by Dani Atkins
‘I was thinking of getting something techie for Jamie, maybe one of those activity trackers?’ Mac said, studying a display of watch-like devices that could record everything from your rate of respiration to what you’d had for breakfast. ‘He was talking about rebuilding his fitness, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wear one of these – have you?’
The last time I’d seen Jamie, he was looking troubled as he walked out of a pawn shop. There was a good chance Mac’s generous gift might end up there too, but that wasn’t my secret to share.
‘I’m sure he’d love one.’
The only gifts Mac didn’t need my help with were the two expensive bottles of aged malt whisky he bought for Alex and Todd and the construction kit he picked out for Connor.
‘I always loved this kind of thing when I was a kid,’ he said, carrying the enormous box over to the counter. ‘I guess I’ve always been into building things.’
By the time we made our way back onto the street, the weather had worsened. The sky was the colour of pewter and the snowflakes were so large and persistent that they were settling on even the moving vehicles.
‘Perhaps we should cut the day short?’ I suggested, ignoring my growling stomach.
‘That would be a shame,’ Mac said. ‘I managed to get us a table for lunch at Edmonds.’
I tried and failed not to look impressed. Edmonds had a reputation for excellent food, great wine and a waiting list for reservations. Behind its eighteenth-century townhouse exterior was an intimate dining area with rustic tables that were always lit by candles, even in the middle of the day. Not surprisingly, it was a popular choice for romantic first dates and marriage proposals.
‘I thought we’d just be grabbing a sandwich from Pret,’ I said, looking down at my jeans and jumper apologetically. ‘I’m not really dressed for anywhere fancy.’
I felt Mac’s eyes run over me like a scorch. ‘You look fine. More than fine,’ he corrected. ‘You look lovely.’ And then before things teetered into awkward, he spun the mood around 180 on a conversational skid pad. ‘And I don’t think a sandwich is a fitting way to thank you for helping me today.’
The restaurant was only a few streets away, and although Mac offered to hail a taxi, I assured him I was happy to walk in the snow. Between the pulled-down bobble hat and the pulled-up scarf there was hardly any exposed skin. And yet the wind still managed to drive tiny icy crystals into my face, no doubt ruining the make-up I’d applied so carefully that morning.
We were one street away from the restaurant when I spotted something that made me tug on Mac’s arm, which I’d been unashamedly hanging onto. It was too late to regret my choice of footwear, but the heels on my boots had left me as sure-footed as Bambi on the cobbled side streets.
‘Is there time before our reservation to pop in here?’ I asked, inclining my head towards the three-storey Tudor building which housed one of the biggest bookshops in the city.
‘Of course,’ he replied equably. ‘Are you looking for something specific?’
He was holding the shop door open for me while shaking the snow from his hair, which the elements had turned the colour of mahogany. A few persistent flakes had settled on his eyelashes and were sparkling like diamond chips. I had a disturbingly strong urge to reach up and wipe them free.
‘I’ve been trying to track down a book I remember reading when I was a child,’ I explained, already heading towards the impressive wooden staircase. ‘It’s about a little boy who stows away on a rocket to the moon, and when he gets there he meets his grandfather who passed away before he was born. I thought it would be a lovely gift—’
‘—for Connor,’ Mac completed, his voice full of affection.
Our eyes locked in understanding. The links that had been forged between us felt as strong as ever.
‘The book’s been out of print for years, and the only copies I’ve managed to find online were ridiculously expensive. So I’ve taken to looking in every second-hand bookshop I happen to go past. I feel like I’m meant to find this book and give it to him.’
We’d paused at a turn in the stairs and I heard my words as though a stranger had spoken them. ‘That sounds way more crazy than I thought it was going to.’ I laughed nervously.
In reply, Mac took hold of my hand, guiding me towards the next flight and following the signs to the pre-owned books section. ‘It makes perfect sense to me,’ he said quietly.
That was when I realised how badly I wanted to kiss him.
31
Molly
There’s a smell to old books that someone really ought to bottle. It took me instantly back to my childhood and long school holidays spent in the dusty storeroom of the local library where Mum worked. It was the place where a sometimes lonely, shy little girl had found friends at a school for wizards and travelled back in time to drink ginger beer and solve mysteries with five imaginary pals.
It was no surprise that books went on to play a significant part in my chosen career. Storytime was, and always would be, my favourite part of the teaching day.
I left Mac browsing the section on historical architecture and promised that I wouldn’t be long. I realised that might have been a tad over-optimistic when I discovered the pre-loved children’s books weren’t shelved in alphabetical order. There were so many titles from my childhood calling out to me that it was a genuine struggle to ignore them. Among them were plenty I’d have loved to read again, but none was the story I was looking for. Eventually I gave a resigned sigh; it was always going to be a long shot.
I zigzagged back to where I’d left Mac, checking the shelves as I passed. I was about four stacks away when I realised he was talking to someone. I couldn’t make out his words at first, but there was something about the tone of his voice that stopped me in my tracks; it sounded taut, like an excessively tightened guitar string about to snap. I strained my ears to listen.
‘I didn’t know I was meant to,’ I heard him say.
‘It would have been nice if you’d asked me. After all, I was there the whole time you were designing it.’
‘And then you weren’t,’ Mac added pointedly.
It didn’t take a genius to work out the identity of the unseen woman. It had to be his ex-girlfriend, Carrie. And from the sounds of it, she seemed to think she should have been invited to his recent opening ceremony. I was truly indignant – and I didn’t even know the woman.
‘You made it perfectly clear, Carrie, that you wanted a clean break.’ Mac’s voice was cool and even.
There was a long silence and I was afraid they’d be able to hear me breathing. This was definitely the kind of conversation I shouldn’t be overhearing. It was private and painful – maybe not for her, but I could hear it in Mac’s voice.
‘We were together for a very long time,’ the woman reminded him, her voice low, like a purr.
‘Things are different now,’ Mac said, guillotining that line of conversation before it could be taken any further.
‘You’re looking good, Mac; really well.’
I heard the click of heels on the wooden floor and guessed she must have just closed the gap between them. Curiosity is a dreadful thing. It kills cats and makes otherwise sensible school teachers attempt to crane around the corner of what had appeared to be a sturdily stacked pile of books. They wobbled teasingly on the shelf before falling to the floor in a cacophony of thumps, sending up small puffs of dust as they landed.
There was nothing for it but to step out from behind the book stacks and pretend I hadn’t just been blatantly eavesdropping on their very personal conversation.
Their heads were already turned my way when I emerged, their gazes pinioning me like a convict caught in a prison yard searchlight.
‘Molly,’ said Mac, his entire tone changing when he spoke my name.
I gave a ‘who else?’ comical shrug and an apologetic smile.
I tried really hard not to stare at the woman who had broken Mac’s heart, but it was difficult. She
was the kind of beautiful that could have made even Kyra look plain. Her hair was long, with a sheen I thought existed only in conditioner commercials. I clocked the huge almond-shaped eyes and the mouth painted with brilliant red lipstick before forcing myself to look only at Mac.
There was something in his eyes, a message he was trying to convey. I blinked dazedly. Was I reading this right? If not, I was about to make a huge fool of myself. I inhaled and decided to follow my instincts.
I allowed a huge smile to transform my face as I hurried towards him.
‘Sorry, hon,’ I said fondly, slipping my hand through the crook of his arm and looking up into his face. ‘That took way longer than I thought. Have I made us late for lunch?’
For just a heartbeat I wondered if I’d got it wrong, but then the muscles in his arm tightened, pulling me even closer against his side.
‘Not at all. We’re fine,’ he said, inclining his head towards mine. The smell of old books was drowned out by his aftershave. It was the one he’d been wearing on the night he drove me home from the planetarium. My subconscious had obviously decided to store the memory.
As though I’d only just noticed we weren’t alone, I turned to the woman standing before us.
‘Hello,’ I said, making sure my voice was cheery and unconcerned.
Her eyes had narrowed slightly and were clearly begging for an explanation. I was happy to leave that one to Mac.
‘Carrie, this is my girlfriend, Molly. Molly, this is Carrie.’ No descriptor was added to her name, and I could tell she didn’t like that.
If looks could have killed, I would have been a lost cause, but this new heart of mine was proving to be a great deal braver than my old one. I held out my hand. It took an awfully long time before she took it.
‘Nice to meet you,’ I lied.
She was unnerved; that much was obvious. Ignoring me, she turned to Mac. ‘I didn’t realise you were seeing someone.’
In response, Mac repositioned his arm, to loop it around my shoulders. His body felt warm against mine. One of us was trembling slightly, and I’m pretty sure it was me.
‘Molly and I have been together for a while now,’ he said.
Those huge tawny-coloured eyes swivelled towards me. ‘How did you two meet?’
The arm around my shoulders tensed, telling me all I needed to know. Mac didn’t want Carrie to learn about our connection with Lisa, or Alex. That was fine with me.
‘Mac almost ran me over when I was collecting—’
‘—conkers,’ we said in unison, looking at each other and laughing, as though we really were a couple.
This seemed to rob Carrie of a response and Mac made good use of the moment. He glanced at his watch and made an apologetic face.
‘We really ought to get going, babe, if we’re going to make our reservation.’
His hand had fallen from my shoulder, but it immediately reached for my free one as we turned towards the stairs.
‘Is that the time?’ Carrie asked in that bizarre way people do when they’ve just looked at their watch. She’d made a big show of pulling back the sleeve of her jacket to reveal a very expensive timepiece. Mac’s eyes flickered, and I knew with absolute certainty it had been a gift from him.
He led me towards the stairs and I went willingly, happy to leave Carrie standing by the balustrade. We were halfway down when she called out her parting shot.
‘Give me a ring sometime, Mac, so we can catch up properly.’
I might only have been a temporary, pretend girlfriend, but that riled me more than I’d expected. I am right here, woman. Right here.
The snowstorm had intensified further, so I stopped to pull on my hat and scarf again. Mac’s eyes flicked upwards, and I imagined his ex was still staring down at us. Which was why I made no protest when he reached across to fasten my scarf more securely around me and tuck away a few loose strands of hair that had escaped from my hat. His hands dropped to the two trailing scarf ends and taking hold of them he gently pulled me towards him. His lips were soft as they pressed a kiss on my forehead. I smiled up at him, playing my part the way I imagined he wanted me to. As he turned to hold open the door, I threw a quick backward glance over my shoulder up to the balcony. It was empty. Carrie was nowhere to be seen.
*
‘I owe you a huge apology,’ Mac said as soon as the waiter who’d shown us to our table disappeared with our coats.
I leant closer towards him, mindful of the flickering candle in its wax-encrusted bottle between us. Given my clumsiness on previous occasions, I could hardly blame him for shifting it out of my way. I smiled. Whatever Mac felt he had to apologise for, it certainly wasn’t the venue he’d picked for our lunch. There was a Dickensian charm to the restaurant, with its scrubbed wooden floors, low-beamed ceiling and walls haphazardly crammed with vintage prints. Plus our table was surely the best in the restaurant, nestled in a cosy bay window that looked out onto the street. Outside, the storm raged on, but through the mullioned glass panes it was like peering into a vigorously shaken snow globe.
Conversation had been virtually impossible as we’d hurried through the cobbled streets from the bookstore. The wind would have whipped our words away like confetti in a hurricane. It was only now, in the warmth and seclusion of the restaurant, that what had happened in the bookshop could be discussed.
‘I acted like a complete idiot. What I did was incredibly immature and disrespectful. I’m sorry for dragging you into it, Molly.’
He sounded truly mortified, as though having me pose as his faux girlfriend for a few minutes had crossed an unforgivable line. I rapidly replayed the scene in my head but could see nothing that warranted that level of remorse.
‘That’s okay. I was happy to play along.’ More than happy, a voice in my head silently acknowledged.
‘Well, you should never have had to.’ Mac took a long swallow from his glass of water, as though something had left a bad taste in his mouth. ‘You like to think you’re past all the petty resentments and recriminations,’ he continued, ‘that you’ve grown and learnt something about yourself.’ His small laugh was tinged with irony. ‘And then you get caught on the hop and start acting like a teenager hell-bent on scoring points, and worse than that, you risk messing up a good friendship.’
‘Really, Mac, it’s not a big deal,’ I assured him, wondering how inappropriate it would be if I reached for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I was extremely glad I’d done nothing of the sort as he continued with a regretful look in his eyes.
‘There’s a connection between the four of us that goes beyond anything I can explain. It’s complex and unique. We’re the legacy of a woman we never even met, and I’m not sure how appropriate it would be to allow things to get more complicated than that.’
I needed no further explanation. A door I’d only just realised I’d like to open was being slammed shut. Mac’s words fell with the devastation of a bomb and there was only one way to defuse them.
‘Well, I hope you intend to let Barbara down gently, because I’m pretty sure she’s planning to either marry or adopt you.’
Mac’s laugh was impossible to ignore. It drew eyes towards us, and expressions softened as people looked our way. They were reaching a thousand conclusions about us, and every single one of them was wrong.
Instinctively I knew that under different circumstances we could have been so much more. But fate had entrenched us so firmly in the Friend Zone, we might as well have been cemented there. Thoughts of kissing Mac, of how natural his hand had felt in mine, were dangerous and inappropriate, and I was going to have to work much harder at suppressing them. From now on they would be a guilty, middle-of-the-night secret that I’d share with no one but my conscience.
Three delicious courses and a glass of Bailey’s later – well, it was almost Christmas – Mac discreetly asked the waiter for the bill. He swiped it off the silver platter with the dexterity of a magician, shaking his head slightly when I determinedly reached
for my purse.
‘I promised you lunch,’ he reminded me with a smile. I might have challenged him, but he totally threw me with a question I hadn’t seen coming.
‘Do you see much of your ex, Tom?’
I was amazed he’d remembered Tom’s name. Perhaps though, after bumping into Carrie, it wasn’t such an unexpected question.
‘No. I wish him well, but we’re different people now than when we first got together. In fact, a good friend of mine found his profile on a dating site not that long ago, so he’s definitely moved on.’
Mac was studying me carefully, as though past hurts might have left their mark on my face. I held his gaze without flinching because it truly didn’t upset me any more. And if I was honest, perhaps it never really had.
‘Perhaps that’s something I should think about. What happened with Carrie today is a timely reminder that I’m not going to trip over a new partner randomly.’
Like in a hospital car park, you mean? For a horrifying moment I thought I’d actually said those words out loud, but as Mac was still smiling easily in my direction, I guessed I hadn’t.
‘Maybe I’ll join a dating site,’ he said.
It was all I could do to swallow the Bailey’s down without choking in panic. I couldn’t imagine anyone coming across Mac’s profile and swiping left instead of right. It shouldn’t have mattered to me this much – and yet it did.
32
Alex
It was always going to be shit, Alex knew that. He’d read enough about bereavement to know the first twelve months were one long succession of horrible firsts. The first Christmas without Lisa ran true to form and was every bit as horrendous as he’d imagined it would be.
As in previous years, he and Connor spent the day with Todd and Dee. But that empty place at their dining room table robbed him of his appetite. Beneath the Christmas tree in the lounge there was the usual mountain of presents for the children. Maisie tore through hers as though in training for an Olympic event, with scarcely time to see what she’d been given before reaching for the next gift. Connor was considerably slower, picking laboriously away at the Sellotape and ribbons and pretending to look delighted at his pile of toys, while fooling no one.
