell him your grannies took you when you were ten?”
“No, because I didn’t want to spoil it. By the way, are you going over to Granny Marsha’s later? Oh, hang on, who’s this?” Taking out her mobile, she checked her texts. “Two from Stephie, one from Dean wanting to know…” Whatever had been asked she didn’t share as she rapidly sent messages back. “Great. So where were we? Oh, I know…”
“Is that your phone again?”
Daisy was already reading the next text. “Cool,” she muttered as she dealt with it. “About six of us are going to be here for breakfast tomorrow,” she informed her mother. “There’s this film project we’re working on for college….Oh, yes, and Stephie’s auntie’s got three tickets for her, me, and Dean to go and see the Kaiser Chiefs in Birmingham while Joe’s here, so we need Dad to find out if he can get an extra one.”
“I’m sure he’ll know someone. He usually does.” Jules’s eyes returned to Daisy’s phone as another text arrived.
“Oh, how sweet.” Daisy smiled as she read it. “It’s from this girl at the gym who…Oh my God, I forgot to tell you about her. You’ll never guess who it is.”
“Probably not,” Jules conceded.
Laughing, Daisy said, “It’s only naughty Amelia Jane. Do you remember her? I barely do, but she says she definitely remembers us and that was what I called her the first time we met. Apparently she knew who I was the minute she saw me.”
Conjuring an image of the serious little girl with mussed hair and awful manners, Jules said, “Gosh, I’d forgotten all about her, it’s been so long. Where did you say you’d seen her?”
“At the gym. We had a good laugh about me calling her naughty Amelia Jane. Can you believe her remembering that? I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about when she introduced herself that way. ‘Hi, Daisy,’ she said, ‘I’m naughty Amelia Jane. Do you remember me?’ ”
Both amused and curious, Jules said, “What’s she doing now? Did she say?”
“No. We only spoke for a few minutes, but she asked me to say hi to you.”
Since Daisy was engrossed in sending a text back to Amelia, Jules simply said, “I guess you can tell her hi from me when you next see her. Did she happen to mention her mother?”
Daisy shook her head. “Like I said, we didn’t talk for long. I was about to go into a class and she was on her way out, I think.”
Jules nodded. She wasn’t sure why Amelia Quentin’s sudden reappearance in their lives wasn’t feeling good. Perhaps it was because she’d long felt bad about not doing more to befriend the girl’s mother. She wondered how the years had treated her, if she and her husband were still together. And what sort of changes had time wrought on the daughter? All for the good, she hoped.
As Daisy finished her text, Jules said, “Are we still going to a Zumba class tonight?”
“Yes, definitely,” Daisy assured her. “Stephie’s coming too. Oh, no, sorry, I forgot. That’s tomorrow. Tonight I promised I’d go for a run with Dad before Stephie and Dean come over. Do you mind?”
“No, of course not.” She did, but only because she hadn’t been invited to run with them. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not sure yet. Probably along the promenade and up round the old town. Listen, I’d better go, I’m supposed to be FaceTiming with Joe in five minutes. I’ll send him your love and tell him you’re cool about us sharing a bed.” After treating her mother to a boisterous hug she took off across the beach to the pub.
As Jules watched her go she was aware of a strange mix of emotions pulling her from sadness to pride, joy, and hope; she even felt a twinge of loneliness. There was a time when the three of them, she, Daisy, and Kian, had done everything together—walks, runs, gym, the Performing Arts shows, charity events…Of course it was only to be expected that things would change as Daisy grew up and became more independent. She just couldn’t help feeling that events were moving beyond her grasp.
Pulling her coat more tightly around her, she turned to walk on toward the cliffs. It was a gray, blustery day, with slender shards of sunlight escaping the belligerent clouds, and a lively tide hurling itself against the rocks. There was so much going round in her mind—issues with the pub, concerns about her mother, Daisy’s future with Joe—but always uppermost in her thoughts was how much she missed her closeness with Kian. She knew he missed it too, and yet they never discussed it. If they tried and she ended up confessing what she’d done, she was sure it would push them even further apart, and she just couldn’t bear that to happen.
Realizing her phone was ringing, she tugged it from her pocket. Seeing it was him, she felt a rush of teenage flutters. “Hi,” she said, speaking up over the wind. “Is everything OK?”
“Sure. What are you doing out there on your own?”
Turning to look at the pub, she said, “Just finishing up the walk Daisy and I started. Where are you?”
“Bedroom window.”
Spotting him, she waved and smiled as he waved back. “What are you doing?”
“Just sorting out a few things before Daisy and I set off on a run. Has she brought the uni in America thing up with you yet?”
“No, she hasn’t.” It was coming, they both knew it, and they were dreading it, but they’d resolved not to stand in her way.
“OK. I thought it might have been what you were talking about. If not, I’ll keep bracing myself.”
Deciding not to mention the sleeping arrangements over Christmas, she told him to have a good run and rang off to take a call from Aileen.
“I’m at your mother’s,” Aileen told her. “She’s crying because she thinks she hasn’t seen you for weeks. I keep reminding her that you were here this morning, but I’m afraid it’s not making a difference.”
“I’ll be right there,” Jules promised. Clicking off the line, she headed back across the beach.
“Do you want me to take you?” Kian offered when she explained where she was going.
“No, it’s fine. I could be there for a while and you don’t want to miss your run.”
He nodded, and watched her pick up her car keys.
It wasn’t until she was halfway to Temple Fields that she realized she should probably have accepted the offer. He’d wanted her to, she could sense it now, but it was already too late. This was yet another example of how they just weren’t in sync with each other anymore.
—
“I’m sorry,” Jules said as Andee thanked Fliss for their second coffees. “I’m talking too much, something I haven’t done in a long time.” Her eyes sparked with irony. “I guess I need to get out more.”
