by Tara Brown
“Ignore her. She’ll just rub it in that we should have been here earlier, but she won’t risk being mean to me. Not until she has announced that she’s claiming my guest. Then she’ll attack. We’re safe for one night.”
I greeted everyone and made my way over to the girl I intended to see: Sarah. “Hey!”
“Hey!” She hugged me; it was more fake than normal. Cait was no doubt watching us, and Sarah knew. She was Cait’s minion when she had to be.
“How’s it going?” I smiled wide, batting my lashes.
“Awesome. Excited for the start of Fling Club. What about you?” She nudged me.
“Good. I have my guy all picked out. He’s a friend of Andy’s who’s over for the summer from Oxford.” I pointed at Ashley, even pausing to appreciate him.
“No way. Awesome. Griffin who?” She laughed.
“Exactly.” I laughed, too, like a Stepford Wife. “And Andy is the guy I brought for donation.”
“What?” Sarah’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, but isn’t he one of Cait’s exes?” She furrowed her brow, losing her cool exterior. “And your brother.”
“I know. That’s the cost of entering Ashley in the mix. And I really want him in the mix.” I said everything Ella had told me to.
“Well, shit, if your brother is in, then he’s mine!” She winked and sauntered off, heading straight for Andy to claim him. She had always had a massive thing for him.
I strolled back to Rachel, nudging her. “The bait is set. Sarah is going to pick Andy, and she now knows I want Ashley for my own. Which means that when Cait steals him, it’s actually stealing. I have a witness. Besides you.”
“I can’t believe she’s such a hateful bitch.” She sounded disgusted but managed to smile through it.
“She is.”
“Okay. What next?” She didn’t sound so sure about being here.
“Now we pick our guys.” I started scanning the room.
We ambled around, saying hello and introducing Rachel to people until Cait tapped her glass delicately, drawing the attention to herself.
When we all stopped talking she smiled wide and couldn’t have looked phonier. “Welcome to Fling Club! As everyone has finally arrived, we can get to the business at hand.” Her gaze drifted to the men all standing at the back of the grand room. “Gentlemen, you will have an hour to introduce yourselves to the ladies, show interest if you will. Then we’ll ask you to leave while we make our final decisions. Don’t forget to try and win that lady over. If you aren’t picked as a fling, you won’t be able to come to the functions this summer. Let the games begin.” She half curtseyed and sipped from her champagne.
“She’s such an attention whore,” I muttered, and turned, noticing Ashley staring at me. My insides clenched as I sighed. “I’m going to go and chat him up so it looks like he’s mine.” I wished I sounded more excited.
“Yeah, I’m coming. I don’t want to be alone here. It’s creepy.” Rachel followed as I made my way to where Andy and Ashley were eating and drinking and laughing with Sarah, like this was a fun night.
“Hi.” I couldn’t be casual if my life depended on it. Not tonight.
“Hi.” Ashley grinned, but he was still cooled off. “I guess it’s time to get into character, huh?” he whispered. “Let’s go outside to chat.” He slipped his arm into mine, overwhelming one whole side of my body with warmth from his, and led me to the deck doors. We strolled to the pool deck and gazebo like this was a romantic encounter.
I had seen him dressed up already—I’d picked dress clothes for him myself—but seeing him in action wearing them was so much better. He was beautiful in the garden lights.
Leading him away from everyone else to a dark corner of the deck near the exit to the side yard, we sat down and I leaned in, whispering. “Can we talk about this?” I asked, wishing this weren’t how things had turned out.
“Which part of this?” He sounded annoyed.
“The part where you’re suddenly treating me like the worst human being you’ve ever met?”
“Worst?” He shook his head. “I never thought that. Weakest, maybe.” He maintained the cold stare.
“Weakest?” My voice cracked as I got up. “That’s what you think of me?”
“Well, explain that list of shit to me in a way that doesn’t make you look like a spineless follower. I mean I knew it was bad, but seeing the list changes things.” He was angry, visibly so. “Do you have a string in the back I can pull to make you say all the things you’re supposed to?”
My tense stomach lurched as the verbal blow struck. Trembling, I stepped back. “You know what, we don’t have to do this. She saw you and I together. It’s good enough.”
“You’re right, I’m just the help.” He got up too. “Just like you said.”
“Have a fun summer. I hope you enjoy all of it,” I seethed, looking up at him. “That goes for the twenty grand you have no problem taking to get laid by a knockout, Mr. Upstanding Morality.”
“Are you upset? Did I actually offend you? Do you offend? Is that one of your preprogrammed emotions?”
“You’re rude. You go around acting like you hate me because you’re so much better. Well, I hate to remind you that you’re not so innocent in this game. Last time I checked, you had free will.”
“Hate you?” He followed me. “Why do you care what I think of you or what anyone thinks of you for that matter? Why can’t you be your own person and choose for yourself how you’re going to be? Why do you have to follow that stupid list and pick guys out of a lineup?”
“Because I’m stupid. I’m a selfish, pathetic girl. Isn’t that what you want to hear? I’m so bored and spoiled that I can’t help but be silly?” I spun and glared. “Don’t you see? You win. You’re right. I’m a pathetic loser who never formed her own identity or made her own decisions or had her own ideas. I let my friend, who isn’t really my friend, run my life and make me do terrible things so I wouldn’t be shunned. I dated a jerk who mistreated me because he was the right fit. That relationship wasn’t me deciding anything; I was a lemming. Are you happy?” I said everything I’d ever wanted to and burst into tears. Not sad tears, angry ones. I ran around the side of the house and headed for the car.
Realizing I didn’t have a clue which car belonged to us and I didn’t see Hans, I groaned and continued past the vehicles lining the massive driveway.
The valets appeared confused, but I kept going. I texted Ella to come and get me and kept walking, kicking my shoes off onto the side of the road and carrying on barefoot.
“Cherry!” Ashley called.
I started running again.
“Cherry! Wait!” He was gaining on me.
I would have sped up, but being barefoot made the running harder.
“Wait!” he demanded, gaining on me enough to grab my arm and spin me. “Wait!” He was huffing the same way I was. “What are you doing?”
“Go away. I don’t need your judgment. You think I don’t feel stupid enough already? You think I don’t see what a moron I am? Thank you for so kindly pointing out all the things I’m doing wrong.” I backed away from him. “Go back to the party and claim your prize so you can dance for my brother the way I do for Cait.” I waved him off and spun around again, breaking into another run.
“For God’s sake, can you please stop running?” He grabbed me again, spinning me yet again, hurting my feet. “I’m not judging you. I mean I am, but not the way you think.” He stepped closer. “I like you. A lot. I like the you I think you are. The you at the Weinbergs’ who plays chess and makes strong drinks and laughs until two in the morning.”
“Leave me alone.” I moved back, but he stepped closer, closing the distance between us and pulling me into him.
“No.” He held me tight. “I won’t leave you alone. I don’t want to. I want you to see the potential I see. Yes, you’re spoiled and bored and lacking motivation, but that doesn’t make you silly or stupid or pathetic. It makes you young and confused
and lost. It means you’re unsure of yourself. All your life you’ve clearly had the wrong people influencing you.” He brushed my tears away from my eyes and stared deeply into them. “And I want to be someone who helps you correct those things.”
“Why?” I tried to pull back, but he held me too tight. “You don’t even know me.”
“Because I think you’re amazing. And you’re wrong; I do know you. The last two weeks have been the weirdest time in my life. But getting to know you has been the best part. You’re funny and sweet and easygoing. You’re a worrywart and obsessed with dessert even if you pretend you only eat keto. More than dessert, you’re obsessed with everyone else’s opinion, when the only opinion you should consider is your own.” He lit up as he spoke. “And maybe mine.”
“I don’t like your opinion of me.” I blinked another tear down my cheek.
“You don’t know my opinion of you. From the moment I met you, I thought about you. Watching you stare at that bun like it was going to be your last meal was hilarious. A girl after my own heart, I thought. A girl who eats whatever she wants and does whatever she wants. But then I saw you at your town house, and I realized the girl I saw was stifled by the world of the rich. This you, this one here on this stupid fucking shore, is fake. It’s an act. This isn’t you. That girl contemplating eating both those pastries: that was you. The girl who got mad that I skinny-shamed her: that was you. You were funny and sarcastic, until you got home with your mom, and you’ve hardly shown your face.”
“Why would I, when all you’ve done is act like you’re disgusted with me?” I pushed him away.
“If you saw I was part of a secret group of guys who misused women and treated them like property, how would you feel? Assuming you have feelings for me the way I do for you? How would you feel?”
“I—” I paused, stuck on what to say after his confession. He liked me.
“It’s terrible to play games like this, Cherry. The girl who invented this club is clearly a selfish and damaged person. She’s so obviously jaded. Why would you want to be like that? Why would you ever let that girl determine who you are?”
“I don’t know.” It wasn’t a lie. I just didn’t have an answer. And I didn’t need one.
Headlights saved me.
My sister was speeding down the road to me. Her headlights flashed on us as she slowed.
“That’s my ride,” I said, trying to mask the emotion in my voice.
“You’re leaving? What about selection?” His eyes widened.
“I can’t do this. You’re right. The girl I am here is fake, and I don’t think I can put on an act anymore.” I pulled away from him and hurried to the car, then climbed in. “Good luck with Cait!” I said, before slamming the door.
“Do I dare guess what just happened?” Ella muttered.
“No. Drive, please.” I lowered my head, unable to meet his gaze as I left him in the middle of the road, in the middle of a conversation, possibly in the middle of him confessing feelings.
I didn’t know how to take any of it.
I should have been angry but my rational mind whispered that his worst crime was seeing through my bullshit and my phony-ass act.
He called me out on it.
He scolded me like he knew me, and I wanted to say he didn’t, he couldn’t. But it felt like maybe he did.
He was real, but a type of realness I didn’t know how to react to.
“Are you being a weirdo again?”
“What?” I turned, offended, not just by her, but in general. “No.” That might have been a lie. I didn’t even know myself anymore.
“You are!” She glared back. “You’re doing that thing where you flip out in your head and don’t know what to do, and don’t tell anyone what you’re thinking or feeling. And it makes you look nuts. Your eyes are darting around the car, and you’re sweating. You look like the bomb is about to go off any second and you’re bracing because you planted it.”
“I literally feel like that,” I admitted, defeated. “It feels like I’m waiting for the attack, always. Waiting for the bottom to drop out.”
“You have anxiety, Cherry. You always have. For whatever reason, being on your own, making your own choices, stresses you out. Like Griffin. You can’t tell me you loved him, that you loved that he was everything and you were on his arm, taken care of. And now that guy back there, Ashley; he seems into you, but you can’t see that because he would give you too much latitude to be yourself. And God forbid you tried to find out who you really are.”
“I can’t do this right now. That’s not it. Just stop.”
“Why?” She laughed at me. “Am I triggering your sensitivities? Is this traumatizing you? You need to stop and take a whiff of the reality in the air and harden up a little. You’re not Mom. You’re not Dad. You don’t have to be like anyone else. You can just be you.”
“I don’t know me! Okay! I don’t know who I am or what I want! Fuck!” I screamed, pounding a hand on the dashboard.
“Well, hello, sister. Look who just woke up from her dream state.” Ella grinned. “Did the computer running your system finally short-circuit?”
“Fuck you, Ella!” I jumped out of the car as she stopped for a stop sign and ran away from her.
But Ella wasn’t Ashley. She didn’t follow me. She just shouted, “Get lost, Cherry. It’ll do you some good to have to solve something on your own!”
I hated her.
I hated everyone.
My feet ached as I slowed to a march and then a stroll, defeated. Eventually I ended up sitting at a bench in a neighborhood where the yards were smaller, staring at the concrete because I couldn’t take another step.
It was too early for a midlife crisis and too late for a temper tantrum. So, what the hell was going on with me?
The bench wasn’t comfy, and the air wasn’t warm anymore, but I started to relax, staring up at the sky.
His words drowned out everything else.
He was so right.
I was faking it here.
This wasn’t me.
I contemplated who I was at all my different houses.
At school I was fun and yet controlled. I ate a certain way and acted a certain way. I didn’t gossip about other people, and I sure as hell kept my own name out of the rumor mill.
At the beach house, I was a fun party girl, but still controlled. I ate a certain way, and while I partied, I never rocked the boat or caused any waves. I was fun, but never too fun.
At home in the city I was a little freer, lost in the crowds.
I ate what I wanted.
I did what I wanted; no one was looking.
I realized that was it.
No one was watching me in New York.
And even better, at the Weinbergs’ house, I was relaxed. There had been no expectations.
My mind blanked, and I tried to find the moment it went wrong. Where I went wrong. But if I was being honest, my life from the start, the very beginning, had been off course.
Even worse than Ashley being right, Ella was right too.
I hated that.
But she was.
I didn’t like making choices or having to be alone.
Even now, here in the middle of the road, I felt the need to find a herd to belong to.
Me being alone made me vulnerable and unsafe.
But the truth of the matter was that where I was sitting couldn’t have been safer. It was a patrolled neighborhood with guards and police and security like nowhere else in the world. I might as well have been in a gated community.
The lack of safety was inside of me.
The lack of decision-making skills was where the fear came from.
I couldn’t be trusted to protect myself.
What the fuck was that?
Why did I feel that way?
I needed to see my shrink again.
Overanalyzing and tracing my insane behavior back to my mother in a Freudian way made my eyes heavy.
My head t
ilted to the side, jerking back upright every time it felt like maybe I was losing the war on staying awake.
I blinked rapidly until the blinks grew longer and longer, and then grew too long.
I wasn’t sure if I dreamed or if I just lay there, sort of sleeping like a homeless person in an area that had no homeless people. Unless you counted metaphorical homelessness as a state of desperation, and in that case, I was definitely in need of assistance.
Chapter Twenty-Three
THE SELECTION
Ashley
Frustrated with the girl driving away and desperately contemplating running after her, I found my train of thought interrupted by Andy shouting.
“Ashley!” he called out.
“Yeah?” I spun, feeling dragged in two directions. One meant I got to see my dad and could afford to spend whatever was left of the summer with him. The other meant I could take care of my heart.
“Selection is starting in, like, fifteen minutes. We have to put in one more appearance. Where the fuck is Cherry?”
“Gone.” I sighed, defeated.
“Gone where?” Andy scowled as he got closer.
“She’s done, mate. She’s not cut out for this kind of thing. She’s a mess. Ella just picked her up. She’s on a tear.”
“Oh, great. She chooses this moment to lose her fucking mind and come out of the Stepford coma? Really?” He grunted and started walking back. “Well, the plan still works if you and I go back. We’ll tell Cait that Cherry wasn’t feeling well.”
I followed him back to the party, past the drivers and valets who were gathered, laughing and smoking in a circle. I almost wished I were headed toward them and not the lion’s den that was Cait’s house.
Rachel was glaring at us both from the opposite wall when we got back. Two guys were talking to her. She excused herself and hurried over. “Where is Cherry?”
“She’s gone AWOL,” Andy said in a hushed tone.
“Great, what do we do?”
“You go tell Cait she’s had to leave, that she’s very sick. Cherry will have to make her selection tomorrow.”
“And that will give Cait a better reason for grabbing me.” I shuddered. The blonde was gorgeous, no denying it. But she had the craziest eyes I’d ever seen. She was downright awful. And her skin-deep beauty was showing. Not my kind of girl. In fact, I was half tempted to walk and not take the money. I could finish school a little slower and work a couple of jobs. I could delay working for NASA. I could do all sorts of things. And every ounce of my being screamed for me to leave and go find that crazy redhead and kiss her until she understood what I felt for her.
