by Harms, C. A.
Everything I was thinking about terrified me. On the other hand, I remembered how I felt with Evan. He made me feel alive again. He made me feel like I could do anything with my life. He made me feel loved, even though those words were never spoken. It was just a feeling of stability because he had it all. He was confident and strong, determined and driven. He was sexy and made me feel sexy. Thinking of a life with Evan was so much different than what I had with Brad. Evan’s family was the problem though, they would never accept me. I was a drop out, waitressing stripper with a child. I was dead weight to him. It didn’t matter anyway, he had Alexis and that’s who his family envisioned as his soul mate. I had to pull myself back from all of this. I had to get out of this triangle I was in.
I was pulled from my inner battle when I heard the door open. Brad stumbled through with Emma. I could barely see either of them behind the huge stuffed bear he was carrying. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Couldn’t say no, could you?” He dropped the bear and sat Emma down on the floor next to it. He looked beat and I covered my smile with my hand. Welcome to my world dad. See what you’ve missed.
“She’s two, seriously Kylie what the hell do you feed her, sugar? She never stops. I tried saying no, but a two year old in the middle of the toy store screaming…not good. I had to get out of there, so I bought the damn thing.” He shook his head before a grin spread across his lips. “She smiled all the way here, making it completely worth it though.” I watched as she climbed on top of the bear and hugged it. The thought of these two spending the day together was a vision I dreamed about for a long time. Eventually though, I let that dream go. Now here he stood and I wasn’t sure I could let my guard down.
I hadn’t noticed him walking toward me until I smelled his familiar cologne, after all this time Brad still smelled the same. It was strange that at this moment I found that scent comforting. Brad reached out and grabbed my hand, placing his other onto my hip. He pulled me to him and spun me around. He smiled down at me. A slow song was playing on the radio from behind me. “Do you remember when you first found out you were pregnant with Em? After you stopped freaking out and dried your tears. Do you remember what we did?” I let my gaze fall to his chest. I did remember and it caused my throat to feel tight.
He leaned forward so I could feel his breath on my cheek. “I told you that I loved you and then we danced to the music from my car stereo. We were down by that lake at the edge of town. All we had for lighting was my headlights.” That was a great memory, one I held onto after he left. I thought he was finished, but he continued with his memory. “I held you close to me through song after song. We kissed and then we made love on the hood of my car. We made love in the darkness, in the middle of nowhere.” I felt a tear drip onto my cheek and I looked up into Brad’s eyes. “Ky I’m so sorry I’ve been such a disappointment. I’m sorry that I never stood by you like I promised. That sweet little girl over there,” he looked toward Emma. “She was lucky to have one great parent. You stepped up when I failed you. I will never forgive myself for throwing away what we had.” Brad placed a light kiss onto my lips.
I never stopped him, I knew it was coming. A rush of unstable feelings ran through me. I had no idea where these feelings were coming from regarding Brad. I straightened myself up and stepped back. “We’ve had a lot of great memories Brad, but we’ve experienced a lot of bad ones too. You can’t forget them. I can’t forget them.” He just nodded his head and let his gaze fall to the floor. Brad had become aggressive toward the end. After that first night he came home from the bar he was so angry. I knew now it was related to the drugs. I couldn’t do that again. In an imaginary world maybe I could forget and hope for the best, but I knew it would all backfire.
Brad and I spent the rest of the weekend with some distance. I was afraid he was getting the wrong idea and I had to stop it from going further than it already had. I was allowing myself to reminisce entirely too much regarding the good times. The more Brad was near, the stronger that pull for him became. I found myself staring at him remembering the feelings of being in his arms. Distance is what I needed. Distance would be good. My heart was a mess, Evan was gone and Brad was persistent.
~Twenty Four~
(Kylie)
“I made a few calls today, inquiring about the GED classes. All the information was very intimidating, but I’m going do it; I need to.” Brad was leaning over Emma as she alternated feeding him and herself her snacks. He had picked her up from daycare to spend a couple hours with her. I found them sitting outside on my porch when I came home from work.
“Kylie, that’s great. Stop worrying you’ll be fine. I was the one that distracted you all the time. You would’ve been fine if I could’ve kept my hands off you and let you study.” He winked, striking that familiar pull. I swallowed and looked away. He was right, I met him and everything else just disappeared. I allowed myself to become so consumed by the older guy who wanted me; before I knew it, I was pregnant, married and dropping out of high school.
“Hey, I was thinking, can I take you and Emma to dinner tonight?” Turning back to face Brad, I saw his hopeful grin.
“Sure, that sounds nice.” I knew he was trying and I had to give him credit for that. We made our way in and I quickly changed out of my work clothes.
We decided to go get burgers because it was so much easier than an actual restaurant with Emma. We climbed into Brad’s truck and I felt a little nervous. By the time we made it back Emma was wiped out; she was cranky and exhausted. Brad dropped us off and went home for the evening. Emma fell asleep quickly after her bath and I had the evening to myself.
I hadn’t noticed before today that Evan’s suit jacket hung on the chair in my room. I ran my finger across the collar, before bringing it to my nose. His alluring scent made my eyes fill with tears. I had the distraction of Brad over the weekend. But now, standing here in my room alone, with the smell of Evan so evident, made me realize just how much I missed him. I sat down on the end of my bed clenching his jacket close. I slipped my arms through the jacket sleeves and wrapped my arms around me.
Walking to the kitchen I found the bottle of vodka Sarah had left here in the cabinet. I would just have a little, enough to help me sleep. Emma was asleep and would be for the night so it was harmless. Tomorrow was my birthday and I was feeling sorry for myself. If I just had a few drinks I would be able to relax. Adding some Vodka to the glass of orange juice, I tipped it up slowly. The first few sips went down so well; it was easy to lose track after the first drink. I wasn’t sure exactly how much I drank until I lifted the Vodka bottle and found it was empty. Things were fuzzy, but I felt so relaxed.
I flopped down onto the couch giggling about nothing. The giggles soon turned to tears, uncontrollable tears. I was so confused. It would be easier to crawl back to Brad because I knew he wanted me. Evan already found another warm body. He hadn’t even waited a day before allowing his precious Alex to sink her claws into him. The images of them together just made the tears started falling once again. Soon my tears turned to anger. He played me, Evan made me feel special. How the hell was I special? If I meant anything to him, he would’ve fought for me.
I dialed his number hoping that I’d be able to give that bitch an earful. It was almost midnight, but I didn’t give a shit. “Hello?” When Evan’s sleepy, husky voice answered.
I fumbled through my words. “I um, ya…I uh.” I took a deep breath, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have called.”
“Kylie, are you okay?”
I shook my head no, blinking back the tears. “I’m fine Evan, I’m sorry I woke you. I just had a weak moment of intoxication. Go back to sleep.” I hung up quickly. Wow, Kylie you really let him have it, didn’t you?
He never tried calling me back so that told me I needed to move on. I let my head rest back onto the couch. How pathetic was I; I sounded like an insane stalker.
I woke from a tapping noise on my front door. Rubbing my eyes and looking at the clock, one in the morning. I hadn’t been asleep long.
I already knew who it was. He probably showed up to tell me to stop calling him. I walked to the door, dragging my feet. I was embarrassed and debated on just ignoring him. Evan was pretty persistent so I knew that option wouldn’t work either.
Once I opened the door my knees felt weak. Evan stood with his hair slightly tousled from sleep. He wore frayed and faded jeans and his snug fitted shirt hugged his full arms. When his eyes met mine they looked heated and intense. I swallowed hard. He stood in the doorway twirling his keys around his finger. I felt extremely nervous as he stared at me without saying a word. His eyes scanned me causing me to look down. Damn it, I was still wearing his jacket. My cheeks felt flushed. I couldn’t come up with an excuse so I just shrugged my shoulders. The corner of Evan’s mouth curled upward, “Nice jacket.”
I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. He stepped in without hesitation and closed the door behind him, causing me to step back into the wall. He was now only a few inches from me continuing his intense stare. I was too focused on fighting my inner hunger for him to think of anything to say. Evan lifted his hand and tucked my loose hair behind my ear. His fingertips lingered on my cheek before falling back to rest at his side. “I’ve been waiting for you to call.”
What? Waiting for me to call, why? “Why?” My voice was shaky and I tried to steady it before speaking again, “Why were you waiting?”
He took another step toward me closing the distance, swarming my senses with his intoxicating scent. I took in a breath and he smiled. After a moment his expression darkened and appeared pained. “You ended things Kylie. You never gave me chance to make any of it right. You decided on your own that things wouldn’t work. I’ve spent the last five days in hell. Baby I miss you. I want you and only you beautiful.” Evan’s hand gripped my hip and pulled me tightly to him, “I need you Kylie, as much as I need air to breathe.” His lips crushed to mine and I never fought it. I needed him close, just for a moment. I was starving for the taste of him, the feel of his lips with mine. The visions of Alexis in the hotel bed with Evan flashed without welcome. I pushed against his chest and he stepped back slowly. Questioning eyes found mine, “Why are you still fighting it baby?”
I shook my head, attempting to clear it. “I did call you; Alexis answered your phone. It was really late at night. I know she knew it was me.” I watched his reaction closely.
“It isn’t what you think. Our phones got mixed up at our dinner meeting. I realized I had her phone the next morning. There was nothing in the history from you though.”
I laughed lightly, “Of course there wasn’t, she deleted it. Are you seriously that blinded by her? Alexis couldn’t possibly be that conniving. She has such a big heart.” I oozed sarcasm with every word. I was still hurt that he didn’t believe that his mother or Alexis disliked me.
“I didn’t come here to talk about her. I came here to talk about us,” he spoke just above a whisper.
“Evan, there is no ‘us’, not anymore.”
He smiled at me, how could he be smiling? “You see baby, that’s where you’re wrong. There will always be an ‘us’. I don’t want to pretend that we didn’t happen.” Evan leaned into me and I could feel the heat between us. He whispered, “I usually get what I want Kylie, and what I want…is you. I won’t settle for less. You ignite my soul baby. I need you.”
Feeling Evan kiss my neck as he whispered his words, with his husky tone, just made the hunger I felt even more uncontrollable. I needed a connection with him. I needed to feel him close. I wanted to feel his hands and mouth all over my body. I felt as if I was on fire and the only way to put it out was to surrender to Evan. I had to have him. I reached up, pulling him to me, urging him forward. Our pace was quick and rough as we tore at one another. I heard my panties tear and Evan began to hesitate, but I grabbed at them completing his attempt. Dropping them to the floor quickly, I grabbed for his buckle. His jeans hit the floor around his ankles and he grabbed the back of my thighs, lifting me and bringing me to rest onto the small table next to the front door.
I knew this was going to be quick and hard. Evan had that familiar look of extreme hunger. The same look he had the night we had sex on the couch. Pure intensity and starvation for me poured from him. “Wrap your legs around my waist,” he whispered roughly. I braced myself against him and he slammed into me hard and fast. I gasped at the fullness and he let out a deep moan. “Fuck, baby this is where I belong. Inside of you Kylie…you’re mine and I won’t let you go.” Before I could respond he began thrusting into me hard. Evan gripped my hips and slammed me into him meeting his every thrust. He threw his head back as we rocked into each other. Sweat dripped from our bodies and pleasure ran through me.
I felt him filling me and with each stroke he groaned deep from his chest. He slammed hard once, twice as the plant fell from the table and hit the floor. I felt him tense and then his slick release emptied into my core. Reality hit and I realized we skipped one important step, a condom. I was glad at that moment that I remembered to get my shot last month. I looked down at our bodies and lightly laughed. Evan smiled in return, “What’s wrong?” He followed my gaze and chuckled in return.
“Next time, maybe we’ll be able to hold out long enough to remove our clothes.”
He slowly began sliding out of me. “Fuck, I didn’t think about a condom until now.”
He looked a little panicked and I had to save him. “It’s okay, we’re safe.” He wrinkled his eyebrows at me in a questioning stare. “The shot, I got it last month. No worries, you’re not stuck with me.” I jumped down from the table and picked up the plant that lay on its’ side on the floor. As I stood up I felt his arms wrap around me from behind.
“No, but you are stuck with me, because I’m not walking away. The last few days have been pure hell Kylie. I want you in my life, and I missed Emma’s sweet face.
“I don’t know how it could work between us. Evan, your parents will never accept you settling for me.”
He spun me around to face him, “Stop, I’m not settling Kylie. With you I’m getting everything I could want. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. I’ll deal with my parents.” Evan kissed me softly and much slower than before. My shirt rode up in the back, as he gripped my bare ass cheeks. “You have such a sweet ass,” he smiled against my lips.
“Pervert,” I rolled my eyes and turned away from him to finish cleaning up the spilled dirt on the floor. Evan helped me slide the table into place and adjust the picture on the wall that we had managed to knock sideways. He knelt next to me on the floor, “Can I stay with you? I don’t want to leave.”
I was fighting an inner battle. I knew that Brad would be here is the morning; it had become a morning routine over the last few days. On his way to work he stopped to see Emma and would eat breakfast with her. I knew it was just his way of seeing me but I liked having him there. It was nice that he was spending time getting to know his daughter. I wasn’t sure how Evan would take this news. I looked up to meet his stare. “Is something wrong? Do you need to tell me something?”
I stood and walked to the garbage can, taking a deep breath before turning back to face him. “Brad will be here in the morning.” I looked to the floor quickly to avoid the glare he was now holding. “He’s been stopping to have breakfast with Emma on his way to work.” Not that I owed him an explanation for my actions. We broke up, so if I had Brad over it wasn’t his concern.
“Are you two sleeping together?”
I couldn’t believe him, “Everything is not about sex, Evan. He’s spending time with his daughter. I can’t deny him that if he’s trying.”
He ran his hand threw his hair in frustration taking a handful and squeezing. “I don’t want to see you get hurt Kylie.”
I blew out an irritated breath, “That’s funny, because you don’t seem to care if Alexis says or does things that hurt me.” I shrugged toward him waiting for a response.
“Fine, you know what, I can’t lie to you. I can’t t
ell you that nothing ever happened between me an Alex. We dated back in college. For a couple years actually and yes our parents actually thought that one day we would get married.” He dropped his hands to his sides before continuing, “It was our junior year and I found a pregnancy test in her garbage. It was positive. When I asked her about it she denied it. She said it was her roommate’s, so I let it go. A couple of weeks later we were studying and I needed a pen.” He looked to the floor and paused. Evan blew out a frustrated breath, “I found discharge papers from a clinic with instructions for outpatient care. Alex…;” Evan took another deep breath and continued. “She got a fucking abortion. She never told me, she never let me have a say in the outcome of my unborn child’s life. What made it worse was if I wouldn’t have found that paper I never would’ve known. I broke it off with her. I have never looked at her the same.”
I felt a knot in my chest. Evan looked destroyed as he talked about the child he would’ve had. I reached out and took his hand as he continued. “Over the years I’ve stayed clear of relationships. Alex has always been there. Our parents have tried to shove her at me daily. My dad hired her, and yes I have fallen back to her on occasion, but it’s never been about love. She’s always been a distraction from reality.” My heart sank as I thought about the last five days. Had he fallen back to her to avoid what was happening with us?
“Baby I promise you from the moment you decided we were going to give ‘us’ a shot, I have not touched her. Being with you made me realize, I can have all the things I have now, plus all the things I want.” He raised my hand to his mouth kissing my palm, “Kylie, I’m terrified of losing you to Brad. He has a hidden agenda. I can feel it every time he is around. I don’t trust him.”
~Twenty Five~
(Kylie)
Evan did end up staying the night and I knew the morning was going to be anything short of tense. Brad and I had become more relaxed with one another lately. That all faded when he found Evan walking out of my bedroom shirtless. He shot me a glare and then his eyes immediately connected with Evan again. I was standing in my kitchen with my soon to be ex-husband and the man of my future. I had no idea how I was supposed to refer to Evan as at this point. This was going to be a stressful morning.
