by TJ Klune
Instead, he loomed over the table, standing with his back to us….
I said, “Go away.”
He said, “I’m on guard.”
I said, “I don’t need you to be.”
“King’s orders.”
“I’m going to throw breadsticks at the back of your head. You’re going to be so embarrassed because everyone is going to see you getting hit in the head with breadsticks.”
“Try it and see what happens,” he said with a sneer.
Todd said, “So.”
And then I remembered Todd was there.
I was such a dick.
I sat down and put my full attention on Todd.
That seemed to make him more nervous.
I smiled at him.
That seemed to make him even more nervous. I needed to calm him down.
I said, “I was kidding about the hand job thing.”
“Oh dear,” he said.
Ryan snorted loudly.
I ignored him. “So. Todd.”
He nodded, throat working.
“How is your… life?” Smooth, that. And all encompassing.
“It’s good,” he said quickly. “Um. So good. Father is talking of retirement soon, and I’ll be taking over operations of the hotels.”
“That sounds exciting. Especially for one so young.” I picked up a glass of water to sip.
He flushed. “I hope so. It’s a lot of responsibility.” And then it seemed like he wanted to take that back. “But not so much that I won’t be able to see you! If we are to marry, then I will make as much time for you as you require.”
I sprayed water onto the table and coughed. “That’s… good. That’s… if we marry. Whoa. Like. What?”
“Sorry!” Todd said like he’d offended me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean if. I meant when.”
I knocked over the glass of water onto the table. It spilled all over Todd.
“Oh shit,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I’m not usually this awkward.” Well, that was a lie. This was about par for the course. I scooted over in the booth and took a cloth napkin and started dabbing the water off of Todd. It took a minute before I realized I was rubbing his crotch. I stared in horror.
“Oh gods,” Todd moaned.
“Sam,” Ryan snapped. “What the hell?”
I looked up at him with wide eyes. “I’m not giving him a hand job!” I shouted. “I’m just trying to get him dry!”
The restaurant went silent as everyone looked over at us.
“I said that really loudly, didn’t I?”
“Sam?” Todd squeaked. “Could you… move? Your hand?”
I looked back down, and my hand was still in his lap. “Sorry,” I said, patting his crotch a couple of times. “My bad.”
Todd looked like he was about to faint.
Ryan didn’t bother turning back around or moving away from the table.
“No more sneak hand jobs,” I told him. “I promise. My virtue is still intact.”
“I highly doubt that,” he said.
“So much sass,” I said. “How come no one knows you’re so sassy?”
“It doesn’t often come up in conversation,” he deadpanned.
A waiter came over, looking somewhat apprehensive. “Is everything okay, Duke Goldwaithe?”
“Duke Todd Goldwaithe,” I said, trying it out. “Mrs. Sam Goldwaithe.”
Everyone stared at me.
I waved my hand at them. “It’s a thing Gary and I do.” Mrs. Sam Foxheart sounded amazing, but I didn’t think now was the right time to say that out loud. Or ever.
They still stared.
“Gary? My best friend? The hornless gay unicorn? The fiercest diva in existence? Nothing? Ryan, you know who I’m talking about. After all, you were practically fondling him at the celebration.”
He looked like it hurt him to acknowledge that yes, he did in fact know the fiercest diva in existence. “There was no fondling,” he said roughly.
“There was fondling,” I told the waiter. He looked terrified. “And demands of peeled frozen grapes. It was, like… this whole thing. You aren’t laughing. Maybe you had to be there.”
The waiter just nodded.
“I’m starving,” I said. “What’s for dinner?”
The waiter cleared his throat. “Pan-seared duck breast with blueberry sauce and roasted potatoes.”
Uh-oh. “I’m—”
Ryan said, “Sam is allergic to duck. And blueberries.”
I said, “What?”
Todd said, “Oh dear.”
The waiter said, “So he’s allergic to the full meal.”
“Not the potatoes,” Ryan said.
I said, “What?”
Todd said, “You’re allergic to blueberries?”
Ryan said, “And the duck.”
“I swell up,” I said to Todd. “I look like a mountain troll. It’s really weird. I don’t want to do that on the first date. That’s like a fourth or fifth-date thing. Or a never thing. Because of the swelling.”
“Blueberries,” Todd said.
“We have other things,” the waiter said.
“Everything on this menu says duck,” Ryan said as he plucked it from the table
“It’s sort of a theme night,” Todd said faintly.
“You have a duck theme night?” I asked. “That’s epic. And deadly. If you’re allergic.”
“Maybe not a lot of other things,” the waiter said.
“Basically everything on the menu will kill him,” Ryan said.
“Blueberries,” Todd said.
“How did you know that?” I asked Ryan.
“There’s potatoes and bread,” the waiter said. “And blueberry wine. Wait. We have water.”
“Potatoes and bread?” I said with a frown. “But the carbs.”
Ryan said, “I know things.”
Todd said, “Oh my gods. Are you going to swell now? Is just breathing the duck and blueberry air going to kill you?” He sounded like he was panicking.
“It might,” Ryan said. He didn’t sound like he was panicking.
“It won’t,” I said, reaching out and patting Todd’s hand.
“It might,” Ryan insisted. Sort of panicking. Barely panicking.
I rolled my eyes. “You and Gary are such drama queens. I’m not going to sniff it up close.” I glanced at Todd. “Though, there will be no making out later if you eat duck. You’ll make my tongue swell.” I waggled my eyebrows at him.
Todd choked on air.
“So,” the waiter said, “I’ll bring you potatoes and bread.”
“And more water,” I said. “Because I spilled it on the table. And then it turned inappropriate when I tried to clean it up. I’m going to have to work out even more now tomorrow to make up for all the potatoes and bread. Okay. I feel bad. That was a lie. I’m not going to work out at all. That sounds just awful.”
The waiter practically ran away.
“I like him,” I said. “Very quick service. Good job, Todd.”
“Thanks?”
Ryan said, “Are you breathing okay?” He leaned down, hands on the table, until he was level with me. “Take a deep breath.”
I did. And then, because I was an asshole, I started gasping and grabbing my throat.
They both freaked.
I laughed at them.
They weren’t amused.
“Calm the fuck down,” I said. “We’re having fun.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Ryan growled at me.
“And how do you know things?” I asked him, narrowing my eyes.
He shrugged. “I just do.”
“That’s a nonanswer.”
“You want to make out with me?” Todd asked.
“Let’s see how the evening goes first,” I said. “You’re off to a good start. Mostly. Maybe not the Food of Death thing.”
“No making out,” Ryan said.
“Eep,” Todd said.
“Go away. I’m on a date.”
&nb
sp; He turned and glared at Todd. He tried to look intimidating. It must have worked because Todd was intimidated. “No making out,” he said.
“No making out,” Todd agreed quickly.
“Ryan, the tip of your sword is poking me,” I said. Because it was. I don’t know why he thought he needed to come fully knighted-out. Talk about going overboard. “You’re getting it all over me.”
And then Ryan blushed.
I said “Oh crap” in a slightly strangled voice. I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any more attractive. But he had done so exponentially and it made my insides burn.
“Sorry,” he muttered as he pulled it away.
“Sure,” I said faintly. “Sure.” I wondered how to go about asking him to poke me with his sword again.
Todd said, “Blueberries?”
The waiter came back with potatoes and bread.
And it was around that time that we were accosted by Dark wizards. Really. With the way everything else had gone so far, it should have been expected.
“None of these touched any duck or blueberries,” the waiter said.
“That’s very kind of you and it looks lovely and holy shit I’m pretty sure we’re about to get in a fight.”
The waiter’s eyes widened.
Todd slunk lower in his seat.
Ryan whirled around, drawing his sword. Didn’t even question me. I liked that in a man.
I stood.
Four Dark wizards had entered the restaurant. I knew them because of the crests they wore on their robes, similar to the one Lartin had been wearing. The one in the front was thick and squat, like a tree trunk. His eyebrows were amazing, almost covering his entire forehead. His eyes fell on me and he scowled.
“Sam of Wilds!” he shouted. The restaurant fell silent as people looked back and forth between us.
“I like your eyebrows,” I told him. “Way to buck societal norms of how eyebrows should normally look. Down with the system and all that.”
“Sam,” Ryan said in warning.
“What? Look at them and tell me you didn’t think the same thing.”
“We are here to have our revenge!” the Dark wizard snapped.
“Oh no,” I groaned. “He’s going to monologue.”
“You have taken one of our own from us. Lartin the Dark Leaf was a magnificent wizard who had grown up with the weight and expectation of a father that—”
“They do this,” I told Ryan. “Villains. Every time. Whenever they capture me, they monologue. I don’t understand why.”
“You need to stop getting captured,” he said, flourishing his sword like a badass. “I don’t think my heart can take it anymore.”
“Are you even listening?” the squat wizard asked. “I have this whole thing to say before the revenge part happens.”
“It’s not like I do it on purpose,” I said to Ryan. “I can’t help it if people want to get all up on this.”
He rolled his eyes. “That must be it. They just can’t stay away from all of that.” His eyes traveled up and down my body.
“So much sass,” I said in awe. “You’re like a sass master. You and Gary should have a sass-off to see who would be crowned Queen Sass. Fair warning: he would win. But you could be Princess Sass.”
“Guys?” the Dark wizard said.
“I’m not a princess,” Ryan said with a scowl.
“I notice how you didn’t say anything about being a queen,” I pointed out.
“I don’t like losing,” he said.
I smiled at him. “You can be the queen,” I allowed. “Just don’t tell Gary I said that. Friendships have ended for a lot less than that.”
“They do know we’re here, right?” Squat Wizard asked his fellow Darks. “Like, I’m not invisible? I didn’t accidentally cast an invisibility spell on myself while walking over?”
“I can see you,” one of the Darks said. “You’re not invisible.”
Squat Wizard looked relieved. “That would have been embarrassing. You know? Like barging in here and saying ‘I’m here to have revenge’ and not realizing I was invisible. And then having to make myself visible and say it all over again. It wouldn’t sound as realistic the second time around. Very forced and unbelievable.”
“This is almost worse than monologuing,” I told Ryan. “One time, I was kidnapped by a group of thieves when I was fifteen. They thought they could use me to break into the castle vaults. The leader went on for four hours about how perfect their plan was. But he’d forgotten to bind my magic and I turned them into deck chairs on accident.”
“On accident?”
“I was trying to turn them into lawn chairs,” I explained. “There’s a difference.”
Ryan laughed quietly. “I hadn’t heard that one.”
I tried to ignore just how awesome his laugh was. “It was before you came to the castle. A few months, anyway.”
Fifteen-year-old Sam had seen twenty-year-old Ryan for the first time and had immediately run upstairs and jerked off. It had been a revolutionary and enlightening experience that essentially answered the question that yes, I was indeed very, very gay. I didn’t share that with Ryan and the Dark wizards because now was not the time or place. Or never. Never sounded good too.
“Maybe they’re trapped,” one of the Darks said. “Like in a fog of magic. And they can’t hear you anymore.”
“You think?” Squat Wizard asked. He raised his voice and called out, “Can you hear me?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m trying to have a conversation here. I’m on a date.”
“With a knight?” Squat Wizard asked.
My face felt hot. “Uh. No? No. With Todd. Say hi, Todd.” I pointed back at Todd, who looked like he wished I hadn’t done that. He gave a small wave to Squat Wizard and said, “Heeeeyyy.”
Squat Wizard frowned. “Sorry. I just thought you were with the knight. You haven’t said a single thing to Todd since we got here.”
“I’m protecting him,” I said defensively. “He’s nice.”
“Nice?” Squat Wizard said. “That’s not a ringing endorsement.”
“You’re nice,” I told Todd. “That’s totally ringing. I like your ears.”
Todd blushed.
Ryan said, “Everyone has ears, Sam. Gods.” He was all growly.
“I’m aware of that, Ryan. I am being complimentary!”
“Is that what you call it?”
“Hey, just because you—”
“Oh boy,” Squat Wizard said. “I totally get it now.”
“Get what?” I asked.
The Dark wizards laughed.
I cocked my head at them.
They stopped laughing.
Squat Wizard said, “You’re being serious.”
“About what?” I was confused.
“Wow,” one of the Darks said. “That’s gotta be super uncomfortable. For everyone involved.”
“It’s so obvious,” Squat Wizard said. “Like, the most obvious thing I’ve ever seen.”
His Darks agreed.
“What is?” I asked.
“My head hurts,” Squat Wizard said.
“People say that around me a lot,” I told Ryan. “Must be my magic or something.”
“Or something,” Ryan agreed. “Like all the talking.”
“Her Majesty, Queen Sass,” I announced to everyone in the room.
No one seemed to get the joke because they didn’t laugh.
“Tough crowd,” I muttered.
“I think they’re more concerned with imminent death,” Ryan said.
“Oh. Right. Well. Can’t have that.” I looked back at the Darks. “This has been fun. Maybe come back and see me some time? You guys seem nice.” I gave them the ol’ Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is big eyes and big smile at full blast. Ryan made a strange noise at my side, like he’d been punched in the stomach.
Squat Wizard smiled back and said, “Aww. You too, Sam. We’ll just get out of your hair and let you enjoy your evening. So sorry f
or interrupting. Remember—”
One of his Darks tugged on his shoulder and leaned over to whisper in his ear.
“What now?” Squat Wizard said. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh…. You don’t say…. We did what…? Uh-huh. Uh-huh…. Oh. Right.” He turned back and glared at me.
“Dammit,” I muttered. “I thought that would work.”
Ryan choked out a laugh. “I can’t believe it almost did. Has it ever?”
“Once? No. Four times.”
He sighed. “You have got to stop putting yourself in these situations.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll get right on that.”
“Sam of Wilds!” Squat Wizard shouted. “You took the life of Lartin the Dark Leaf. A fine, upstanding Dark wizard who loved long walks through the forest and the smell of vanilla-scented candles and eating pudding. You have taken his life, and now we shall take yours. And that of the knight since he has chosen to stand with you. Maybe even little Todd there.”
Morgan was going to kill me.
A flicker of green off to the side. Maybe some gold.
There was a reason I didn’t use my magic much out in public, something that he and I had agreed upon when he’d tested me shortly after finding me with the boys of stone. He didn’t want people knowing the extent of my power. Ryan hadn’t heard about the thief-chair thing because Morgan had gotten there first and changed them back. No one knew about it, and I was a bit foolish to have spoken of it. Because I was strong. Very strong.
Stronger than Morgan.
Stronger than the Darks.
In fact, Morgan thought I might have been the strongest wizard he’d ever heard of.
And that scared him.
And it scared me too.
It scared him because he was always worried about what people would try to do to me if they found out. There were always others out there that wanted nothing more than to harness all the power they could get their hands on.
It scared me because I was always worried about what I would do to people. I had turned a group of boys to stone with just a thought.
So we agreed to keep it quiet as much as we could. Until we knew more.
It’d been ten years. The only thing we’d really learned was that we still didn’t know where my limits lay. There was always a ceiling to magic, a point where it could go no further. Magic is bound by laws much like physics or mathematics.
