by CM Foss
“Told ya.” She bumped her shoulder against mine.
I smirked and stood. “Race you back?”
She tsked me. “Not a race, remember? There’s plenty of time.”
But when we neared our apartment complex, she lengthened her stride, reaching our final marker a few steps ahead of me.
“Beat ya.”
“Hey. I thought it wasn’t a race.”
She winked. “Never trust a jockey. We’re a competitive lot.”
“What’s next?” I asked, sinking into a couch cushion after a much-needed shower and another peek at my phone.
“I’m making eggs, and then we’re going to the store to meal plan.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I’m about over eggs.”
“These are awesome, don’t worry. And I’m gonna show you how to make stuff not suck so much.”
I groaned and shuffled to the kitchen counter, perching on a stool. “How’s that?”
“With recipes and planning. If you don’t have every meal mapped out and made, which you’ll do on your days off, you’re setting yourself up for failure.”
“Geez, it’s like a whole ’nother job.”
“Nope. It’s a part of the job you have, and the job you want.”
I grumbled but knew she was right.
I stood next to her and watched her egg cooking. It didn’t seem any different than usual egg cooking, but she added some spices I hadn’t thought about and told me of different ideas. The great thing about eggs is that there are so many ways to cook them. Scrambled; fried; over easy; poached; hard-, soft-, medium-boiled; whatever. They all make different things with varying degrees of effort.
For this morning, because of our limited groceries of the moment, we would have to make do with our resources. I admit I thought it would be something stupid like hard-boiled with salt or scrambled with salt. Maybe that was the extent of my repertoire, but it was all I could think of.
Instead, Cooper poached the eggs with a weirdly light and herby lemon sauce and put them on a bed of lettuce. It was so good I didn’t even miss toast. Well, mostly.
“That didn’t look hard.” I licked my plate as I thought back to the meal I’d consumed in seconds.
“Because it’s not. Ready to learn?”
“What if we just live together forever and you take care of me?” I was only half joking.
“Not sure how Jace would feel about that.”
Cooper toyed with her coffee cup while I stood to do the dishes.
“If he was around, which he’s not, and interested, which he doesn’t seem to be, he’d actually probably support it.”
“Have you called him?”
I sighed. “No. Not gonna.”
I got extra busy at the sink, scrubbing harder, with gusto even, hoping she’d take the hint and drop it. When I turned around to get her plate, she had disappeared.
She came back a few minutes later with a notepad and a pencil, the same kind Drew kept on hand.
“You two and your yellow pencils.” I shook my head.
She looked down at it, flipping it through her fingers like she would a whip. “They’re kind of addictive.”
“I like a pencil sometimes, but I can’t keep ’em sharp.”
“I have a sharpener on my keychain. I got one for Drew too. Otherwise he’d just throw them away.”
I stared at her for a beat. “Wow.”
She shrugged, her cheeks pink.
“You like him.” My eyes lit up with the knowledge.
“I do not.”
“Do too.”
“Shut up. Let’s stay on track with your slew of problems before we jump onto mine.”
I laughed and relented. “Okay, what’s the plan?”
“All right. We’re gonna make our menu for the week. It’ll be easy since we’re off. But we can figure out the plan for the next couple of weeks once we get riding and racing again. You need to keep your intake small, but steady. You run into problems when you eat nothing, then too much, then nothing, and on and on.” She pointed the sharp tip of the pencil at me. “No puking.”
I held up my hands. “I never threw up on purpose.”
“It’s a fine line, my friend. One you were about to go skip-hopping over.”
I had nothing else to say. She was completely right, and it scared the shit out of me.
I stayed quiet while she jotted down notes, making a chart for each day. It didn’t look too bad when she was done. I was actually relaxed just by looking at the written schedule.
“I know it’s hard to stick with this, but if you try to shake things up with some variety, it helps. You know what else helps?”
“Huh?”
“Vacation time. Which you will take winter and summer. Two weeks of not thinking about what you eat and not setting foot on the track. Otherwise you’ll burn out or never stick with it.”
“That sounds… decadent.” And tempting.
“It is. And it’ll save your life.”
Chapter 34
We spent the next week together, following her plan. It all seemed easy to follow when you had the support of someone who understood. It was all easy being a thousand miles from home. She helped me get to my target weight and stay there. The constant ups and downs and the need to purge and waste had been killing me. Quite literally.
Easy probably isn’t the right word. The work was anything but. As a jockey, you learn to live with dehydration. You stay busy to distract yourself from the constant thirst. You learn not to be hungry.
As horses from up north and the East Coast began arriving, busy was very attainable. We got up early and rode a few sets, we ran, we sweated, we worked. I kept in minimal touch with my family, mainly a group text just to check in. I hadn’t heard a word from Jace, and it hurt me deeply that he didn’t reach out. I knew it was me who’d left him, but I never really thought he’d let me.
Cooper made me go to bed every night at seven. I felt like a little kid, but everything she said and did made total sense and honestly made me feel pretty stupid for how badly I’d been fucking up. I mean duh. If you’re waking up regularly at four a.m., you ought to go to sleep a bit early. I had to learn to shift my day.
My fear was that no one else would fit into it.
“Why don’t you call him?” Cooper’s voice broke in to my musings.
We were in the jock’s room, getting ready for the races to start. I was dressed and waiting, spinning my whip through my fingers absently.
“Hm? Call who?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t play dumb.”
“Why doesn’t he call me?”
“You’re the one who left. If you wanted him to chase you, you should have said so.”
“That sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?”
She shrugged. “Sounds like you were pretty clear about being done. Maybe he just believed you.”
That was my greatest fear. “Even so, we have so much history together. How could he just… let me go?” I was pouting and sounded whiny, but I couldn’t help it.
“Maybe he’s waiting on you.”
“Well, that’s stupid.”
She laughed and bumped my shoulder with hers. “Come on. Time for a bunch of old men to see how fat you are and then I get to kick your ass around the oval.”
“Whose ass?”
“You heard me.”
We walked out, continuing to rib each other, only to smack straight into Javier. He still had tape across his nose, which he wore along with a murderous expression. Not gonna lie. It tickled me.
“How’s the nose, Javi?”
“Heard you bitches switched teams.” He licked his lips and looked us up and down. “Couldn’t find another man to measure up after me, eh, putas?”
Cooper scoffed. “More like you turned us off dick entirely.”
“You know where to find me when you’re ready to try it out again.”
She folded her arms across her chest, one brow arched high. “Nah. I’ve dec
ided that size really does matter.”
I clapped a hand over my mouth, a snicker still erupting from me. Javi turned red, his eyes narrowing, and he opened his mouth to spout more crap but was interrupted by Drew’s hand on his shoulder.
“Well, that’s a relief to hear.” Drew winked at Cooper and my heart melted. In that moment, they became my life’s mission. Whatever I needed to do to get those two together, I would.
Cooper threw me a warning look like she could hear the thoughts running through my head. I decided to save her by pulling her away from the men.
“You’re blushing,” I whispered.
“I’m a redhead.” She threw up her hands to cover her cheeks. “I can’t help it, and it’s horrible.”
That thought kept me giggling through the rest of the day. And she was right, she did kick my ass in our first race, by a long shot. But I got her in our second, so we were even.
Sitting on a big gray colt in the winner’s circle, surrounded by the owners and their families and friends, I took the moment to breathe and appreciate what I was doing. I’d just had the pleasure of guiding an animal to victory, running as fast as his heart would carry him, which was fast. And I got paid for it. There was a little girl, about seven or so, clutching her mom’s hand and staring up at me with round, blue eyes.
I smiled and leaned over, resting my forearm on the withers of the horse. “Is this your horse?” I asked her as cameras clicked around us.
She nodded her head.
“He’s a very nice boy. Thank you for letting me ride him.”
She looked up at her mom, who smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
“You’re welcome,” she said, her voice squeaky and soft.
“Do you like horses?”
She nodded again.
“You wanna be a jockey someday?”
She paused, then nodded again.
“Well, come on up here.” I held out my hands and looked to the mom for permission. She looked unsure. “He’s good, I promise. And I swear I won’t let go.”
She laughed and bent over to her daughter, whispering in her ear. The little girl nodded and was lifted up to me. I helped her get her legs on either side of his shoulders and settled her in front of the saddle. I could see her wide grin when I peeked around the side of her face.
“What’s your name?”
“Tessa,” she squeaked out again.
“No way. That’s my name. Now you have to be a jockey.”
She giggled, bouncing in my arms. The colt shifted his weight but didn’t seem to mind the extra jockey on his back. A flash caught my eye, and I was about to turn to pose for a picture when I swore I saw a familiar blond head of hair pass by. Shaking my head to clear it, I blinked a few times and searched through the crowd, trying to conjure him up again but with no luck.
The colt began to fidget and toss his head, clearly ready to head back to the barns and with good reason. I turned my attention back to mini-Tessa and passed her down to her mom, then hopped out of the saddle, giving the horse a good pat and scratch on the ears. After I’d congratulated the owners and trainer once again, a groom led the colt off and I walked away, still keeping my eyes peeled for the one person I couldn’t seem to stay busy enough to forget.
Chapter 35
“Call. Him.” My phone plopped into my lap.
I picked it up and swiped it on, then off again. “I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“How about… I miss your penis?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Awkward.”
“Well, don’t you?”
I sighed. “Yes. I do. But I miss other stuff too.”
“That’s good. It bodes well for your future. But still, I think getting laid would be good for you. Call it part of my program.”
“Why are you so obsessed with peen?”
She grumbled and flopped onto the ground, crossing her legs in front of her. “Because I haven’t had one since…” She picked at some lint on the carpet.
“Since when?” My eyes bugged out of my head as realization hit me. “Nooo.”
“Yes.”
“That’s so sad.”
“It’s tragic.”
“In so many ways.”
“Javier is…”
“Not a good lover.”
“No. No, he’s not.”
I weighed in my mind the consequences of what I was about to say. “Drew is.”
She glared at me even as her face turned red. “Stop.”
“Oh come on, we’re adults.” Kind of. “Drew and I have no romantic inclinations, so it’s cool. He’s like a gay best friend, except not quite as awesome but just as safe.”
“I have no idea what you just said.”
“I’m saying you and Drew. It needs to be a thing.”
“Tessa,” she warned.
“He likes you.”
“The man has seen me through the worst parts of my life. Nothing romantic can come from that.”
I shrugged. “Maybe that’s the best place romance can come from.”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “That doesn’t sound right.”
“No really. Life is dirty.” I stood up to pace. “It’s messy and unfair and painful. And the most beautiful things come out of it. If you want to spend your life with another person, they’re gonna see it all anyway. Why not throw it out there from the get-go? Maybe the best romance comes from the person who already knows your deepest and darkest.”
“You mean like Jace?”
I froze midstep. “Huh?”
She propped her chin on her fist. “You’ve known him since… well, since you were born, right?” When I nodded, she continued. “And after watching you grow up, through your worst moments and your best, the stuff you wish no one would remember, he loves you?”
I held up my hand. “We’ve never said love.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s a given.”
“How so?”
“You wouldn’t risk that much for anything less.” She stood up and walked to the couch, picked up my phone, and carried it over to me. “Call him.”
I took it gingerly, like it might bite me, and walked out the back door, onto the little balcony that overlooked more apartments. Sitting on the edge of an iron chair, I scrolled through my contacts to his name.
My finger hovered over the call button, undecided on whether or not to touch, but the heat of my skin and the shaking of my hand made the decision for me and the damn thing started ringing. My heart raced, pounding in my throat as I waited.
The initial sound of his voice made me leap to my feet, my stomach turning circles. But it was just his voice mail, so I listened to him talk, debating on what to say, if I should say anything. I wished his message went on longer, just to hear him speak in his businesslike tone, directing people to his e-mail or office. When the beep sounded, long and piercing, I pulled my phone from my ear and turned it off.
As soon as I did, I wanted to call back. I wanted to leave a message that I was sorry, that I was ready to talk and to try. That I loved him and missed him. But to call again? That took more courage than I possessed.
Just as I was about to walk inside, my phone lit up and the ringtone I’d never changed began playing. As the lyrics played, I listened to the words of Taylor Swift. Jace had made fun of me to no end over the songs on my playlists, but the girl had some great things to say that resonated with me.
Bolstered by her words, I answered the call.
“Hey,” I said after swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
There was silence, but I bet he was nodding. “Okay. You called.”
It wasn’t a question.
“I did.”
“No message.”
“I didn’t know what to say.”
“Then why did you call?”
I pulled my thumb from between my teeth. “I don’t know.” I heard his breath release, and it sounded tense, maybe annoyed. “I mean, I do
know. I… I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”
I could almost see him running his hands through his hair, fingers getting caught in a tangle. “It’s good to hear yours.”
I heard voices in the background, some of them clearly female, and my heart sank as I broke out in a cold sweat.
“I…”
“Listen, Tessa. I have to go. A… a client just came in. Can we talk later?”
I nodded to myself, rubbing my damp palms together. “Yeah. Okay.”
“I really want to talk, but I have to go.”
“Me too,” I responded, but the line was already dead.
He never even called me Midge.
Chapter 36
“You want a horse?”
“A who?” I squinted up at Drew, my hand forming a visor over my eyes. He’d caught me sitting out by the track after a run, feet on the rail while I stewed about my phone not working.
Okay. It was working fine. It just wasn’t receiving calls from a certain someone. It made me feel better to pretend it was broken.
“A horse. You want one?”
“No. Why would I want a horse?”
He shrugged. “Thought you liked them.”
“Did you eat Nacho’s brownies?” It was the only explanation for his behavior.
“You’re ruining my fun. Trouble. You want Trouble?”
“I still don’t get it.”
He shook his head and helped me to my feet. “She’s ready to rehab, but the owners are done. They don’t want to spend the money anymore. You want her?”
“They wanna give her to me?”
He nodded. “More or less.”
“Well, which is it? More or less?”
“You’re so difficult. Yes. They want to give her to you. You can rehab her and train her to your little heart’s delight.”
Excitement built in me, but I tamped it down with reason. “How would that even work?”
“Up to you. You want? You have to decide quick.”
