“Are you going to say something?” I asked.
“I’m thinking.”
“Thinking I’m right?”
“I don’t want to tell you that you’re right or wrong because if I tell you that you’re wrong and then something happens, you’ll hate me.”
I groaned. “I won’t hate you. It won’t be your fault.”
“And I don’t want to tell you that you’re right because it will scare Spencer and everyone else and maybe for no reason. But given how the idiot handled everything from Christy to the kidnapping, he’s not a master kidnapper. We were always one step ahead of him.”
“How are we going to be ahead of him now?”
“Security system for starters.”
I thought for a moment. “What if Spencer brings Kyle to work with her?”
“Does BKJB have a daycare?”
“Well, no. But we own the company. Won’t be hard to put one in.”
“It’s not a bad idea.” He nodded.
I leaned back against the couch again and then rubbed my hands down my face. “Yeah, but if I tell Spencer she needs to bring Kyle to work instead of hiring a nanny, that might scare her.”
“Right.”
“I can’t scare her with something I don’t know if it’s real or not. She’s been through too much already.”
Jason nodded again and we both sat in silence as I thought about how I needed to come up with a plan for Spencer to bring Kyle to work with her to Better Keep Jogging Baby and not hire a nanny or I was certain I would lose my mind.
Chapter Three
Spencer
The crying.
The crying wouldn’t stop.
How could someone so tiny produce so many tears? I’d tried everything: changing Kyle’s diaper, feeding him, rocking him, holding him, not holding him, wrapping him up like a burrito (Ryan told me it worked for her daughter, Abby), singing to him—anything and everything I could think of. The only thing that I knew worked for my newborn son was lying on his daddy’s chest while Brandon watched TV. I would fall asleep on Brandon’s chest if he were here, too. But it was only Kyle, Niner and me because Brandon was at work and I was about to lose my ever-loving mind if Kyle didn’t stop whaling.
When Brandon called to check in, I pretended everything was okay. The truth was Kyle was screaming so loud when he called the first time and I didn’t want him to worry. When he called again, Kyle was sleeping as if he cried himself to sleep. I didn’t want him thinking I didn’t have a handle on things. I did for the most part—just not the damn crying.
Not. The. Damn. Crying.
Was it possible that my baby hated me?
A few minutes after I hung up with Brandon, Kyle woke and started to cry again. “Come on, jelly bean,” I cooed. “Please stop crying.”
Tears streamed down my face … again. I was crying for the twentieth time that day. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and every night I told myself that the next day would be better. But it wasn’t.
I needed my family with Brandon and now I had that family, but I didn’t feel bonded with my baby. Brandon was bonded with him and I wanted that. I wanted that more than anything.
And then a thought popped into my head.
I picked Kyle up from his bassinet and then laid us down in the middle of the bed surrounded us with pillows. My chest wasn’t flat like Brandon’s but maybe the motion of my breathing and the beating of my heart would calm him.
For my plan to work, I needed to stop crying. Maybe Kyle could sense my own anxiety and frustration and maybe he was scared because I was scared. Everything was confusing because I didn’t know what I was feeling or what to feel or how to feel. I didn’t understand what was happening and why. Why couldn’t I be a normal mother? Feel like a normal mother.
I calmed my breathing and my tears slowly stopped. Niner jumped on the bed beside us, resting his body against mine. “We can do this,” I said in the most calming voice I could but I knew my voice was raspy from crying. It always was when I cried. How Brandon hadn’t noticed it when he called was beyond me.
The three of us laid on the bed for I don’t know how long, but finally Kyle’s cries started to dissipate. I didn’t move for fear he’d wake again, and eventually, we were all asleep.
*
The sound of crying woke me. Niner jumped from the bed and I glanced at the clock then smiled. Kyle had slept on my chest for four hours. It made me want to scream hallelujah at the top of my lungs while doing a happy dance. I was able to get him to sleep all by myself. Finally, I felt like a real mother.
After getting out of bed, I changed his diaper, fed him, burped him and placed him back in his bassinet. He went back to sleep right away and I breathed a sigh of relief. I could do this. I could totally do this mother thing. I felt refreshed as well since I finally got some sleep. Four hours wasn’t a long time, but it was what I’d needed—wanted—longed for. A weight had finally been lifted off me.
Grabbing the baby monitor, I went downstairs to the kitchen, Niner following behind me. I finally had an appetite. It was as if a switch went off and I was no longer a blubbering mess. I felt like Wonder Woman—I could take on the world! Kyle and I had bonded.
As I was mid-bite of my sandwich, my cell phone rang. I expected it to be Brandon again checking up on me but it was Ryan. “Hey,” I said, answering after I swallowed my bite.
“What’s up?”
“Eating lunch. You?”
There was a brief pause. “It’s four o’clock.”
I remembered when Ryan first had Abby. She told me that Abby would eat, shit and sleep. How could I tell my best friend that Kyle wasn’t sleeping as much as Abby had and, therefore, I wasn’t sleeping or eating?
“If you must know, Brandon’s going to be home late for dinner, so I’m eating a late lunch,” I lied.
“Oh. How’s my favorite Montgomery?” She changed the subject and I was thankful.
“Who’s that?” I laughed.
“Special K.”
I grinned at the nickname she had for my son. “He’s sleeping.”
Part of me wanted to tell her my struggles with getting him to sleep, but now that I had found a way to get him to fall asleep, I was confident that I had a solution to my problem and I didn’t need to worry anymore. Things were going to change. Kyle and I had an understanding now.
“Want to go for a walk or something tomorrow?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. If tomorrow was like today, then I didn’t want to go anywhere. On the other hand, maybe having help from her would be good for me. But what if she judged me? What if he cried because he wasn’t lying on my chest?
“I …” I hesitated.
“I’m not taking no for an answer. You know that, right?”
“Today’s my first day without Brandon, Ry. I haven’t found my groove.”
“You’ll never have a groove, Spence. I wish I had someone to go for walks with when Max left me at home with Abby. Trust me, you’ll want to get out of the house.”
“On day two?” I whined.
“Need to lose that baby weight somehow.” She chuckled.
“Remind me to punch you tomorrow.”
“So that’s a yes?”
“I thought you weren’t taking no for an answer?”
“Listen, bitc—”
As if on cue Kyle started to cry into the monitor. “Gotta go. Kyle woke up.”
“See you tomorrow. I’ll text you.”
“Okay, bye.”
We hung up and I prayed over and over that Kyle wouldn’t give me a hard time this go around. Even though I told Ryan that Brandon was going to be late getting home, he wasn’t. He’d told me before he left that he was only going into work to check on things and then he’d be home. But he’d already been gone six hours.
I can do this.
“What’s wrong, jelly bean?” I leaned down and picked Kyle up, his head resting on my shoulder as I patted his back. His cries didn’t stop.
; I took a deep breath. We weren’t going to go back down the road of him crying over and over and over, so I started my checklist of things. He obviously didn’t want to be held because he kept crying in my arms.
“Does your diaper need to be changed again?”
His changing table was in his room and I didn’t feel like going in there to change him, so I gently placed him on the bed. Niner lay on the floor next to me. He was like my shadow; always following me, almost as if he was protecting me.
“Geez, jelly bean, you’re bladder is the size of a …” I laughed. “Of a bean.”
Kyle stopped crying and looked up at me with his big brown eyes. I wasn’t sure if he knew he was interacting with me, but regardless, he’d stopped crying and I needed to keep it going.
“You think Mommy’s funny?” I giggled, leaning down and brushing my nose against his as I used my baby voice.
He stared at me.
“Yeah, you like when Mommy’s happy? We totally have this bonding thing going now, don’t we? Yeah, we do. We sure do.” My nose kept rubbing back and forth along his, my long brown hair draped around our faces. “Daddy’s going to be so proud of us.” I pulled my hair away from his face to continue changing his diaper. Niner barked beside me.
“Shh, you’re going to make him cry again.”
He barked again.
“Damnit, Niner. Be a good boy. We don’t want him to cry. Please don’t make him cry.”
As I turned back to Kyle, my heart felt as if it dropped out of my chest and onto the floor. I wasn’t even a foot away from him, but I lunged for him as he turned, almost falling off the side of the bed. My heart was racing as it pumped in my chest, confirming that it hadn’t fallen out but was maybe dangling by a valve …
And Kyle started to cry.
Again.
Fuck. My. Life.
“No. No. No!” I shouted. This couldn’t be happening. We were on the same page. We were good. We were bonded. We were mother and son. And then I realized my hands were wrapped around his tiny arms so tight that I was probably hurting the little guy. “Oh my God. I’m sorry, jelly bean.”
I held him in my arms and started kissing him all over as I started to cry, too. How did I let this happen? How did he roll? Why was this happening to me?
Motherhood was not for me.
Chapter Four
Brandon
After months of my enemies behind bars, I thought just that; they were behind us. Now I wasn’t so sure. I had more than just myself and Spencer to protect now. I had Kyle to worry about, too. And if anything were to happen to either one of them, I would lose my shit. I would hunt down those motherfuckers Michael hired and I would be sitting next to him and Matt in prison and then I would shank those assholes so fast—
“Hey, I’ve been standing here for three minutes and you’re just staring at the screen. Everything okay?” Jason inquired, walking into my office.
“Yeah.” I shook my head and blinked my eyes. I hadn’t realized I was daydreaming. “I’m not sure which security system to buy,” I said, referencing what I’d been doing.
Jason came around to my side of the desk to see the screen. “I think you need one with all the bells and whistles. Something you can monitor from here. Something that allows you to turn the lights on from outside when you pull into your garage. You know¸ stuff like that.”
“Right.” I knew all that. However, it felt as though my brain wasn’t working. I was worried about Spencer being home alone and me not getting there in time again. I was always late. From the time Christy broke into my condo to when Michael kidnapped her. Was my paranoia all in my head? “I need to call and check on Spencer again.” I reached for my phone, but Jason stopped me.
“Calm down. Bec yelled at me when I called her non-stop. Spencer has her hands full. Trust me.”
“I need to know she’s okay. What if she is kidnapped?”
“And if she’s not¸ then you’re going to get an earful about how she doesn’t have time for you to keep calling her.”
I stared at him. This was Spencer’s life we were talking about. It wasn’t as if I was calling to see what we were having for dinner or if she needed me to pick up milk on the way home. I wanted to call and make sure she answered her phone.
“This isn’t the same situation—”
“We don’t know that, dude.”
“And that’s why I want to call her. Fuck!” I leaned back in my chair while taking a deep breath, and closed my eyes. We were happy, and now I was putting doubt and fear into my head that our nightmare wasn’t over. I needed to get my shit together. Get a security system installed as soon as possible and live our life.
“Why don’t you call Ryan to check on her? Then it’s not you calling and you’ll get an answer.”
I opened my eyes to meet his brown gaze. He was leaning against my desk facing me with his arms crossed. Having Ryan call Spencer wasn’t a bad idea. “Fine, but help me research security systems. I want to go home early.”
I texted Ryan and asked her to call Spencer to check on her. If anything, at least Ryan was only a block away and had a key to my house. Plus, we had Niner to fight off attackers—unless he licked them to death.
Ryan: Yeah, I’ll call her as soon as Abby’s sleeping again. I’ll call or text you back.
Me: Thank you!
“Let’s brainstorm what you need to keep these assholes out.” Jason took a seat in front of my desk. I had no idea what I needed. My brain wasn’t working and I was relying on Google to help me.
“I’m not entirely sure,” I admitted to him.
“Well, you want cameras.” He smirked.
My eyes narrowed at him. “Of course I want cameras.”
He chuckled. “And what else?”
“Well, the doors and windows should have sensors that set off the alarm when someone tries to break in.”
He smiled again. “See, you do know what you want.”
“What else do I want, though?” I laughed.
“Motion detectors?”
I snapped then pointed my finger at him. “Yes!”
“You need to be writing these down.” He motioned to my desk as if for me to pick up a pen and start writing.
I grabbed a pen and started jotting the list down. “What else?” We thought for a moment. “I need glass they can’t break. We can have all these detectors and sensors but by the time I get there or even the cops, it might be too late. Having glass they can’t shatter and break would be safer.”
“I agree.” Jason nodded. “What about a panic room?”
“A panic room?”
“Yeah. You know, a room Spencer can lock herself in just in case they do get into the house.” He smirked.
I rolled my eyes. “I know what a panic room is. I just never thought I’d need one.”
“And you never thought your ex would try to kill Spencer or that Michael would kidnap her.”
“How am I going to explain a panic room to Spencer without her panicking?”
He chuckled. “Oh she’s gonna panic. She’s going to freak the fuck out.”
This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It was probably true but I didn’t need Spencer to freak out. She had already freaked out too much about my past coming after her. I was hoping to make the changes while she was enjoying a spa day, but if I added a panic room, that would take longer than a few hours.
“Well, you know where to start with the security system. Call Tom, the guy who did ours here. Hire his company to do yours at your house.”
“Right.” I nodded then glanced at the time on my computer. “Shit. How did it get to be so late?” I hadn’t realized that it was already late in the afternoon. By the time I drove all the way home, it was going to be after five. I hadn’t planned on being at work for so long. Hell, I hadn’t even done any work. I’d wasted the day staring at my computer screen. That wasn’t the plan. The plan was to check in on Club 24 and go home.
“I need to head home.” We both stood
and I grabbed my phone then stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans.
“Call Tom and let me know what he says.” Jason started to walk out my office as I followed.
“I will on the way home.”
When I got in the car, I cranked the engine. I needed anything and everything to make my house like Fort Knox.
*
My heart rate and the speed of my silver Range Rover had slowed down by the time I pulled into the driveway.
I had a meeting set-up for Tom to come by my house and give me an estimate the following morning. He knew my story and knew how urgent the situation might become. I’d also received a text from Ryan that Spencer and Kyle were both fine.
I wasn’t sure when I was going back to work. It depended on what Tom said and how fast he could get everything setup. I was mentally kicking myself for not thinking about getting the security system sooner.
When I walked into the house from the garage, I expected Niner to greet me. I also expected Spencer to be in the living room with Kyle or to hear them from somewhere in the house, but I didn’t hear anything. Ryan said everything was good so I wasn’t worried. I assumed Spencer was either changing Kyle’s diaper or feeding him. When I walked up the stairs and into our bedroom, I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. Spencer was kneeling over Kyle on the bed and crying.
Everything wasn’t okay. Ryan had lied to me.
“Spencer, baby, what’s wrong?”
She looked up, tears streaming down her face as she sniffled. Kyle stared up at me as if to question what was going on, too.
“Why are you crying?” I knelt beside her and Niner came and sat beside me. His tail wagged as he licked my face. I petted his head in greeting and turned back to Spencer.
Her bloodshot brown eyes stared into my brown ones. “I … I did something bad.”
I kissed her forehead and grabbed her hands to comfort her. “What did you do?”
Tears started to pour from her eyes as she heaved heavy sobs.
“Baby, you can tell me. You know you can tell me anything.” I stole a glance at Kyle. He was staring up at the ceiling, oblivious to his mom’s meltdown. I pulled Spencer to me and held her. There was nothing more to do besides that. Kyle was okay and Spencer appeared to be fine. I would have to wait until she decided to tell me whatever “bad” thing she had done.
Down on Me (Club 24 #7) Page 2
