by Ben White
By the way, I have to once again state how amazingly amazing C2 is. You know how I put how it was a bad day today? And how my mood is 'black'? It's because I had an argument with her. It was about Ray, as you might have guessed. She doesn't exactly oppose me going out with him but it gets annoying the way she keeps asking questions about everything—like she's checking on me, like I can't take care of myself. Of course I appreciate her concern but I'm my own person and I can make my own choices, I don't need her looking over my shoulder at everything.
Anyway, the argument ended with me storming off and I didn't apologise until I called her up just now, but she accepted it straight away and then was instantly ready to hear all my problems and resolve them for me. She's great. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to show her how much she means to me, but I'm sure I'll think of something eventually.
Oops, it's getting late. I have to get ready for tonight. Yes, it's a date with Ray, why shouldn't I enjoy myself? It's not like there's anything wrong with seeing him. Right?
xx48.11.27 / 13:02 / Sunday
I forgot about these 'no-energy weekends'. Even before my date with Ray was over I was feeling wiped out. He got a little bit weird about it when I excused myself early, he said he had some plans and would it kill me just to stick around a bit longer? But I really was so tired, I barely kicked my shoes off before I collapsed on to my bed and slept until Saturday afternoon. I managed to stay awake long enough to make some proper food and call C2 back (she left a message on Opal checking on me), and put the bar across my door (I was too tired to do it Friday night), then I slept again until now. I'm still really sleepy so I think I'll just give in, but I wanted to write this now. See you tomorrow.
xx48.11.28 / 07:45 / Monday
Feeling good today! There was a message from C2 and another from Ray when I woke up, both of them want to see me after school. I'm so popular! I'm going to meet Ray first right after class, then C2 and I are going to have afternoon tea here in my apartment. She's bringing the tea and biscuits, I just have to provide the kettle and teacups. I bought some nice ones when I was out with Ray last week, it'll be fun to use them.
Time to get ready for school!
xx48.11.28 / 12:54 / Still Monday
Mood of the student body: 'bright'. My mood: also 'bright'. When it makes me feel this good and energetic and positive, I'm almost happy about this whole mood control situation—of course I still have to investigate it, but I might as well enjoy the benefits, right?
Pretty usual morning, interesting discussion in Literature about free will versus determination, kind of appropriate considering the whole mood control thing. Most of the students took the position that free will was an illusion, that choices aren't really choices because everything has to start somewhere. At least I think that's what they were saying. It was one of those discussions where all the points got muddled and at the end nothing was really resolved, but it was fun anyway.
Interesting encounter with Veronica, too. I'm starting to think that she might not be a part of this thing, I mean maybe she's being 'controlled' too rather than being a 'controller'. She was really bright and chirpy and nice and friendly, she even asked about me and Ray in a totally unjealous way, she said it was nice that the two 'new kids' were getting along so well and that we must be good for each other, although she also warned me not to just focus on one person. I really got what she meant, it'd be easy to just ignore everyone else, but I told her that I actually already had another friend. She was surprised but seemed happy, although she didn't know who C2 was. I guess she's not that noticeable, she does try to be discrete, but at the same time she's pretty distinct. Now that I think about it, it's kind of weird that Veronica doesn't remember her. Maybe part of the control thing? It'd be weird if the reason Veronica was so horrible to me to begin with is because she was FORCED to. Maybe she really WAS nice to me that second day, maybe that was the real her and the horrible Veronica Flux was the result of sinister manipulation! That'd be terrible! Okay, for her sake as much as anything, I've got to get to the bottom of this!
First, though, afternoon class. It's maths with Ray so I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'll write more later!
xx48.11.28 / 17:23 / Still Monday
I am awful. I'm the worst. I'm the worst most awful friend ever. Yes, maybe you won't believe this, but I stood C2 up again. Do you know why I'm MOST awful? It's because I do something and I feel bad about it and I apologise and then I do the exact same thing again. Making a mistake is forgiveable. But then making the same mistake again? Totally UNforgivable. The worst part is that she always, ALWAYS forgives me. Maybe it's partially her fault—I'm not saying that to try to spread some of the blame on to her ... although I guess I am, actually. She just makes it so easy, I know she'll forgive me so I just ... just get 'weak'. And I had a good reason to stand her up! Kind of. Ray had this thing planned, it's silly really, I don't want to write about it, but it was kind of fun and thrilling and a little bit romantic. By the time I got back to my apartment it was already past four and C2 had gone home. That's part of how awful I'm getting, she only waited ten minutes for me then assumed (correctly!) that I was standing her up, and she very sensibly took the bus back to her house. We could avoid this kind of thing if she'd just get a phone or an Opal, but she's really stubborn about that for some reason.
Anyway. I've got to get ready, Ray's taking me out again, he's doing that special thing he was going to do on Friday—he postponed it, can you believe how sweet he is? I bought a special dress today, it's all green and sparkly and pretty, and it kind of hides (or at least distracts from) my lack-of-breasts. I hope he likes it.
xx48.11.28 / 22:36 / Still Monday
I'm not sure what to write here. I think I may be in some kind of shock. My hands keep trembling and I can't make them stop. Maybe I should have a cup of tea.
...
That didn't help at all, I spilled hot water on my hands. Boiling water, actually. Luckily I didn't get burnt, but that's the only good thing that's happened tonight.
Ray tried to ... well. To do things with me. Maybe I should write out the whole thing. I don't particularly want to relive it, but I'm too agitated to sleep and my heart's still beating too fast, and I feel sick and wobbly and kind of empty. Writing it down might help. If it doesn't I can always delete it.
Things started okay. We went to dinner at 'our' place, it's an outdoor restaurant near a small lake, they light lanterns at night, it's very pretty. Even from the start Ray was a bit strange, but I didn't think anything of it. He told me I was pretty a lot, even more than usual, although he didn't say anything about my new dress. Then after we finished eating we went for a walk along the lake and sat down on a bench and looked at the lanterns. He held my hand, which was okay, although after a while it gets kind of sweaty.
"You're really pretty, you know that Fumbles?" he said. He still calls me Fumbles but I thought it was cute. Like a cute nickname. When he said it I didn't mind. Not then, anyway.
In response I giggled. I did that a lot, when I was with him. Giggled. Not any more.
"I guess I tell you that too often," he said.
"I don't mind," I said. "You can tell me I'm pretty as many times as you like."
I think I'll skip the rest of my embarrassing chat with him. Let's go to the part where things went wrong.
"I know I'm not meant to do this," he said, "but you're too pretty."
"What do you mean?" I asked, but he was already putting his hand on my leg. I pushed it off, but he put it back.
"This isn't wrong," he said, but that wasn't the point, I didn't want him to touch me there so he shouldn't touch me there. I pushed his hand away again, but he put it back again, so I told him:
"I don't like that, stop it."
He did stop it, but instead he tried to touch my breasts. I REALLY didn't want that, so I told him again, "Stop it. Don't do that". He didn't listen, so I tried to stand up and get away, but he grabbed my arm. I pulled it away but he's g
ot really big hands and he's strong, so I said, again, "Stop".
"I thought you liked me," he said.
"I don't like this," I said. "Let go of me."
He didn't. He just kept looking up at me. I looked back at him, then I pulled my arm away really hard. Since I was standing and he was sitting, and since it turns out I'm actually pretty strong even without my powers, I managed to get free of his grip.
"Come on," he said, as I stepped back. "I just want to have some fun with you."
"I WAS having fun with you," I said. "But this isn't fun for me."
Then I ran away, I didn't even want to be near him. I don't ever want to see him again, I feel so ... so hurt and dirty and betrayed, I thought he was nice, I thought he was good! He seemed really, I don't know, wholesome or something, like the kind of boy ... I don't know. I don't know anything, that's the big lesson I'm learning every day I'm out here in the real world, I don't know anything and anything I did know was wrong and I'm stupid and I'm blind and I was scared, I was really scared when he held on to my arm and I didn't think I could get away, I didn't know what he was going to do, and if the situation had been different then maybe I wouldn't have been able to get away, maybe he could've done something, maybe I wouldn't even be here safe in my room with the door very definitely barred writing this.
I want my family. I want C2. It's too late to call her, though. And I can't call my family.
This is the most alone I've ever felt.
xx48.11.29 / 04:12 / Tuesday
Can't sleep. It feels like my heart is still beating too fast, and I keep thinking I hear something outside. I've never been scared before. It's horrible. It's worse than getting hurt. Maybe I'll have another shower. That might help calm me down a little, anyway.
xx48.11.29 / 06:01 / Still Tuesday
Is it still too early to call C2? After six should be okay, right? But they're probably all still sleeping. I don't want to wake them up. I should wait a little longer. Maybe half past six would be acceptable. I hope so.
xx48.11.29 / 13:42 / Still Tuesday
I didn't make it to six-thirty before I called C2. I didn't even make it to ten past six. But I'm really glad I called her.
"Hello?" It was her father who answered.
"Hello, Mr Crescent," I said. "This is Charlotte Powers. Is your daughter awake?"
"Charlotte. Are you all right?"
I guess my voice must have been a bit shaky.
"I'm. I'm. Could I please talk to C2? To Charlotte?"
"I'll get her, just hold on."
So he went and he woke C2 up. By the time she said "Hello?" very sleepily into the phone I couldn't hold it in any longer and I just started sobbing. It took about five minutes before I could even talk properly. I could tell she was confused, but I could hear her father in the background saying something to her, maybe he was explaining that there was something wrong, but I think even C2 would've figured that out on her own.
"Charlotte," she said, after I'd managed to calm down a bit. "What's wrong?"
"I just need you to tell me everything's going to be okay," I blubbed. There was a pause, then she said exactly that to me:
"Charlotte, everything's going to be okay."
And then I started sobbing again. After that it was just basically me blubbing into the phone and C2 doing her very best, oh she's just so sweet I know it must've been so hard for her to even understand what was going on, but she was so good, she just kept telling me it was okay and it was going to be all right, and then I jumped, really jumped because there was a knock at my door, but then I heard Mr Crescent outside calling, he was saying "Don't get a fright, it's just Mr Crescent", and it must have taken me five minutes just to get the bar off the door and to unlatch it, then I kind of just collapsed into him and he took me down to his car and he drove me back to their house, and C2's mother had made pancakes and hot chocolate with marshmallows, she gave me a big hug when I went in and her gown was so soft, and C2 was in her pajamas, they have little robots on them, little red robots floating in a soft blue sky, and she hugged me too, I don't think she really knows how to hug but she tried, for me she tried, and then they all sat me down and we had pancakes and hot chocolate and Mrs Crescent chatted away at me until I stopped sniffing and hiccuping and Mr Crescent gave me a big brown dressing gown to wear because I was shivering, I wasn't cold but somehow it helped, and C2 just being there was enough.
I must've fallen asleep, because I woke up in C2's bed. She was at school, her mother told me. Her father had to go to work, too. Neither of them wanted to leave me. Guess what happened then? Yep, I started crying again.
Eventually, though, I got a hold of myself, and I ate some of the meatloaf Mrs Crescent had made especially for me, she remembered how much I liked it when I came for dinner that one time, and after that I felt a bit better. Just a bit. Sometimes 'just a bit' is enough, though.
Now I'm sitting in their tiny little friendly living room, writing this with shaky hands while Mrs Crescent puts the washing out. She once washed my uniform for me. Just now she looked in at me and smiled and said, "That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing".
That set me off crying again. But they're halfway good tears.
xx48.11.29 / 16:57 / Still Tuesday
I'm still at the Crescents' house. I felt a little bit better after writing that last entry, getting everything out, so I've been helping Mrs Crescent with the household chores. At home we never had to do much, we've got Botler and a lot of automated systems, it's amazing how much work goes into running a household without those things, though. We put on another load of washing and brought the last load in, then we folded and put away, then she washed and I dried the dishes, then there was vacuuming which is actually pretty fun and satisfying, come to think of it the floor of my apartment is getting a bit gritty, maybe I should get a vacuum cleaner. If I do, I'm getting one just like the Crescents', it's shiny and purple and small and light and it makes this 'vhirrrr!' noise when you push it across the floor.
Then C2 came home with her dad, he picked her up from school, and they brought ice cream for everyone. Mrs Crescent and I were preparing dinner together (roast beef!) but we stopped and went outside to their tiny little back garden and all sat on a bench and had ice cream together.
I think that was one of the best moments of my whole life.
I'm staying here tonight. I don't want to go back to my little apartment and be alone. I still feel a little bit shaky. C2 said Veronica asked about me at self-improvement—I mean she asked EVERYONE, a big general 'does anyone know where Charlotte Powers is?'. C2 didn't say anything, which was definitely the Correct Choice.
I still haven't told them why I was so upset. They haven't asked. I feel like I owe it to them, though. They've been so nice without expecting anything from me. Now I have to do something not just for C2, but for her whole family. It has to be amazing, it has to be the best most appropriate most fittingly incredible thing ever.
So far I've just said "Thank you". That's all I can do right now. It's not nearly enough, but until I figure out how to properly show just how deeply I appreciate everything they've done, it'll have to suffice.
I have to go now, Mrs Crescent is about to take the roast out of the oven.
Families, even families that aren't yours, are more than 'great'. They're essential.
xx48.11.30 / 11:34 / Wednesday
I'm still at the Crescents' house. It was funny in the morning, having to take turns in the bathroom. I went last, that was funny too because I was insisting I go last while they were all insisting that I went first (well, C2 wasn't, she's kind of practical and had her turn while her parents and I were insisting at each other). Eventually Mrs Crescent resolved things by saying "If Charlotte's going last then she can have a nice long bath, I'll get one ready for her", so that's what happened, I had a really long bath with all these nice bath salts and things, and candles all lit around me. I've never had a bath like that before, I was amazed at how calm it made me feel, an
d afterwards I noticed my hands weren't really shaking any more.
That's when I told Mrs Crescent about what happened. All of it, everything that Ray did. She listened very sympathetically, and when I told her about the bad part her mouth went all thin and her eyes went all hard, and she patted my arm and she said "Let's hope I never see the boy walking down the street, because big tough rugby player or not I'd punch him to the ground". I think she really would, too. She's lovely and laughy and kind of 'round', but I feel like Mrs Crescent is NOT someone you want to get on the wrong side of.
I felt better for telling her, though, and she gave me a big hug and told me not to worry, that I did well to take care of myself and that probably all I should regret was not giving him a proper slap. Which ... which I DO kind of regret, actually. He definitely deserved it!
One thing I've noticed, being here; my head is clearer. I can think properly. I've spent some time reading back over my recent entries, and it's pretty obvious there's something wrong. I keep mentioning how I should start investigating, but I never actually do anything. Being at the school is bad, that's clear. It's obviously the centre of whatever weird stuff is happening. I don't want to impose on the Crescents because CLEARLY they've already done SO much for me, but it's not just because I don't want to be alone that I'm reluctant to go back to the school.
Except ...
Except I have to go back. Because I DO need to investigate. Because I DO need to stop all of this. At the very least I have to find out what's going on, and maybe who's behind all of this. Even if I can't do anything to stop it myself, I could maybe find someone who can. There aren't any buses out of town but there IS a road, and eventually that road has to lead SOMEWHERE.
I feel bad about sneaking away, but now that I've realised all of this I can't wait any longer. I'm going to leave a note for the Crescents thanking them for everything, and then I'm heading to the school. This time I'm not going as a student, though. I'm going as a spy. There are too many secrets at Emerald Hill Academy. And I'm going to unearth all of them.
