From my spot on the sofa, I watched as Nadia played with my Victors hair, giggling as she twirled it on the tip on her long slender finger. Her other hand traced her sharpened nails over his perfect porcelain skin. Victor leaned against the wall, looking away from her, the expression on his face was one of apathy not pleasure, and yet he still allowed her to touch him. Grabbing hold of his wrist Nadia started to pull him into the bedroom, reluctantly he followed along. I wanted to stay behind, go back outside, but it felt like a collar had been placed around my neck, and it was pulling me along, into the room after them, indifferent to my will.
Inside his private chamber, Nadia shoves Victor down on the bed. Reaching behind her back, she slides down the zipper of her dress. She lets the red gown drop to the floor unceremoniously; she is completely naked underneath, her bare skin is scarred beyond recognition. Judging from her back, it appears as if she was torn apart by some wild beast and pieced back together by a deranged madman. I cringe at her grotesque appearance; she reminds me of Frankenstein’s monster.
Getting up on the bed, she straddles over Victor and begins undoing the button on his pants. Releasing his zipper with a swift tug, she hungrily rips the rest of his clothing off. Leaning over him, Nadia begins to touch him places which have once been reserved only for me, her lips trail down his body doing things I had once thought were unthinkable. My lungs stop working, my eyes grow wide, and my veins hurt as molten lava starts to flow through them. I begin to wonder who this man in front of me is, and what has he done to the Victor who I have spent my entire existence loving.
My whole body feels like it’s being dipped in molten metal, my skin blisters, and burns. The nauseating feeling in my stomach is making me want to throw up, another long forgotten human emotion. Wrapping my arms around myself I hold on tight, fearing I may go up in flames and vanish from existence.
On the bed not far from where I am standing Nadia places herself on top of Victor, grinding her hips against him as he stares blankly at the canopy above him. The air raid alarm is sounding inside my head, begging me to run and never look back, but my body seems to be cemented in place, keeping me where I am. In horror I watch a surreal nightmare unfold before me, I cannot believe my Victor is making love to another woman, and not just any woman, Nadia.
Backing up I press myself against the mirror in the center of his dresser, breathing has become difficult, and I need something to distract me from what is happening before me. My thoughts race as the gears of my brain grind to a halt trying unsuccessfully to think of anything other than him. But I can’t; Victor has been on my mind for far too long, I can’t shove him out no matter how hard I try. Automatically I start to recall the first time Victor, and I had made love.
It was a warm August night, far too hot for a typical Russian summer in the country. We were just heading home after a bonfire to celebrate the start of harvest season. Victor asked if I would be willing to stop by his stables because he was not ready to let me go, and I readily agreed. The horses were sleeping in their stalls, and he quietly snuck me into the hayloft above the barn so we could look at the stars together. We laid down in the hay and looked at the shimmering diamonds sparkling in the black night sky, Victor pointing out all the constellations to me that he knew.
I moved closer to him, placing my head on his shoulder. He glanced over at me and gave me a soft kiss like he normally did. Turning his body to face me, his kisses grew deeper, more passionate, and his hand trailed up on my bodice, making my body hot. My heart was beating like a drum by the time he leaned over and whispered how he wanted to make love to me. I glanced into his eyes, so full of passion they seemed brighter than ever. I felt myself blush, as a strange feeling was stirring inside me.
I told him it was a sin to give in to the temptations of the flesh. Meanwhile, I did not believe a word of it myself; I wanted him too. Victor smiled and brushed my bangs out of my face, giving me another deep kiss. He looked deeply into my eyes while stroking my cheek, and told me if loving me was a sin then he would gladly burn in hell for all eternity, for he knew no other way to show me what I meant to him. I was only seventeen at the time, but I knew long before this night that Victor was the man I would give all of myself to, I wanted nothing more. I surrendered myself by telling him I was all his.
To this day I can still taste how sweet his lips were on mine, and how soft they felt when he gently sucked on the sweaty skin of my neck. Slowly we peeled each other’s clothing off, one awkward piece at a time. It took Victor a few minutes to undo my corset as I set up holding my hair away from my back. When we lay back on the hay, I felt so embraced at having him see me naked; I used part of my dress to cover my bare breasts. Victor pulled my gown away and kissed me; he reassured me I was just as lovely as he had always envisioned.
Timidly I allowed him to place his body on top of mine. I trembled with anticipation as I felt the weight of his body on top of me, our bare flesh pressing against one another. Breathing heavily, he looked at me, passion burning deep in his green eyes, making me want him even more. He asked me if I was sure I wanted this, he assured me he could wait, but it was far too late to look back. I nodded my head to let him know I wanted nothing else.
Now, if I concentrate hard enough, I can feel the pain and pleasure as he eased himself inside of me. He had his eyes closed, and I clung tightly to his arms while I bit down on my lip, afraid he would stop if he knew he was hurting me. My body moved rhythmically against his with his every thrust, proving we were in synch. I still hear his moans and my cries of pleasure, as I clung to him, calling out his name.
Lost in the throes of passion, I knew I was sinning, but I was happy to sin as long as it was with him. Looking up at him I could see the sweat dripping down from his handsome brow. His brown hair was soaked, and droplets of sweat were coming down like warm summer rain falling gently on my skin. Fondly, I recall the way his body twitched as he released inside of me and the loving way he kissed me afterward.
He rolled off and lay next to me in the hay, panting as he caressed my body. We had our fingers intertwined as our foreheads touched. My bangs had fallen over my eyes, obstructing my vision, but I could still see a warm smile on his face. Victor brushed my hair back, holding my face in his hands, we laughed, and he placed a tender kiss on my forehead.
He continued to rain down his fiery kisses on me; his lips made their way all around my body as if it was some great adventure for him. Holding me tight in his arms he told me how much he loved me and I cried joyful tears at hearing him say it. He said I was the only woman in the world for him, and he could never make love to anyone else, so I believed him. Apparently, this was not the case as it did not take him long to find someone else to show physical affection to.
No, that’s not it, I know Victor, I know him well, and there is no way he would replace me with such ease. What we had together was real, it was pure and genuine. Every time we made love, it was beautiful because what Victor and I had was so rare. A love like ours doesn’t happen to everyone, it comes around once in a century, and you can only wish you are lucky enough to find it. Yes, Victor and I made love, but this, this abomination in front of me, it was nothing like what Victor and I had together.
Turning my attention back to Victor, I saw that he was just lying there, he showed not a single trace of emotion. Any time we were together his face always lit up with passions fire, but not with her, right now his face was completely blank, the intense spark in his eyes was missing. Nadia continued to grind against him, making noises which were akin to pigs humping, her grunts and squeals made my face twitch.
Victor turned his head away from her; his eyes were looking in my direction, begging for this to be over quick. At once I realized what was happening here; she was fucking him. I can’t believe he was letting her fuck him. This is so sinful and dirty; I can’t believe Victor would betray me like this.
I felt myself grow hot, whether from the embracement of watching them or from the anger of what was going on
here. My skin was starting to turn a bright shade of red, I was disgusted and wounded by what Victor had been doing all these years without me. A deep-seated urge to slap him and strangle her was rearing its ugly head, much like a demon trying to claw its way out from deep within my body. No longer able to hold back my rage, I swiped my hand across his dresser in frustration.
Much to my surprise, it didn’t go through like I had expected it to. Instead, it made contact with the painted porcelain egg. The elegant little box flew off the spot it was planted on and dove for the floor, hitting the herringbone wood with a sharp crunch. The egg cracked open and spilled its contents on the floor. Glistening in the light was a delicate silver chain with a gold ring hanging off it. This treasure on the floor was blaring at me like a lighthouse to a ship in the distance on a stormy night, guiding it safely home. At once the beast inside me had settled down and crawled back where it came from.
This was not just any old ring; this one had a dark blue sapphire in the center which was surrounded by a halo of white diamonds. The sight of it had brought a smile to my face; it had been so long since I laid my eyes on it. I would recognize this ring anywhere; it was my engagement ring. On the day he gave it to me, Victor said he had to get this particular one because the sapphire had reminded him of the color of my eyes. A huge lump formed in my throat, I thought it had been stolen after my murder, but Victor has had it all this time. I can’t believe he would hang on to it for so long.
Kneeling to take a closer look I watch the light become animated on its carefully polished stone, he has kept it immaculately clean. The love I had once felt for Victor is starting to overflow, threatening to drown me in a flood of emotions. I reached for the ring trying to pick it up, but my fingers just slipped right through it. Despite this being nothing new, my sudden inability to grasp my ring stings. I have no idea what power had allowed me to hit the jewelry box, but it had apparently left me. Sitting on my knees I continue to try and pick it up, but it still rejects me.
Across from me, Victor shoves Nadia off him, seemingly startled by the sound of glass breaking. He stares in my direction, and at the broken glass on the floor. He pulls his clothing back on before walking over to where I sit in front of the mess I made. Crouching at the remnants of the porcelain egg he looks around in confusion. Slowly his eyes trail down to the ring on the floor. With a sad expression, he carefully picks it out from the pile of rubble. Closing his eyes, he clutches his treasure tightly in his fist, bringing it up to his heart. I study his face carefully as he takes a few deep breaths, I can see the corners of his eyes are moist, he is fighting back the tears.
The walls that I had recently built up to protect myself came crashing back down at the sight of him suffering over me. Seeing him like this turns the broken pieces of my heart to dust, all my anger flows away; there is no way I could ever hate Victor. Right now, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and lay his head on my bosom the way I always did when he was upset. Shame takes me over, I feel like a fool for thinking he had forgotten me when he kept all these reminders of me where they matter most, close to him.
Since last night I knew there was a reason for the connection I felt with him, I knew he was suffering as well; I just did not realize I was the reason why. Last night was the anniversary of our death, and judging by the tears in his eyes, Victor was still very much in love with me. I wish he knew I was here, I want to tell him, he had to know he was no longer alone, and I was not going to leave his side again.
“Oh Victor,” I mumble under my breath as I place my hand on his face.
From his spot on the floor, he looks up past me and shakes his head as if he had heard me.
“What are you doing?” Nadia scowls from the bed, having propped herself on her side to observe what Victor was up to.
Without saying a word to her, Victor stands up and slips the ring into his pocket out of her view. Fishing around in his dresser he pulled out another black shirt, this time one with a collar and buttons. The site of him in it makes my heart sing; he looks so much more like his old self. Silently he walks out of the room, slipping on his boots in his hallway. Donning his coat and placing his hat securely on his head, he walks for the entry door. Nadia runs out of the room after him, grabbing hold of his arm, pulling him back into her arms.
“Where are you going?” her voice is mixed with a hint of agitation and a lot of desperation as she clings tightly to his jacket.
“Out,” Victor replies coldly and pushes her away from him.
“Well, when will you be back?”
“Don’t know.”
Without another word to Nadia, Victor walks out of his apartment, slamming the door shut behind him. I followed him like a lost puppy dog, hoping to find a way I can let him know I’m here. Storming out of the building, Victor is kicking at the snow in anger, sending small balls of ice flying across the garden. It’s rare for him to get so angry, I have only seen him do it a handful of times, and each one was because someone had done something to wrong me. Staying quite I float along by his side.
We walk out of the iron gate and head down a snow-covered sidewalk towards Moskva River. Victor is looking down on the ground in silence, kicking up snow as he walks. I want him to say something, anything, but he has no reason to, he doesn’t even know I’m here. Too bad there is no way for me to alert him to my presence, or I would have attempted to do so. Cursing my limited ghost abilities, I look at him, trying to figure out where he is headed.
I don’t have to wonder long as we haven’t gone far. I think we may have made it down only a block or two when he stops in front of a midnight blue Lada. It’s nothing special, just your typical Soviet car, eighties vintage I think. Ever since the invention of the automobile I have thought about how much Victor would enjoy learning how to drive, little did I know he already has. He fishes around in his coat pocket and pulls out the same set of keys he used to unlock his apartment door.
Unlocking the boxy little car, he gets in, sitting on a seat with a massage bead cover. Tilting his head back he lets out a pained sigh and closes his eyes. I allow myself in and sit in the passenger seat next to him. Not sure why I even bother, I could sit on his lap without him even knowing, but I don’t want to intrude, I have done enough of that already. Placing my hands on my lap, I sit back and pay close attention to his every move.
Victor leans over and presses a small button in the center of the car. Reaching over my lap he pulls opens a door in front of me, fishing inside its messy interior he pulls out a red and white cardboard packet. On the front in bold black letter is the word Marlboro. He pulls up the lid of the carton and pulls out one of the white and beige sticks inside, popping it into his mouth as the button he pressed springs up with a snap. Victor grabs hold of it, yanking it out. It’s glowing a bright orange now; he puts it up to his cigarette to light it, inhaling deeply as he replaces the lighter back in its spot.
Astonished I sit in my seat, wondering when Victor picked up such a nasty habit. Cracking open a window with a crank on the door, he puffs out white smoke into the bleak night air. Putting his head against the door, he looks vacantly out his window. I watch his reflection in the tinted glass, he looks despondent, crushed, like he had lost his will to live a long time ago. Most think vampires have no reflection because they lack a soul, but the fact is they do have a soul, a soul trapped between worlds, much like my own.
I wait as Victor finishes his cigarette. He tosses the remainder of it out the window and cranks the glass shut. With another sigh, he sticks a worn key into the ignition and turns it. The car rumbles to life, shaking and chugging as it warms up. Putting it in gear, he pulls it out of its parking space and sets off down the dead city street.
The radio is clamoring on about the string of bodies they keep finding next to metro stations, the announcer is urging everyone to be careful at night. Without looking away from the road he reached over and shuts the man up with a twist of a nob. We continue our drive in silence as Stary Arbat fades from
view. Victor stares blankly out of the windshield as we head west, away from the city. I did not need to ask where we are going; I knew we were headed home, back to Dedinovo. The question was why, what did Victor need there after all this time?
4
Victor’s Memorare
T
he further we drove from the center of the city, the less noticeable the darkness became. By the time we reached city limits, the weight of it has almost entirely lifted from me, the flame in my chest had extinguished. We continued our journey down an empty freeway in silence; the radio remained off, Victor apparently wished to be left alone with his thoughts, whatever they may be.
I wondered what he was thinking of, wanting to be able to look inside his head, but instead, I just sat there and stared at him like some creepy stalker. Our village was around two hours away, but that was on a good clear day, with the snow coming down as hard as it was the trip was bound to take longer. This gave me plenty of time to process everything that has happened to me in the last fourth-eight hours. After all this time, my world had been turned upside down, again.
All the years I have spent looking for Victor I never once stopped to think of what I would do once I found him. Faced with this burning question now, I did not have the slightest idea of where to even begin trying to figure out what I should do. Not once have I ever imagined I would find him alive, let alone as a vampire, but here we are. Sitting in the car with him, I wonder if he would even still love me with the same intensity after all this time. Something told me I would not have to ponder much longer.
It was three in the morning by the time we reached the village; the cemetery was situated right on the outskirts. After years of neglect as the Dedinovo population declined, it had become dilapidated and overgrown. Most people who pass by don’t even notice my final resting place which is hidden behind a thicket of birch trees and tall grass. We get so few visitors these days, and most of my comrades have begun to wonder out daily to get some human interaction, something I have done for ages.
Toska (Dark World Saga Book 1) Page 5
