by K. A. Hobbs
“He got picked as Hogwarts champion though.”
“And died.”
“All the girls like him.”
“He still died.” Carter laughs.
“You’re very mean.” I jokingly glare at him.
“Because I speak the truth? You just said you wanted to be a Gryffindor, why are you defending the Puffs?”
“Stop talking, I’m trying to watch this.”
“You’ve been arguing with me for the last five minutes about Puffs, you’ve been doing just as much talking as I have.”
“Stop saying Puffs, Carter.” I laugh at him.
We’re having a Harry Potter marathon, currently on The Prisoner of Azkaban. We’ve eaten an obscene amount of pizza which Carter complained was no where near as good as the pizza back home, we’ve demolished the ice cream we ordered and yet, when Carter produced a bag of popcorn and chocolate, we both found space in our stomachs to eat it. Sitting on the blow-up beds, snuggled together watching movies on the laptop, I can’t remember feeling this happy in a long time, and given what’s going on right now, that’s more amazing than anything.
“Did you believe Sirius was bad in the beginning?” he whispers.
“No, I didn’t, did you?”
“I don’t know, I mean, he looks badass, doesn’t he? You could believe he did what they said he did.”
“Looks can be deceiving, look at Lupin, did you think he was a werewolf?”
“I don’t know, I thought he was gay actually.”
“You what?” I ask, turning to look at him and laughing.
“The cardigan, the moustache, the ‘little secret’… I thought he was gay.”
“You’re hilarious, you know that?”
“Yeah,” he replies, stealing some of my chocolate. “I do.”
When we finish the film, Carter tells me he’s still not tired, sugar rush apparently, so we put The Goblet of Fire on. I’m not ten minutes into the film before my eyelids start drooping. I snuggle down and Carter snuggles down too, I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I wake in the middle of the night, Carter is pressed against my back and has stolen all the covers. The heating must have gone off because it’s freezing, I turn around and tug on the duvet but it doesn’t budge.
“Carter.” I whisper, trying to wake him up.
“Yeah?” he groans.
“You’ve stolen all the covers you thief!”
“Sorry, not used to sleeping with someone, here.”
He rolls over and brings the covers with him, covering me up. I settle back into bed, warmer than I was five minutes ago and seconds later, Carter’s breathing gets heavy again. I close my eyes and let his breathing soothe me back to sleep, I’m smiling in spite of everything that’s happening right now, and it’s all down to Carter.
The next day, Dad comes over to help Carter build the wardrobes, they seem to bond and by the end of the day, Dad has invited Carter round to watch his beloved American Football when the season begins in September. Dad loves sports and seems keen to learn the game. Everything is going well, I’m focusing on the good and trying to keep the surgery out of my mind. Nothing will change until then so I’m determined to keep things as normal as possible. I got a text from Josie earlier today to let me know they’re coming back from their honeymoon today and that Megan is in labour. She promised to let me know what’s going on later but still no word. Carter comes into my room and knocks even though the door is open.
“Mom just phoned, they wanted to know if you’d like to join them for dinner?”
“Not tonight, I’m feeling tired after the late night, you go. You haven’t seen much of your family the last few days.”
“Are you sure? You don’t want me to stay?”
“I’m fine, Carter, honestly.”
“Okay… I won’t be late.”
“I’ll just be putting all my clothes and things away.” I smile.
“I’ll see you later then… If you need me, phone. I’ll come back.”
“Got it.”
I finish unpacking my clothes and an hour later, my room looks much more homely, as it ever will without a bed in anyway. I head into the kitchen and make myself a stir-fry. Sitting on the counter is a note and four little Love Heart sweets. Carter discovered them on our drive back from Cornwall and has been eating them ever since.
Phone me if you need me. X
I grin and take the sweets along with my bowl into the lounge and sit on the blow-up bed. I pull my laptop to my lap and open up a new webpage. I don’t know why I do it, but I find myself on the website about cervical cancer the doctor suggested I look at if I have any question and it’s out of hours. I’m two pages in when the sickness begins and the more I read, the worse it gets. I discard my bowl of food and keep reading, the tears come soon after and even though I know I should stop reading, I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. When Carter arrives home later, I’m a mess, crying at the screen, not really able to see the words anymore because there are so many tears. He comes in and stops when he sees me, he takes off his shoes and crawls onto the bed next to me, pulling me to him.
“I shouldn’t have gone out.”
“No, you should have, I need to learn when to stop reading.”
He looks at the laptop and sighs.
“Yes, you do.”
“It’s very rare in women under the age of twenty-five apparently,” I tell him. “That doesn’t make me feel any better, it just makes me think this whole thing sucks more than I originally thought.”
“I’m so sorry Carmen, I don’t know what to say.” he takes my hand and squeezes it.
“There isn’t anything for you to say, Carter. In a few days, everything changes. I have to be strong, I can’t let this disease take me, but God, do I feel like giving up right now. How can I ever survive this?”
“One day at a time, you lean on those you love and who love you and you take it one day at a time.”
When the tears finally stop, I’m not tired. Carter suggests we continue our Harry Potter marathon and it sounds like the best idea he’s ever had right now. We both get into our pyjamas and meet in the lounge, I come prepared this time and bring a big fluffy jumper with me. We’re half way through the Order of the Phoenix when I get a text message.
Josie: They have a little boy!! He’s perfect, Megan was amazing. I’ll let her text you a photo. She’s already asking to see you. Come over tomorrow?
“Megan and Harry have a son.” I tell Carter, grinning from ear to ear.
“They do?” he asks smiling too.
“Josie just text,” I hand him my phone. “A new little life just came into the world.”
“Crazy huh?”
“I’m going to fight this thing, I’m going to be here to see that little boy grow up, to spoil him and to love him so much.”
“Of course you are,” he smiles, kissing my head. “Of course you are.”
Three days old, tiny and with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Little Henry is making me want all sorts of things I shouldn’t even be thinking of right now and by the looks of it, it’s making Jack want the same. Sure, it’s entirely acceptable for Jack, he just got married, but me?
Not acceptable Carter.
Not.
Acceptable.
I’m going to blame this whole thing I’ve got going on here on the look Carmen has right now, with Henry settled on her chest, cooing him to sleep, I can almost feel the longing and sadness from where I’m standing chatting to Harry. I look around and no one else seems remotely aware of it, so occupied with the new arrival. But I notice, I see it and it makes everything inside me hurts for her.
“Look at Jack,” Harry half whispers. “He’s not sure where to look, at Henry or Josie. It would be easier for him if Josie had him, he wouldn’t have to choose then.”
“He’s smitten and have you noticed Josie?”
“You mean the look she keeps throwing Jack? Of course I have, it’s like she’s ready to lay back, open her legs and let him get he
r pregnant. It’s hard not to notice it.”
“What are you talking about over there?” Jack looks up and scowls.
“You.” Harry laughs.
“Awwww, they have crushes!” Josie teases. “It’s not right, Carter, this is not an episode of Game of Thrones.”
“I don’t have a crush on my brother, you’re disgusting.” I shake my head at her.
“Harry does though.” she grins and winks at him.
“I never said that.”
“You don’t need to, you want my husband to be your lover, it’s okay, I told you, as long as I can watch.”
“Josie, please,” Megan frowns. “Henry.”
“Henry is three days old, he understands poop, sleep and your boobs, because they store the good stuff. He doesn’t understand gay sex.”
“Still. Stop.” Megan tells her.
Carmen looks up and laughs at them while a very content looking Henry snuggles a little more into her neck. Josie looks at Megan and then at Carmen and I know, without them saying anything, what they are thinking, it suits her. It does suit her and she must be hurting so much right now, but yet, she’s still smiling, still pretending everything is okay.
“You should have seen Megs, Carm,” Josie smiles. “She was amazing. Barely made a sound.”
“Is the pain as bad as they say?” she asks.
“Well, yes. But I managed to get in the zone, the music, the water and Harry all really helped.”
“Still Megs, come on. You pushed him out of your vagina and you’re tiny, it must have hurt? I’d have been swearing worse than a sailor!” Josie laughs.
“You do that anyway, Jose.” Carmen grins.
“True.”
Jack manages to look away for longer than ten seconds and comes over to stand with me and Harry. He looks over his shoulder and leans in.
“So, brother,” he smirks. “What’s going on with you two?”
“Me and Harry?”
“No, you idiot, not you and Harry. Carmen.”
“Jeez, nothing is happening!”
“Keep your voice down,” he snarls at me. “You’ve been together since the wedding it seems, something is happening.”
“We’re not together, and she’s shown me a few of the sights, that’s it.”
“What her bedroom looks like being one of them?” Harry grins.
“She’s staying at her parents, dude.” I frown.
“And? The prospect of being caught only makes it more exciting.”
“Nothing is going on, we’re friends.” I tell them.
“With benefits at least?”
“No, you two need to get some and stop being assholes!” I glare at them.
“I’m getting plenty, thank you very much.” Jack smiles.
“I won’t be getting any for a while…” Harry frowns. “Thanks for reminding me.”
Henry chooses that moment to wake up and all eyes are back on him, the look in Harry’s eyes tells me he doesn’t mind the no sex, he’s in love with his baby son and so he should be.
“You’re welcome, now, if you don’t mind, it’s my turn for cuddles now he’s awake.”
We spend longer than I thought we would with everyone and when Carmen says she’s leaving I don’t think twice about leaving too. Jack gives me a look and I know, I’ll get a text as soon as we leave and he’ll want to talk. When we get back to the flat Carmen tells me she’s going for a bath, she tries to hide the sadness, but I can see it. I decide while she’s in the bath, I’ll make us dinner. The beds have arrived and Mom and Dad bought us a table and chairs, so we have somewhere to eat dinner, we’re still using the blow-up beds as a sofa until ours is delivered though. We’ve got a routine of having dinner and watching whatever movie we fancy, tonight it’s The Deathly Hallows Part One.
I want to cheer her up, today has taken its toll on her, regardless of whether she wants to admit it to me or not. I head into the kitchen and get everything out of the fridge to make her favourite. I get to work and by the time she comes out of the bathroom, all I need to do is layer everything up.
“Is that what I think it is?” she sniffs the air as she walks into the lounge.
“What do you think it is?”
“Lasagne?”
“Yes, then it’s exactly what you think it is.”
“You’re making my favourite?” she looks at me and then bursts into tears.
“Hey, Carm…”
I walk around the breakfast bar and pull her to me, she holds on to me and sobs her heart out. I don’t have anything to say that will make it better so I don’t say anything and after a few minutes, she stills and pulls back.
“I’m sorry, Carter,” she sniffs. “Tough day.”
“It’s okay… Do you want to talk about it?”
“Henry, it’s just a reminder I won’t ever hold a newborn… Not my newborn anyway. I guess I have a lot of stuff I’m going to need to work though, huh?”
“One day at a time.” I kiss the top of her head then lean back, “Fancy a glass of red wine? I had to open it to put some in the dinner.”
“We don’t want to waste it do we?” she smiles.
“Absolutely not, sit down, I’ll finish dinner then we can start Harry Potter while it cooks.”
I make the lasagne and set the timer so I don’t forget about it. Carmen settles herself on our makeshift sofa and gets the movie ready, I grab myself a beer and settle in too.
“Please tell me you’ve got garlic bread?”
“Of course I have.” I laugh.
“You’re like the perfect guy, I might just have to keep you.” she grins, pressing play.
I’d happily be kept by you, Carmen, I think.
More than happily.
“This one has too many emotions, I’m going to cry. Just warning you now, okay?”
“I got it, I mean, everyone cries when Dobby dies, don’t they?”
“They should do, if they don’t? They can’t have a heart.”
I wake up to the sound of crying and realise we’ve both fallen asleep in the lounge. I roll over and Carmen is still asleep.
Asleep and crying.
I don’t know whether to wake her up or leave her but the sound is horrendous so I know I have to do something.
“Carmen?” I rest my hand on my her cheek and her eyes spring open.
“Carter.” she croaks.
“You’re dreaming, it’s just a dream.” I tell her, trying to make her calm down.
“It’s not though Carter, I’m dreaming about reality, I’ve just got my eyes closed. It’s real, it’s so real.”
She stands up and walks into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. I sit there, totally unsure what to do. Do I leave her? Do I go and knock on her door and make sure she’s okay? I don’t know, I’m clueless and I hate feeling useless when I know someone needs my help. I sit there for another ten minutes and decide I’ll text her, it seems stupid but if she doesn’t want to see me, at least she can talk this way.
Me: Can I do anything? x
I hear her phone make a noise from her room and a few seconds later mine buzzes in my hand.
Carmen: No, I’m sorry. It’s just all too much right now. I’m sorry for waking you x
Me: Nothing to be sorry about. Are you sure you don’t need anything? x
Carmen: Positive, going to try and sleep. x
Me: Always here x
I head into my room and try to sleep, but I can’t get my brain to switch off. I have so many things running through my head I don’t know what to do with them. I look at the clock 4.56am and decide maybe a run will help. I change into some sweats and put my sneakers on. I write a note for Carmen letting her know I’ve gone for a run and put my headphones on. When I step outside, I press play on one of my running playlists and the sound of Oasis blasts in my ears.
I start slow, then pick up speed as I approach the park. The street lights are slowly starting to go off as the sky is light already. I make a circuit of the pa
rk and on my second circuit, pass other runners out for their morning run.
The morning is the best part of the day; it’s calm and still and it gives you time to think, time to work through things before the day gets going and more gets piled into your head. I keep going and before I realise it, I’ve been out for over an hour. I make my way back to the apartment and let myself in. Carmen is still in her room, so I shower and get some breakfast. I’m just turning the bacon when she appears looking tired.
“Morning.” she almost whispers.
“Hey,” I smile. “Coffee?”
“Please.” she sits on the bar stool and rests her head in her hands.
“I’m not going to ask how you are… Stupid question. But would you like some breakfast?”
“What is it?” she sniffs the air. “Bacon?”
“Bacon, pancakes, eggs…”
“I didn’t think I was hungry, I guess I am.” she smiles.
“What are you doing today?” I ask as I scramble the eggs.
“Shopping.” she groans as she takes a sip of her coffee.
“Girls love shopping, why aren’t you smiling?”
“It’s for hospital stuff.”
“Oh.”
“Can you come with me to the shop?” she asks as I place her plate of breakfast in front of her.
“Sure. What do you need to get?” I take a seat next to her and tuck in, starving.
“Everything. New pyjamas, toiletries, things I know I’ll want to eat after the surgery. I was going to ask Mum, but she’s so… She just can’t cope with it all right now and I know the next few months will be tough on her and Dad, so I’d rather they save their strength for that.”
“You only have to ask, and I’m there, actually,” I smile. “Sometimes if you don’t ask me I’m still going to be there.” I laugh.
“I think I’m going to need you to be, Carter. I shouldn’t ask you to be, but I am.” she says, spooning a mouthful of scrambled eggs into her mouth.
“You haven’t asked, I offered.”
