by John Manning
What made it worse was that she couldn’t tell her why.
“You’re great with kids,” Karen argued, trying for nearly the hundredth time to convince her partner to conceive a child. “You’re a teacher! Your students adore you! I’ve watched you with them. You’d make a great mother.”
Paula sighed and looked out her window down onto Commonwealth Avenue. The day was warm, the air pleasant, so she’d opened all the windows of her apartment. Autumn would soon be here, and then winter-and the days of open windows would be over. From the street, taxicabs were bleating. Paula could hear a group of little children laughing. It broke her heart.
There was nothing she could say to Karen. Yes, indeed, she loved kids. In her job teaching English as a second language to immigrants from Puerto Rico, Colombia, Vietnam, and Mexico, she found great satisfaction and joy being with children. She agreed she’d make a wonderful mother, especially with Karen as co-parent. They could raise a wonderful family. If only things were different.
They’d been together five years now. Karen was the love of Paula’s life. There had been other girlfriends who had come and gone, but only Karen had truly captured her heart. Right from the start, Paula had wanted to give Karen the world. And she could. Paula had money-her father’s will had ensured that at least some of the Young fortune had already made its way to her. But Karen didn’t care about Paula’s wealth. She cared only about having a baby, a child to love and to raise. She herself was unable to conceive, which was the great sadness of her life. So a child was the one thing she looked to Paula to give her. But it was the one thing Paula could never do.
For a time, Paula had considered telling Karen a lie. She’d agree to go to the doctor and get tested. Then she’d come back and announce that she, too, was sterile. But surely then Karen would want to adopt. Paula had phoned her Uncle Howard and asked him if an adopted child would still face the family curse. He couldn’t be sure. Perhaps without the actual bloodline the child would be free. But he could give her no guarantee. That wasn’t enough assurance for Paula. She had seen what had happened to her father and to the others. There was no way she could ever bring a child into the family, through birth or adoption, to face that.
So she had told Karen that she simply didn’t want children. “A child would change our lives,” she said, over and over, a claim she repeated now.
“Yes, it would,” Karen said. “It would give us new purpose, a new direction.”
Paula turned away from the window to look at her. “Do we need a new purpose? A new direction? Aren’t you happy just with me?”
“I love you, Paula. Yes, I’m happy. But I don’t feel…complete.”
Paula couldn’t admit that she felt exactly the same way. When she was a teenager, before she’d learned about that room and the terrors it held for her family, she’d dreamed of having kids. Lots of them. How she’d loved watching over her little brother and her little cousins when the adults were inside Uncle Howard’s house, talking about those serious things that made them frown and sometimes cry. Paula hadn’t understood what all that had been about back then. She’d just been a kid romping in the grass.
Now she was nearly forty. Karen was telling her that her biological clock would soon run out. Paula countered that no kid wanted an old woman for a mother. But it was an argument that didn’t hold water. Karen’s own mother had been forty-two when she gave birth to Karen. “And Mom was the best mother in the world!” Karen told her emphatically.
A couple of times, Paula had come close to telling her the truth. But each time, she had chickened out at the last possible moment. The secret shamed her. What kind of family had to live with such a thing? She lived the years between those terrible family reunions in a state of denial; she imagined everyone in the family did. To think of it, to actually speak of it, would make it too real. What would Karen think if she told her? She might even leave her. At the time of the last family reunion ten years ago, they hadn’t met each other. So there had been no reason for Paula to tell Karen about the family’s terrible secret. Not until now-because next month she would have to drive up to Maine and face the chance that this time it might be her spending a night in that room.
No way would she ever let a son or daughter of hers face that.
“It’s just the way I feel,” she said to Karen, her eyes growing moist. “I’m sorry if that hurts you, baby. You don’t know how sorry I am.”
Karen said nothing more. Once again the discussion had gone nowhere. She just wiped her eyes and grabbed her purse. “I need to go for a walk,” she announced.
“Baby-”
Karen flinched when Paula moved to embrace her. So Paula stood back and let her pass, saying nothing more. The door closed hard on Karen’s way out.
Paula looked once more out the window. She saw Karen emerge from the building onto the sidewalk and hurry down the street. She thought she was crying. Paula’s heart broke.
She turned and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the wall. She looked hard. Closed off. She studied her blue eyes, hiding behind lowered lids. Her face was tight, the lines around her eyes more pronounced. Once, Paula had been very pretty. Her hair was still auburn, her eyelashes still dark and thick, but a light seemed to have gone out in her eyes. It was extinguished by the pain and disappointment that she had seen on the face of the woman she loved. Pain and disappointment she had caused.
Paula let out a long sigh. There was no way she could just sit here and wait for Karen to come back. She needed to talk to someone. Someone who would understand.
Paula grabbed her own purse and hurried out of the apartment, locking the door behind her and taking the steps two at a time. In the building’s garage, she hopped into her Mercedes CLK 350 and roared out onto the street. In a matter of minutes she was on the Massachusetts Turnpike, headed west. She flew through the suburbs, leaving behind the brownstone of the city for the soft rolling hills of the western part of the state. She dug her phone out of her purse and pressed a number on it, holding the device to her ear.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I’m on my way to see you,” she said when the person answered. “Is that okay?” She listened, a small, grateful smile creeping across her face. “Thanks. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”
Her brother’s house was a sprawling white modern structure nestled deep in the woods. Dean had designed it himself. One of the top architects in Boston, Dean Young had been the best baby brother Paula could have asked for. He was the first person she told that she was gay. He had received the news with a warm smile and asked if there was anyone special in her life. At the time, there had not been, but now he and his wife and their kids adored Karen. Little Zac and Callie were always asking when they might have some cousins from Aunt Paula and Aunt Karen. How times were changing. Even in the midst of her distress, Paula smiled, thinking of her brother’s family.
But it was precisely because of those two children-Zac and Callie-that Paula needed so desperately to talk to Dean.
“Hey, sis,” he called to her from the side yard as her car crunched into the gravel driveway. “We’re out back. You’re just in time for a barbecue.”
She got out of the car and walked through the yard. Eleven-year-old twins Zac and Callie were splashing in the small lake on the side of the house, making their way through the tall cattails that grew there. Even from the yard Paula could see the dragonflies skittering above the lake. Dean’s wife Linda was placing a blue-and-white checkered tablecloth on the picnic table. Dean himself had returned to the grill, flipping some burgers and dogs. A typical weekend at the Youngs’ house. The perfect picture of a happy family.
As if something dark wasn’t lurking in the shadows, waiting to destroy them all.
“Where’s Karen?” Linda asked.
“Oh,” Paula said uncomfortably. “She had some…errands to run today.”
Flames crackled from the grill. “You want a hamburger or a hot dog?” Dean asked.
Paula smiled.
“Neither, at the moment.” She glanced out at the kids in the lake. They were waving up at her, calling “Hi, Auntie!” Paula waved back. Again her heart seemed to splinter into a hundred pieces.
She took a seat at the picnic table as Linda poured her a glass of lemonade from a pitcher. “Something on your mind, Paula?” her sister-in-law asked.
“Well…” She hesitated, then smiled. She took a sip of the lemonade. “Yes, there is.”
“We figured, given how you sounded on the phone.” Linda moved around the table toward the grill. “I think it’s time I relieved the cook of his duties. Give you two some time for a good brother-sister chat.”
“Thanks, Lin.”
She watched as Linda, without saying a word, took the spatula from Dean’s hand and nodded for him to join Paula at the table. How comfortable their relationship was. How easy was their communication. There were no secrets between them. There couldn’t be. Linda had witnessed the family curse up close and personal. She had been there for the last family reunion ten years ago. She’d been there to watch their cousin Douglas enter that room in the basement. And she’d been there when they’d opened the door the next morning…
Paula shuddered.
Her brother was sitting down beside her. “What I’m hoping you’ve come to tell us,” he said, “is that you and Karen have finally set a date to get married.”
Paula felt her eyes moisten. “Oh, I wish that was what I was here for.”
Dean reached over and placed his hand over hers. “Talk to me, sis.”
“How do you do it?” she asked him plainly, looking at him directly.
His brown eyes held hers. “How do I do what?”
She gestured over at Zac and Callie splashing in the lake. “How do you go on, knowing that someday they will have to-” She couldn’t bring herself to speak the words.
Her brother sighed. “It’s a terrible burden. All I can do is pray that soon we will no longer have to deal with that room, that we will find a way to end the curse.”
Paula laughed bitterly. “End the curse? Eighty years, Dean! For eighty years-since our great-grandfather’s time-our family has tried to find a way to do that. But we have always failed.”
Dean’s eyes were fixed on his children. A look of profound sadness had settled over his face. “I know, Paula. Sometimes it feels as if there will never be an end.”
“How could you even bring them into this world, knowing what they would have to face?”
He turned to look at her sharply. “You know why! We had hope then! After Dad died in that room, we brought in that expert, Dr. Hobart. Remember? Remember how optimistic we were? It seemed as if the curse was over. When Aunt Jeanette-”
Paula raised her hands instinctively, almost as if to cover her ears. “Yes, Dean! I remember all that! Let’s not speak it aloud again!” It was too hard for Paula to remember. Such hope. It hurt now to remember that they all had had such hope.
He nodded. “All right. But it was during that period that Zac and Callie were born.”
She studied him. “There was hope then, yes. But there was no guarantee.”
He shook his head. “No. There was no guarantee.”
“And you and Linda had them anyway.”
Once again Dean glanced off at his children. He didn’t speak.
“Karen wants a baby,” Paula said after a silence of about a minute. “She’s been wanting one for some time. And I suspect this time will be decisive for her.” She paused. “She’s going to leave me if I don’t agree.”
Her brother moved his eyes back to her. “That’s it, Paula. That’s the answer to why we need the children.”
“What is?”
He smiled wanly. “We can’t stop living.”
“So you’re saying…you chose to have children even though there was no absolute guarantee that Dr. Hobart would rid the family of the curse? You chose to still have them because we can’t stop living?”
Dean nodded slowly.
“And did you ever regret your decision after it turned out that Hobart was wrong-that the curse was still as strong as ever?”
“Look at them in the lake,” Dean told her. Callie was splashing Zac and he was laughing, his tinkly little voice echoing through the trees. “How could I regret them?”
“You’ll regret it if you ever have to watch one of them go in that room!” Paula charged, her voice getting louder. “The way we watched Daddy! Do you want to open that door one morning and see Zac in there-or Callie-the way we saw Daddy? Or cousin Douglas?”
“Of course not!” Dean stood suddenly, angry now. “Of course I don’t want to see that!”
“I don’t want to see it either! So if it means losing Karen, then so be it! I will not bring a child into this world if it means that!”
Linda had approached the table. Her face was torn with concern and anguish. “Please,” she said. “Don’t let the children hear you.”
“I have to believe,” Dean said, lowering his voice, “that this time, it will end.”
“Why this time?” asked Paula. “What makes this time any different from all the other times?”
“Uncle Howard has spent millions in the last ten years. He’s met with all sorts of people. And this time he’s very encouraged. There’s someone up there with him now…”
“How do you know?”
“I phoned him a few days ago, and he told me he was expecting someone.” Dean sighed. “He seemed optimistic.”
Paula shook her head. “He was optimistic about all the others as well.”
“If only we could all just move far away,” Linda mused out loud, her eyes on her children. “Sever all ties to the rest of the family. Start over. New names…”
Her husband was quick to dismiss the idea. “It was tried. You know that, Linda. Uncle Ernie tried that, and we all know what happened to him.”
They were quiet. Yes, indeed, they all knew what had happened to Ernest Young. After attending two successive family reunions, Uncle Ernie decided he no longer wanted to press his luck. He didn’t want to end up in that room himself. So he bundled up his wife and two young daughters and disappeared to parts unknown. None of the rest of the family had known where he was or how to contact him. But something knew how to find him. When Ernie failed to show for the family reunion, Uncle Howard feared the worst for him. But it wasn’t for a couple of weeks that the family learned that his fears were valid. Dental records confirmed that the identities of a family slaughtered by an unknown assailant in their home in the town of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, were not Jim and Julie Baker and their daughters Kathy and Stephanie, as their neighbors had thought for the past seven years. Rather, they were Ernie, Molly, Ann Marie, and Susie Young. Each had been decapitated, and on the walls of their house, written in their blood, were the words: ABANDON HOPE.
There was no running away. That was the lesson Uncle Ernie had taught them. Instead of just one death that year, there were five. The family did, indeed, abandon hope.
At least until Dr. Kip Hobart, a parapsychologist, had come along. There had been séances. There had been exorcisms. There had been Catholic priests and Wiccan shamans. There had been ghost hunters who vowed the house was “clean.” There had been hope. Paula remembered that hope-so painful now that it seemed to burn in her gut. Because the hope had ended the morning they found poor cousin Douglas dead on the floor of that room, his hands tied behind his back and a plastic bag secured over his head.
Poor Douglas. Paula’s mind flashed back to the last family reunion ten years earlier. Douglas had had a teenaged son and namesake whom he sent upstairs to bed before they all gathered in the parlor for the lottery. Little Douglas was sound asleep upstairs, unaware of the terror his father faced in the basement. Paula remembered the way the boy’s face had crumpled in the morning when he learned the news of his father’s death. Little Douglas was now old enough this year to be told the family secret. Uncle Howard surely had plans to sit down with him and break it to him, as gently as
possible.
And what happened after Uncle Howard was gone? He was ninety-eight years old. Surely this was his last reunion. Who would take over from him? Paula just wanted to burn the house down-or at least move out. But that had been tried, too. A couple of generations ago, the whole family had tried running away, all except Uncle Howard, who feared such avoidance of the lottery would only bring about more slaughter. He was right. On the designated night, no one entered the basement room-but on the next morning, Francis Young, one of the far-flung nephews, died of a massive heart attack. The morning after, Francis’s infant son Michael was found dead in his crib. And on the morning after that, one hundred miles away, twelve-year-old Andrew Young dropped dead face-first into his oatmeal. The remaining members of the clan got the message. Terrified, they all rushed to Uncle Howard’s house. The lottery was held as it should have been, and David Young, Francis’s younger brother, was chosen to enter the room. The next morning, David was dead of a stab wound to the heart, but the parade of deaths ended after that.
At least for another decade.
What always amazed Paula was how the local Youngsport authorities never seemed to get wise to the odd mortality schedule of the family. Much of it had to do, of course, with Uncle Howard’s wealth: if the richest man in the state, indeed one of the richest men in the country, decided that the strange deaths that occurred regularly every ten years in his house were suicides or accidents, then the authorities simply went along. Even this latest sheriff, George Patterson, known to be a hard nut to crack, had been fooled by the death of cousin Douglas. At first he was skeptical that Douglas had accidentally suffocated himself while trying to play a trick, casting suspicious eyes around at all of them. But the family’s abject grief had finally absolved them of any blame in the sheriff’s mind. They didn’t seem like murderers; they seemed like a family decimated by tragedy-which they were.
Dean was calling the kids to come up and eat. Their hamburgers and hot dogs were ready. Paula stood, feeling no better than she had when she left the city to come out here. She had hoped that Dean might be able to say something to her-anything-that could have alleviated some of her anguish. But hope was no longer a commodity in her life. She understood that finally. Karen would leave her. She’d be alone. That was her fate. It was, no doubt, better that way.
