by Dani René
I should have known it wouldn’t last. My happiness is not warranted. A monster doesn’t deserve love. I should be burned at the stake. The threat that hangs over my head is one I can no longer ignore.
As I make my way to the front door of my apartment, I know my sweet slut is nowhere to be seen this morning because she hates me right now. Her ass is sore, her pussy is raw from the way I used her last night. When I got the call to my office number yesterday evening, I was livid.
I’d come home in a mood which was filled with anger. Not at Eva, at myself. I did this. After I’d taken my sweet slave into my dungeon, I wasn’t myself. I’d been caught up in my dark thoughts and when I finally snapped out of it, when I saw what I’d done, I realized it’s time to walk away.
When I first met the delicate Eva, I was enamored. Now, I know I’ve fucked up. I’ve done the one thing I didn’t want to do—let my heart into the equation. “I’m leaving,” I call out to nobody. I know she’s not coming to kiss me goodbye. She shouldn’t. If her body were close to me right now I’d hurt her again. Not just physically, I’d shatter her heart. And not because I want to hurt her, but because I want to hurt myself. I don’t know how to deal with the pain that comes with thoughts of losing her.
As much as I don’t blame her hiding, it angers me that I’ve turned into the monster that I vowed never to become with her. As I walk down to my Aston Martin, in my mind I plan the things I want to do to her one last time. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I tap out a message.
Me: I suggest you meet me at Sins tonight, if you’re not there on the floor naked when I walk into room one I’ll make sure you can’t sit for a month.
Tonight will be the end, I’ll finally tell her goodbye. I’ll give her one last scene. One that she craves and needs. Then, I’ll send her back to Carrick. The thought of knowing she’ll be in his arms before the night is over only serves to rip my dead heart from my chest. Jealousy for my friend is unwarranted, but I feel it nonetheless. It doesn’t matter who it is, the man who finally gets her will forever be on my shit list.
Slipping into the driver’s seat, I settle back and sigh with resignation. That’s why in this lifestyle, or this world, there’s no room for love. Once you fall in love with a Dominant or submissive, you’re fucked. It’s a harsh lifestyle. Kinks that hurt, needs that break, and desires that can set off any amount of emotion.
All the years I’ve practiced I’ve never allowed myself to care for a woman more than the one night of aftercare, especially after Emelia. As soon as they walk out of the room, I forget them. Their name is not important, neither are their hopes and dreams. The only thing that matters is the hole I use, cunt or ass, or even mouth. Other than that, I don’t need more.
That was before this. Before Eva and the agreement that changed my life.
Before I start the engine, my phone buzzes.
Sweet Slut: As you please, Sir Nate.
Her words only serve to heat my blood as I head down the driveway and out onto the road toward my office. There’s never been a time I wasn’t in control. Eva fucks with that. She makes me forget I’m in charge. But I know I’m only kidding myself because as much as I want to own her, she owns me just as much.
When I reach the office, I park in my designated spot and head up to the top floor. Our firm is one of the best. Spending five years building a reputation as the top accountancy firm in the city wasn’t an easy feat, but my partner, Asher Briggs and I, have set ourselves up with a name brand that is not overlooked. A&B Finance has been in the Financial Times with more accolades than I can count. Our clients know we’re the only name in finance. If you need advice, representation, or anything in between, we know how to deal with it.
Asher has known me since college. We met while studying for our Degree’s and spent most of our time learning about the BDSM community together. Our friendship grew from strength to strength. His penchant differs from mine considerably. More of a sweet, loving Dominant, he’s caring and romantic, whereas I love to see tears.
When he told me he was going to join me at Sins a few months ago, I was over the moon. He’s still not found a submissive yet, but I know with his good looks and his calm nature, he’ll easily snag a beauty. He’s a huge fan of women bound in leather and lace. I’ve seen his collection of blindfolds made of the material. Exquisite.
I make my way into the reception area of our floor, finding it quiet for this early in the morning. Most of the staff are normally milling around, chattering with a cup of coffee, however, this morning seems to be calmer.
“Good morning, Sir,” the soft tone of Belinda comes from my left as I pass by her desk. Our receptionist, a beautiful blonde, smiles at me demurely. I could easily have her swallowing my dick, but she’s staff. That’s one thing I never do is fuck my employees.
“Belinda, I hope you’re well today,” I smile, offering her a nod.
She blushes beautifully. Submissive. “I am. Thank you, Sir.” Her voice is delicate, like the finest silk, but there’s no comparison to my Eva. I head through the main doors without another glance at her and find Asher talking to his personal assistant.
“Hey, Nate,” he greets, dropping the folder on her desk and turning to me with a smirk. He offers a hand in greeting which I accept and shake.
“Ash,” I acknowledge him, and then offer the beauty sitting behind her desk a smile before making my way to my office. The open plan space is sparsely furnished with a beautiful ornate dark oak desk which takes up almost half the office as my throne, with a faux leather office chair behind it. When we purchased the rental agreement, I sought this office before anyone else could. Mainly because I have a view that’s worth more money than I can count.
My desk overlooks a city that I can’t help admiring every day. There are bookshelves that cover the wall to my left in the same dark wood as the desk. In the center, I have a black leather sofa and small coffee table made of glass and steel. It’s not modern, but it had some beautiful touches that fit my personality to the T. On the right is a wall of glass overlooking Chicago.
When I step further into the space, I know I’m about to get the third degree. I’ve been talking to Asher, getting advice on how to handle my feelings with Eva. Not knowing how to tell someone you love them isn’t easy. Especially when you’re not meant to have these feelings for them. When your agreement is exactly that, a business arrangement.
“How is Eva?” Asher questions, following me into my office and shutting the door behind him.
“Fine.” My answer is clipped and his chuckle is the response I knew I’d get. He knows how I am with women—a cold, heartless bastard. But what he doesn’t know is that I have to leave her for reasons that I can’t even explain. I can’t tell her why. I definitely can’t tell her the truth.
“Did you two have a fight again?” He smirks. I meet his intense gaze and nod. “Jesus, Nate. You’ve got a beautiful woman who will do anything for you and you are fucking it up,” he admonishes me with a frustrated lilt to his tone. He’s one of two people who can talk to me like that without repercussions, the other being Carrick Anderson. Also, he’s right.
“She loves me. She hasn’t said it in so many words, but I can see it in her eyes.” I sigh, settling on the chair and watching his reaction.
His shocked gaze snaps to me. “And you didn’t tell her you love her? I know you do.” His question is filled with incredulity, his statement heated with confidence.
“Why would I?” Truth is, I wanted to tell her that last night, I also wanted to ask her to stay, and that’s where the problem lies.
“You don’t love her?” he questions warily, folding his arms across his chest. I don’t respond. I can’t. Because it would be a lie. “Jesus, Nate. You are going to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you because you’re acting like a stubborn child.”
Rising from my chair, I pin him with a glare. “Are you sure you want to talk to me like that?”
“What are you going to do? Whip
me? I’m not one of your slaves, Nate. And yes, I’ll speak to you any way I want to.”
“Asher, when you find a slave, submissive, whatever, and you see her look at you with those adoring eyes ready to love you even in your darkest state, and you have all that in danger, then you’ll know how it feels.” I shouldn’t have said anything, but I need his advice. Even though I can’t tell him the whole truth, maybe I can let him in on what’s going on. Maybe he can help me.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t have a choice in the matter.” I look up, wondering if this is such a good idea. Maybe he’ll drop it, but if I know Asher Briggs, he doesn’t take anything at face value. And he’s known me too long to walk away from what I’ve just told him.
“You’re going to lose a woman you love over some... what?”
“Nothing. Eva doesn’t understand my needs anymore.” The lie weighs on my tongue like a lead weight. I don’t meet his gaze when I spew out another. “I can’t be with one woman.” I sigh, dropping back in my chair, spinning it around so I don’t have to face his judgmental glare.
“What are you talking about? You love her! That means more than—”
“Jesus, Asher! It’s not her. Okay?” I grunt in frustration. He’s going to drag this out of me until I’m coming clean, until he’s found out why I’m really walking away.
“What?” He asks, shock lacing his tone. “Nathan, if there’s something going on here. If you’re in trouble of any kind, I need to know. Not because of the company, but because you’re a friend.”
“There’s something that I haven’t told you,” I face him once more. “I’m being blackmailed. I need to let her go. It’s the only way I know she’s safe. It’s the only way I know she’ll leave with her heart safe and me out of her life. I’m the fucking monster and I’ve almost broken her completely. If she finds out what I’ve done…” My confession doesn’t give away my secret, but it allows me some sort of understanding from my best friend. At least, I hope it does.
“Nate, are you still blaming yourself over Emelia? Are you always going to allow yourself to be dragged down by one fucking mistake? I told you a long time ago, when she first left you, that doesn’t make you a monster. If it did, half of the Dominants and Master’s in Sins would have their slaves walking out. We all have our own kinks. Some darker than others. You can’t blame yourself for what Emelia couldn’t handle.”
“It wasn’t that. It was the fact that Emelia loved me and I couldn’t love her.”
He watches me for a moment before rising from the chair. Placing both palms flat on my desk, he leans in. “Look me in the eye and tell me you do not love Eva. Tell me without flinching, without fucking blinking and then I’ll believe you.” He waits. We’re at an impasse because he knows I can’t. Silence is our friend, it sits between us waiting for the moment I finally admit that I can love. That I’m capable of feeling something other than guilt, regret and hate. “I thought so.”
When I glance at his darkened eyes, I can read the frustration on his face. It’s eating away at him and me. There’s nothing more I can say to strengthen my case to leave, unless I tell him the whole truth and I can’t do that. Shame squeezes my chest at what I did, but I’ll make it right. I have to.
“Nate—”
“Enough, Asher! It’s done. I can’t give Eva what she wants. Tonight, she’ll need to say goodbye.” Shuffling the pages on my desk, I attempt to look busy, but deep down, my body is trembling with anger, fear, and frustration.
“You’re making a mistake, Nate. That’s all I’m saying.” He turns to walk out of my office, leaving me in a maelstrom of emotion that’s too much for me to handle. I can’t deal with this shit right now.
Pulling my phone from my jacket pocket, I tap out a response to my pet.
Me: I want you wearing that red dress. No panties. Make sure you’ve got your pretty pink butt plug in. Tonight will be painful.
Her response is immediate and I picture her lying on my bed waiting for my messages. She spends her days at home, and works most nights at Sins. When I walk into the house after a long day at the office, she’s the first thing I see. It’s heaven. A perfect life that can never be.
Sweet Slut: I thought you wanted me naked?
Chuckling, I tap out my response. Her sassiness is one of the many things I love about her. One on a long list of traits that make me want to keep her safe, hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be okay even when I don’t believe it myself.
Me: Don’t be sassy. I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t need your smart mouth.
Sweet Slut: Perhaps you should punish me, Sir.
Me: Don’t doubt that you’ll be in pain tonight, Sweet Slut. I’ll make sure your ass is bright red, your cunt will be raw when I’m done fucking you. And make no mistake, if you touch your sweet hole right now, I’ll know. You are not to come today. Meet me at six.
As soon as I hit send, I shove my phone in the drawer. I know if we keep this up I’ll be in my car heading home to fuck her hard. I have a meeting in fifteen minutes, I need to focus on work. Inhaling a deep breath, I calm myself and open my laptop and go through the figures for my client. Even though I’m staring at spreadsheets, my mind is on one woman and I know that I’m in too deep.
As much as I want to deny it. I can’t. I’ve fallen in love with her. And even though I don’t want to, I know I’m going to have to let her go. Tonight, we will play our final scene together and when all’s said and done, we will say goodbye for the last time. I’ll have to walk away from the only woman I ever wanted and needed more than a submissive, more than a slave. The thought sends me spiraling into the dark abyss I’ve lived in all my life and I focus on the only constant I have. Work.
I should have let her go after that first night in my playroom, I should’ve walked away, but I lied and as time passed, it only built into something more. My own addictions to money, gambling, and my greed has put me here, and there’s no other way out.
Eva
I read the messages and reread them. Over and over until they’re blurry to my teary gaze. I want things to be different. I thought they would be when I finally signed the contract. He’s kept me safe. I haven’t heard from my mother again, but deep down I know I’ll never be rid of them until I see her and that vile excuse for a boyfriend behind bars or dead.
I wanted to tell Nate last night. To come clean. To finally admit all the shit I’d been hiding. But I also wanted to tell him those three damning words. And in that moment, I ached to hear them from his lips as well. For him to reciprocate and tell me he loves me too, but I couldn’t and he didn’t.
Instead, I kept quiet, and he whipped me. He made me scream, cry, and then he cared for me. Showed me affection which didn’t have the normal effect of soothing the emotion.
Aftercare means you feel safe, cocooned in your dominant’s arms. Instead, my heart hurt more than ever before because I knew then that I’ll never have the one thing I want from him. Love. I can’t be too angry with him though, I’ve not yet given him my heart, my truth. I thought we’d be able to overcome that, to both be able to allow ourselves to feel.
He may give his body freely, not only to me, but to the other slaves he’s been with in the past, and that should’ve been a sign. A big fucking neon flashing sign to tell me to steer clear. But I wouldn’t have listened. I never do.
Now, as I lie on his bed, dressed in the soft, fluffy bathrobe he bought me, I know it will be the last time I’m in his home. The shower I had earlier was warm, calming my warring mind, but as the seconds tick by and the time he said to meet nears, anxiety attacks me again.
I’ve always trusted my intuition. It’s been spot on all my life. When something bad is about to happen, I feel it, like a thunderstorm in the sky, I see it coming. Only this time I didn’t get out of the way. I walked straight into the eye of it and now I’m caught in its clutches, spinning out of control.
Last night when he arrived home from work he was cold. Cl
osed off in a way I hadn’t seen him in our time together. It’s going into the third week of our relationship, I know him, I know his moods. And this tells me there’s trouble ahead. Only, I have no way of knowing what it is or even why.
I normally spend my days reading, studying, but today I find my heart heavy. Even the temptation to taunt him by telling him I’m touching myself hasn’t given me the thrill it normally does.
Yes, I enjoy the punishments, and I tend to tease him because it’s our game. But I feel as if something’s about to crack in the fragile world we’ve built together. I’m not stupid. I know that his work is important to him, but when he got home last night, something in his demeanor shifted. There’s something he’s hiding from me and I think he’d rather let me go than let me in.
Over the time we’ve spent together, I’ve been his. I’ve given him me completely. But he’s always held back. I made the mistake of loving him. I fell, hard and fast. I knew I shouldn’t but the heart wants what it shouldn’t. I couldn’t stop it happening.
Every time I recall our first time, when he fucked me in front of others, when he used me like a toy, I wonder if he somehow chose me because I was special. Then I’m slammed back to the present and I know if I were he’d wouldn’t be planning to release me tonight. No. I’m not special. I’ve never been. I’m just a toy that offers him pleasure. I’ve given him everything a man could want, and now I know he’s about to return me without so much as a second glance.
Pain grips my heart. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I slip on the heels he bought me last weekend when we went shopping. The sleek silver sandals glisten under the low lights. Red and silver. His favorite colors.
