by K. A. Hobbs
“These aren’t my team.” I laugh.
“Well, if you’re living with me, they are.”
“Thank you, Carter.” I smile holding up my Chicago Bears pyjamas.
“You said the short pyjamas were the most comfortable… These are shorts.”
“How did you get them?”
“I ordered them express last week when you were struggling to find some.” he grins.
“Sneaky.”
“Are you going to wear them?” he asks a little too hopefully.
“Of course I am.”
“Good girl, do you need a hand getting changed or…”
“I’ve got it Carter, can you get me some water and my tablets?”
“On it.” he calls as he walks out of my bedroom and closes the door.
Chicago Bears pyjamas.
Whatever next.
I wake up in darkness and complete silence.
I don’t move.
I just lay there and listen to the nothingness, relishing in it. There are no machines bleeping, no one talking. I inhale and all I smell is the delicious scent of the plug-in Carter put in my room for me.
I’m home.
I’m safe and I’m warm.
I move a little and wince, I might be in pain but I’m alive. I reach out my arm and find my phone so I can see what time it is, 2.09, no wonder it’s pitch black. I need the loo and I know I’ll never make it alone. I do what Carter told me and I call him. I hear it ring in his room and then I hear him get up and stumble towards my room.
“Carm?” he croaks, his voice thick with sleep.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but I need the loo.” I tell him.
“Hey, don’t be sorry, it’s what I’m here for.” he smiles.
I know he smiles, because he switches on the en-suite light and his face is bathed in soft, golden light. He walks over and helps me push the covers off, then leans down and scoops me into his arms. I’m wearing the pyjamas he got me, Chicago Bears shorts and a tank and with Carter just wearing a pair of flannel pyjama bottoms, his very warm, very soft, bare skin is pressed against mine. I’m in pain and I need the loo, but I don’t remember anything ever feeling so good in my life. I could stay wrapped in his arms all day and be the happiest person in the world.
He walks us both into the bathroom and sits me down on the closed toilet seat, he straightens up and looks at me; his face is soft with sleep, his hair is sticking up in all directions and he has the most beautiful smile on his face. He squats down in front of me and for a second I think he’s going to stay in here with me.
“Are you okay? Shall I get your pain meds ready while you… you know… pee?” he smirks.
“Please,” I nod, knowing there is no way I’ll be able to get back to sleep without them. “I also finished my water.”
“I’ll get you some more, anything else?”
“No, thank you.”
“I’ll be back, call if you need anything.”
He stands and walks out, closing the door behind him and leaving me with the vision of his bare back as he leaves. When Carter first suggested he stay in England and look after me, I thought he was crazy, then he found us a place to rent and helped me kit it out with everything we would need to live here. I couldn’t believe he was willing to give up his life to help me, but he did. Now I can’t imagine going through this without him here. I do my business and lean over to wash my hands, a few seconds later, Carter knocks on the door.
“I’m ready.” I tell him.
He opens the door and comes in, scooping me back up into his arms. I snuggle into his warmth and can’t help but inhale him, he always smells so clean, so fresh. Last week, he went for a run and when he came back, I was having a little meltdown, he didn’t hesitate to wrap me in his arms and ask what he could do to make it better. I should have found being hugged by a sweaty man disgusting, but even sweaty he smelled amazing.
“How do you always smell so… nice?”
“Do I always smell nice?” he chuckles, placing me on my bed and sitting next to me.
“Yes. All the time, what’s the secret?”
“I can’t tell you, it’s like the hot chocolate thing…”
“You’re nuts.”
“I know.” he grins.
He picks up my pain killers and hands them to me, then hands me my fresh glass of water. I swallow the tablets and hand him back my glass. He leans over and kisses my forehead then stands up.
“I’ll leave you to sleep, unless you need anything?”
“Don’t leave.”
“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”
I lift up the side of the duvet and look at him. He looks at me and I know he isn’t sure what I’m asking of him.
“Climb in, you’ll get cold sitting out there.”
“It’s not cold…”
“Okay, well, I want a hug, in you get.” I grin.
He smiles and walks around my bed, climbing in beside me. When he’s settled next to me, I roll over carefully and snuggle into him, his warmth bringing me instant comfort. We just lay together like that, not speaking for a while. When the pain killers start to kick in and my eyelids droop, he pulls me closer and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“Sleep, beautiful.”
“Stay.” I whisper to him.
“Okay.” he whispers back.
I fall asleep, more comfortable than I have been in days. I make a mental note to make Carter sleep next to me more often and smile as I drift off to sleep.
Carmen and I slowly create a routine the next few days. She works out how to rest and I work out how to look after her without driving her crazy. Beth and Will visit every day and that’s my time to go out for a run, get groceries or see Mom and Dad. Carmen has insisted I go and do things I want to and not spend every minute of the day with her. I’m avoiding Jack, after bailing out on the day of the game, telling him I didn’t feel good, he’s been texting and phoning and since I still can’t tell him the real reason I missed it, I figure the best thing to do is avoid him.
After that first night, I’ve slept next to her every night too, it makes sense, Carmen is still weak and sore from surgery and in the dark I just worry she’s going to knock into something or fall and I won’t hear her. Lex has been round a few times and sat with Carmen while I’ve been out too, they seem to have gotten really close and chat on the phone every day. She still hasn’t told Megan and Josie about what’s going on, but I hope after her hospital appointment she will. I’m just getting my shoes on when Beth and Will knock on the door. I go to let them in and grin.
“She’s going to kill you.” I laugh as I let them in.
“The place needs brightening up, the others are almost dead too.” Will laughs, bringing the flowers in.
“And the balloon?”
“That was my idea.” Beth chuckles.
“Carter? Can you come help me?” Carmen calls from her room.
“Coming!” I call, heading into her room.
She’s dressed and sitting on her bed looking tired already and it’s only ten-thirty.
“You didn’t sleep last night,” I sigh, sitting next to her. “I’m sleeping on the floor tonight.”
“No, you’re not. I wouldn’t have slept whether you were beside me or not. It’s just really painful at the minute, I think I laid funny the night before and it’s just sore.”
“Your Mom and Dad are here.”
“Can you help me out there?”
I hold my hand out and help her stand, she’s slower today than she has been other days and the pain is clear on her face. We walk slowly into the front room and I know her Mom and Dad notice it too. When she’s comfortable on the sofa I get her water and pain meds and something small to eat.
“I’m okay, Mum.” she tells her.
“You don’t look so good today.”
“I’m tired, that’s all. I didn’t really sleep.”
“Are you going to try and sleep?” her Dad asks.
“These will help, I wont be much company today I don’t think.” she grimaces as she shifts.
“We’ve got books and the TV, don’t worry about us.”
I stay just long enough to know she’s about to fall asleep and won’t need anything before I head out.
“I’m just going to the store to stock up on a few things we need, then I’ll be back.” I whisper to Will.
“Take your time, we’ll phone if we don’t know where something is.”
I nod and kiss Carmen on the head, she smiles and keeps her eyes closed. I get what I need at the store and head back, she’s fast asleep on the sofa and looks peaceful which makes me feel a lot happier. I keep busy, I get lunch ready and I help Beth make a start on dinner. I asked Beth and Will to stay for something to eat with us, Beth only agreed if she was able to cook, she said I’m doing more than enough. So while we peel vegetables, we chat.
“How is she doing at night?” she asks.
“Last night wasn’t good, I don’t think she really slept, every time I woke up she was awake.”
“Do you check on her a lot? You can’t be getting a lot of sleep either.”
“I’m staying in her room with her at the moment,” the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Not like that.”
“I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, Carter, I thank God every day she has you with her.”
“I just want her to get better.”
“I know you do… You love her.”
I can’t help but notice, it isn’t a question.
“I do.” I admit, not feeling the slightest bit embarrassed about it.
What do I have to be embarrassed about? Carmen is the most incredible person in the world and she surprises me with her strength every single day. Not only is she the strongest person I know, she’s also the bravest, funniest and kindest. The love she has for all her friends and family is so clear to me, she’s protecting everyone from this and taking it all on, on her own so they don’t hurt. Whether they agree with her choice or not, it’s a courageous one.
“I’m glad, you know. She deserves to have someone who adores her, who treats her like she’s the most precious thing in the world. You do that, Carter and you’re not a couple… yet.” she grins.
“I’m not asking for anything, I don’t want to push her into anything, if she only ever wants to be friends, I’m okay with that.” I lie.
Of course I’m not.
I want her to be mine.
“She loves you too. I can see it. She hasn’t told you, but then, you haven’t told her either…. The time will come, soon I think, when you’ll both tell each other and face it head on, scary as it may be.”
“It’s not scary, loving her isn’t scary. The thought of not being with her is scary.”
“You’re a wonderful man Carter, I hope you know that. Thank you, for everything you’re doing for her. I don’t know another man in the whole world who would do what you’re doing.”
“I don’t know that that’s true.” I shrug, a little uncomfortable.
“I do.” she leans in and kisses my cheek, before heading back to check on Carmen.
Beth and Will have gone and Carmen is lounging on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream watching True Blood. I don’t want to watch it, but I can’t help myself. Every time I look up there’s a naked body on the screen, it’s like porn with a very weird storyline.
“Is this show all sex?” I ask, moving closer so I can have some of the blanket.
“Not all sex, no. But it does have a lot in it.”
“And you like this??”
“Sex? Sure who doesn’t?”
“I mean the TV show,” I laugh. “Everyone enjoys sex.”
“Yes, it’s good. A little weird… but it’s good.”
“Is this the first episode?”
“No, the second. Do you want to go back? We can watch together?”
Her face lights up at the thought and even if I wanted to say no, I couldn’t. She takes it back to episode one and we sit back together and watch it. By the time we’re both yawning we’ve watched five episodes. Carmen shuffles slowly into the bedroom while I get us both some water and her pain meds. By the time I get into the bedroom, she’s changed into her Bears pyjamas and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“You’re staying in here with me, right?” she asks as I place her glass down beside her.
She looks beyond exhausted and her face is showing the pain she’s in. I pull back the covers and help settle her in, making her as comfortable as she can be before I slide in next to her.
“Of course. I’m here until you kick me out.”
“And if I don’t ever kick you out?”
“Then I’ll always be here.”
She wakes me in the night shivering and in pain. I fetch her one of my jumpers and snuggle her to me after she’s taken more tablets. As she begins to relax she starts to talk.
“Tell me more about Madison.”
“Why?”
“I’m just curious, Alexis mentioned her on the phone today, I just wondered why you two split up? You don’t have to tell me.”
“Lex and her big mouth,” I sigh. “We dated for two years, we were so unsuited in so many ways. She came from money and didn’t want to work, was happy to live off Mommy and Daddy’s money. After about a year, she started dropping not so subtle hints that she wanted us to get married, I didn’t. So I dodged the question any time it was asked, and towards the end it was asked a lot.”
“Why did you stay together?”
“Do you want the honest answer here?”
“Always.”
“Sex. I’m truly embarrassed to admit that, but it was easy… I told her to stop asking, stop pressuring me to propose to her and she did for a while… Then I went over to her apartment one night after work, it had been a long week and she sits me down and produces a ring.”
“She what?” Carmen laughs.
“Yeah, she tells me she’s taken the liberty of finding herself one, that she doesn’t need a big flash proposal… I left after a huge row and I didn’t go back. She’s taken to phoning Lex to try and get me to talk to her, I blocked her number so she can’t phone me.”
“She sounds…”
“Mental. I know, that isn’t even the worst of it.”
“There’s more?”
“Two weeks after we split up, she comes round to Mom and Dad’s one Sunday when we’re watching the game… She produces a scan picture. She’s pregnant and the baby is mine she says.”
“Oh, God, Carter.”
“She’s not pregnant, Carmen, relax.”
“How do you know?”
“I waited, no change to her body, then her best friend came to see me, told me she planned everything, she was going to get back with me and try and get pregnant. She thought I wouldn’t notice the time frame. She’s beautiful Carmen but she isn’t the cleverest person in the world.”
“That’s outrageous!”
“Tell me about it.” I laugh, remembering how ridiculous everything was.
“I’m a little lost for words, I was expecting her to still be in love with you, not to be like that.”
“So… Who have you left behind in Australia? Anyone?”
“Not really, I was seeing a guy named Sean. He was a good guy, but we kind of drifted apart. Then I got my diagnosis and wanted to move back here. I was always working when I was there, I didn’t have a lot of time to be social really and I didn’t want to. When Megs and Josie left, I always planned to come back, it just happened a little sooner than I thought it would.”
“Megs is going to love having you back.” I tell her, kissing the top of her head.
“I hope so… she might not forgive me after I tell her what I have to.”
“You’re healing well, how are you feeling?”
“Tired, sore, but okay.” I tell Judy who is my cancer nurse, honestly.
“All to be expected. Are you resting?”
&n
bsp; “Yes, Carter, Mum and Dad won’t let me do anything. I’m doing nothing but resting.”
“Glad to hear it.” she smiles at Carter.
I’m given an appointment for meeting the radiotherapy team to plan my treatment and then we’re allowed to go home. I decide while I’m walking back to Dad’s car with Carter that today, I’m telling Megs and Josie. On the ride back I phone Megan to see if she’s free.
“Hey Megs, how are you and that gorgeous little boy?”
“We’re good, he’s putting on weight and is soooooo gorgeous. How are you? When are you going back?”
“I’m not… Actually Megs, I need to talk to you… Can you come over?”
“Come over? Where?”
“My apartment…”
“You have an apartment? How exciting! Where? What time? I’ll get Harry to drive us over.”
I tell her to come over in an hour, the drive back seems to go too quickly and before I know it, we’re parking outside the flat. When we arrive back, Carter still insists on carrying me up the stairs. He lets us in and settles me on the sofa then gets my laptop and sits it on the coffee table while we wait for Megan to arrive. When she knocks on the door I take a deep breath and Carter goes to open it.
“Oh, hey Carter.” Megan greets him, clearly surprised to see him here.
“Hey Megs,” he smiles, giving her a hug. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” she eyes him suspiciously.
“Why are you here?” Harry asks from just behind him.
“I live here.”
“You what?” Megan half yells.
“Nice and slow, Carter.” I laugh from the sofa.
Carter shows them in and Megs immediately comes over and sits next to me, leaning over she touches my forehead and takes my hand with a worried look on her face.
“You’re ill. What’s wrong.” she asks, tears already filling her eyes.
“It’s okay, Megs,” I try and soothe her. “Carter, can you take Harry for a drink, please?”
Carter looks at Harry and back to me, we didn’t really have chance to talk about how this was going to go, but I need to be alone with Megan if I’m going to be strong enough to tell her what’s going on.
