by Mike Wild
"So — I'm told I have a sister I never knew about," he said, blatantly looking her up and down. "Seems you got the genes I didn't. Nice. Very nice."
"Thanks. But I hear incest makes your bits shrivel and die, so I'd keep your hands off if I were you. The name's Kali Hooper. I'm here on business."
Pim sucked his teeth and spat a piece of gristle across the room. "Figured you might be. But as I have no shortage of business of my own, why should I have an interest in yours? What, in fact, stops me having you killed right here, right now?"
"Because you run a thieves guild, not an assassins guild. You'd need a good reason to bump me off and so far I haven't given you one."
"No," Pim said, lecherously, "more's the pity." He waved a hand at her striped tights and furs. "I could, of course, consider your current outfit a capital crime."
"Yes, well, that's a long story." Without being invited, Kali grabbed Pim's knife, stabbed a piece of meat and bit it off the blade. "Come on, Pim — aren't you just a little bit curious why I risked coming here?"
Pim took a swig of his wine, studied her, smiled. "Let's stick with mildly stimulated. Very well, you have a minute. How can the Grey Brigade be of service to you?"
"I need your help. To break in somewhere."
Pim pulled a face. "Oh, Miss Hooper, after so much promise you disappoint me. Pretty lass like you, what is it? Heard you can recruit some of my people to do an ex-lover's house? Perhaps empty his strongbox of compromising documents?"
"Actually, no, I need to do the job myself. And it's the League of Prestidigitation and Prestige."
Pim spluttered on the wine he'd just consumed, stared at her incredulously. "The League?" he repeated. He laughed out loud, and then with a bouncing of his palms invited the others in the room to join him in his jollity, which they duly did. "Bubbling pits of Kerberos, woman, that's impossible."
"Nonetheless — "
"Nonetheless, nothing. It's bloody suicide. Have you any idea what kind of traps are in there? Those sorcerous psychopaths have wired the place with every kind of thread threat you can imagine, and more. There are things that'll fry you, things that'll crush you, things that'll drown you, things that'll make your heart go boom." Pim slumped into his chair and swigged from his wine again. "Listen to me — only three men in the entire history of our guild have tried the towers. The first we found flapping around with his bones gone, the second was last seen ascending to Kerberos before he died, and the third came back in a bottle no bigger than this one." Pim shook the wine bulb he held. "No chance. Go home, girl. Go home."
Kali stayed where she was and folded her arms. "Actually, it isn't just the towers I need to gain access to, it's the Forbidden Archive itself."
This time Pim did not splutter. But he did stare and then quaff a mouthful of wine so hard that Kali heard him gulp and swallow it down.
"The Forbidden Archive," he repeated slowly. He turned to one of his lieutenants. "Kris Jayhinch, please give the lady a razor to slash her throat with — save herself some time."
"What's the matter, Pim? Too much of a challenge for you? Maybe I should take my request down to the Skeleton Quays, tell the guilds there you were too lily-livered to handle it."
The thieves guild leader's eyes flared darkly for a second. The mention of the Grey Brigade's rival guilds had the effect Kali desired, Pim knowing full well that a loss of reputation was what no guild could afford.
"They would likely tell you the same as I," he said, contemplatively, "but then they are desperate enough to take your business." He rubbed his chin, considering. "I must be mad," he sighed before sucking in a deep breath. "Miss Hooper, do you have any experience of our noble art?"
"If by noble art you mean taking other people's property without their permission, I guess I do, but not in the way you mean."
Pim rose, handing Kali the bulb of wine. "I'll tell you what — there's a little test I have devised for new recruits, and I want you to take it. If you pass, you'll have my help. If you fail, well… I'll think of something appropriate."
Kali took a swig of the wine. "Mister Pim, you've got yourself a deal."
The mention of the test sparked the interest of everyone in the room and, as the thieves guild leader guided Kali through to another chamber, the pair acquired a small entourage of eager spectators. The room into which she was led was larger even than the ballroom — what looked to have been the hotel's reception area — but it had been converted from its original use to function as some kind of obstacle course-cum-training area for the guild. Various vaulthorses, gymnast rings, nets and other paraphernalia had been secured about its edges along with a number of racks containing exotic thieves' tools, but what drew Kali's attention was a small iron cage suspended from the centre of the ceiling, high above the floor. Hanging from a single chain, there was nothing near it and no obvious means to reach it — but Kali guessed that was exactly what Pim's test would require her to do.
"I see you're ahead of me," Pim said, staring up as she did. "The positioning of the cage is an approximation of the high-security containment for Bojangle's Baleful Bells, currently on display in the museum of Scholten. I have stolen them twice, returning them each time so that I might try again — what I like to consider a professional challenge. Said bells are not, of course, present here, merely a personal souvenir of sentimental value, but you should consider it a treasure of equal scarcity. Retrieve it for me and we will talk."
Kali nodded and walked forwards until she stood directly beneath the cage, craning her neck to look up.
"I have to inform you," Pim continued, "that to date not one of my would-be apprentices has managed this feat. Luckily for you, it is not success or failure that I will judge — only the originality of the methods employed in the attempt."
"A-ha," Kali said, not really listening.
"Please feel free to utilise any of the equipment in this room, and any of our tools to be at your disposal. There is a fine selection of gripgloves, pinshoes or spidersocks over here. Some even prefer the jumping jacks…"
"Okay," Kali said. Pim would have regretted turning his back to point out the selection because at that moment she was pulling off her tights.
"There is even a slight possibility of success with the…"
Tights off, Kali crammed the wine bubble she still carried into the toe of one leg, crouched, took in a few huffing breaths and then leapt, straight up. One arm outstretched above her, teeth gritted, she rose two and a half times her height, straight as an arrow, and then flicked the weighted end of the tights through the bars of the cage, grabbing it as it came out and dropped down the other side. Allowing the elasticity of the tights to drop her back down to the floor, she bounced with them, once, twice, three times, then sailed upwards to grab the base of the cage with a grunt. Swinging her legs up, she flipped herself over so that she was sitting on top of the cage, slid her arm in through the bars to retrieve the souvenir, then dropped it towards the floor. That done, she quickly wrapped the tights about herself, rolled down inside them like some carnival gymnast, flipping herself with a neat twist as she neared the floor, and then settled as lightly as a feather right in front of Pim.
The thieves guild leader stared at her through the dancer's tassel now draped over his head. Kali noticed it was labelled PROPERTY OF HELLS' BELLIES. Meanwhile, someone at the back of the room snickered.
"Original enough for you?" Kali said.
Pim coughed and, after a second, coughed again. "I don't know how you did that but you pass, Miss Hooper." He stared down at her now-bared legs. "By the gods," he breathed, "I could use someone like you on my team."
"Sorry, I work alone," Kali said, smiling. "Now, about your help. The Forbidden Archive. How the hells do I get in?"
Pim stared at her, knowing that, his agreement witnessed, he had no choice but to concede to her request. He nodded and led Kali back to the ballroom, but this time to a large table lain with maps and plans of all kinds. The pile reminded Kali of her capt
ain's chest back home and, as was the case with her own papers regarding places that seemed too much of a challenge, Pim found what he was after buried right at the bottom of the pile. He swept away the less challenging plans to reveal a set of architectural drawings that looked to have been there for years, but that didn't matter because what they showed had not changed.
It was the inner workings of the League of Prestidigitation and Prestige.
Pim slammed a gloopy bottle on the corner of the document to keep it flat, and Kali wondered if it contained the remains of the Three Towers' last victim, perhaps kept as a reminder of the difficulty of the task at hand. He traced the confused patterns of lines on the paper — standard builders' marks and strange swirls that had to denote magical input — with his finger, frowning, remembering. "Big John Sinclair went in here… Hamish the Pumps here, and Nimble Neil Halliwell," his finger made a circle and stabbed down "right here. As I said, none returned. At least, not in their original condition."
"So we can safely assume that whatever traps took them down are still in place in those areas," Kali said. "That could be an advantage — knowing what to expect."
Pim drew in a sharp breath, shook his head. "You might know the what of them, but not the where or when. Whatever did for them did for them quickly, and the trigger could be anything — weight, motion, sweat, breath, noise…"
"Difficult to counter all of those," Kali observed. She studied the plans, the bridges that connected the towers, what appeared to be the location of the Forbidden Archive in the third tower, then lowered her own finger. "What about this conduit here?"
Pim smiled. "You have a good eye for possibility. That was exactly what I was going to suggest to you. Its purpose isn't specified on the plans but from what we can tell it's some kind of alchemical dump shaft that empties into the sewers — dangerous but potentially difficult to trap as any waste potions might have, shall we say, unforeseen side effects on the thaumaturgical triggers. But there's a problem — the laboratories dump their waste regularly, every half an hour. The length of that conduit, you'd need to move fast. Very fast."
"All those wands, you'd think they'd just make the waste disappear," Kali sighed. "All right, fast I can do. Question is, will it get me safely inside?"
Pim traced the conduit's route. "See for yourself. Once through the conduit you'll be inside their perimeter defences. I don't know what you'll find after that but, with luck, you should be able to reach the stairs to the third tower."
"Any guards to worry about? Patrols?"
"Trust me, this place doesn't need them. It's deadly, how many times do I need to tell you that? So I ask you again — are you sure you want to do this?"
"Mister Pim," Kali said seriously, "I really don't have any choice."
For once, Jengo Pim stared nowhere but at her eyes, and, whatever the thieves guild leader saw there, a new note of respect crept into his voice. "Fine," he said, handing her the plans from the table. "Take these in case you need them — it's meant to be a maze in there. Also take whatever equipment and tools you think you'll need for the job. There's just one other thing. Kris Jayhinch goes with you."
Kali stared at Pim's lieutenant. "What? No chance."
"Every chance, Miss Hooper. If you succeed in this suicide mission — which I seriously doubt — then the Grey Brigade gets a share of the loot you find."
"I'm not after loot. I'm after information."
"Then there'll be all the more loot for us." He gestured to Jayhinch. "There is no discussion in this matter — take Kris with you or you do not leave."
Kali sighed heavily. "Fine. But I lead and he follows. And he looks after his own back."
Pim nodded. In truth it was Jayhinch looking after her back that for some inexplicable reason had become his greater concern. "Understood." He waved his arm to indicate the equipment racks. "Now, is there anything you need?"
Kali pursed her lips, remembering Orlana Dawn at the Spiral of Kos. "You wouldn't, by any chance, have one of those dark silk bodysuits?" she said.
Kali and Jayhinch left after dark, negotiating alleyways doubly shadowed by the night's azure gloom, until they came to a sewer entrance beneath the looming towers. Jayhinch pulled back a cover with a grating sound, then staggered back coughing as the area was suffused with a cloying and unnatural stench. What materials made up the stench Kali had no idea, but whatever they were they made the hole before them pulsate with an array of colours that looked considerably less than healthy.
There was a flushing sound that began high above them and, giving it a little time to clear, Pim's lieutenant gestured for Kali to drop inside the hole. "Twenty nine and a half minutes," he said. "You did say you wanted to go first?"
Kali did, manoeuvring her landing to avoid a rainbow sludge that was evidently the result of the purge from the towers, then a half-splash from behind her signalled that Jayhinch had joined her not so successfully in the mire. Wiping something that fizzed like acid from his boot, he then moved with her to a grate at the sewer's end — a grate smeared with the thicker contents of discarded experiments from above. Avoiding contact, the pair prised it away with disgust, and then began to climb a conduit that rose upwards, aware that they had just entered the Three Towers' outer wall. The knowledge made them move with increased caution but, however cautious they were, there was no way to prevent what happened next.
Kali wasn't sure what alerted her to the danger, whether it was some slight click or a subtle disturbance in the air, but something did — though unfortunately all she had time to do was shout a warning and then throw herself down. Kris Jayhinch was not as quick.
There was a whooshing crack and Kali kept her head low while whatever threat accompanied the noise passed. She heard an agonised cry and then an odd crackling sound that chilled her to the bone.
She turned to look back. Jayhinch was exactly where he had been a moment before but he would not be accompanying her any further. Arms outstretched towards her, eyes staring blankly and mouth wide in a silent scream, the now grey-coloured lieutenant blocked the conduit as still as a statue.
And with good reason. Pim had evidently been wrong about there being no traps here.
Kris Jayhinch had been turned to solid stone.
Chapter Twelve
Kali blew out a long breath to calm herself, fully aware of how Jayhinch's fate could so easily have been her own. The unwanted thieves guild companion Jengo had thrust upon her had proved himself useful, yes, but in a way she would never have asked for, never have desired.
A gorgon trap was no way for anyone to go. The invidious magic could perhaps be thought merciful if it caused petrification in an instant, but Kali had heard that sometimes it took the internal organs — and most perversely the brain — as long as a day to fully turn to stone.
One minute in, one man dead — or as near as made no difference. That kind of put the Three Towers' quagmire cards on the table. No — it slammed them down with all the arrogant confidence of a winning bogflush, in fact. Suddenly the Three Towers seemed less of an entertaining, professional challenge and more the indiscriminating deathtrap that the thieves guild leader had threatened it would be. From here on in, if she didn't want to share Jayhinch's fate, she was really going to have to watch her step.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly to his immobile form, trying not to notice how a section of his skull — almost scalpless as a result of the lethally traumatic magic — remained as yet unpetrified and glistening, a bloody reminder of the man he'd been only moments before. She stared into his agonised, frozen eyes, wondering if Jayhinch heard her inadequate words, and then turned and continued on alone.
She didn't get far before the next of the defences hit. She experienced a sensation almost like a swoon, and then suddenly the conduit seemed to stretch away endlessly ahead of her, wavering slightly in her vision. Kali craned her neck and looked behind her, seeing that the conduit stretched into the distance that way, too, seemingly without end. But something was clearly wro
ng with the picture — apart from the fact she knew she hadn't crawled that far, the remains of Jayhinch were nowhere to be seen along its yawning length. It was also obvious to her that what she saw could not be real because the Three Towers, individually or as a whole, were simply not that expansive.
The sight that met her eyes, therefore, had to be some kind of illusion. An infinity illusion. But she couldn't see the point of such a trap. Any intruder who made it this far was unlikely to be dissuaded from progressing further as they'd know what they saw wasn't real, so why bother unless -
Unless it was a delaying tactic, meant to confuse while -
Kali's mind raced, wondering which way to go. Her natural inclination in such close confines would be to flatten against the floor as she had not long before, but the mages of the Three Towers clearly liked to play, to twist things, and dropping to the floor seemed wrong — wrong! Instead, she slammed her hands and feet against the conduit walls and with a grunt quickly heaved herself up above the floor, hoping to hells she'd made the right choice. At the exact moment she did a wave of ice hurtled towards her from along the conduit, turning the metal beneath her blue-white and sizzling and cracking it with cold. Limbs trembling with the effort it took to keep herself suspended, Kali hung above it, swallowing as she watched her breath condense into crystals over the super-chilled metal only a few inches below. The cold was spreading up the curve of the conduit, too — she could feel it in her palms, and, if she didn't let go soon, she'd be bonded to the metal so badly the only way to break the grip would be to rip the flesh off her palms.
Thankfully, the magically generated ice vanished as quickly as it had appeared, presumably because its job, for those with slower reactions, would have been done. Kali lowered herself back to the conduit floor with a groan, rubbing her palms to restore circulation to the throbbing skin, then did the same to her nose to alleviate a touch of frostbite.
