by Liz Isaacson
“Burgers for everyone,” Mom said. “Even you, Jordan.” She handed them out without emotion, and Holland took hers though she had no desire to eat it.
“Hey, sis,” Brenda said, nudging her red-skirted hip into Holland’s.
“Hey.” Holland unwrapped her burger and took a bite so she wouldn’t have to further the conversation.
“How’s Gold Valley?” Apparently Brenda didn’t understand the cold vibes Holland was putting off. And why would she? Holland wondered. She’d thought it was okay to kiss Jordan while he was still with someone else. And not just someone else. Her very own sister.
The tangled web that seemed so thin and silky in Gold Valley suddenly choked Holland. Her phone buzzed, and she seized onto the opportunity to escape the room. “Excuse me,” she managed to say through a closed throat, pushing out the door a moment later.
“Let her go,” she heard her mom say amidst Brenda’s protest.
Holland didn’t care if she was being petty. She was the oldest; she should be more mature; she’d coached herself through all of it before. But a hundred-square-foot hospital room couldn’t contain her, and her sister, and Jordan.
“Holland, wait.” The masculine voice behind her only made her increase her step. She made it out of the maternity ward, her sandals slapping the tile now as she nearly broke into a run.
“Holland, I’m sorry.”
That apology made her freeze. Her chest heaved, and all her carefully placed pieces felt scattered. When she’d found out about Jordan’s infidelity with her own sister, Holland had never spoken to him again. She didn’t ask him why. Didn’t want to know why. She didn’t cry or beg or ask for his apology.
The fact that he’d given it to her when she hadn’t asked for it hit a nerve deep inside. She turned back to him, her fingers curling into fists. “You’re sorry?”
He stood in the hall with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans, one shoulder lifting in a shrug like I said it once. Not gonna say it again.
“Did Brenda ask you to apologize?”
“No.”
Holland believed him. Her own sister hadn’t even apologized for stealing Holland’s no-good-for-her boyfriend. Fiancé, she reminded herself. She and Jordan had been engaged when Brenda had gotten frisky with him.
In a lot of ways, Holland could thank them for the path she was now on. She was glad she hadn’t had to break things off with Jordan only days before their wedding. Hadn’t had to explain that she didn’t really love him. Hadn’t had to tell anyone that she’d made a mistake, that she’d known all along that she’d only started dating Jordan to soothe her pain over her father’s death.
She hadn’t handled anything well during his quick fight with cancer, hadn’t been able to help him after his fall, and her self-loathing and self-blame had taken her down a deep, dark rabbit hole where Jordan had found her.
Holland drew in a deep breath and stared at the face she’d once found so alluring. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark five o’clock shadow though it was barely noon. She’d worked hard to leave the past in the past. Attended church every week to feel the Lord’s love for her and seek forgiveness for the mistakes she’d made.
And she believed Jordan could be forgiven too, even if she didn’t feel like he deserved it. Even if he hadn’t done anything to earn it.
“All right,” she said.
He nodded once and ducked back toward the huge plastic door leading back to Lisa’s room. “Come on back in,” he said. “Brenda won’t talk to you again.”
For some reason, Holland believed him. She wanted to rid herself of these caged emotions that had been infecting her for the past year, and maybe if she could make it through a meal with Brenda, that healing process could begin.
Seven increments of thirty-minutes passed before Jordan said he had to get to work. He and Brenda left, and Holland’s mother stepped out into the hall to ask when Lisa could go home. Holland tucked Lisa’s hair behind her ear. “Well, that wasn’t horrible.”
Lisa smiled up at her, but it held gallons of sadness. “Everything about the last couple of days has been horrible.”
Holland’s heart hurt for her sister. “I know, Lis. I know.” She thought of the nephew she’d never seen, and though she’d thought it better for everyone if Lisa gave him to a couple better equipped to take care of a baby, it still hurt.
Some things simply did.
“Some things simply take a lot of time to accept, to understand, to process,” she whispered. “You’ll get through this.”
“Thanks for coming,” Lisa said. “I know you didn’t want to.”
“For you, Lis, I’d go anywhere.” And Holland meant what she’d said. She thought about the words she’d sent to Elliott. She was pretty sure she’d meant those too, even if she’d called them an accident.
She pulled out her phone and looked at it. No texts. No missed calls. Had Elliott even looked at his phone? Did he even know what the last three words were that he’d said to her?
“Better go call your cowboy boyfriend,” Lisa said.
Holland flinched and dropped her hand to her side. She searched her sister’s face. “Mom told you, didn’t she?”
“I think it’s good you’re dating again.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
Lisa’s face lit up. “Of course.”
“You can’t tell Mom.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“I met him five days ago.”
Lisa just blinked at her, and Holland realized that wasn’t very scandalous, and certainly not worth keeping secret.
“He kissed me the night we met. We hadn’t even gone out.”
Now her hazel eyes sparkled. “Wow, Holland. How very unlike you.”
“There’s something about him.” Holland gazed past Lisa, toward the tiny window in the corner of the room. “Do you believe in love at first sight?” She focused back on Lisa, who wore a look halfway between pity and confusion. “It’s been…surreal.”
“Sounds like it.” Lisa shifted in bed. “I’m ready to move on the way you did. Maybe I’ll leave Idaho Falls too.”
Holland stuffed Elliott into the back of her mind. “Where would you go?”
“Anywhere,” Lisa said. “I’m only twenty-four. I can finish my aesthetics training anywhere.”
“Do it,” Holland said emphatically. “I love Mom, and she’ll be sad when you go, but there’s something about being on your own, with hardly anyone you know around.”
“You have Uncle Wallace and Aunt Wendy.”
“I hardly ever see them,” she said. “But Cecil has been a real friend.” An idea struck her like a bolt of electricity. “Go stay in California with Trudy.” Their dad’s brother’s daughter, Trudy was trying to make it in show business. “She’s always looking for a roommate. And you’d have access to a lot of people to practice your makeup and eyelashes on.”
“You know, that’s not a bad idea,” Lisa said, a true smile gracing her face for the first time since Holland had arrived.
“I’m full of good ideas,” Holland said, an old joke between the sisters. She always said it when her ideas were definitely bad and usually landed all three of them in a heap of trouble.
Lisa scoffed, the sound quickly morphing into a giggle and then a full-blown laugh. As if the past two years since their father’s death hadn’t happened, Holland and Lisa dissolved into laughter. All the pain, all the awkwardness, all the heartache was simply gone.
And Holland really needed this moment with her sister. So she held onto it, hoping she’d be able to conjure up the strength she needed to talk to Elliott.
Chapter Nine
Elliott’s phone rang as soon as Nels finished for the day. Holland.
He sent it to voicemail, his hour-long ride up the mountain during his lunch break adding time to his day. No one had said anything, but Elliott almost hoped they would so he could confess his I-love-you blunder and figure out what to do about her “accidental” text.
No matter what, he wasn’t ready to talk to her yet.
“See you tomorrow,” Nels said with a wave, a genuine look of concern on his face. Elliott returned the gesture, smiling as wide as he could, which admittedly wasn’t very wide at all.
The door closed behind Nels, and the administration lodge sat in silence. Elliott soaked it up. He normally didn’t like spending time with himself, but tonight it felt good. Normally, he didn’t like being behind walls, but tonight, they whispered soothing things to him. Normally, he didn’t just sit and do nothing, but tonight, the whole earth felt like it was spinning a little slower and he really enjoyed it.
His phone rang again, and this time it was his mother. “Mom?” he asked. “Everything okay? I was just leaving the ranch.”
“Just wondering if you’d eaten.”
“No, ma’am. Still at work.”
“I made that steak and shrimp you like.”
Elliott’s mouth watered as he thought of the sweet and spicy dish his mother had perfected over the years. “Thanks, Ma.”
“Is Holland back yet?”
“Not until tomorrow,” he managed to squeeze from his throat. He wanted to see her, talk to her. But for some reason, he didn’t want to discuss what they’d said to each other.
“See you soon,” his mom said. “Love you, son.” She hung up, and Elliott stared at the phone. He believed his mother loved him. His horse. Maybe even his friends. But for some reason, he had never believed a woman could love him. Maybe because no one ever had, and three decades of life had cemented the possibility that he wasn’t going to find “the one” for him.
But I have, he thought, remembering that electric spark that had zipped down his spine the first time he laid eyes on Holland. How everything had turned silent and still, until there was only her and him.
He recognized his feelings as fear. It was the same fear he had when Archer had come back to the cabin excited that he’d asked Emery to marry him and she’d said yes. Fear that he’d be left behind once again. Fear that he’d always be alone.
“So don’t screw this up,” he muttered to himself, pushing out as much of the fear as he could and dialing Holland.
She picked up on the first ring. “Elliott,” she said.
“I don’t really know if that text was an accident or not,” he said, launching right into things. “It doesn’t really matter, I guess. I mean, maybe it does. I don’t know. What I do know is I’ve sort of been freaking out for the past four hours, and I wish you were here so I could look into your eyes and know how you really felt.”
He took a deep breath, hoping she’d say something and save him from himself. She didn’t, so he continued with, “I didn’t mean to say ‘love you, bye.’ It sort of just slipped out. It’s what me and my family say to each other, but it was sort of awkward when I said it to you, because it’s not like you’re my sister or anything.”
“I should hope not,” Holland said, a playful lilt in her voice that relaxed Elliott.
“And now I’m going to admit something,” he said, his panic and fear combining into a terrible storm inside his chest. “I’m scared,” was all he could force out.
She gave him a few beats of silence before asking, “Of what?”
“Of this thing between us. It feels huge and all-encompassing, and I met you five days ago.” He was near to panting with how much he’d spoken and how intense his blood seemed to be streaming through his veins. “Isn’t that a little scary to you?”
“It’s a little scary,” Holland said, her voice soft and far away. He wanted her right next to him, needed to have her hand in his while they talked.
A noise behind him made him turn, and he saw Jace Lovell standing at the edge of a row of desks, watching him.
“So you come on home,” Elliott said. “And we’ll go to dinner tomorrow night, and we can talk some more.”
“Listen, Elliott, maybe we just need to slow things down a little,” she said, a bit of fear in her tone too. “That’s easy, right? Take some time to really get to know each other.”
Elliott wanted more time with her. A lot more time. So he agreed, and they ended their call.
“Holland?” Jace asked, moving around one of the desks and perching on it.
“Yeah.” Elliott nodded several times, his gaze falling to his phone. “We—it’s—well, I sort of freaked out today.”
“And rode Precious up the mountain. I know.”
He got up, hoping he wasn’t breaking some sort of girlfriend confidentiality thing. He just needed some help. Someone wiser than him to advise him. “She sent me this text late last night.” He tilted the phone so Jace could see it. “She said it was an accident.” He looked at the owner of the ranch, who was married with one child and another one on the way.
Jace looked right back at him. “Maybe it was.”
“Why would she even type that?”
“Maybe she just wanted to see how it felt to type it.” Jace crossed his arms. “Women aren’t like men, Elliott. They think about things we don’t think about. Plan their weddings when they’re thirteen years old. Holland probably has a fantastical view of how her husband will look on their wedding day, and what kind of dress she’ll be wearing, and when you two will tell each other you love each other for the first time.”
Elliott could barely keep up with what Jace was saying. “Really?”
Jace smiled in a kind way. “Really. Just ask Belle. We had to wait months to get married so she could have the dress she wanted flown in from New York.”
All Elliott could do was blink. “Wow. I had no idea.”
“Women aren’t like men. Repeat that several times a day.” Jace clapped him on the shoulder. “You’ll make it past this crisis of faith.” He started toward the door. “C’mon now. You’ve gotta get down to dinner.”
Elliott followed Jace out of the building, repeating women aren’t like men every couple of steps.
He pulled up to Holland’s house the following evening, his stomach an angry nest of red ants. She’d texted a few times the previous night and again this morning when she got on the road. That was it. Nothing excessive. No more I love you’s.
She opened the door before he even made it to the steps, and he was rendered weak with the mere sight of her. Everything he’d felt for her rushed at him, and he couldn’t help grinning at her.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” He climbed the steps and took her in his arms, just like that. Easy. Fun. Light.
Why hadn’t he felt like this when she was gone? The fear he’d experienced had evaporated, like it had never existed. He wasn’t sure what mind tricks he’d played on himself. What he was sure of was that he liked Holland a whole lot.
He kissed her, a growl starting deep in his throat. She held onto him as she kissed him back, and it was like there were no accidental texts or weird comments said at the end of a phone call.
“This isn’t exactly slowing down,” she whispered in his ear, sending a cascade of sparks along his skin.
“No, it’s not,” he said, backing up and rededicating himself to taking things a little slower. “I want to hear all about your sisters, your mom, the trip. Everything.” He tucked her hand in his and led her down the steps to his truck.
She started talking, and Elliott listened. “You’ll never believe what I saw on the freeway today,” she said. “There was this dog strapped to the top of the car.” She swiped and tapped on her phone, finally turning it toward him. “Yeah, I took that while I was driving.”
He peered at the white, definitely dog-shaped item on top of the SUV. “This can’t be real.”
“It was a stuffed animal.” Holland giggled and looked at her phone. “But it looked so real. For a few seconds, I seriously thought it was a real dog.”
He laughed with her and enjoyed the stories she told about her mom and sisters. They made it through ordering and eating by the time she finished. “So things are better?” he asked.
“A little b
etter.” She smiled and leaned her face into her hands. “I mean, they’re not perfect, but they’re better. I don’t want to go back to Idaho Falls or anything.”
“Of course not.” He grinned at her. “You want to walk for a few minutes?”
She nodded and they left his truck at the restaurant in favor of strolling down the street. With October right around the corner, the wind had turned cold, causing Elliott to turn up the collar on his jacket and press his hat firmly onto his head.
“So about us,” she said.
“What about us?” He tightened his grip on her shoulder, keeping her close to his side.
“We’re okay?”
“I’m great,” he said. He was, only because having her here was better than trying to figure out what she meant in a text.
“When I’m ready to say those words to you, Elliott, I’ll say them.” She stepped in front of him. “Not in a text.” She examined his face, looking for something. He wasn’t sure what it was, so he didn’t know how to give it to her.
“And I won’t say it flippantly on the phone,” he assured her. “Okay?”
She searched for a moment longer and then nodded. “Okay.”
The conversation moved to something else, and Elliott dropped her off an hour later—a passionate kiss against her front door included. Just because they were going slower didn’t mean he couldn’t kiss her goodnight.
A week passed where he only saw Holland when she came to work with his father. That was comfortable too, and he needed the time to settle into his new job, learn more about her, untangle his own feelings. The snow started the following week, and Elliott only went down to town to check on his father twice.
By Halloween, more snow had fallen than Gold Valley’s usual, and no one was leaving the ranch in the evenings. Too slick, or the visibility was too bad, or a winter storm warning had been issued.
So Elliott had retreated to texts. He and Holland could “talk” all night long about his new cabin mate who snored and left his clothes on the bathroom floor.
