by Dani Atkins
‘We’ve looked everywhere for Connor’s school bag,’ the young teaching assistant told him. ‘I suggest we give up for now and have another hunt for it on Monday.’
She was new. She didn’t know Connor or what had happened to their family. Which might have explained her look of disapproval when a white-faced Connor insisted, ‘We can’t go without it. The phone is in my bag. What if Mummy wants to speak to me?’
‘You know, Connor really shouldn’t be bringing a mobile phone to school, it’s not—’ the assistant began, before a wild-eyed glare from her colleague silenced her.
Ignoring the staff, Alex crouched down before his son and laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, big guy. We’re not leaving here without Mummy’s phone. I’ll find it.’
And he had, buried beneath an avalanche of beanbags and footballs in the dusty cloakroom, but it had taken forty precious minutes of time he hadn’t really had to spare.
It made him late for dropping Connor off at Todd’s, where Barbara was to be babysitting the two young cousins that evening. And that was another thing that worried him. He was very fond of Barbara, she was a lovely lady, but she had far more experience looking after cats than people.
‘Well, don’t you look nice,’ Dee had greeted him with at the door. ‘Very 007.’
Alex smiled vaguely as he passed her Connor’s overnight bag. ‘You too,’ he replied automatically, his eyes following his son as Maisie led him away down the hallway.
‘Alex, this is my dressing gown,’ Dee laughed, playfully slapping his shoulder, which at least made him take a second look at her floor-length blue satin robe. His laughter sounded like the canned variety they used in TV sitcoms.
The playfulness was gone from Dee’s voice as she leant closer and reassuringly squeezed Alex’s hand. ‘Connor will be absolutely fine. We’re only going to be gone for a couple of hours. And Barbara has all our numbers, as well as the one for the doctor, the emergency dentist and even the local police station.’
‘It’s just that I’ve not left him with anyone except you and Todd, since…’ Would it always be this hard to say the words, he wondered.
‘I know. And I understand. But he’ll be okay, Alex. Barbara will probably spoil them both rotten. She’s really psyched to be playing grandma for the evening.’
Alex nodded reluctantly. Dee had given him a gentle push away from her front door. ‘Go and pick up Molly and we’ll see you both in a little while.’
A near miss with a swerving taxi en route to Molly’s house had set Alex’s heart racing, and oddly even when the black cab was just a pair of red tail lights disappearing into the rain, his agitation remained. He was nervous, he realised, with a small jolt of surprise. Not for the first time he found himself thinking how life had been far easier before the four recipients had ever met. He’d orchestrated something when he’d invited them all to the planetarium, something that had slipped from his grasp and taken on a life of its own. They’d formed an instant connection with each other which he’d never expected, and which none of the articles he’d read on cellular memory had ever mentioned.
Alex’s hands tightened on the steering wheel as a feeling he wasn’t proud of elbowed its way to the front of his mind. Was he jealous? Did he begrudge them their individual friendships because they excluded him? In a series of snapshot memories he saw Molly running through the rain to jump into Mac’s car at the planetarium, and the look in Mac’s eyes when Molly had entered the kitchen on the night of the bonfire party. Alex knew that look, it was one he’d given Lisa a thousand times. Only now Mac was looking through Lisa’s eyes, and sharing it with Molly.
Thirty minutes later, his phone’s satnav led him to the address where the heart of the woman he loved now lived. He shook his head as his car headlights spliced the darkness of Molly’s street. He had to stop thinking like that.
25
Molly
He was late. And I was growing increasingly anxious, with no real idea why. Should I have insisted on making my own way there tonight? Surely that would have been easier for everyone, plus it would have allowed me to make an early escape whenever I wanted. Because there was something about this evening that was making me nervous. No, scratch that, there was a lot about this evening that was making me nervous. Not least of which was that I didn’t have anything suitable to wear.
‘I’ve a couple of dresses you could borrow,’ Kyra had offered, which was sweet of her, but unless I suddenly grew a foot taller, I couldn’t see how that would work.
‘My only formal dress is cut down to here,’ I told her, pointing to the middle of my ribcage. ‘Even without my scar, I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing something like that with these people. It seems kind of… disrespectful?’
Kyra gave an extremely laid-back Australian shrug. ‘Well, it looks like you and me are going shopping then.’
She’d been on my doorstep ridiculously early on the first Saturday after payday. I was dressed but still a good twenty minutes short of being ready.
‘Sorry,’ she said, handing me a cup of takeout coffee she’d picked up on the way. ‘Doesn’t seem to matter how long I’ve lived here, I can’t shake the Aussie habit of rising early.’
‘I won’t be a minute,’ I promised as she followed me into the kitchen.
My ceramic wall tiles threw up our reflections, and in them I caught the moment her steps faltered on seeing the row of medication lined up on my worktop beside a large glass of water. My hands went from packet to packet, releasing pills from their blister casings and popping them into my mouth.
She waited until the last one was gone before asking quietly, ‘Will you always have to take that many?’
I swept up the boxes and put them back in the cupboard. They took up almost an entire shelf.
‘Without them, my body would go into rejection,’ I said, trying not to shudder. For transplant patients, mentioning the R-word is like invoking Voldemort. I gave a small shrug. ‘So yes, this is me for the rest of my life.’ I dropped my eyes to hide the unspoken tag end of that sentence. For however long that might be.
It was the elephant in every room. It was the topic my mother refused to discuss. My operation had been a success, my recovery practically textbook, but there were no guarantees with this kind of procedure. Every heart transplant patient knows and understands that. However carefully I looked after it, Lisa’s heart might still resist its new location and not give me the extra decades I was hoping for.
Despite the winter sun streaming in through the window, it suddenly felt as though a cloud had passed over my kitchen.
‘Come on then,’ Kyra urged, shaking off the dark mood and knocking back the last of her coffee. ‘Let’s go and spend a shitload of your money on a dress you’ll probably only ever wear once.’
We found the dress in one of the more upmarket department stores in town, when I was only minutes away from abandoning my quest. There it was, waiting for me to discover it, hidden away at the end of a rail. It won’t be my size, I thought as I lifted the hanger down. Or it’ll be another one with a plunging décolletage. But I was already smiling broadly. This was my dress. I spun around to show it to Kyra, who wolf-whistled impressively. I grinned at the black halter-neck gown with the high, jewel-encrusted collar and the back that was almost not there; it was as though I’d just found an old friend.
‘I’m trying it on,’ I said.
Sometime between slipping out of my jeans and boots and into the amazing dress, I appeared to forget I was a modestly paid primary school teacher with a big mortgage. Even sliding over my debit card at the till – quickly, in case I changed my mind – failed to remind me.
*
My phoned pinged with an incoming message, dragging my attention away from the woman in the mirror, the one who looked like she’d mistakenly wandered off a red carpet and somehow ended up in my bedroom. She was the glamorous and more sophisticated twin I’d never had. Although a stranger to me, I rather liked the beachy wav
es in her hair and the smoky shade of grey across her eyelids. Even the red gloss on her lips looked good, if she could only remember to stop biting them anxiously.
Sorry. Running late. Be with you in five. Alex
It was a relief to see no ‘x’ after his name. It drew a line in the sand that neither of us should think about crossing. Ever. I wasn’t disappointed, not at all, I told myself resolutely as I slipped into my coat.
The pavements were slick with rain, and I was wearing the kind of heels that made anything faster than a sedate walk virtually impossible. As I approached his car, I saw him unbuckling his seatbelt. He stepped out of the car and reached my side when I was still several feet away from the passenger door.
‘Molly,’ he said, with what sounded like genuine pleasure. I could feel my pulse racing as he rested his hands lightly on my shoulders and leant in. His lips grazed my cheek for less than a second, and yet I could still feel the warmth of his mouth on my skin as he politely held the car door open for me.
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ he said as he unspooled a length of seatbelt for me. I was afraid he intended fastening it around me, so I reached for the buckle, missed and ended up grasping his fingers instead. We both laughed awkwardly. Within my chest, Lisa’s heart gave the customary little jump I’d almost come to expect whenever it got close to the man she’d loved. I willed it to be still, and thankfully, as we pulled away from the kerb, it began to quieten.
It turned out that Alex drove even faster than Mac did. That wasn’t a criticism, just an observation, but I didn’t share it with him. Drawing comparisons between the two men felt weirdly wrong – on any level. Despite having corresponded for months, this was the first time Alex and I had been completely alone, so perhaps it wasn’t surprising that I felt anxious. We kept our conversation to fairly neutral topics: Connor; Alex’s job and my job; and how we’d chosen our careers.
‘It was always going to be something to do with children for me,’ I said, relaxing back on the leather seat and basking in the warmth from his car’s efficient heater.
‘If how you are with Connor is anything to go by, you’re a natural-born teacher.’
I gave an embarrassed laugh and turned towards the side window, surprised to discover we were almost at our destination. Before us was the elegant glass-walled tower designed by Mac. It blazed with lights from the ground-floor foyer all the way up to its rooftop garden.
‘It looks pretty impressive at night,’ Alex observed, his eyes like mine travelling to the four enormous fountains that flanked the building. Discreetly positioned lasers illuminated the cascading water, turning them into moving sculptures of red, green and gold.
A cluster of dark-suited security officers were positioned by the door, carrying clipboards and muttering importantly into two-way radios. There was even a length of red carpet on the pavement leading up to the entrance, giving the scene a decidedly Oscar-like air.
Alex had taken my arm when we’d crossed the road and had somehow forgotten to release it again. I wondered how awkward it would be to tug it away and decided it was easier to leave it.
‘Could I have your name, please, sir?’
‘Stevens,’ Alex supplied automatically. The guard ran his finger down the list on his clipboard, before eventually switching to the sheet reserved for VIP guests. Alex’s eyes widened in amusement, and I only just managed to hide my own smile. Mac hadn’t been kidding when he said it was a fancy event.
‘Enjoy your evening, Mr and Mrs Stevens,’ he said, summoning the lift that would carry us up to the penthouse floor. A spasm of pain flashed across Alex’s face.
Neither of us mentioned the guard’s mistake as we rode the mirror-walled lift. Whichever way I turned, I could see two elegantly dressed people who might look like a couple but who were really little more than strangers. What our reflections couldn’t show was the unique and unbreakable bond that would forever tether my life to his. It would be there with every beat of this heart, I realised silently, as the doors slid open and spilt us out into the party.
*
Nervous tension thrummed through me as we stepped out onto the penthouse floor. It was certainly an incredible venue for a party. There had to have been more than two hundred people present, and yet it still felt spacious. Many of the women had chosen to wear black, and with the men in formal dress too, the room resembled a colony of penguins in an Attenborough documentary.
Breaking the unwritten colour code, the figure approaching us through the crowd was dressed in a vibrant emerald-green satin gown.
‘You made it,’ declared Dee, hugging first her brother-in-law and then, surprisingly, me too. It was only the third time we’d met, but it felt completely natural to hug her back.
‘Have you had a chance yet to call…’ Alex began, breaking off as I slipped off my coat. The look on his face made every penny I’d spent on the dress I couldn’t afford worthwhile. ‘… erm… home?’ he completed, with a shake of his head, as though his thoughts needed jiggling back into place.
Dee laughed lightly. ‘Twice,’ she admitted, with a self-deprecating grin.
‘Twice? I thought you said you trusted Barbara?’
‘Relax!’ Dee leant forward and squeezed Alex’s hand reassuringly. ‘I have total faith in Barbara; it’s Maisie who can’t be trusted.’
Dee wore a look I recognised from practically every mother’s eyes in the school playground. I’d never coveted that kind of love before, but lately I’d felt my emotions shifting.
‘I keep hoping some of Connor’s good behaviour will rub off onto his cousin,’ she explained with a wry smile. ‘But so far, no such luck.’
‘Well, I’d prefer it the other way around. I’d love Connor to do something outrageously naughty. He’s still so distant most of the time.’
Completely of its own volition, my hand reached out and settled on Alex’s forearm. ‘You have to give him time. It’s still very raw for him. I’m sure he’ll find his way back to you eventually.’
Three pairs of eyes looked down at where my hand was resting on the black silk of Alex’s tuxedo. I’m pretty sure my own wore the most surprised expression. I was taken aback by my boldness.
‘Champagne,’ cried a very welcome voice, breaking the spell. Todd was weaving his way through the crowd, carrying a cluster of four champagne glasses in his hands.
‘Has anyone seen Mac yet?’ asked Alex, relieving his brother of one of the glasses with one hand and taking my coat from me with the other.
‘Only from a distance,’ Dee said. ‘He’s being monopolised by the owners of the building and a gaggle of businessmen.’
Todd laughed and slid an arm around his wife’s waist. ‘Did you just invent a new collective noun?’
Dee turned and smiled at her husband so brightly, I felt like my eyes needed Polaroid protection. In a moment of blinding insight, I realised that this was how the banter must have always been between the four of them: easy, loving and filled with laughter as they bounced off each other like practised performers. I felt suddenly like an intruder, trying to step into shoes that weren’t even vacant, let alone my size.
‘I think I’ll just go over and say hello to him,’ I said a little awkwardly. I caught a glimpse of what might have been a small frown as Alex disappeared in search of a cloakroom for my coat.
Even in a sea of black tuxedos, Mac was easy to spot, being one of the tallest men in the room. At least the heels I was wearing would make me feel less like a child alongside him, I thought as I carefully manoeuvred my way through the throng of partygoers.
My nerves failed me when I was almost upon him. He was busy listening to a man with a shock of grey hair, nodding occasionally at whatever was being said. I’d fled from the presence of Lisa, who seemed to have unexpectedly joined us at the party, and now I worried that disturbing Mac would make me feel just as uncomfortable. He was turned away from me, so I made a snap decision to melt back into the crowd unobserved. Unfortunately, I didn’t stop to look where
I was going – a trait that had become so routine lately, I was considering having it etched on my gravestone. I spun around sharply, completely blind to the waiter with the tray of canapés standing right behind me. The edge of the platter caught my shoulder, and several dark, sticky, caviar toasts flew into the air. A few stuck to the waiter’s white jacket and the rest tumbled to the ground, followed seconds later by the silver platter. It clattered on the floor like a cymbal solo in an orchestra.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to be anywhere else in the world.
‘Molly,’ cried a voice immediately behind me.
I turned around, more slowly this time.
‘I thought that had to be you.’ His eyes dropped briefly to the waiter, who was hurriedly scooping up the remaining canapés before they got trodden into the bleached wooden floor. Mac had a broad smile on his lips. ‘I recognised your calling card.’
There was no malice in his words, and I could hardly argue with him. I was batting one hundred in my bid to claim the title of world’s clumsiest woman.
His eyes were warm as they looked at me, but he made no move to close the distance between us or kiss me hello. He’s probably keeping you at arm’s length in case you break something else, a voice in my head jibed wickedly. I’m surprised he’s willing to let you anywhere near his beautiful brand-new building.
‘Are the others here?’ he asked, scanning the crowd for the rest of the Stevens family.
The rest of the Stevens family? I flinched at the ease with which my subconscious had made it seem as though I too was a member of that family.
‘They’re over on the other side, near the windows,’ I said, which was hardly a reliable description, as the entire room was edged with floor-to-ceiling windows, many of them opening onto a floodlit deck and the rooftop garden.
