by TJ Klune
“Yes, Sam.”
Seven minutes later.
“AND THE adventure begins,” I snarled. No one clapped this time.
I took a step.
Nothing.
And then another.
Nothing.
And then another.
Still nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief. I held my head up and looked north.
“Oh shoot,” Gary said. “I forgot my—”
“Gary!” I shouted at him.
“Kidding, kidding. Jeez, Sam. Maybe calm down a little bit, huh? You’re looking a little stressed out. Maybe we should play a traveling game. Like ‘I Spy’ or something.”
“Gary, you don’t know how to play I Spy. Every time, you mess it up and say exactly what it is you are looking at.”
“I do not. Watch. I Spy with my little eye something that is the castle.”
“Gary.”
“Sam has a guess, everyone! The joy I feel is rapturous!”
“Is it the castle?”
“Yes,” he said beaming. “You are so good at thi—Wait. Dammit.”
“This is going to be a long trip,” I mumbled as I led the way to the gates of the City of Lockes.
“I’ll go again. I Spy with my little eye something that is that chair. You’ll never guess. Dammit!”
CHAPTER 12
Six-Inch-Tall Angry Naked Men
with Wings
FOUR DAYS later, Gary still hadn’t figured out how to play I Spy.
Ryan tried to explain the concept, but it was pointless. I didn’t tell him that because it kept him occupied and his attention off me. I still wasn’t sure if I was mad at him, even if he was a self-proclaimed Sam Girl. (I pretended that note meant absolutely nothing to me, even though I looked at it every night before I fell asleep—shut up.) I could feel him looking at me every now and then, but I stared resolutely forward, watching and waving to everyone that passed us on the Old Road. Many had already heard of the dragon taking Justin, but none had actually seen the dragon itself.
The first night we stayed at an inn in a little hamlet outside of the City of Lockes. Ryan was swarmed as soon as we got inside, people clamoring to meet him. Gary, Tiggy, and I ditched him immediately and made our way up to the room. Ryan stumbled in hours later, going for the empty bed, since Tiggy, Gary, and I were curled up on the other one, Tiggy’s legs off the end as he held us against his chest. I cracked open an eye and Ryan had a frown on his face as he glanced over at us. I didn’t know what that frown meant, but I took it as extraordinary judging that he was not allowed on the Cool Kids Bed and therefore was feeling sad and alone and wishing he had been invited.
That probably wasn’t it at all, but it sure as shit made me feel better.
The third night we camped under the stars. Gary tried to tell a ghost story but got distracted by fireflies and chased them. Ryan smiled quietly after him and I wanted to throw my jar of beans at his face.
The fourth day, we came to the fork in the road where the River Hermed (which bisected Verania from the tributaries in the north until it reached the sea) met up with the Old Road. The river itself flowed through the Dark Woods. If we followed it north, we’d hit Meridian City and therefore Old Clearing within ten days. If we took the long way around via the Old Road, it would be three weeks.
The others stopped behind me.
“Oh my gods, are we finally there?” Gary asked. “We’ve been walking for weeks.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s the fourth day.”
“Tell that to my thighs,” he said.
“I don’t want to tell your thighs anything.”
“Rude. Ryan would talk to my thighs.”
“Not even involved,” Ryan said.
“Can we kick him out of the adventure yet?” Gary asked.
“I smash him?” Tiggy asked.
“No smashing,” Ryan said.
“Maybe later,” I said, distracted. “Time for a course change, boys.”
“Nope,” Ryan said, following my gaze along the river. “Not going to happen.”
I glared at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in charge here.”
“Funny,” he said. “I didn’t know you were.”
“Oooh,” Gary and Tiggy said.
“I’m the wizard here,” I said.
“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.
“And I’m the Knight Commander,” Ryan said.
“Of the Eighth Battalion,” I reminded him. “Which is the Castle Guard. We are not in the castle. Therefore, you are in charge of nothing.”
“Oh snap,” Tiggy said.
“I taught him to say that,” Gary said fondly.
“Morgan said to stay on the main road,” Ryan said, “for your safety.”
“I can handle myself.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen how you handle yourself,” he muttered. “Works out real well, doesn’t it?” He winced. “Dammit. I’m sorry. That’s not—”
“Go whatever way you want,” I said coolly. “We’re going along the river.”
I turned and walked away. Tiggy and Gary followed. I didn’t look back.
SO OF course it was fairies.
I hated fairies.
One minute I’m cursing Ryan in my head even as he was following us with a kicked puppy look on his face that was not affecting me in the slightest, and the next I felt the whisper of magic that wasn’t my own.
I said, “Oh shit.”
Ryan said, “What?”
Gary said, “Yeah, we’re screwed.”
Tiggy said, “I don’t like this.”
Magic is cool, okay? It’s fucking awesome. I can do shit that people could only dream about. Morgan opened up my eyes to a wide world of things I never thought possible. I can make things out of nothing.
But you know what sucks about magic?
How easy it is to bind it. To confine it.
To trap it.
Vermilion root. Countermagic. Antimagic. The feathers of a phoenix. The blood of a dragon. Binding potions.
And fairies.
I hated fucking fairies.
Because they hated me. Well, one in particular.
And I could already feel my magic starting to dampen.
Gary and Tiggy could feel it because they were magical creatures. Tiggy’s blood wasn’t as potent as a full-on giant, but it still was more powerful than a human. Same with Gary. Since his horn had been taken from him, he didn’t have the strength he used to. But they were both magic in their own right so they could feel that same thrum that sizzled across my skin.
“We should probably run,” I said.
“That’s probably a good idea,” Gary agreed.
“Fast,” Tiggy said.
“What?” Ryan asked. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I said, moving behind him and pushing him to get him moving. The shield he wore strapped to his back felt hot under my fingers. “Nothing at all. This is just the time in the adventure that we practice how fast we can run for no apparent reason whatsoever. It’s called the Super Fun Run. Everybody loves it. Now do it.”
He snorted and looked over his shoulder. “This is going to be the part where I’ll get to tell you I told you so about leaving the Old Road, isn’t it? It’s literally only been thirty minutes. Literally.”
“Nope. There will be no I told you so. None whatsoever. I am just worried about your cardiovascular health. We need to get your blood moving. Keep you nice and limber.”
Fucker was just pressing back against my hands. “And why do you need me limber, Sam?” he asked, sounding almost amused.
And of course my mouth went dry and I thought of sexy things like getting fucked up against a wall and telling him his smile would look even better if I was sitting on it. Somehow, I was able to restrain myself and instead made an inarticulate noise that came out somewhere between a growl and a moan. “I don’t. Just. Shut your mouth. And your face.”
“Sam,” Gary snapped. “Stop touching Ryan and st
art running.”
“I will punch your legs and leave you here for the fairies,” I threatened him, pulling my hands away from Ryan as if he’d burned me.
“Fairies?” Ryan asked incredulously.
“No,” I said. “No fairies. Just running.”
Tiggy was already taking off down the road, kicking up large plumes of dust. Gary followed him, the packs on his back rattling and bouncing.
“Fairies, Sam,” Ryan said.
I was too busy running to even think of something to say, but have no fear, it would have been witty and triumphant and he would have bowed at the word play.
That and the fact that I was still stuck on limber.
Like, how bendy was he?
Could he touch the ground with his hands without bending his knees?
That was an image that wasn’t going to leave my head.
It showed the true depths of my talent that I was able to multitask in such a way to be running from certain imprisonment while also fantasizing about Ryan saying things like “I’ve always wanted to try and do the splits. On your cock.”
Running with a boner is no fun. Trust me on that.
Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to do it very long.
Because I stepped into a fairy ring.
Like a douchebag.
“Goddammit,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead where I’d struck a seemingly invisible wall. I looked down and saw a circle of purple mushrooms surrounding me.
I looked farther down the path. Gary and Tiggy were stuck in their own fairy rings.
Ryan, on the other hand, had a large tree bending toward him, wrapping its limbs around his arms, holding them above his head. It’d happened so fast, he hadn’t been able to even reach for his sword.
“So,” he said.
“Don’t.”
“This is what it feels like to be captured with Sam of Wilds.”
“Shut it.”
“No, seriously. I wondered how quickly this would happen. I honestly expected it to at least take a full day.”
“I hope you get splinters in your wrist,” I told him. “Like big ones that get right under the skin and are a bitch to get out.”
“No, but does everyone want to imprison you?” he asked. “Because it sure seems like everyone wants to imprison you.”
“Yes,” Gary called back from farther down the road. “Everyone does. Sam has a tendency to piss people off when he talks. Or breathes. Or exists.”
“Hey! No. That is not even remotely true. I am adored. Maybe not universally. But by some people.”
“Like your parents,” Gary said.
“And me,” Tiggy said.
“Thank you, Tiggy,” I said. “You are a true friend and the feeling is mutual. Unlike, say, the feelings I have for the other two people on our adventure team.”
“Really?” Gary said. “Enlighten me, Sam. Just what kind of feelings do you have for Ryan?” A pause, a hesitation, the longest fucking three seconds in the history of time. “And me?”
“There are at least thirteen ways I could see your life ending in the next four minutes,” I told him. “Three of them involve lava.”
“The youth of today,” he said, shaking his head. “With your bows and arrows and magic fingers and attitude. I worry about the future, especially if you’re all going to be so indifferently bloodthirsty.”
“Uh, guys?” Ryan said.
“Bloodthirsty?” I said to Gary. “If I’m that way, it’s only because you made me that way.”
“Seriously. Guys?”
“Me?” Gary said. “If anything, I am the sunlight in your otherwise darkened world. I bring you the light to chase away the maelstrom that is your soul.”
“Pretty sure the tree is taking me away.”
“Sunlight?” I laughed. “Please. You’re so lucky you have me. I tell you sex puns, which everyone knows are the highest form—”
“Uh, newsflash, Sam. No one thinks they are the highest form of humor.”
“Yes, the tree is definitely taking me into the forest. Don’t know why. It would be nice if someone acknowledged me. Is this wind-rape? I feel like this is going to be like wind-rape.”
“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy called out.
“You lied to me?” I screeched at Gary. “All this time I thought I was being humorously sophisticated and you were lying?”
“Tiggy! Thank the gods. This tree is trying to pull me into the Dark Woods. I can’t get loose. Tell Sam to pay attention.”
“Hi, Ryan!” Tiggy waved.
“You should see your face right now,” Gary said to me. “You look like a tomato with a hole in it. Because that hole is your mouth. And it’s open. And you’re red. Okay, that wasn’t the best analogy, but it was the best I could come up with and the tree is kidnapping Ryan.” He looked over my shoulder with wide eyes.
“What?” I turned around. Sure enough, the tree was pulling Ryan into the Dark Woods. “What are you doing?” I shouted after him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Seriously?” he snapped. “I’m getting molested by trees and you’re yelling at me?”
“Hmm,” I said with a sniff. “No need to be all sensitive about it. It was just a question.”
“Hey, Sam?” Gary said. “I’m pretty sure the mushrooms around Tiggy and me are moving.”
“They’re what?” I asked. “Are you sure you didn’t just eat them? Gary, I told you that you can’t go around eating whatever mushrooms you see. That’s what happened last time and you were tripping balls for a week. You got into a fight with an imaginary duck named Hector who you said was homophobic.”
“He kept calling me a fruitcake!”
“He wasn’t real and now my mushrooms are moving.” And they were. The fairy ring around my feet was shifting. The mushrooms had uprooted themselves and were hopping toward the forest, keeping the circle perfectly intact. I felt the edge of the circle at my back and tried to press against it to keep the mushrooms in place, but the magic in them (earth and forest and green green green) was overriding my own, pushing it farther and farther down. I pushed my back against the invisible wall behind me. My feet skidded in the dirt. There was no give. The circle never faltered. The mushrooms kept moving into the woods.
“Well, shit,” I said. “I am truly annoyed now.”
“Yeah,” Ryan called from farther in the woods. “So sorry for you. I’m pretty sure this tree is passing me off to another tree that is not as discerning about personal space. I don’t know that I’ve ever been groped by a forest before.”
What made that truly bothersome was the sharp little curl of jealousy I felt at that. Yes, I can freely admit that I was jealous of a tree bad-touching Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.
Gary said, “Doesn’t that happen pretty much wherever you go?”
“I don’t ask for it,” he said back. “People just… touch.”
“Maybe you should ask it to buy you dinner first,” I sniped.
Gary knew me well enough. “Sam, it’s just a tree.”
“Shut up, Gary!”
“No, tree!” Ryan suddenly shouted. “You don’t get to touch that!”
The blood rushed in my ears. I wanted to touch that.
“Thank the gods we got nonsexual mushrooms,” Gary said.
“No bad-touch,” Tiggy said, frowning down at his fairy circle.
“Okay, the next tree isn’t touching my junk yet,” Ryan said.
“We don’t need a play by play,” I said hoarsely.
“You okay, Sam?” Gary asked evilly. “You sound out of breath.”
I tried to call upon my magic to light Gary on fire, but the fairy circle was too strong. Maybe if I was as old as Morgan or had more control than I did, I’d be able to do something about it.
And, of course, that traitorous little voice in my head said that maybe if I had my cornerstone well in place, this wouldn’t be an issue. That was a thought I banished to the farthest recesses of my mind.
“What is this?
” Ryan said, sounding closer than he had before. I looked over and could see him through the forest, arms still above his head, tree limbs groaning as they moved him slowly forward.
“Dimitri,” Gary sighed.
“Who is Dimitri?”
“Ha-ha,” I said weakly. “So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king.”
There was silence. Then, “Of course you did.”
I scowled at him even though he couldn’t see me. “It wasn’t my fault! He wanted to marry me and I told him I didn’t see him like that and he got mad!”
“Yeah,” Gary muttered. “Because that’s the whole story.”
“Close enough!”
“Everything wants to have sex with you,” Ryan said in disbelief. “Literally everything.”
“That tree didn’t,” I reminded him. “That was all you. Way to go. You got wood.”
“Ha!” Tiggy said. “Puns.”
“Not funny,” Ryan said. “I’m still traumatized. There were… leaves. Near my… you know.”
“Your cock?” Gary asked. “Dick? Your dong? Man tube? Baby maker? Your balls and chain?”
“Gary!” I said as I stepped over a fallen tree.
“Sorry. Your penis. Jeez. Prude.”
“Just how mad is this Dimitri?” Ryan asked.
Oh. That. “Um. Very? Like, I might have led him on in hopes of escaping? And then left him at the altar?”
“What?” Ryan said.
“Fairy weddings work very fast,” I said. “One minute I was minding my own business doing absolutely nothing in the Dark Woods and the next I was wearing flowers in my hair while a fairy named Harry was asking me to recite my vows.”
“Your vows,” Ryan said and great. We were back to that repeating thing again.
“I forgot about those,” Gary said with a snort. It came out as purple this time, but was muted because of the fairy ring. “You made them up off the top of your head while trying to figure out how we were going to get away.”
“It lovely,” Tiggy said. “Pretty words.”
“So, let me get this straight,” Ryan said. “You entered into the Dark Woods again, knowing that Morgan told you to avoid them. You’ve been attacked by Dark wizards in said woods and now you are telling me you almost got gay fairy married to a fairy named Dimitri by a fairy named Harry. And you still go into them. All the time.”
