by James Lavene
Emilie pressed her hands to her mouth to keep from making any sound. Her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to go to him and comfort him but knew he wouldn't welcome her presence.
"So, I guess we'll stick with plan 'A' and you'll never really know about me or your mother. You'll have a good life with those people. You'll grow up to be as beautiful as Renee. I'll never see you again, but I'll always love you."
Emilie slipped out of Amber's room and back into her own. So much for seducing him, or asking for the children to stay with her. What could she say? “I know you don’t want to give up the children, but I'll take them? Oh, and by the way, let’s make love.”
Instead she ruminated on the stubbornness of the man. He wanted to keep the children but didn't believe he was enough for them. The children probably need him more than they needed her or any two-parent family. He was their flesh and blood. No one else could ever replace that bond.
Yet, she knew that he was determined not to keep Amber and Adam, even if it broke his heart. She could at least offer an alternative. He could see the children, if she had them. That wouldn't be a problem. He could continue being their Uncle Nick.
Armed with that incentive, knowing it was another point in her favor, she got up early the next morning. It was still dark when her alarm went off. She dragged herself out of bed and dressed quickly in a warm flannel shirt and jeans. She ran a comb through her hair then went quickly down the stairs.
She’d thought about her plan during the rest of the night and had determined that she might be going about it in the wrong way. Maybe they needed to seal the deal about the kids first. Maybe then they could share the night she’d envisioned.
It wasn’t like she’d ever done anything like this before. Sometimes plans needed to be changed.
Nick was still in the kitchen drinking coffee. He was thinking so hard, staring straight ahead of him, that she had to clear her throat twice before he even noticed that she was there.
"Good morning," she said warmly with a showy smile. "I haven't seen much of you the last few days."
"Is there a problem with Amber or Adam?" He put down his coffee cup.
"No, not at all." She poured herself a cup of coffee. "They've been fine. I wanted to talk to you about them. It's been wonderful having them here."
"They can go to the daycare if there's a problem."
"They're great kids," she reassured him, taking a seat opposite him at the table.
"The house is almost finished," he told her. "It'll probably be done before Christmas after all."
"That's good. You're welcome to stay until after Christmas since we put up the tree and everything—"
"The kids would probably like that." He looked at her for the first time since she’d sat down. "I've been thinking seriously about what you said the other night. About not giving Amber and Adam up for adoption."
Emilie's heart snagged on her next words. "Oh?"
He nodded, warming to his subject. "Maybe my sister was wrong. And maybe you're right. Maybe I’m different than my father or my sister."
Emilie sipped her coffee, her heart and mind in turmoil. Her heart wanted to say one thing while her mind wanted to say another. She wanted to have the children with her, but she wanted Nick and the children to be happy. She wanted what was best for everyone. She wasn't sure if that was the same thing.
"Well?" he prompted.
"Well?"
"This is where you're supposed to reinforce your ideas by convincing me that you're right. Because this idea scares me, Emilie. I think it might be the only way that I can live with myself, but I’m terrified."
That was enough for Emilie's soft heart to overrule her mind. "Of course you'd be wonderful taking care of the children! They need you more than anyone else, two parents or not."
"Thanks." His slow smile warmed more than her heart. "I still have some time to think about it, but I'm leaning toward keeping them, daycare, diapers, and all."
"I think that's great! They need to see you and be around you. You're their link to who they are. I've taught enough children to know that your family is an important part of your future."
"You really believe that?" He frowned. "You really believe it would be important for me to keep them—even though I might not ever marry?"
"I think one good parent, the right parent, has a lot to offer," she concluded. It was part of her speech that she'd prepared to make herself a viable candidate to adopt the children. Since that seemed to be out of the question—
"Thanks." He stood up quickly and leaned over to touch his lips to her cheek. "You've helped a lot. It's not going to be an easy decision. I've spent the whole time since Renee died thinking about it and preparing to give them up. I haven't liked it, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I think that there might be other possibilities."
"You know there might be another possibility as well." Her mind coerced her into finally setting out her own case.
"What?"
"There's 'open adoption' where someone you know adopts the children and gives them a good home, but you stay a part of their lives. You'd always be their Uncle Nick, without the responsibility."
He thought about her words. "I might consider that if I decide to adopt them out after all. Right now, I'm trying to decide. I appreciate your help, Emilie."
"Sure," she said. "I just wanted to give you something else to think about."
He took her hand suddenly and pulled her gently to her feet. "Something else to think about? You've given me a whole world to consider." His arms closed around her and she was pressed tightly to his chest. Her arms scampered around his neck like an eager child.
"Nick," she cautioned near his ear as he kissed the side of her neck.
"Emilie." He drew back from her a little and kissed her mouth as though he had never said that they shouldn't be together or that it wouldn't work.
He drew her closer yet and his hands slid across her back, easing the tension that he found there. He held her fragile form as though he could protect her from everything.
His lips didn't hesitate, taking hers, drawing her breath from her, and giving back his own. She pressed against him, wanting more, always more. She grumbled when he moved away from her and kissed the tip of her nose.
"I have to go," he whispered. "Someone in this house has to do more than decorate and bake cookies all day!"
She smiled a silly little smile that she couldn't keep from her face and waved goodbye to him as he left. Her plans were in disarray and her mind was muddled from his kiss. She knew that she'd done the right thing. She might be unhappy in the long run, but she couldn't deny him the happiness that she saw on his face. He loved and wanted those children in his life. He needed them as much as she did.
She looked around the quiet kitchen and apologized to her ancestors for not being more single minded and tougher. She was going to help Nick and she was going to spend that one beautiful night with him. Then if she had to, she was going to let him, and the children go, and hope she'd find someone else to fill her life.
Carefully, as though someone might see her and know what she was doing, she crept up to Nick's room. She looked through the old desk until she found not only the poems he'd written, but also the book that Adam was always talking about. It appeared to be a novel set in a small town. It was about a man who was torn between the family that he loved and his freedom.
Emilie glanced up at the door and the time then started to read the manuscript.
Time passed quickly. She looked up and was surprised to find that an hour was gone. She was amazed at the emotion that had come from the pile of smudged papers in her lap.
With tears in her eyes, she knew what she could do to help Nick. It was a wonderful piece of work, but it might take years to be noticed on its own.
A good friend of her father owned a publishing company in Raleigh. She was on the phone with him five minutes later. After that, she sent the manuscript by FedEx to the publisher. By the time the chil
dren were awake and ready for breakfast, their uncle's work was on its way.
Emilie helped the children get dressed and ready to go shopping after breakfast. Excitement that had nothing to do with Christmas was building in her as they trudged through the snow and listened to carolers on the streets. The sky was bright blue, the sun shining down warmly on their heads.
"What are we getting Uncle Nick for Christmas?" Adam asked after they'd bought an antique fan for Aunt Joda.
"What would you like to buy for Uncle Nick, Jake?" She used his nickname casually.
"Amber and I wanted to buy him a watch. We've got this much." He counted his money out to her. "Three dollars and twenty-five cents."
"Hmm." Emilie considered the request as they stopped at a street vendor for warm carmel apples. "Let's sit down over here and talk about it."
They ate their apples and watched the carolers and the jugglers who were there for the Christmas shopping season. Traffic went by slowly. Emilie was glad that she'd brought a packet of moist paper towels. Carmel apples were messy when there were little hands and mouths.
"This isn't enough for a watch, is it?" Adam asked when they were finished.
"Well, since I was going to get Uncle Nick a present too, maybe we could go in together on a watch," Emilie suggested.
"How much money do you have? Want me to count it for you?”
Emilie shrugged. "I have enough for a watch."
Amber started dancing around on the bench where they were sitting, making faces and pressing her legs together.
"Amber has to go," Adam told her. "She has to go bad!"
They rushed to the closest restaurant. Emilie got Amber into the bathroom as soon as she could and told Adam to wait right outside the door.
There was no damage done to Amber’s pretty red tights or her candy cane-striped dress. She hugged Emilie and looked at her as though she was even better than the carmel apple.
Emilie closed her eyes and refused to think about what it would be like without Amber and Adam. She pressed her close to her and kissed Amber's cold little face.
"Let's go find Adam," she said to Amber who clapped her hands and laughed.
Emilie walked across the restaurant, holding Amber's hand. Adam wasn’t where he was supposed to be but she saw him by the front door leading to the street.
"Emilie!" he called. "Look who I found!"
Emilie looked up at Nick who stood beside Adam, holding his hand. He smiled at her, his dark eyes intent on hers. She swallowed hard on a sudden, terrifying realization.
She was in love with Nick Garret.
She hadn't asked for it, hadn't wanted it. She'd never wanted to feel vulnerable again with a man. She’d only wanted that one crazy night of passion.
But there it was, staring in her face and she couldn’t deny it.
"Hi there!" Nick crouched down beside Amber, lifting the girl easily in his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I saw you as I was finishing up a job. I thought maybe we could have lunch," he said to Emilie over Amber's head.
"That would be great," she replied vaguely, still stunned by her realization. She pulled herself together and tried to put it from her. She might love Nick but she wouldn't make a fool of herself over him as she had David.
A waiter led them to a booth. The table had a green and white-striped cloth covering it. Adam rushed to tell Nick everything they'd done that morning while Amber blew kisses up into his face.
Emilie pretended to study her menu. She didn't have any idea what the cardboard said a few minutes later, and even less inclination to eat.
How could she have fallen in love with him? How could she have let herself be hurt like this again? Aunt Joda was right. She was lucky she hadn’t slept with Nick. How much worse would this be now?
"Emilie?" Nick tried to get her attention, tapping on the top of her menu with his finger.
She looked across the menu at him with a wide, bewildered gaze.
"Are you all right?" he asked, while the waiter waited impatiently.
"I-I'm fine." She faltered for an instant before gaining control of herself again. "I just want a salad."
"Was this too much of a change in your plans?" Nick asked her after the waiter had left with their orders. "Did you have something else to do?"
"No." She shook her head and looked away from him to her napkin. "There wasn't anything else. I'm hungry. That’s all."
Yet, when her salad came, she couldn't justify that claim. She finally pushed the bowl away from her and sipped her glass of water. She watched Nick patiently feed Amber some macaroni and cheese while Adam told him about Aunt Joda's present.
"We were about to go shopping for yours," he regaled his uncle.
Nick's gaze flew to Emilie's. "You were?"
Adam proudly nodded. "We have three dollars and twenty-five cents. Emilie is going to add her money to ours to get your present. I can't tell you what it is!"
"It's a surprise?" Nick smiled at Adam.
"That's right!" Adam gave Emilie and Amber a secret wink.
Nick paid for lunch, but had to leave them. He touched Emilie's arm and she jumped nervously, feeling his touch as though it was a hot brand on her skin.
"You're not going to add much of Emilie's money to theirs, right?"
Emilie, lost in her misery after realizing that she loved him, shook her head wordlessly.
"Nothing like the tree or the million watts of lights around the house, right?" he continued.
"Right.” She managed to find her voice.
"Are you sure you're all right?" He was worried, noticing her pale face and over-bright eyes. "Has it been too much for you taking them shopping?"
"I'm fine, Nick." She tried to sound more convinced than she felt. "It's fine. They're fine. Really."
He frowned, wondering if he heard a note of hysteria in her voice. "I could take all of you back to the house."
Emilie picked Amber up and took Adam's hand. "Sorry," she told him briskly, with a million-watt smile. "We have more shopping to do. See you later."
#
Two hours later, Emilie dropped all of her shopping bags on the kitchen floor and put Amber carefully into her highchair. She collapsed into one of the other chairs while Joda chuckled at her.
"Tired?"
"Way beyond," Emilie answered weakly. Adam brought in the rest of the shopping bags. She directed him to put them with the rest of the pile.
"There was a call for you," Aunt Joda told her, picking up Amber and cuddling her.
Emilie was amazed. "You answered the phone?"
"It was no big thing, petite. Besides she called so many times, it was beginning to irritate me. Ring, ring, ring! It was your friend, Julie Johnson. She needs you to call her back as soon as you get home."
"Thank you." Emilie was stunned by the change her aunt was undergoing. The children had really begun to bring her out into the real world.
She hated to lose the children for Joda's sake now too, but if Nick decided to keep them, perhaps he would bring them by from time-to-time.
And there was always the possibility of finding the right child that she could adopt. The New Year was coming and with it, the promise of something better.
Even if it was something better that didn’t include Nick, Adam, and Amber.
Emilie stood, her leg hurting. She'd managed to overdo it again. She was going to have to pace herself, or face the consequences.
Not that it wasn't worth it.
She would do it again to watch the children's faces as they walked through the moving toy soldiers and dancing fairies at the mall. Amber couldn't look away from the beautiful Christmas decorations, her big, bright eyes glued on them.
Emilie reached Julie on the phone. She sounded terrible. "I have one final class to teach tonight at the community college," Julie croaked through strep throat and a sinus infection. "They've worked so hard, Emilie. This finishes most of them to start winter quarter at the college. Can you please ta
ke it for me?"
"I don't know anything about college credit classes," Emilie protested. "I wouldn't know what to do."
"You can use my course book. Besides, this is the last of it. They only need the time. I was supposed to give back final exams and certificates of completion tonight. Please, Emilie! I hate to let them down, but I'm so sick."
She coughed long and loudly, moaning at the end. Emilie knew Julie wasn't the kind of person to ask if she didn't really need her.
She sighed. "All right. I'm sorry you're sick this close to Christmas. What time is the class?"
They arranged for her to swing by and pick up the course book on her way to the community college. Emilie put down the phone and glanced at her watch. Aunt Joda would have to watch Adam and Amber for a while.
Before the children had come, she would’ve been reluctant to leave anyone with her aunt. Since their arrival, she'd become more coherent, more responsible. As Emilie spoke with her, she was already starting dinner for them, wearing a Santa hat and a big red apron.
"You like it?" Joda asked, turning a little so that Emilie could appreciate the color and the effect. "Nick gave it to me. He said it was an early Christmas present."
Emilie smiled, amazed. "It's wonderful."
"He is a devil, but very handsome, eh petite?"
Emilie didn’t answer the question. Instead, she explained about Julie’s problem. "I need to get ready. I shouldn't be back very late. Here's Nick's pager and cell phone numbers, in case you need him. Do you need me to explain how to use them?”
"Put in our number when the pager beeps." Joda nodded. "Nick already explained to me. In case I needed him, he said."
"Good." Emilie put the numbers by the phone. "That's good. I'm going to get ready."
"I'll take care of them." Joda shook a spoon at her niece. "But who will take care of you?"
Emilie's head came up. "I think I've been taking care of myself for a long time."
"Too long, petite. You need someone else. I won't be here forever, you know."
Emilie felt tears well in her eyes and hugged her aunt tightly. "Maybe not forever, but a little while longer, eh petite?"
