by Sabrina Kade
“Will they attack?” I ask Hujun nervously.
He shakes his head. “I do not think so. For now, they are only observing. They want to see if there is a weakling in the pack.”
“Pack?”
“Us.”
“Weakling?” Phoebe asks Drazal, eyes widening.
“One who can be easily picked off. One who is slower than the others. Smaller.” Again, Drazal frowns toward me.
I blush because I’m angry that Drazal keeps looking at me as though all the misery should fall on my shoulders.
“If you think this is all my fault, why are you here helping in the first place?” I hiss whisper at him as we slowly start to move again. There’s rustling in the trees, but I stick close to everyone, not wanting to be viewed as the weakling of our little pack. I haven’t even seen a dilewiler, and I’m petrified. Hujun tried to explain them to me, but of course now, I’m drawing a blank. Are they hanging out in the trees? Are they like monkeys? Is a family of alien baboons following us? The thought makes me nervous. I never liked going to the zoo as a kid.
“Excuse me?” Drazal whisper hisses back, watching the trees. “What is your fault?”
“You tell me. You obviously have a problem with me. If you think I’m annoying, why did you come here in the first place?”
“Everyone quiet,” Hujun rumbles.
Drazal ignores him for once. “My reasons are none of your concern, woman.”
I snarl in annoyance. “Then stop giving me dirty looks. If you didn’t want to get involved with this, you could have stayed back at Korben’s lair. I’m sure Iriel would have been happy to come.”
“Quiet,” Hujun tries again. The rustling grows louder.
“He was not invited,” Drazal says. “I was. I’m here.”
“Because of her,” I snip. I feel Hujun getting angrier, but I don’t give a flying poopsicle. “It’s obvious you don’t like me. Why?”
“My reasons are my own.”
My cheeks grow hot.
“Quiet. All of you. NOW.” Hujun’s voice is like a great rumble, and we all fall silent, continuing our way through the trees.
I haven’t seen any physical evidence of a dilewiler, but it’s evident that something’s in the trees above us. If they’re planning to attack, they haven’t chosen their target yet. The walk is tense until I see an opening on the horizon. The trees split apart as though inviting us into a massive open space and as it becomes clearer, we all pick up the pace. My legs are short, so I’m practically jogging to keep up, and I get more than enough motivation when a sound pierces the air above our heads.
I go to cover my ears, but Hujun grabs my arm, pulling me forward.
“Do not stop. They wish to take over.”
Take over? I’m not sure what he means, but he doesn’t have to tell me twice to move my fucking ass out of the trees. The sound grows louder as though more desperate, and it’s nothing like a baboon calling. It’s more like a bird. Shrill and piercing, but also like there’s cotton in the owner’s throat. Drazal’s picked up Phoebe now and surprisingly; she’s not complaining as the sounds grow nearer.
“Do not stop!” Hujun rumbles, slinging me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
The branches break clumsily behind us. It sounds like a war is coming and Drazal and Hujun are running hard now. Their feet thunder against the damp earth, and my attention locks on the snapping branches above and behind us. Drazal and Hujun are outrunning the beasts, but not by much. I turn back over my shoulder to see how close we are to the opening when another scream hits the air.
It’s not one of the beasts.
It’s Phoebe.
I turn back to see what’s caused her to act like this, but I can’t see anything.
When I look at Phoebe, it’s as though she’s seen the devil.
I don’t turn back to the woods again.
I don’t want to see what’s made her face contort like that.
And after a few more moments, we’re out from under the tree’s shelter. The sound of breaking branches ends as quickly as it started, and Drazal and Hujun all but collapse into the grass. The space before us is open and bare like something straight out of The Lord of the Rings movies, but the airs feels cooler and less muggy. It’s unnaturally different from back at home considering we couldn’t have traveled that far.
Home. Not home. Back at the first and second lairs.
“Stars and moons,” Drazal gasps out. “How many you think?”
I look at Hujun before he answers. “Family. Mother. Maybe four or five young.”
“Four or five young,” Drazal says, shaking his head. “Fee-bee?” He drops a hand to her shoulder, and she winces. “Do not worry. They don’t come into open spaces. You are alright now. Do you hear me?”
She doesn’t answer, but she’s panting hard, staring back into the cluster of trees.
I want to ask what she’s seen. I want to know what the fuck a dilewiler is, and I want to know what Drazal’s problem is, but it seems we won’t be sitting to chat and have a heart-to-heart anytime soon. Hujun’s already standing and holding his hand out.
“Come. We must set up shelter,” he says shortly.
“Can’t we wait?” Drazal asks. “Fee-Bee is still shaken.”
“She will have to get over it,” Hujun says. “Hurry. We are alone, but we will not be for long.” He stoops down and lowers his pack to the earth, retrieving two shirts. “Are you alright?” he asks me.
“I’m fine.”
“Hmm. Brother?”
“I will take a covering,” Drazal says over his shoulder, tending to Phoebe.
I’m dying to ask what she saw. What the hell could have shaken Phoebe like this when a Toda’s already hit her? How can she be so frightened?
“Hujun, seriously?” I ask as he slings a shirt over his chest. I noticed that his scales are flared completely away from his skin, and he wears a tired expression on his face. Surely, the run hasn’t made him so tired already? “What is a dilewiler?”
“Let us pray you will never have to know.”
“Are you tired? Did you run yourself—”
“I am not tired,” he grumbles. “It is freezing on this part of Hethdiss.”
“Freezing?”
True, the air here is a little colder than back at Korben’s lair, but I wouldn’t call it freezing. Still, though, I can’t help noticing that Drazal also looks uncomfortable with the temperature change. More tired.
“Are you going to be alright?” I ask Hujun as he sets the pack back on his shoulders again and Drazal slowly helps Phoebe up to her feet. She’s trembling, but I’m sure it’s not because it’s in the sixties instead of what usually feels like the high eighties to mid-nineties.
“I will be fine. Shall I carry you?”
“Where are we going?”
“To the collections of the divided.”
My eyebrows furrow. I have no idea what he’s talking about. But Phoebe’s not arguing, and I don’t want to cause any more delays, so despite my worries about Phoebe and dilewilers, and Drazal’s strange behavior toward me, I allow Hujun to set me on his back again, and our party starts to move. I swear I still hear some howling back in the trees, but I’m too afraid to look back now. I’m so scared for when we have to go through there again.
“You will not need to worry about the dilewilers when we return, Ellis,” Hujun rumbles as though he can read my mind. “We went through their territory in preparation.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means they are now hungry for the scent of whatever passed through their territory,” Drazal calls over. “Trust in your mate if you want him to trust you, tiny one.”
My eyes narrow. Tiny one. And I’m back to being angry again. I’m not exactly sure what Drazal thinks about me or, rather, my relationship with Hujun, but it’s obvious he doesn’t approve of something. I want to say that maybe he’s Hujun’s brother like Dolan and Azan are actual brothers, but I’d like to th
ink Hujun would have told me early on.
The two large aliens have fallen silent as we venture further and further away from the dilewiler territory. I take the time to look around the hillsides as Hujun walks, noticing that Phoebe has fallen into an uneasy sleep, perched in Drazal’s arms like he’s a damn firefighter. It’s incredible to think I’ve forgotten Hethdiss is a planet. For months, all I’ve known is the purple trees, lavender fog, intense humidity, and never-ending rain. But there seems to be much more than that. Hethdiss is big. It feels like we’re running across the Appalachian Mountains except I don’t see any snow. It’s chillier than back at Korben’s lair, but I’m still comfortable in my skirt and tank.
The more the temperature drops, the more it feels as though Hujun and Drazal are slowing down.
I blink at the skies, wishing it was warmer, if for nothing else than to help them because the colder it feels, the weaker Hujun acts. I’m not sure how he plans to kill anyone in this state, but he remains confident that his plan will work accordingly. But I thought part of the plan had to do with using Phoebe and me as bait for the others. And now Phoebe is shivering in Drazal’s arms instead of talking loudly.
“How is she?” I call to Drazal.
“She is weak. Frightened.” He frowns down at her. “I did not think she would allow herself to be warped this easily.”
I stiffen. “What is a dilewiler? Can they do something to her mind?”
“What?” Drazal sounds disgusted. “No.”
“Why else would she be so frightened?”
“Because humans are weak,” Drazal says, sneering.
Now I’m really getting angry. Pathetically, I expect Hujun to stand up for us, or even me, but he only keeps up his slow pace. I lose track of where we are or how far we’ve traveled I’m so angry at Drazal.
“What do you mean, we’re weak?”
“I believe I am speaking clearly. Does your translator not work?”
I frown. “It works just fine.”
“Then I’m afraid my answer is accurate. Humans are weak. Look at this one. Sitting in my arms, whimpering, all because she has seen something displeasing. It is borderline shameful.”
“Shameful?” I snarl. “Hujun? Do you hear this?”
“We must focus on the task at hand.”
I stiffen. “Do you think I’m weak, Hujun?”
He doesn’t answer, continuing to run, but Drazal looks over smugly.
“It is silly to ask such a question while riding on the back of another, tiny one.”
And then I’m fucking done. “Put me down!” I scream at Hujun. “Put me the fuck down!” I half expect Hujun to argue, saying we need to keep moving, but shockingly, he lowers me without a single retort. He stops and looks around, looking winded and defeated, and maybe he just doesn’t want to argue anymore.
Drazal stops as well, cradling Phoebe to his chest before gently setting her down on her feet. I quickly rush over.
“Are you alright?”
“Fine,” she says. “Just got spooked. I’ll be having nightmares for weeks.”
“They are merely animals,” Drazal says, shaking his head. “Nothing has happened to you.”
“Hey,” I snarl. “Can you shut up? I thought you liked her.”
“I like women who are strong,” he sniffs. “A Sidyth woman would never act like this. Both of you should be ashamed.” Phoebe winces, but Drazal pretends not to notice. “I do not mind protecting the two of you, but I will not say what isn’t being considered by most of us here. Human women are weak. They are weird looking. They are ungrateful.”
“Ungrateful?” I snap. I’m still looking at Hujun. Dying for him to say something, but he’s catching his breath. I hate myself for being irritated with him. I shouldn’t expect him to stand up for me or the entire human race. Otherwise, I’m no better than what Drazal’s saying I am. “Drazal, I’m not sure what your problem is with me, but if you don’t spit it out, I’m afraid you and I are going to have a problem.”
“Tiny one—”
“Don’t call me tiny!” I hiss.
“Drazal, that is too much,” Hujun rumbles.
He narrows his eyes, and I wrap my arm around Phoebe’s shoulder. She’s shaking only slightly now.
“Did you see them?” Phoebe asks me suddenly. “Please tell me you saw one. I don’t want to be alone when I try to tell the others. They’ll never believe me. I saw arms and claws and a trunk that looked like an elephant’s, but it had fangs. It looked like something out of a fantasy novel… or King Kong. I don’t even know. Please tell me you saw it too.”
I shake my head. “Sorry.”
“That’s for the best,” Hujun rumbles.
“Why? Because you think I’m a coward too?”
His eyes narrow. “Ellis, I have told you how I feel about you.”
“A lot of good that’s done,” Drazal chimes.
“Seriously, what the fuck, dude?” I scream, leaving Phoebe’s side. My voice rises, and I feel Hujun looming closer, but that doesn’t feel like enough. This bastard has been insulting me since we left on this little mission and Hujun’s barely attempted to stop him. It’s like he can’t disrespect one of his brothers even though they’re talking badly about humans. “What is your problem?”
“I have no problem,” Drazal says, looking over my head at Hujun.
“Don’t look at him! Look at me!” I screech.
A cocky smirk hits Drazal’s features as Phoebe stands and shuffles to his side.
“Did you hear what he was saying about you?” I snap. “Did you hear what he said?”
“What did I say?” Drazal asks. “I’m sorry if what I said bothered you, Ellis, but I am not going to apologize. Humans are weak. This should not come as a surprise to you.”
I frown. For too long, I’ve heard this about humans. Even before I became a Human Whore, people assumed I was weak because I never hit the five-foot mark and I have a young face. Teachers treated me like I was in elementary school even when I was in high school. People would pat the top of my head or pretend to use me as an armrest. And when I went to college, I couldn’t buy a drink to save my life, and I’ve had my ID checked more times than I can count. I wanted that all to change when I became a Human Whore, but it was as though all my worries became magnified. Suddenly, I wasn’t just a weakling, I was a human weakling. Lower than a dog. Stupider than a fish.
The only person who makes me feel worthy is Hujun. He towers over me, but he never makes me feel like a child.
And now, this asshole is trying to take that all away from me.
Doesn’t he know what’s happened? Doesn’t he understand why we’re here?
If Drazal thinks humans are terrible, why did he come along? In the beginning, I thought maybe it was because of Phoebe, but now I’m not even sure. Why would he say something like that about her if he likes her? Is Drazal really like the Sidyths back in Korben’s lair because he’s seriously not acting like it. He’s acting more like…
“You don’t believe in what these Sidyths stand for, do you?” I ask Drazal.
Finally, his cocky expression changes. Shifts. Contorts. “What?”
“You,” I say accusingly. Hujun tries to grab my shoulder, but I wrench free and advance toward Drazal.
Drazal’s not like Hujun. He’s not like Azan or even Korben.
And though he’s staying with them, I’m not sure if he believes in their values.
“Tell me, do you think females are inferior?”
“Ellis, stop,” Hujun rumbles behind me. “You go too far.”
“You’re saying that to me?” I snap. “Have you been listening to him?”
“Yes, but—”
“But nothing!” I scream.
Small. Short. Young. Immature.
Toy. Doll. Pet. Plaything.
Weak.
Tiny one.
The words wash over, and I’m getting angrier. For the first time in a long time, I wished I were taller. I want to stalk up
to Drazal and smack the cocky expression off his face now that it’s returned.
I’m so tired of being seen as weak.
What the hell am I even doing here?
So what if Hujun kills some aliens for talking about Yayk? Then what happens? Will he even Choose me? What if he gets hurt? What if this colder air really is doing something to mess up his system? I’m not sure if I’m ready to face losing him over defending my damn honor. Maybe Drazal’s right. Maybe I am weak. Why else would I allow Hujun to risk himself for me? I should have used everything in my wheelhouse to stop him, but instead, I all but expected him to take care of everything. Even now, I’m waiting him to stand up to Drazal for me.
I slowly back away from Drazal, my shoulders bunching together in defeat.
All this time, I’ve been thinking Hujun is weak for not Choosing me.
Maybe I’m the weak one for never choosing to believe in myself.
This is precisely what Kansas was trying to work with me on. Blythe, too. And yet I blew both of them off, and here I am not growing. I’m blaming myself for something that wasn’t my fault. If I would have kept talking to both of them, maybe I wouldn’t even be here. Yayk wouldn’t have mattered. The aliens who I heard talking wouldn’t have mattered. And Hujun wouldn’t be so convinced that he needs to take care of everything if I didn’t give him so much reason for him to think it does matter.
“I’m not worth all this,” I mutter, shocked at how relieving the words feel, no matter how devastating.
Drazal frowns suddenly, fixing me with a shocked expression.
“What did you say?” he asks.
I can’t even look at him. I look up at Hujun.
“I’m not worth it.”
Hujun looks even more shocked than Drazal. He seems downright ruined. After everything that happened between us last night, I’m surprised I can even find the words to express this, but after this morning with the dilewilers and Drazal’s obvious distaste for me, it becomes all too clear.
I’m not worth any of this.
I’m a short space entertainer with the face of a child. I chased Hujun around because he was the first alien on Hethdiss to show me kindness, and I should have accepted his rejection of me long ago. And yet, I pursued. I was arrogant. And when that arrogance was practically stripped away from me by Yayk’s chilled hands, instead of finding a way to move on, I clung harder to Hujun. He allowed it, but the entire time I should have been working on myself.
