Rosie Meadows Regrets...

by Catherine Alliott

  I pushed open the back door into the kitchen, all prepared to scoop up a running two-year-old and smother him in kisses. But as I went in, I stopped. Stared. Because a rather different tableau greeted me. For there in the kitchen, presiding over the most immaculate but sterile nursery tea complete with wholemeal sandwiches, grated carrot, vegetarian sausages and celery sticks, as yet untouched by any children, was not Martha with Ivo, but Annabel.

  ‘Rosie!’ she purred, hurriedly stubbing a cigarette out and chucking a copy of Hello! in the bin. ‘What marvellous news! May I be the first to offer you my warmest congratulations?’ She smiled, flashing her perfect teeth.

  ‘Annabel! I – thought you were still in Europe.’

  ‘Well, I flew back this morning. There didn’t seem much point in stopping over if Joss wasn’t there, and it’s only a few hours away, you know.’ She smiled. ‘I know people round here think twice about driving to the next village, but I’ve been travelling round the world all my life. It’s absolutely nothing for me to hop on a plane and come home.’

  Well bully for you, I thought bleakly. I sank down exhausted in the wheelback chair by the Aga, then automatically sat up, wondering if that was presumptuous. Perhaps I should ask to be seated or something while her cosmopolitan highness was still standing. But no, she didn’t look too put out and, good grief, she was still smiling at me. She came across and hovered over me.

  ‘You must be real tired, Rosie,’ she said in concern. ‘I mean, emotionally. Pretty much drained by all this, I imagine. Cup of tea?’

  ‘Um, please. Yes, I am rather tired.’ God, she was being suspiciously nice.

  ‘But glad it’s all over?’ She bustled over to the kettle.

  ‘Well, relieved, yes. Where’s Ivo?’ I looked around.

  ‘With Martha, outside on the swing, and Joss is fetching the kids from school.’ She put the kettle down. Turned. ‘So I guess this is probably quite a good time.’

  Suddenly I smelled danger. ‘Good time for what?’

  She came over, perched her pert little backside daintily on the edge of the table and clasped her manicured hands. She smiled. ‘Rosie, I think it’s about time we had a little chat, don’t you?’

  I caught on her pseudo-sweet voice like Velcro. She was looking particularly drop-dead gorgeous today, I noticed, in bright red jeans and a tiny white T-shirt that hovered somewhere around her navel. Blimey, it was no wonder the central heating blared in this house if she insisted on showing off her brown tummy in January. I considered standing up for this little exchange but then thought better of it. I always felt like the Incredible Hulk when I lumbered around next to her.

  ‘Oh yes?’ I inquired brightly.

  ‘Well I’m sorry, Rosie, but I’m afraid there are going to have to be some changes round here.’ She glanced down at her nail varnish, then back to me. ‘You see, unfortunately I’m going to have to ask you to go.’

  ‘Go where?’ I said stupidly.

  ‘Elsewhere, I’m afraid. Find somewhere else to live.’

  ‘Oh! You mean, you’re evicting me?’

  She smiled. ‘I hardly think eviction is the word when you’ve been living in our cottage practically rent free, do you? I’m aware that Joss lets you have it for a fraction of the price, but we’re not running a charity here you know, and the thing is, I’ve got the opportunity to get a proper rent for it now. Some friends of mine rang, they’re Buddhists as a matter of fact, I met them through the ashram and right now they live in Islington, but they’re dying to get out to the country and be true eco-warriors. They’re lovely, warm, caring people and I can’t wait to have them on my doorstep, but they must have vacant possession within twenty-four hours or the deal’s off.’

  I gulped. Crikey. How warm and caring.

  ‘And frankly we need the money, Rosie. Now that we’re both travelling so much I’ve insisted we take on a proper, trained nanny. Joss is adamant we keep Martha, but he agrees she needs some back-up, and let me tell you, honey, back-up in the form of one of those uniformed girls doesn’t come cheap.’ She gazed around at the shabby kitchen. ‘So there’s that, and then of course we have to find the money to do this place up …’

  ‘Oh! You mean, Joss wants to –’

  ‘It’s time, Rosie,’ she said portentously. ‘He’s ready now you see. He’s had a block about it before, and understandably, but he’s had his space and now he’s cool.’ She fixed me with her deep liquid gaze. ‘I gave him that space, Rosie, see? I knew he needed it, but he’s ready to turn all that negative energy into something more positive.’ She sighed contentedly and crossed her slim, red-jeaned legs. ‘Yep, Joss and I had a long, long talk on the telephone yesterday.’ She paused, considering. ‘I wouldn’t say he’s needy exactly, but he wants me to be there for him more, you know? Wants me around more. He also said it’s high time we had a baby of our own.’ She grinned. ‘You know what Joss is like, he’s like – Annabel, it’s high time we had a baby! Well aye aye sir!’ She laughed. ‘He’s right though, and funnily enough I’ve felt these real strong primitive urges in my own body lately, and of course motherhood’s very fashionable now. Frankly, the days of the working woman thinking she can have everything are over.’

  ‘Really,’ I muttered drily. I couldn’t help wondering what would happen to the child when motherhood became unfashionable again. Personally I’d give her about two weeks. ‘And – and Joss?’ I managed. ‘I mean,’ I cleared my throat, ‘he wants me to go?’

  ‘Why, yes of course he does, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing here telling you all this, would I?’ She gave a tinkly laugh. ‘He asked me to tell you, actually, left me to do his dirty work, I guess.’ She gave me a wry, conspiratorial, look. ‘You know what men are like, Rosie, and Joss is the world’s worst, can’t bear to upset anyone. He’s a bit of a coward in that respect, so he slipped out with Toby to get the girls from school instead. I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes them to the park or something totally out of character, just to make sure he’s out of the house long enough for me to get this little interview over and done with!’ She laughed, but as it died away, she sighed. Pursed her lips. ‘You see, the point is, Rosie, he finds it all a bit embarrassing. I didn’t want to mention this before, but it appears you’ve made something of a fool of yourself one way and another. Am I right?’

  I felt a blush unfurl from my feet. ‘What d’you mean?’ I breathed.

  ‘I think you know,’ she said gently.

  I gazed at her. Couldn’t speak.

  She helped me out. ‘Mooning around after him? Making a bit of a play for him? Cooking him scrumptious candlelit suppers on New Year’s Eve, making goo-goo eyes – that type of thing. You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you, Rosie?’

  I went about the colour of her jeans and felt about the size of her T-shirt.

  ‘Oh, it’s okay,’ she went on with a chuckle, ‘don’t look so chastened, it’s not that heinous a crime. After all, he’s a very attractive guy and you’re, well, you’re alone.’ She smiled kindly. ‘And obviously quite desperate, especially with a little kid in tow. It’s only natural for you to have a crush on him.’

  ‘I am not desperate!’ I spluttered.

  ‘And it’s certainly not the first time it’s happened either,’ she swept on. ‘God, if I had a dollar for every girl who’s ever fallen for Joss I’d be a very rich woman indeed!’ She sighed. ‘And you know I blame myself in a way. I can see now how it happens. Because I’m away so much he probably seems like the vulnerable, abandoned artist, beavering away in his studio night after night without the love of a good woman to inspire him, but I can assure you that’s not the case. Shall I tell you something, Rosie?’ Her brown eyes suddenly trained on me like headlamps. ‘We make love every single night. Even on the telephone.’

  I gazed at her. She seemed to demand a response. ‘Really,’ I gulped eventually.

  ‘Oh yes, we’re at it for hours, and sometimes it gets so passionate I have to put the phone down and call him back. An
d then when we see each other – boy!’ She threw back her head ecstatically. ‘There’s just no stopping us. We’re at each other like a couple of tigers, ripping each other’s clothes off – we can’t control ourselves. We’ve just done it, as a matter of fact. Right there on that chair you’re sitting on.’

  I shot up like a rocket. ‘Christ!’

  She smiled fondly at the space my bottom had just vacated. ‘He’s never been able to resist that chair. It’s one of our very special places. It rocks a bit you see, gathers a momentum all of its own …’ She coiled a strand of hair dreamily round her finger, staring into space. ‘Daddy bear’s chair …’ she murmured. Suddenly she snapped to. ‘But the point is, Rosie, three’s going to be rather a crowd, isn’t it? You do see that don’t you? We simply can’t have you mooning around us in a lovesick manner, it’s just too embarrassing. I’ll give you back your deposit of course …’ She delved into her handbag for her chequebook and as she did, a Mars Bar wrapper fell on the floor. She snatched it up quickly and began writing. ‘… here we go, it’s not much, but my goodness you’re going to need every penny you can get now that the pub’s sacked you, aren’t you?’ She glanced up, pen poised over her signature. Bit her lip. ‘You know, Rosie, I hate to sound disloyal but I did kinda sympathize a bit with Bob over that. That whole ghastly business with your husband shook Joss and me rigid and I have to say we were never entirely happy about you being around the kids so much. Not that we thought you’d actually spike the fish fingers or anything crass, but as Joss said, there’s no smoke without – Rosie!’ She broke off as I exited smartly by the back door. I ran down the lawn into the garden leaving it wide open.

  ‘Rosie, you forgot your cheque!’ She waved it after me.

  ‘Keep it!’ I yelled back in a strangled voice.

  ‘Oh don’t be silly, there’s no need to go off in a huff! You might be glad of it a bit later when you haven’t got a job and –’

  ‘– And I’m desperate?’ I swung round, tears stinging my eyes. ‘Keep it,’ I yelled. ‘Keep your sodding money, I’ll never be that desperate, I don’t want any of it!’

  Her eyes hardened. ‘Ah. I see. It was just my husband and my kids you were after then, was it?’ She glared at me for a moment, then slammed the door.

  I turned and ran on, stumbling round the garden to the swing at the back where Martha was pushing Ivo. He jumped off and ran to me when he saw me. I swept him up in my arms, burying my face in his cold pink cheek and blond curls. Martha hurried towards me.

  ‘Rosie! I’m that chuffed for you, really I am! I knew all along you didn’t bloody do it but – hey, what’s up?’ Her smile dropped when she saw my face.

  ‘Nothing,’ I muttered, kissing Ivo’s forehead fiercely and blinking hard. ‘Nothing. Um, look, Martha, I’ll ring and explain, but I can’t talk now. I’ll be at my parents’ and – well I’ll ring you later, I promise.’

  Choking back sobs, I turned and ran with Ivo down the hill to the cottage. Shakily, and almost in a dream, I dashed in and out and loaded the back of the car with as much stuff as I could manage, and then when the boot was full to bursting, slammed it shut and belted Ivo in. As we lurched back up the hill again I could hardly see for tears, but was aware that Martha was standing at the back door, her dark spiky hair standing to attention, gaping after me as I sped past. As I flew towards the gates I heard a familiar crunch coming the other way and knew that I was about to pass Joss. I swerved off the gravel on to the grass, put my foot down and shot past, just catching sight of Lucy and Emma’s astonished faces in the back. I clutched my mouth in anguish. Oh God, I’d miss those children, more than I cared to think about. I’d miss him, but I’d miss them too, and I hadn’t even said goodbye!

  Perhaps it was better that way, I thought a few minutes later, calming down a bit as I drove along the lanes to my parents’ house. Less embarrassing for Joss and much less emotionally upsetting for the children. Crikey, what must he think of me though, throwing myself at him like that? Perhaps in the long run it was better that Annabel had told me, otherwise I could have gone on making a prat of myself indefinitely. Oh yes, it was entirely possible that given time I could have gone the whole hog, prostrated myself ready and waiting in the boy-next-door’s bed perhaps, clad in a minimal amount of black lace and waving a champagne bottle, making ‘goo-goo eyes’. I shuddered, hoping to goodness that had been her expression and not his.

  As I came to a halt in my parents’ drive I noticed Philly’s car was there. A second later the front door flew open and down the steps came the pair of them, my mother and my sister, running out to meet me, clearly having heard the good news. Mummy was waving both hands wildly in the air, tottering dangerously in high heels, and Philly, arms outstretched, was beaming widely, benevolent as ever. I got out wearily and fell into their arms.

  ‘Oh, my baby!’ sobbed Mummy. ‘I’ve just put the phone down to Alice, she rang to tell us and – oh thank God! After all you’ve been through!’

  ‘Well, it’s all over now,’ I said soothingly. I raised my head from her shoulder and found my sister’s face. ‘Philly, I’m so sorry,’ I whispered. ‘What must you think of me?’ My eyes ached with strain but hers were warm and kind.

  ‘What I always think, that you’re my sister and I love you. I don’t blame you for thinking what you did, Rosie. I had a word with Alice and she told me what she’d done and why. I can’t say I really blame her either.’

  Our eyes met in understanding.

  ‘What?’ demanded Mummy, swooping like a hawk. ‘What has Alice done and why, what?’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Philly. ‘It doesn’t matter now, it’s all forgotten. Come on, let’s go inside.’ She kept her arm round me and squeezed my shoulder. ‘Rosie, I’m so happy for you,’ she whispered.

  ‘Me too.’ I swallowed. ‘If only –’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Oh, nothing. I’m just tired that’s all.’ I opened the back door and got Ivo out of his seat. ‘Mum, I’ve sort of lost my cottage. Joss and Annabel have taken on some new tenants with a bit more money. Is it all right if Ivo and I stay here for a bit?’

  ‘Of course you can, my darling, stay for ever!’

  ‘Er, well we’ll see,’ I said nervously. ‘Where’s Dad?’ I looked around.

  ‘Oh! Her hand shot to her mouth. ‘Lord, I forgot to tell your father! He’s still in the shed!’

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Oh Gordon, Gordon, I’m coming!’ She ran off round the house and then down the back garden, flapping her hanky in distress. ‘Gordon, Lizzie’s coming!’

  Philly and I watched her go for a moment, then went inside. Ivo pottered off and we sank down in opposite sofas on either side of the fire in the sitting room. I rested my head back. ‘Well, I’m glad that’s all over.’

  ‘So am I,’ she said with feeling.

  I raised my head and looked at her. ‘Thanks, Philly. You’ve been an absolute brick throughout all of this and I’ve been a selfish, ungrateful cow.’

  ‘No, you haven’t. No one can blame you for thinking what you did, Alice saw to that. The awful thing was, though,’ she mused, ‘that I really thought it was you who’d put those books there. Couldn’t believe my ears when you came and told me about them in my kitchen. I thought, blimey, here she is, my own sister, my own flesh and blood, sneaking around and implicating me to get herself off the hook. Just to save her own precious hide.’ She smiled wryly. ‘So you see, we both believed the worst of each other. Both thought the other was capable of treachery.’

  I shivered. ‘Don’t remind me. God, just think how horribly it could all have ended.’

  ‘Except that it hasn’t,’ she said firmly. She got up and walked to the window, arms folded. Then she turned and smiled. ‘And you know, the funny thing is, Rosie, that believe it or not, something amazingly good has come out of all this.’

  I glanced over at her. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes bright. Really? I thought wearily. Well, why the devil can’t some of i
t filter down to my neck of the woods then? I frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘Well after I left you in the kitchen this morning and came here to be with Mum, Miles came home and couldn’t find me. He rang and discovered I was here, so he came across. We’ve had a long talk, Rosie. We’ve been upstairs in Mum’s bedroom for ages actually, thrashing things out. He’s just gone, had to get the children from school.’

  ‘Oh? And?’

  ‘And I told him everything.’

  I gaped. ‘What – about Michael?’

  She blushed. ‘Well, actually he already knew. It didn’t come as a surprise to him at all. In fact,’ she bit her lip, ‘if I’m honest, I knew that he knew all along. Even while it was happening.’

  I stared. ‘You mean he knew and he didn’t say anything?’

  ‘No, he didn’t, and that’s what spurred me on,’ she said urgently, coming back and sitting down. ‘Kept me seeing Michael! I kept thinking, oh, for God’s sake, Miles, be a man, fight for me or something, but he didn’t. Wouldn’t. He just sat back and took my lies, week after week, let Michael whisk me off to hotels and secluded cottages right from under his nose.’

  ‘Good grief. Why?’

  She shrugged. ‘He wanted it to run its course he says. He knew it was an aberration and I’d come out at the other end, and he said he didn’t want to confront me and risk losing me.’

  ‘Blimey. He loves you all right.’

  ‘I know,’ she said ruefully. ‘And now that it’s over, now that I can’t even bear Michael’s name to be mentioned any more, I know he was right to do that. I love him too, you see, Rosie, but the thing is, I do need more. We talked about that upstairs and we both recognize it. It’s not enough for me to be stuck at home, the farmer’s wife, the mother, the gardener, I’ll always want something more stimulating at the end of the day, and because I was so angry and bitter it resulted in a fling. But not any more. I know what’s right for me now, and adultery it certainly ain’t, but I can’t do this homebody bit any more. I’m going back to work.’