Walls of Ash

by Amber Newberry

  When I left Li in the room across the hall from mine, I collapsed onto the bed and almost immediately fell asleep. I napped until I heard a soft knock on my door, and my Aunt came in. She sat down on the edge of the bed and touched my hair, which I had loosed from my hat. She had not changed much since the last time I saw her, nearly a year ago on my summer break, except I saw that her hair was beginning to turn white here and there.

  “Dear, we have missed you. I do hope that you will not long for Germany too much. Celia said that you were content there.” I nodded my response.

  “Well, now that you are home, you have a busy few months ahead of you.” I was waiting for her to continue but she stopped until I finally spoke.

  “Is there something you are trying to tell me?” I asked bluntly, and she blushed.

  “You will be mixing with many people from various places. Many of the men you will be meeting... introduced to... some will be extremely important people, I must warn you...” I looked at her, puzzled.

  “Celia told me that she explained about your Grandmother. Who she was and where she came from?”

  “Yes, but she said that you did not want me to know,” I said.

  “Until you were old enough.” She paused. “We did not know of your mother’s family until after her death, and she took her family name to the grave. It is rather an unpleasant history, and we did not want you to be ashamed.”

  “I could never...” I began, but faltered, and we sat in silence for a moment.

  “Baron Eckhardt and his son are in London. You may see him soon, and I think a dinner party might be in order.”

  “You will almost assuredly have a proposal from the Baron’s son.” she finally blurted out.

  “How can you be so certain?” I asked. “Though he wrote to me in Germany, I hardly know the man...” I was shocked and I’ll admit, frightened at the prospect. My life was catapulting forward and it seemed that I had nothing to do with the path it led me on.

  “They have been invited to your Uncle’s birthday celebration which is in two weeks’ time. Do not distress, Tamsin. When I married your Uncle Charles, well, we hardly knew one another, but there is a strong love between us, now. These things grow over time,” she finished, and she could see that I was displeased with her actions. I had so many mixed feelings screaming to come loose.

  “Very well, then, I will leave you to dress,” she said as she got up and walked toward the door. She stopped and turned before leaving.

  “Dear, Reginald and his sons will be joining us for dinner...” and with that she disappeared into the hallway.

  I grumbled at the reminder and stood up to change my dress.

  * * *

  I chose a light purple gown with a thick, green ribbon that tied just below my bust. It had flowers along the bottom and the ribbon finished off into a lighter green. “Verte,” the French seamstress had said, and she cleverly found a way to work the green into almost every piece of my wardrobe. I owned only one pair of gloves as we had not yet been shopping in London, they were plain white and came up most of my arm. I let them fall across my lap while I brushed my hair. There was a knock at the door and a young woman I recognized as Fleur, all grown up, entered.

  “Pardon me Miss, Lady Rhineholt says I’m to be your lady’s maid. She sent me up to see that you get any help you might need...”

  Fleur grew up to be a surprisingly attractive young woman. Her hair was tucked under a bonnet, but it seemed lighter. The black and white maid’s habit was becoming on her trim figure and her eyes were blue-grey and just as large as I remembered them.

  “Fleur, how glad I am to see you! Would you mind?” I was sitting at the vanity trying to achieve something with my hair, but I was not the artist Celia was. In almost one move, she swept my hair to the back of my head into a pile, curls escaping and framing my face, as was the style at that time. Looking in the mirror, I saw only a hint of the young girl who stood before the mirror at Rhineholt two years before.

  Fleur helped me with my gloves, fastened a necklace on me, and I told her I would be fine on my own after dinner.

  “Yes, Miss.” Then, before she left me alone, I just had to say something to her.

  “Fleur.” She turned and stood just inside the door frame.

  “Yes, Miss.” She was just as soft-spoken as I remembered.

  “I hope that the past will not affect our relationship now. I only ever wanted to be your friend.” I said, holding her gaze.

  “Of course, Miss. I am happy to serve you.” It felt wretchedly formal, and I hoped that she would be more amiable in the future. She was dismissed, and I crept across the hallway to Li’s room but I was surprised to find that she had already gone downstairs. I turned to find Celia at the top of the stairs. As I came toward her she reached out her hands and took mine.

  “You look so much like your mother. Even more so than you did a few years ago.” She smiled as she moved a red curl behind my ear.

  I took a deep breath, then we entered the drawing room together. The room hushed as we stopped just inside the archway. My Uncle came over to me and took my arm, Reginald took Celia’s, and they led us to where Emmaline stood. Unfortunately she was right next to Julian, whose eyes I refused to meet. I turned my gaze and saw that Leo and Li were talking intently across the room. I started at the sound of someone saying my name.

  “Tamsin, my how you look like Annaliese in those colors.” It was Reginald, and he smiled at me, but I was distracted with seeing Li looking so comfortable with her step-cousin Leo. Once I was free from my Uncle’s arm, I excused myself. I brushed passed Julian and met his eyes for the first time since we last saw one another. He grinned oddly as he grabbed my arm.

  “Shall we go and check on my poor, helpless step-cousin?” I did not hide my revulsion at his touch and I saw that my Aunt was giving me that old look of consternation. Julian led me away.

  “Now there’s a look you must have missed horribly while you were away.” I rolled my eyes.

  “What? Not even a smile for your dear old friend?” he asked in mock surprise. I remained silent and walked faster, leading him over to where Li stood.

  “Li, I came to your room. You did not wait for me...” She was taken aback.

  “Is something wrong? I did not mean to upset you. It has been such a long time since I last saw Leo...” She stumbled on the words. I realized then that Leo was looking at me. I shook my head.

  “No, Li, I was just worried that you might feel out of place.” Leo took my hand and kissed it. Li looked stricken as he did so and I knew that my initial thoughts were correct. She was already in love with him. I remembered that last summer while we were separated, I had no letters from her except for when she wrote to tell me of her step-grandmother’s death. Leo was there all that time, and they must have shared their grief.

  Dinner was announced. Julian grabbed my arm and hung back while everyone made their way toward the dining hall.

  “Let me go!” I said angrily.

  “Wasn’t that the last thing you said to me in Stuttgart? How long ago was that, two years? Don’t you think I ‘let you go’ long enough?” I freed my arm and left him to catch up to everyone else. I arrived in the room to discover that I was sitting next to Li which left an empty seat on my other side which was, sadly, the only place left for Julian.

  I sighed.

  I tried to hear what was being said to my right, but with Julian on my left it was not long before he stole my attention away from the other side.

  “So that’s it? You’ve decided to ignore me completely?” He paused while I took a sip of a red wine that I was not able to enjoy.

  “Not a word?” I was still silent.

  “Not even an insult?” A faint smile crossed my lips before I could stifle it.

  “There!” he said, “You can’t take that back now, I saw it.” I shook my head and released a sigh.

  “Really, I thought they sent you to that convent to teach you manners. Did they tell you how
rude it is to ignore your dinner partner?” he asked in a mournful tone that reminded me of my Aunt. I turned my head to look at him full on.

  “How is your meal?” I asked, and faced forward again.

  “Why it is delicious, thank you for asking, though I wouldn’t mind some more talkative company.” He waited, expecting a laugh and received a cool look from me.

  “I’ve not amused the queen, then?”

  “Must I throw myself on the mercy of the court?” Cool silence, again.

  “You would make me beg for forgiveness, then? Plead my innocence?” He got close to me and grabbed my hand until I looked him in the eye. While I knew that the way we spoke to one another was terribly unrefined, I could not help enjoying it a little.

  “Tamsin, I made a mistake... what do you want me to say? I was younger, rash, and far less charming!” He dropped my hand and finally got a giggle from me.

  “There! Was that so hard?”

  “If you truly believe you were less charming then, I think you have it backwards! Don’t think for a second that this means we are friends!” I said a little too strongly.

  “At least you are speaking to me again. I promise to stay in your good graces, this time. God forbid I have to spend another two years in exile. I don’t know how Monsieur Bonaparte did it on Elba for so long!” he said it with an obnoxious imitation of a French accent and that got another laugh from me. He smiled.

  “I knew you couldn’t resist me for long...”

  “You are already walking on egg shells, so you might not want to give me a reason to--”

  “I promise!” With that we survived the rest of dinner.

  I retreated with the rest of the ladies to the drawing room while the men took their brandy in the dining hall. I hoped I would have a chance to talk to Li about her relationship with Leo.

  The conversation with my Aunt and Celia dragged on for what felt like an eternity. There was talk of gloves and dinner parties and gossip about people I’d never heard of before. I also thanked my Aunt Emmaline for bringing Fleur to London to be my personal maid.

  “You always seemed to have a soft spot for that girl.” Then she finally excused herself to bed. I did the same and hoped that Li would, as well, but she stayed with Celia for a while longer, talking of hats and gloves.

  When I got to my room, I washed and changed and after I waited to hear Li knock on my door for some time, I quietly stepped out into the hall and knocked on her door. There was no answer. I let myself in and saw an opened note on her dresser. I picked it up and read:

  “Dearest Li,

  I will be early for dinner, meet me in the drawing room so we can be alone?”

  It was signed simply, ‘LH.' I still had the note in my hand when I heard her voice behind me. She was not angry, she spoke softly.

  “Tam, I wanted you to know, but I wasn’t sure how to tell you...” she said.

  “Are you in love with him?” I asked.

  She was quiet for a moment, and she walked over to me and we sat together on the bed.

  “Are you?” I asked again.

  She sighed and said, “Leo has asked for my hand. If my father gives his consent, we will be married.” We were both quiet for a long time. All this time, Leo held onto my handkerchief, but it was Li that he loved, not me.

  “I’m so happy for you,” I finally said, and she immediately threw her arms around me, and when I saw her face she was tearing up and I knew that I was right to let it go. I was not really sure of my feelings for Leo.

  “Tam, it is the only thing I have ever kept from you, and only because I thought it would upset you.” she said. I realized then that we hadn’t really talked openly since before Paris because we were so caught up in all the excitement. She filled me in on her relationship with Leo and told me that they wrote to one another nearly the entire time we were at school. When she finished the lengthy story, she asked about Eckhardt, and I told her that my Aunt was certain he would ask for my hand. Then I told her about my misgivings and about Julian.

  “Well, I will still be with you here until the wedding, at least, and Leo and I agree that we want to take our time, as long as Father agrees.” she said.

  “Li, there is no reason why he won’t agree. Leo is a fine man and he is practically family, anyway,” I said and patted her shoulder. I realized then how happy I was for her. She would be avoiding the season almost all together. I wished for my own escape, but at the same time, I was not keen on the idea of wedding Eckhardt. I was equally averse to Julian.

  “What will you do if Eckhardt asks for your hand?” she said.

  “I’m not sure.” I really did not know what I would say, though my Aunt seemed to think that it would not be long before the proposal arrived.

  Chapter 9

  That night my dreams were all flashes from that day I lost control of Perseus. I saw myself on the horse that Leo carried me to Creeda on. In the dream, I was in panic because there was a strange feeling that he was leading me the wrong way. I was screaming his name, but he would not turn. There was a flash and I was lying in the bed at Aven Cottage, with my wound undressed, the blood soaked my gown and the sheets. I heard the old woman’s whispering voice in my head.

  “Zwei Seelen, ein Körper.”

  Another flash and the old woman’s contorted hand was right before me. She let go of the candle, enveloping me in the bright flames.

  I gasped and shot up in my bed. My body shook and my night dress clung to me with sweat. Getting up, I went to open the window. A cool breeze blew the hair off my shoulders, and I began to calm myself down. It was the pressure that surrounded me. There was simply too much happening far too fast. It felt as though I was on Perseus, galloping toward a cliff with no way to stop him to gain a clear head.

  The following afternoon I complained that I was not feeling well at breakfast and went back to bed. Celia and my Aunt took Li to see something of London, and I would have liked to have joined them, but being awake most of the night left me far too tired to go out. When I awoke, I went down to the library and began reading. Torrence, the butler came in not a moment later to say that a gentleman was waiting to be seen and I thought, How does Julian always seem to catch me when I’m by myself? I walked the length of the hallway toward the drawing room, it was empty when I got there, so I stood by the window and waited.

  When Torrence came back he announced the guest.

  “Mr. Eckhardt...”

  I froze, knowing what he had come to ask me.

  I did not know how to react, and Torrence came to my rescue by asking if he should ring for tea.

  “Yes, thank you, Torrence.” After ringing the bell, he left us alone.

  “Eckhardt,” I said, and he came to me and took my hand, slowly bending to kiss it and lingering a little too long when he did. He stood several inches taller than me and had an austere look about him.

  “Tamsin,” he said and I was surprised that he used my Christian name and it made me all the more nervous. He did not look much different from when he came across Li and I in the forest that day.

  “What brings you to London?” I asked cordially as I sat and gestured for him to do the same.

  “I have come to see you, of course!” he said, genuinely surprised that I was not expecting him. There was a long and awkward pause while I waited for an explanation.

  “You are about to have your season?” He asked, but I knew he was aware that was so.

  “Yes, of course, along with Li, whom you met in the forest in Germany,” I responded questioningly. He nodded to the mention of Li.

  “Ah yes, how is your friend?” he asked, but I did not feel that he was truly interested in the answer.

  “She is well. I believe her season will be short as she already has a suitor,” I said. He nodded again, and then he moved closer to me. His hand took mine and before I realized what he was doing, an arm went around my shoulders and he kissed me hard on the lips. I wriggled free, standing up I shouted at him.

&nbs
p; “How dare you be so familiar with me!” I was turning red, my hands began to sweat. He stood and reached for my hand, I snatched it away.

  “Tamsin, we have written to one another for years, will you be so formal with me? I thought you knew what my intentions were...” He appeared to be truly shocked that I was so surprised by his actions. Apparently I had been naive in the understanding of our relationship. I looked to the door, wondering where the maid was with the tea, and longing for another person’s presence in the room. I finally understood why Aunt Emmaline never left me alone in the company of men. My silence seemed to spur him to continue.

  “Please sit, I apologize for my forwardness. You must understand that I have cared for you since that moment I saw you in that darkened hall, standing by the piano.” I softened a little, though I was still skeptical, and I sat down in the chair leaving him to sit alone.

  “I have come to ask for your hand, Tamsin. I realize that this is all very soon, you have not yet had your season. I have loved you since first I saw you. It would be a good match. You must feel something for me, you kept in contact with me for so long.” I was silent. He seemed to become upset at the quiet, and I knew that he came here expecting me to simply agree.

  “Tamsin, you understand that this is the entire reason I am here? This has been my intention, as well as your family’s for some time. I have been given consent by your Uncle to ask for your hand.”

  “It is so soon...” I began, this seemed to make him angry, and I was taken aback when he stood and walked over to where I sat. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

  “What do you think you are--” I began, but I was cut off by another kiss, hard on my lips, and in that moment I became very frightened by where this was going. I was longing for that absent tea that would be accompanied by a chaperone.

  “Are you familiar with our relationship, several generations back, of course?” He asked and my eyes must have given the answer that I did not know what he was talking about.