by Bri Stone
“Fine. I went for a walk, because I felt okay. I’m headed home now.” I check out and start for the last two blocks.
“Oh, good. I spoke with Dean today, he says you’re doing well.”
“Yah, Dr. Walters is cool.” I sigh. I hear some ruffling on his end, he must still be in his office. Probably doing paperwork he evaded until the last minute.
“Uh huh. But how is everything else?”
“Good. My talk with the chief was good. I haven’t gotten behind, and hopefully I won’t. I know I need a backup plan if I do.” I clear my throat, breaking up the nervous tension there. I don’t want to think about shit like that.
“Well, that’s why I had you major in something else.”
“You had me?” I manage a laugh, and he does too.
“It will be fine. It’s...not the same as Alice. We caught it early, it’s fine.”
“You sound like you’re convincing yourself too.” I point out.
He is only silent for a little bit, and I reach my building entrance.
“Yeah, maybe I am. I don’t want to lose you too, Thom.”
Something hangs in his voice, and I can’t place it. Nor does it seem like a phone conversation either.
“I never thought about how hard this would be for you.” I say so quietly, I’m not sure the speaker will pick it up.
Inside my apartment, I trash my bottle and unlace my shoes. When I put Stan on speaker, he finally says something back.
“It’s uh, it sucks. It’s rough. But I’m here for you, I won’t run. Not like before.”
“Before?” I ask. As far as I remember, he was always there.
When mom was diagnosed, and all through treatment. Especially in the end.
“Huh? Nothing. I just want you to know you can talk to me. But what about Perrie? Did you tell her?”
That prompts me to collapse on the couch. “No. I told you I wouldn’t.”
“I told you when I bought those flights...”
“Oh no,” my lips play at a smile, “your money comes with no strings.”
“True. But I hoped you might tell her then.”
“You mean on her birthday weekend? That I have fucking lung cancer? I don’t think so.” I stare at my phone like it did me wrong.
“Uh, right. But I don’t know if it’s the best plan, and I won’t tell you what to do. Everyone has their secrets, I won’t butt into your relationship. Speaking of, what about the ring? Will you give it to her then?”
“Hmm. That’s a good idea, but I have to get one sized. Mom didn’t have anything, and I have a little bit in savings.”
“Send me what you have, and I can get something made.”
“I think I should do this one on my own. So I can at least feel like I’m not spoiled.” Though it’s more than that. I want to be part of every process that comes with giving Perrie that ring.
“Well, you’re spoiled rotten. But I’m fine with you doing it on your own.”
“Thanks. It will be fine...”
“Thom, you want to marry this girl, but you won’t tell her you have cancer? How is that going to work?”
“I didn’t get that far...” I scratch my jaw. I have completely avoided shaving at this point, I keep it trimmed around the edges, but it is definitely growing thicker.
“Fuck, son. You’re in for it. Perrie is a sweet girl.”
“I know.”
“You can’t choose her rights in the relationship.”
“I know.”
“When you see her, you have to make a choice.”
“What are you saying, Stan?”
“Don’t make me spell it out for you.”
I lay back on the couch, my phone falling onto my chest. I don’t even want to think about it.
“Yeah. No. I’ll uh, call you back. I have to hop in the shower.”
“Okay. Talk to you later, love you.”
“Love you too.” We hang up.
I can count on one hand how many times he has said that to me, but he isn’t an emotional guy, so it makes sense.
I get in the shower and then go straight to bed. But I toss and turn, getting flipped by the decision to tell Perrie the truth, or spare her the truth and let her go.
I DON’T BANTER AROUND with my friends as much as normal. I am barely present through lunch with them, and even during rounds. I focus all my small energy on getting my work done right, so I don’t miss anything. I’m grateful to even be up walking, that chemo isn’t too severe and keeps me from being semi normal. Of course, I’m not going for a run every few days anymore, but I can still live my life. I kept comparing every point to mom, and where she was at. There was a huge difference there, but I can’t let myself think about it.
I just focus on myself. Walters is very transparent with me, and honest about each and every weekly scan. Now, the end of September, they’ve shrunk two millimeters. It seems like a small amount, but for me, it’s something. If we were aggressive with chemo, we could probably get them down to thumb sizes and extract them orally, but I couldn’t compromise my job in the program for it, and I wasn’t going to. It was all I had to connect me to mom, to keep me here for a reason and justify lying to Perrie.
I was gutted every time I even spoke to her, especially heard her voice over the phone or saw her on Skype, because I knew I was being dishonest. A hypocrite, in a sense that all I ever asked from her was honesty. But it’s a shitty situation all around, I don’t know what I can really do. Well, of course I know...
“So, you’re leaving this weekend, right?” Staci creeps up on me in the locker room, October festive with her orange scrunchie.
I did a double on Wednesday, so I could leave right on Thursday morning, today. I have my duffel bag in the car and am putting some stuff up for safe keeping.
“Yeah, in a few hours actually.” I offer her a smile. To be honest, she looks beat, but I would only be shocked if she looked on point. In her scrubs, she has her brown hair tied up and I see the sleep in her eyes. “Did you just get out of surgery?” I ask her.
Staci collapses on the couch and kicks off her sneakers. “Yeah. A tumor resection, from the spine. I think it’s been like...seventeen hours.”
I hear the strain in her voice. Since I have a few minutes, I hand her a water bottle and sit on the edge of the couch. She is sprawled out, with her leg hitched up on the back. She drinks it down greedily.
“Did you wear a diaper or just not drink anything?” I laugh, and she manages a half laugh.
“Erm, no. We had a break, Hollywood has done us wrong.” She sits up a bit. “You look different, did you come out of surgery too?” She cocks her head to the side as she studies me.
I shake my head. I knew everyone would notice at some point. My eyes dulling out, my skin going a little paler. I don’t run my hands through my hair in public anymore, because some always comes out. I’m lucky to not have gone completely bald.
“No, just tired in general.” I sighed. “I’ll be back Sunday night.”
She nods, “okay. Can I ask you something?” Staci sits up fully, with this inquisitive look in her eye. I hope her question isn’t too evasive for a moment before I nod. “I met this guy, but I really can’t tell if he actually likes me. You’re honestly the only standup guy I know, I thought you might give me some advice.”
I am mostly shocked before I’m flattered. We all have fleeting conversations that border on deep, because we really are the only ones who understand our lives here, so I am not necessarily surprised. I just find a second to say what I think will help. When I sit next to her, she starts laughing and I chuckle a bit too.
“To be honest, men will be obvious about wanting you to an extent. Most of it is just figuring out if it is only physical. Trouble comes when things are more serious than they expected. Is that how it is?”
“Yeah, mostly. It’s complicated because we met in a bar. It was rough when he kept texting me a few days after...anyway, he was in town and then he wasn’t. We’ve been going back and fo
rth for a few months now. I don’t know if he wants to be together. And I did try having this conversation, but he has this way...” her cheeks flush and she evades my gaze, so I know what she’s talking about.
I snicker, “sounds about right. I say go with your gut. Honestly, second chances don’t come often, and it sounds like you have one. To an extent, give yourselves a shot.” I glance at my watch, that Perrie herself got me. “I have to get going. You can text me though, if that didn’t help.”
She laughs. “Okay, thanks. Have a safe flight.” She gives me a half hug, “you literally smell like the oncology floor, you should shower before you see Perrie.” She laughs.
I nod and laugh once, “gotcha. See you later.”
I grab my bag and practically race to the airport.
Chapter Thirteen: Thom
First class was almost essential, but I knew it was overboard. The flight was three hours, and as soon as I landed I freshened up in the bathroom and headed to ground transport. I had no idea what Perrie was doing at work, but I texted her that I landed. I hadn’t been here yet, so I was excited to see the area, but excited to see Perrie more. Boston is definitely a different sight already.
My sleeved Henley and leather jacket are just enough for the chilly weather. I sit outside for a while, people watching; reunions and goodbyes, when Perrie calls me.
“I left early, I’m coming to pick you up!”
“What, on foot?”
She giggles. “No. A cab...” she sighs.
“You sure you can leave early?” I’m dying to see her, but a little on edge too. I wonder how I can look in her eyes and manage not to tell her.
“Yeah, Sandy let me off the hook. I can’t wait to tell you all about our dinner, I’ve been so busy. But I’ll be there soon!” The excitement in her voice is contagious and it warms my heart.
“Okay, see you soon, baby.”
I take the time to make sure Staci was just being over dramatic about my scent, but honestly, I haven’t showered since the middle of yesterday. I’ve sprayed cologne and chewed gum, but I know Perrie won’t care, I just want to see her. Shit, it’s been damn near a year since I’ve seen her. Leading up to now, I have settled in to the numbness, so knowing I am so close to seeing her just makes me antsy, like I can’t contain myself.
I head outside and stand by my duffel bag, watching cab after cab go by until everything just changes. The sun peeks through the clouds and I find energy to stand up straighter, her energy. I nearly feel her in my soul as she climbs back through my bones.
“Thom!” Perrier hangs out the window, and as soon as the cab comes to a stop she is running to my side.
She collides with me and I collapse into her. The scent of her is subtle, warm, and intoxicating. As her hair ruffles my cheek, I grip her close to me by her waist and am reminded how easy she molds to me. I pull back to say to her, “hey, Per—mmf!” But am silenced by her pressing her lips to mine.
She doesn’t care we are in public when she coaxes my lips apart and practically jumps in my arms, and she tastes like mints and chai tea. I think on any other day I would have lifted her up by now, but I can’t manage the physical energy, I just stay focused on kissing her, reacquainting myself with her taste. We pull apart, both breathless. We hold our gray gaze as she cups my cheek, runs her fingers through my short beard and into my hair, when I cringe she makes a face.
“It tickles.” I lie. “You look beautiful. Perfect.” I smile and use the excuse to hold her at arms lengths, moving her hands from my hair. Her cheeks flush as she shrugs.
“You look good too. Tired. But good.” Her thumb traces under my eye.
I smile, and we just stand there beaming at each other until the cab driver honks his horn. I think we both forgot he was even there.
“Let’s go.” Perrie takes my hand, and I pick up my duffel then we head to the cab.
She relays the address, and curls into my side before we head off. I have my arm around her as she rests on my shoulder. I trace aimless shapes in her arm, hidden under her black sweater, and inhale her scent. It’s better than anything in the world.
“So, how was the flight?” She looks up at me.
“Nice, as usual Stan hooked me up. How was your day?” It’s just hit three in the afternoon.
“Okay, I had a tops this morning. And then I helped with the case report too.”
Her eyes light up in the most magical way. She really loves this. I tuck some hair behind her ear, I miss seeing it down, being able to touch the milky, honey strands. “What was the dinner about?”
That excitement is still in her eyes, but I feel the tension creep in her neck. “It’s a long story. We can talk about that later...I’m really happy you’re here.” She sighs with content and squeezes my waist, the warmth of her fingers sinking in deep.
I don’t know how long the drive is, but we are well onto a freeway. Her legs entwine with mine and I graze her soft thighs, squeezing my palm against her. I missed her so much, and I want her so badly too, but I’m honestly afraid I might keel over and have no choice but to tell her. I feel physically okay, because chemo was a few days ago and I take good energy boosters just to help me keep up with work. But the kind of things I want to do to her...I don’t think she would have energy for it either.
“I’m happy I’m here too. What do you want to do for your birthday? Twenty-seven is a big deal.” I smirk down my nose at her.
“Nothing. Stay in bed.” Her yellow painted finger nails trail over my hip and I shiver, lick my lips, and nod at her.
“Fair enough. We can order in. I do have a gift for you though.”
“What is it?” She bites her lip.
“A surprise, smarty.” I laugh at her. She mocks rolling her eyes and settles back into the seat. “Where the hell do you live, Perrie?” I half joke with her.
“We’re almost to the hospital, then two blocks from there.” She explains.
I fill the space with an update on my friends. How Staci has a complicated beau, and Maci and Brock had something weird going on they refused to tell anyone about, until Maci left at the end of year two, we still don’t even know why. David is just keeping to himself and is secretive with everyone but Brock, which makes sense. Steve and his wife and kids keep us entertained when they come to visit. We all picked our specialties; Staci with neuro, Maci with cardio, Brock chose pediatrics which is still the most insane thing to me, but somehow makes sense. And David rode coattail with neonatal surgery, giving him an extra year in fellowship. Steve is in general surgery.
Everyone has their lives figured out, and mine might be ending soon. It bogs my brain the whole time, to just tell her. To be honest. To be a good fucking fiancé and not keep shit from her. But I just can’t. I can’t see her make the same face I made years ago. Put that worry on her...honestly, both my options are kind of selfish.
I’m just a little lost.
“This is me.” Perrie practically squeals as she leads me inside and up the elevator, she is nearly jumping in her shoes.
On the third floor, down the hall and to the left is her door. I saw it on screen, but it’s different in person. The entryway has those hanging beads, and then opens to the living room with plain couches and a fuzzy white rug. Her kitchen has dishes everywhere, but I’m not surprised.
“My roommate actually moved out, so I made a little office room.” she happily leads me to the room, with a desk and computer. A few bookshelves line the walls and some of her favorite paintings, and anatomical art works.
“I like it.” I circle around the room.
I find her leaning against the wall. From the ground up I study her, in jeans hugging her form perfectly, and this fluffy black sweater. Her hair falls to one side, opening up her neck to me and she looks me up and down—
“Where is your bedroom?”
I HOP IN THE SHOWER for a quick one while Perrie ‘cleans up’ because she insisted she had to. I dry off and wrap the towel around my waist, staring back in the
mirror I am almost the same color as the white towel. I lost my tan moving up north, and I wasn’t in for the tanning bed type stuff. I try and pat some color into my cheeks, but it’s no use. I just hope Perrie doesn’t ask too many questions. The only thing different about my body was the definition, I wasn’t quite at ‘dad bod’ yet though. Stan really pulled out all the stops for me, and I appreciate it. I’m getting the best treatment and medications, a physical therapist to keep me in shape as best I can, and of course my apartment that I don’t have to pay rent for. My salary goes right to savings and into stocks, I give back to the charities at the hospital and keep the rest for daily expenses. I knew if I was anyone else, I wouldn’t have it this easy.
It’s weird; that even though I have cancer, I’m lucky.
I leave my sulking mood to find Perrie in her kitchen. The cabinets are a dark wood, as is the floor. It doesn’t really seem like her, but she says the place is temporary.
“Shower okay?” Her smile is blinding.
I smile back, “yeah.” Coming around the corner, I see her cutting up a pear and I take a bite of one as I smile at her, licking my fingers as I chew it down.
“You look twenty percent better.” Her fingers trail down my Adonis belt and across the top of the towel, I’m glad to find out everything still works properly.
“Only twenty?” I close the space between us. Her scent surrounds me, and I see every speck of her gray eyes.
To have been so far away from her for so long, it still feels like I never left. Like she has always been right here by my side.
“You have to earn the other eighty.”
Perrie leans up and sears her lips to mine. I melt into the taste of her, the feel of her, as I cup her cheek and kiss her deeper. My thumb traces her cheeks as I move to hold her head against mine. I coax my lips against hers, parting her lips to suck her bottom lip. The slight moan she lets out is enough for me, to get me to completely lose any control and find every ounce of energy left in my body. I lift her up, and she latches her legs around my waist as I stumble back into her bedroom. Once we find the bed, I break away to catch my breath, nibbling the skin of her neck as I do.
