by TJ Klune
His throat worked as the muscles carried the woman down his esophagus, and when he looked forward again, he grimaced. Coughed once. Burped loudly, and I wondered if it tasted like Eloise. Then he said, “That’s going to be a bitch to pass later.”
“Holy fuck,” I breathed.
Kevin grinned at me.
“You have some cult leader stuck in your teeth,” I said faintly.
He looked at the crowd staring up at him in horror. He raised his head, glared down at them, and said, “Boo.”
They all ran screaming.
THAT NIGHT, I lay on my back on the roof of the keep, watching the stars above, wondering just how in the hell my life had gotten to this point.
Then I realized it was mostly my fault, and that made me sort of depressed and happy all at the same time.
I told myself that it was because I was extraordinarily complex.
Mostly, though, I believed it was just because I was weird.
The stars were bright above me. Away from the lights of any city, they shone down like beacons in the dark. I had so many, many things I wanted to wish for, but I couldn’t think of a single one. I was exhausted and sad. Tomorrow, Justin and Ryan would start on their way back to the City of Lockes. We would follow them in a few days.
At first, Ryan looked stunned that I was coming back to Castle Lockes instead of going to Castle Freesias. That lasted about two seconds before he started vehemently disagreeing with our plans, saying we should travel together, that it’d be safer.
I told him I was being followed by Darks and was traveling with a dragon. It was safer for the Prince if he was away from me.
Justin, of course, had immediately approved.
Ryan argued.
I told him it wasn’t up for debate.
Ryan had refused to look at me for a long time after that.
Whatever.
I didn’t need his shit.
(I needed his shit.)
(Gods, that sounded wrong.)
It didn’t matter. It didn’t. We’d get back to the city and I would work with Randall and Justin would marry Ryan, and eventually, everything would be okay again. Everything would be—
“I figured you’d be up here,” he said, and I closed my eyes, because of course he would follow me up here. Of course he couldn’t leave well enough alone.
“You figured right,” I said, voice light and even.
I didn’t look over at him as he hoisted himself up through the hatch. He closed the hatch behind him. He obviously wanted this to be private, but beyond that, I didn’t know what else. Whether to try and change my mind about traveling separately or to chew me out for not telling him what a cornerstone was, it didn’t matter. No good could have come from the conversation and I sure as shit wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. I was weak when it came to Ryan Foxheart, and I wouldn’t let him make me weaker.
So when he said, “Mervin, huh?” I flushed furiously and refused to even dignify that with a response.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Should have seen that one.” He moved to stand at the edge of the keep, off to my left. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I kept my gaze resolutely on the stars. “That one’s on me.”
I waited.
“You never would have told me, would you?”
I could have played dumb, but I was done with games. It wasn’t just about this. It was about everything. “No,” I said.
He nodded, as if that’s the answer he expected. “Because of Justin.”
“Partly.”
“Oh? What were the other parts?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it does.”
“Why?”
“Because it matters to me.”
“Why?”
“Gods,” he said through gritted teeth. “You infuriate me.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Sam.”
“What?” I just wanted him to go the fuck away.
“I care about you, okay? I do. You have no idea how much or for how long.”
“Stop it,” I said, sitting up and finally looking at him. “Just stop it.” I kept my voice from cracking as best I could. I pushed myself up from the ground. “You can’t say anything like that. You can’t.”
“Why?” he said, taking a step toward me.
“Ryan,” I said, and I was pleading. I was begging for him to shut up. To keep talking. To come closer. To go away.
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said, taking another step, and I willed myself to move away. To run as fast as I could, but nothing happened. I was paralyzed in front of him, and I couldn’t even find a fucking flare of magic because my godsdamn cornerstone was standing right in front of me, and I could do nothing that might end up hurting him. “For the longest time. I wanted to walk right up to you and say my name. That I was Ryan. That I was Nox. That I was here because of you, that I did this because I wanted to prove to you that I could. That I crawled out of the slums because of you.”
“You don’t owe me shit,” I said. “You fucked your way to get where you were. You said you were a whore. That you slept with people, men, for money to get out of the slums. You said you wanted to get out of there because of me. If you did, then I made you do that… that thing. That no child should ever have to do. I did that to you. Stop making me out to be some kind of hero when I’m anything but.”
“You can’t blame yourself for the choices I made,” he growled.
And so I swung the trap shut. “Then you can’t blame me for the choices I made too.”
He flinched, but didn’t move away. I could have reached out and touched him, if I’d wanted to. And I wanted to very much. But I couldn’t. “You should have told me,” he said. “The moment you knew, you should have told me.”
“You’re with the Prince. You’re getting married to Justin.”
“I have a right to know.”
I laughed bitterly. “No, you don’t. You didn’t even know what a cornerstone was before… this. This everything. It’s not something for you. It’s not something you need.”
“It’s about me,” he snapped. “You can’t tell me it’s not. You were leaving to go to Randall because you couldn’t control your magic. I fucking help you control your magic. How the hell can you say it’s not for me? That it’s not something I need?”
“It’s not a one-time thing,” I said. “It’s not just you. There could be others. There will be others. Because you can’t be what I need. You can’t be the one to anchor it down. There will be others and I will find them and they will help me and I will show them why I was made for them. I will show them how great I can be, because I will never be anyone’s second choice. I will never be second best to someone I love.”
“No one else,” he said hoarsely. “Sam. You can’t. You can’t.”
“Why? I have to. I don’t have a choice. If I don’t, I am no better than the Darks. Except I am stronger than all of them put together. Do you know what would happen? Do you know what I could do? Ryan. I could destroy everything.”
“No,” he said. “There has to be another way. There will be. We’ll find it. I’ll find it.”
“There is no other way!” I shouted at him.
“There’s always another way,” he snapped. “You can’t just fucking give up.”
“I have to,” I said. “I have to give up on you. Because there is nothing left for me with you.”
“Sam,” he said, and gods, I hated how he said my name. Like I was everything to him. Like I was important. Like I was all he could ever want. “You can’t believe that. You don’t. Just… please. We can—”
“Then let’s go,” I said, taking a step toward him. Challenging him. Already knowing his answer. “Let’s go right now. Leave this behind. Break your oath. Break it and come with me and we’ll be everything together. Break it.”
“Sam,” he choked out, reaching for me in an aborted attempt. “You—I can’t. My word is my honor. I am a Knight of Ve
rania and that is all I am. It’s all I have. I promised my mother that I would be something. And I am. She was all that I had for the longest time and I did this for her. I am doing this for her. She wouldn’t want…I can’t just—”
“And what about me?” I roared at him. “Where the fuck do I fit in with your honor?”
His fingers twitched and then he was cupping my face and saying Sam and please and I want in a fractured voice that I just could not handle. He said, “You don’t have to do this, okay? I promise. I promise. Come back with us. With me. Just… come with me. I’m selfish. I am. I don’t care. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I want you to come back with me and just be there with me. You’ve—okay. I know. I know. It sucks. It’s awful. But I’ll make it work, okay? I can do this. We’ll figure something out. Yes, there’s Justin, okay? And I gave him my fealty. But we can be—”
“Can you even hear what you’re saying?” I asked him, trying to pull my face away. “Can you even hear what you’re asking me to do?”
His grip tightened on my face, not hurting, but not soft, either. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said, sounding more miserable than I’d ever heard him before.
“Why?” I asked again, my eyes never leaving his. It felt quiet, this moment. And huge. My skin was too tight, and I was breaking apart underneath it. I ached and even before he spoke, I knew his words would shatter everything but there was nothing I could do to stop him. “Why are you even pushing this? Why do you care? What the fuck do you want from me?”
And he said, “Can’t you see? Sam. Sam. Gods. It’s—there. It’s here.” He grabbed my hand and held it over his chest. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath my fingers. “It’s here. Ever since I first saw you, you’ve been with me. I couldn’t have forced you away if I tried. I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise.” His voice cracked and my hands shook. “I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”
I can’t be blamed, then.
I can’t be blamed for kissing him.
Because everything broke within me, and I was hollowed-out and empty.
So I kissed him.
I surged forward, and he exhaled into my mouth, a rush stronger than a sigh. I took it in as my eyes fluttered closed and as a day’s worth of his stubble scraped against my chin. I’ve kissed people before. A girl was my first, when I wasn’t sure who I was. Her name was Claire. A boy named Dougie on a dare. A castle guard named Craig when I turned eighteen and got drunk on my birthday. They were kind and sweet, but they were never like this. The tug of my lip as he worried it between his teeth. The slide of his tongue against mine, slick and warm, my heart ratcheting up in my chest. His thumbs on my cheek as he pulled away briefly, lips red and wet. Then he was on me again, pulling us together, our bodies aligning perfectly. The heat of him wormed its way through my clothes, and I might have whimpered quietly. But he swallowed it down, never letting it escape, a secret between us here in the dark, the stars shining down upon us. His breath was hot as he kissed his way up my jaw, the swipe of his tongue against my ear. My fingers curled against his chest, and he was all muscle as I breathed him in, woodsmoke and sweat and blood and we had to stop this. We had to stop before we couldn’t stop. I never wanted to. I never wanted it to end. Which is why it had to.
I said, “No,” my voice like gravel.
He brought his lips again to mine, his tongue insistent as it brushed my lips.
He pulled away, but only just, pressing his forehead against mine. Our eyes were opened, and we panted at each other, holding on tight. His eyes were blown wide, the pupils dilated until there was only a hint of color. His cheeks were blotchy, and his lips were spit-slick, and I thought savagely, I did that. I did that to him, and how my magic sang. It sang because I’d given it what it wanted most, tasting him, having him. For a brief, shining moment, I thought myself capable of anything. Everything. But it faded because I knew the truth. We’d carved out this little space just for him and me, but the moment we let go, the moment we stepped back, it would be over and we’d never have it again.
So I couldn’t be blamed, then. For holding on for just a little bit longer. For thinking this could be real, that it was just this easy. For wishing—wishing harder than I’d ever wished for anything before—that this moment would never end because I’d found someone made for me and I wanted to show Ryan why I was made for him.
He croaked, “Sam.”
“Yeah.”
“My word is my bond,” he said quietly. Desperately. Trying to get me to understand.
“I know.” Because I did.
“I would break it for you. I—”
“Would you?” I asked him. “Would you really?”
And he hesitated.
That was all the answer I needed. I didn’t blame him, not completely. I knew what oaths meant to knights. Especially when made to their kings and future kings. A knight who could not be trusted to honor his oath might as well not be a knight at all. I knew what was important to him. I didn’t blame him. I’d made my own oaths. My own promises. I understood.
And so I let him go.
He tried to hold on, tried to keep me from stepping away, but in the end, he couldn’t without hurting me. His hands trailed down my arms until he gripped my fingers and opened his mouth to say what, I don’t know. Because he closed it again and shook his head, tugging on my hands, trying to pull me back.
“We danced,” he said. “Three times the first time. If I’d known. If I could have known what—Sam. I don’t….”
“We’ll be okay,” I said. “One day. One day, this will all have faded. Everything we feel right now.”
“I don’t want it to fade,” he snapped at me.
“We don’t have a choice. I won’t be your secret. I won’t let you be mine.”
“It won’t be. He’ll understand. He’ll—”
“Ryan. Let me go.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No. I won’t. You can’t make me. You can’t—”
“Ryan.”
“Fuck,” he said. “I wish—”
“I know.”
I pulled my hands away. He let them go this time.
I took a step back. And another. And another.
He never looked away.
Once there was enough space between us so that neither of us could reach out and touch the other, I said, “You’ll leave. In the morning. Take the Old Road back to the City of Lockes. Take what supplies you’ll need. There’s an extra rucksack. Don’t stop. Don’t delay. Don’t wait for us. Go home and be happy. You are a knight commander. You worked hard for it. Be proud, Ryan. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. Marry Justin. He cares about you and you care about him. That will be enough. For your oath.”
“What about you?” he asked, voice ragged.
I smiled, though I felt it tremble. “I’ll be okay. You’ll see. I’ll be okay. I’m Sam of Wilds. I’ll always be okay.”
I thought he was going to say more, to wear me down until I was begging him not to leave, to kiss me just one more time. To never let it stop.
But instead, he nodded. Curled his hands into fists at his sides. Exhaled heavily. His shoulders were tense, but it mattered not. In the starlight, he looked beautiful, and I felt like that little boy again, that fifteen-year-old boy who saw him for the first time and who understood by the stumbling of his heart that nothing would ever be the same again.
“Go,” I said. “Please. Go.”
And he did.
I looked up at the night sky as the sounds of his footsteps faded down the stone steps.
The stars shone brightly.
CHAPTER 25
Stories from the Journey Home
THEY LEFT early the next morning.
I told them to be careful.
Justin scoffed and too
k Ryan’s hand in his.
Ryan nodded but didn’t look at me.
I wanted to tell him I didn’t regret a single thing.
But I didn’t.
I watched the road long after they’d disappeared.
“WHY DON’T we just fly home?” Gary asked. “It’d only take a few days.”
“Humans don’t ride upon my back,” Kevin said. “It’s racist.”
Gary swooned.
“ARE YOU sure?” I asked Kevin that first night after Justin and Ryan had left. We were at the top of the keep again. Gary and Tiggy were below us, looking through the books to see if there was anything of value that we could take. Mostly, it was explicitly detailed pornography, describing sexual acts that made even Gary blush. (“Triple penetration? My gods, your asshole would be like a cave entrance after that.”)
“About?” Kevin asked, tail twitching. His black scales looked luminous in the moonlight.
“Going with us.”
“Are you questioning a god?” he asked. “Spake der truth, hoominz.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that doesn’t quite work on me.”
“Had to make sure. It was nice while it lasted.”
“And then you ate her.”
He grimaced. “Not my finest moment. But she was a threat and now she’s not, so I guess it worked out in the end. And eventually, she’ll work her way out of my end. Ironic, don’t you think?”
“Ugh,” I said.
“Indeed.”
“She was a threat to you?” I asked.
“Well, yes. And to you. And Gary. And Tiggy. Since we don’t like Ryan and Justin, we won’t count them.”
“You defended us,” I said, surprised.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Why would you? I’m a wizard. You hate wizards. You don’t even really know us.”
“Are you a good person?”
“Uh. I think so? Most of the time.”
“And Gary and Tiggy are good?”
“Yes. Better than me, for sure.”
“There you go,” he said, as if it were nothing.
“You’re very strange,” I said after a while.
