by J. H. Croix
Janie shrugged. “You know. Busy here, busy at home. Just busy. You?”
“My own kind of busy. This time of year is probably the craziest for me with all the holiday fundraisers. I’ll be in Anchorage all weekend for three different events. Nathan’s being a good sport and going with me. You know how much he loves wearing a jacket and tie, so…” Tess chuckled.
Janie managed a grin in reply, but it was weak and she knew it. Tess’s eyes narrowed. “Are you okay?”
Janie tried to smile again and play it off, but she just didn’t have it. She set the papers in her hand down and leaned back in her chair. “I’m tired. I’m sick of people asking me about my mom’s ex because all it does is make me remember how shitty things were. So there’s that. Oh, and Travis told me he loved me and I forgot how to talk, so we haven’t talked in a week.”
Tess looked over at her from her perch on the desk, her eyes warm and understanding. “Oh hon. Where should I start?”
Janie’s throat was tight and tears were hot against her eyelids. She swallowed against the tightness and took a deep breath. “Uh, wherever you think.”
Tess was quiet, her eyes considering. “Well, let’s get Randy out of the way first. It’s never fun to have to face the past when you can’t do a damn thing about it, especially when the hell he put you and your mom through wasn’t your fault. All I can say is try to move on. He assaulted a cop, so it’s news, but the only way you can stay sane is to try to let it go. My guess is it’s bothering you more than it might because of Travis. You made some choices about how you lived your life because of Randy. Travis is calling those choices into question.”
Janie stared at Tess, her stomach doing a funny flip. She didn’t like to think she was allowing Randy to affect her that much. Tess’s eyes were warm and steady as she looked back at Janie. Janie finally took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. “Maybe so, but what do I do about it?”
Tess shrugged. “I’m no expert, but with that kind of thing, just acknowledging it goes a long way. You can’t change the past, but you can take a hard look at how it’s affecting your present and try to make sure you don’t let it run your life.”
Janie absorbed Tess’s words and felt some of the tension bundled up in knots ease slightly. After she nodded slowly, Tess moved on. She was nothing if not efficient in everything she did. “Now, onto Travis. What do you mean you forgot how to talk?”
Janie shrugged, feeling a blush heat her cheeks. She felt like an idiot. She was thirty-three years old and should have some kind of clue how to have a relationship conversation, but she was stumbling along blindly. “Just that. He wanted to talk and said he thought he loved me, and I just couldn’t figure out what to say. I did say I wanted some time to slow down, but I think I hurt his feelings. I didn’t mean to! He startled me. Stella was home and I just froze. Next thing I knew, he said unless he heard from me, he’d leave me alone. Or something like that.”
“How long ago was this?”
“A week.”
Tess pursed her lips and cocked her head to the side. “A week and you haven’t tried to communicate at all? Text, call, anything?”
Janie threw her hands up and shook her head. “No! What do I say? I’m terrible at this because I have no practice. He freaked me out. I just wanted a little room to breathe and he shows up and says he loves me.”
Tess arched a brow. “I think you know exactly how you feel.”
“How can you know if I don’t know?” Janie asked mulishly.
“If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t be worried. You’d be thinking it was all a little awkward, but you’d find a graceful way out. Instead you’re frozen. You know what they say about fear?”
“What?” Janie asked with a roll of her eyes. Inside, she was spinning at Tess’s blunt observation.
“When people are faced with something they fear, they have three possible ways to react: fight, flight, or freeze. You’re freezing. If you weren’t afraid, there’d be nothing to freeze up about.”
“Oh.” Janie’s one word response belied how she felt inside—a wild tumble of emotion. Tess’s observation was so apt, it frightened her.
“Oh is right,” Tess said wryly. “The next question is what do you plan to do about it?”
“That’s the problem! I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you want to talk to him and you’re afraid. I get it. I really do. But if you don’t want to blow your chance, you might want to stop waiting around.”
Janie’s heart started beating rapidly at the mere idea of losing this chance with Travis. She stared at Tess, seeing the warmth behind her blunt words in her eyes. She nodded slowly. “Right. Okay. I’ll figure this out.” She glanced at the clock above the door. “Unfortunately, I’m about to be late to go get Stella to practice.” She stood and grabbed her jacket and purse. Tess walked quickly down the hallway with her. When they started to part ways in the parking lot with a cold winter wind gusting, Tess called her name. Janie looked back, her hair blowing wildly in the wind. “What?”
“Don’t wait too long. You’ve got a phone. Use it!”
At that, Tess turned and climbed into her car. Janie stood where she was and watched Tess drive away. She spun around to face the bay. Her eyes were watering from the cold wind, but it felt good. It numbed her outside and in.
The following afternoon, Janie watched her students get up in unison at the sound of the bell and race out of her classroom. She sat down with a sigh. After Tess’s blunt talk with her yesterday, she’d meant to text Travis last night. Instead, Stella had a mini-meltdown over some girl in her class who she thought liked Parker. Janie had spent the late evening after recital practice listening to Stella rant and trying to help her see what was painfully obvious—that she liked Parker as much more than a friend. Stella had grudgingly admitted that she’d never cared before about girls who liked Parker, but now it mattered ‘a lot a lot’ to her.
This morning, the guy who plowed her driveway had called to report he’d be late because one of the hinges on the plow needed to be repaired. Janie had shoveled a barely wide enough path to get out of the driveway and make it to work on time after another snowstorm dumped a good foot of snow the night before. She’d been exhausted before class even began. Once again, her mind spun to Travis. The farther away she got from Tess’s talk, the more she started to freeze up again. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and considered texting Travis now. But she reasoned she was too tired to be sensible tonight, so she didn’t.
Chapter 20
Hours later, she turned on the late night news. Another evening of reviewing homework and prepping lesson plans during recital practice, and she was finally done with her day. She’d been beyond relieved to discover her circular driveway plowed when she got home. After a quick dinner of leftovers, Stella had dragged herself to bed with Pansy right on her heels. Stella had been as tired as Janie, although her mood her been better after Parker told her he didn’t like the girl flirting with him at school. Janie was barely paying attention to the news when she heard Diamond Creek mentioned. She grabbed the remote and turned it up.
“Crews are responding to a massive fire at the Midnight Sun Lodges, a hotel in Diamond Creek. The hotel is one of the largest in the area with over three hundred rooms. Reports from the scene indicate the fire escalated quickly, although we don’t yet know the cause. At this point, they’ve requested support from nearby towns with the Kenai and Homer crews already on the scene. We’re told that there were guests present in the hotel, and crews have already confirmed the building was evacuated safely. At the moment, two firefighters are unaccounted for, and we’re waiting for an update on their status. We’ll report back when we have more information.”
Janie could hardly breathe and remained frozen where she was for a moment. Suddenly, she leapt up from the couch, her gut churning and anxiety roiling her. She had to find out if Travis was okay. She didn’t doubt for a second he was there. She could only pray he was safe
. She started to race upstairs, only to stop when Stella almost ran right into her as she barreled down the stairs. “Mom! We have to go to the harbor. Parker just texted me there’s a big fire at Midnight Sky. We have to make sure Travis is okay.”
Janie stared up at Stella where she stood a few stairs above her. She’d been meaning to call up to Stella that she would be back in a bit, but Stella’s suggestion hit her like a bucket of cold water. She couldn’t bring Stella with her. If Travis wasn’t okay, if something happened to him, she couldn’t let Stella find out that way. As if she could read Janie’s mind, Stella shook her head and walked past her on the stairs. “You’re not making me wait here. I can bet you’re worried how I might react if something happens to him. You forget what I’ve already gone through. My first mom died of an overdose, and I’m the one who found her. I can deal with all kinds of things. I’m going with you.”
Stella practically stomped to the kitchen door and started to pull on her boots. When she straightened up and looked over at Janie, her chin was set and her eyes determined. Janie stared back at her, slightly stunned at Stella’s courage. Her chest tightened with emotion to realize how much Stella cared about Travis. Regardless of her concerns about bringing Stella with her, Stella had just made the decision for her. “Okay. You can come with me, but you’re staying out of the way. Are we clear?”
Stella nodded quickly. Pansy had followed Stella downstairs and was lingering at her side, her eyes bouncing between Janie and Stella. Stella looked down at her and back to Janie. “We can’t take her with us,” Janie said firmly.
Stella seemed to realize she’d won her own small battle already, so she nodded. “Okay.” She leaned over and stroked Pansy’s sleek black head. “We’ll be back, Pansy.” She straightened again and snagged her coat off its hook on the wall.
After Janie stepped into her boots and tugged her coat on, they walked outside into the icy cold night. Janie was swinging between frantic worry and trying to cling to some sense of holding it together. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of Stella, but her fears for Travis were real and close to overwhelming. Stella was quiet on the ride toward Otter Cove Harbor. Midnight Sun Lodges was situated beside the harbor. Janie was a bundle of nerves with anxiety, worry and fear chasing each other in circles inside. Her muscles were taut and she felt sick to the point of verging on nausea. All she could think about was Travis and making sure he was okay.
When they approached the harbor, Janie could see far more lights than usual lighting up the area. As she scanned the parking lot by the hotel, she could see spotlights shining brightly from several fire trucks. Flames were shooting up into the night sky over one wing of the hotel with smoke billowing out and filling the area with haze. There were fire trucks from the Diamond Creek station, along with a few others from Kenai and Homer. Police vehicles were everywhere. A large cluster of people was gathered to one side of the parking lot. Janie guessed that to be everyone who’d been evacuated from the hotel. She parked at a distance and looked over at Stella. “I want you to wait here.”
Stella opened her mouth and then closed it promptly. “Fine. Promise you’ll come tell me once you know what’s going on.”
“Promise.” Janie checked the heat and left the car running when she climbed out. Stella had already slipped her phone out of her pocket and started to text. Janie figured she was texting back and forth with Parker and some of her friends.
The scent of smoke filled the air. Her boots crunched against the packed snow as she walked toward what appeared to be a makeshift command area with the police chief, Darren, busy chatting with a few officers. All firefighters in sight were manning hoses from the fire trucks and moving in and out of the building. Janie paused and scanned the area, trying to see if she could locate Travis in the milieu. When she couldn’t, she lost her breath again for a moment, the fear clogging her throat and chest. She had to force herself to take a slow breath. She strode quickly toward Darren, blinking against the bright lights as she got closer.
Darren was busy looking at a set of plans spread out on a folding table with the Diamond Creek fire chief, Ken Hanson, at his side. When Janie reached them, she saw they were looking at what must be the building plans for the hotel. Darren glanced up to see her. The moment his eyes landed on her, she knew Travis was one of the firefighters missing somewhere in the hotel.
“Where’s Travis?” she asked bluntly.
Ken’s head whipped up, and Darren glanced to him and back to her. Of the two, she knew Darren better, mostly because he was married to Risa who she’d met through her friendship with Tess. Darren straightened his shoulders. “Hey Janie, right now we’re trying to narrow down where he might be. He and Ben were the first ones in the building to help get everyone evacuated. We have a last confirmed location for both of them. Travis was last seen by the stairwell on the third floor. Ben was on the second floor on the other end of the building.”
The fear coiling inside of her knotted tighter. She was relieved Darren hadn’t bothered to hide the fact Travis was one of the two missing somewhere in the building. She couldn’t seem to speak over the rushing sound in her ears. Ken’s voice cut through. “We’ll find them both, Janie. We’ve got two crews working to manage the fire and we’ve sent in pairs to search for them.”
She felt herself nodding, but she still couldn’t talk. She looked beyond them to the hotel. It had three main wings and was three stories high. It seemed massive to her right now. Travis could be anywhere in there. The possibilities for something bringing harm to him felt endless. All it would take was one of those possibilities. Emotion welled inside, and her knees almost buckled. She felt someone’s arm ease around her waist. “Let’s get you sitting down,” a voice said. Whoever it was moved her a few steps away and helped her sit down in a folding chair. She was too stunned to realize who it was until she managed to gulp in a breath of cold, smoky air. She glanced up to see Sylvia Cunningham resting her hips on the edge of the table.
Sylvia’s warm eyes caught hers. “Sit tight. I’ll wait with you,” she said firmly.
Janie felt strangely numb. The cold didn’t bother her in the slightest. She glanced around and felt like she was in the eye of a hurricane with activity swirling around her while she just sat there. She gave herself a shake and looked over at Sylvia. “Shouldn’t you be back at the station?”
“I’m not on duty tonight at the 911 line. Michael still keeps his scanner on because the man doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of retirement,” she began, referencing her husband who used to be the police chief. “When we heard this call come over the scanner, we came down right away. I figured they could use a hand on this side of things. Michael’s over there,” she said, gesturing to her husband who stood by one of the ambulances.
“Aren’t you worried about Travis and Ben?” Janie asked, fighting a rising sense of irritation at Sylvia’s calmness and that of Darren and Ken as well.
“Of course! But we can’t go letting that drive what we do, can we? You can’t do emergency work and lose it every time something might’ve gone wrong. I’m hoping for the best. These guys know what they’re doing. If Travis happened to be out here and one of his buddies was lost in there, he’d be calm and cool because that’s what he’d have to be.”
Sylvia leaned forward and gripped Janie’s hands between hers. “Hold on. Don’t go thinking the worst.”
Janie realized how icy cold her hands were when Sylvia gave her hands a squeeze before she leaned back again. Janie fumbled in her coat pocket and pulled out a pair of gloves. It was only then she realized she hadn’t even bothered to change before they left. She’d stripped out of her work clothes after dinner and tossed on her favorite sweatpants and a t-shirt she usually slept in. She looked over at Sylvia with a shrug as she pulled her gloves on. “I forgot to change before we came down here.” She took a deep breath to try to ease the fear racing through her. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m usually calm, even in emergencies, but…”
Janie’s heart felt funny—filled with fear, but also a disconcerting openness. It was as if she was finally giving into what she’d been pushing against. She stared out into the smudgy dark sky, the stars glittering even through the haze of smoke, before she met Sylvia’s gaze. “I kinda blew it. I was getting up the nerve to try to make things right and then this happened tonight.”
“What do you mean you blew it?”
“I got a little freaked out and wanted some breathing room. He went and told me he thought he loved me and I forgot how to talk. That was over a week ago, and I feel like an idiot. Even worse, now I’m scared I won’t even get a chance to make sure he knows how I feel. I might not be any good at this whole relationship thing, but I could’ve handled it a little better.”
“Ah, so he did take my advice,” Sylvia said softly, so softly Janie wasn’t sure she heard right over the hubbub of noise around them.
“Huh?”
“Oh, I told him he should tell you how he felt. Sounds like he did.”
“You told him that?”
Sylvia shrugged. “Sure. Hon, I’m old, way too old to think it’s worth dancing around things like this. Maybe you didn’t handle it so great, but it sounds like you might’ve woken up inside. Nobody said love was easy. Trust me, I’ve been married to Michael a long damn time. Catch me on a bad day and I still screw up.” She paused, her eyes searching Janie’s. “How do you feel about him?”
“Right now?”
“Yes, right now. A night like this will bring things into focus, so don’t dismiss it.”
Janie stared at her. Her heart was beating hard and fast—she was so afraid of what might happen, or had already happened, to Travis. Yet, through that, her feelings crystallized. She loved him. She knew that with certainty. She didn’t know if she was ready, but that worry was tiny beside the depth and breadth of her feelings for him. A blast of wind gusted across the parking lot, blowing smoke and cold air across them. She held Sylvia’s gaze. “I love him.”
