I stared at him for a second before it sank in. "No! Loren, no, it's not about that at all. I'm not wanting to go out with tons of guys or anything like that. Not any guys." I shook my head. "I don't want anybody but... but you."
He rubbed his forehead. "I'm trying, but I don't get this. If you want to be with me, and I want to be with you, then what's the problem?"
I tried with every last drop of my energy to convince myself there was no problem. My gut knew better, though, and I had to say, "I'm just not ready." I looked into his eyes, my heart twisting at the sadness there. "I so wish I was, but I'm not. I need to be myself for a while before I can really be with someone else. I've heard it'll take me seven years to be over Alex." My stomach tightened, feeling strangely empty and cold, at the thought. Seven years. "I hope not, but I do need some time. Serious time."
"I'll wait for you."
I had to fight back a sob. "Oh, Loren. You're killing me. You deserve so much better than waiting around for me to figure things out."
He pushed back his chair and stood beside the table. "I couldn't do better than you." He cupped my face in both hands, then bent down to give me the sweetest and most beautiful kiss I could ever imagine. "We'll always have that," he said softly when his lips left mine. "You and me, in the rain."
I couldn't hold back the tears then. My last kiss for ages, maybe even forever, from the best man I'd ever know.
He brushed a tear from my cheek. "I'll see you upstairs. I'll be professional, I promise. We'll be fine working together."
I watched him walk away, then wiped my eyes and sat finishing my coffee and trying to recapture the certainty I'd felt the night before. I'd done the right thing, hadn't I? It felt terrible, but it was right. Wasn't it?
I decided that it was. I hated it, but I needed the time alone. Maybe someday we'd be able to be together, but for now I needed to be single, be Andrea not part of Lorenandandrea. We'd go back to being friends and colleagues and everything would be fine.
Chapter Forty-Three
It wasn't fine. Not even close.
Seeing him every day hurt more than I could have imagined. He was as good as his word, staying completely professional and almost never letting me see his feelings for me. I caught him sometimes, though, watching me at meetings when he thought I wouldn't notice, and the emotion in his eyes stabbed me in the heart every time. I knew how he felt, even when he wasn't showing it, and I felt the same way and I hated it. But I couldn't be with him either. It was tearing me apart.
After a week of agonizing work sessions and crying myself to sleep every night, I got an email from Anna asking me to meet her in the coffee shop. Surprised, I went, and was shocked to be offered my old job back.
"We should never have listened to Tina," she said, staring down at the table. "You'd been perfectly reliable for years and I should have known you hadn't changed. We'd love to have you back on the team."
Tina's disastrous performance at the conference could only have made me look amazing by comparison, and no doubt the award Loren and I had won had influenced Anna too. It was awfully tempting. Back to the job I'd given up, away from Loren's pain and the clearly uncomprehending head shakes my new coworkers kept giving me over my refusal to date him. Back to where I'd been.
My stomach felt empty and cold despite the hot chocolate I was drinking. I'd been listening hard to myself since I broke up with Loren, trying to learn to trust my gut as Mark had suggested, even testing it by trying to choose between two things and seeing what seemed to fit me best. I was beginning to learn my signals, and this one did not mean I was on the right track. "Anna, let me think about it, okay? I'll email you tomorrow."
She blinked, obviously having expected me to jump at the chance to come back, but said, "Of course."
She left, and I sat drinking my hot chocolate and thinking. It hurt to see Loren. I also knew it would hurt not to see him. I wasn't sure which would be worse.
Did I want to go back to DataSource, to Anna and Gary and the knowledge that they'd thrown aside their years of knowing me for a few weeks of Tina's lies? Yes, Anna had admitted she'd made a mistake, but she hadn't acknowledged how badly it had hurt me, not just professionally but personally, to be treated that way. I wanted her to, I realized, wanted her to care.
Dana cared. She hadn't said anything to me about Loren but I knew she knew and I could tell she was sad for us. I'd never had a boss who cared as much as she did, and though she was probably certifiably insane she was also the best boss I'd ever had.
I won't go back to DataSource.
I waited for my body's reaction. My stomach settled down immediately. All right.
I will leave my current job, though.
Cold and empty made their reappearance.
I drummed my fingers on the table. Really? Sure, I'd lose Dana as a boss, but there were other great bosses out there. And it'd be so much easier not to see Loren.
My stomach didn't agree, apparently.
I'll stay.
It liked that one.
I shook my head. Could my gut be wrong? Why would staying, seeing Loren every day, be better for me than leaving?
My stomach didn't have words to answer that one, but there was no doubt it believed it.
I sighed.
"Andrea?"
I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. "Hi."
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Of course." I pushed out a chair with my foot so Loren could sit down.
Our eyes met and we sat in silence, just taking each other in, for one perfect moment.
Then he shattered it. "I'm leaving the group."
I tried to form various words but none of them came out. Finally I managed, "Really?"
He nodded. "Dana's got a friend on the tenth floor who needs another analyst, and I'm transferring up there. I just think it'll be easier."
I cupped my hands over my mouth and spoke through them. "I'm so sorry." I dropped my hands to the table so he'd be sure to hear me say, "You shouldn't have to leave. You've been there for ages and it's been great for you. I should be the one to go."
My stomach twisted but I ignored it. It wasn't fair any other way.
Loren shook his head. "Actually, I think I need a change. It's not you." He gave me a wry smile. "Okay, a lot of it's you. But I have been there for ages, and I want to shake things up a little. I think it's time."
I'd wondered whether seeing him or not seeing him would hurt more. Looking at him now, imagining my days without him, I felt sure I knew. "When?" I cleared my throat. "When will you be going?"
Those gorgeous eyes sweet and soft and sad, he said, "I asked to leave as soon as possible. Tomorrow's my last day."
*****
Sitting calmly at Loren's goodbye party was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Though he'd said he needed a change, I knew he was mostly leaving the group because of me and I felt terrible about it. Knowing I wouldn't be seeing him any more felt even worse, and knowing if I'd just been ready none of this would have happened made me want to run screaming from the conference room.
Dana had brought a cake, and we sat around chatting for about half an hour at the end of the day, studiously not mentioning Loren's departure. Even though it was a party for him and we all knew it, nobody seemed to want to acknowledge why we were there.
Eventually, though, Dana sighed and said, "We'll miss you, Loren. Things won't be the same without you."
She had that right, to be sure. I didn't feel like anything would ever be the same again.
He smiled at her. "I'll miss you too. All of you." His smile faded. "I should head out now, though. Dad's caretaker needs to leave right on time today."
My heart started to race. Don't go, please.
My coworkers all hugged him, even Jay giving him an awkward back-slapping one, then Dana grabbed him and squeezed him tight. She whispered something to him, and he whispered something back and she hugged him even harder. Then she released him and he stood alone.
Looking at me.
If we'd had an audience of thousands I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself, so a few coworkers didn't even register. This was the last time I'd get to touch him, the last time I'd feel those arms around me, and I was moving toward him before I consciously decided to go.
He came forward, meeting me halfway, and folded me into his embrace, and I held on and fought hard not to cry. He felt so perfect. Why, why couldn't I be ready?
But even though the pain of his leaving, I knew I wasn't. I couldn't see him all the time and still become who I was meant to be.
What about some time, though? Couldn't I see him every other day or something?
Hope flared through me but I crushed it. How could I ask him to see me on a schedule and then ignore him the rest of the time? What kind of relationship would that be?
My stomach and heart churning at losing him, I squeezed him even tighter, and I felt him do the same. Then his lips brushed my forehead and he whispered, "Take care."
"You too," I managed to choke out, then I had to let him go.
He stepped back further, as if afraid he'd grab me again. "Well. Bye, guys."
"Bye," everyone echoed, while I stood silent and let my eyes take him in one last time, then he turned and left the room.
After a brief silence, Wendy turned to me. "You okay?"
I pressed my fingers to my lips so I wouldn't scream for Loren to come back, and shook my head. I was so far from okay I couldn't see it from where I was.
Dana put her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I thought you guys could make it work."
The others stood looking at me in silent sympathy, and though I appreciated their concern it was tearing me up inside. I pulled in a deep shuddering breath, praying I wouldn't start sobbing. "I wish we could."
"Isn't there..."
Everyone turned to look at Jay. He flushed but said, "He obviously likes you, and you like him, right? So I don't get it."
I'd never be able to explain it to him. Loren had barely understood it, and we were far more attuned to each other than Jay and I could ever be. "It won't work."
"But--"
"I can't do this. I just can't. Please stop."
The raw pain in my voice startled us all to silence. I'd never heard myself sound that way, but then I'd never felt that way either. Not even Alex's departure, either of his departures, had left me feeling like I'd been shredded inside, like half my soul had been torn out.
Jay nodded. "Sorry. Didn't mean to--"
"It's okay. It's not your fault." And it wasn't.
"Maybe we should get back to work, or at least pack up to go home," Dana said softly. Everyone nodded and left, no doubt glad to escape my emotions.
Everyone except Wendy.
Dana patted me on the head as she left, and I had to smile. When Wendy and I were alone, I said, "Does she think I'm a puppy?"
"She might," Wendy said. "You never know with her. Look, how can I help?"
I didn't have a clue. "It's so hard, you know? I do like him. I like him a lot. I think he's perfect for me. But I'm not ready to be with him. Or anyone."
She nodded slowly. "Then you have to run with that. When you know what's right for you, don't back down. It doesn't work."
By her last words the pain in her voice rivaled what I'd felt earlier, and I put my own issues aside. "What's wrong? Is it..." I didn't want to assume Alex was her problem.
I might as well have. "Alex is apparently modeling himself after Henry now. I hate it, and..." She rubbed her forehead. "To be honest, I think I'm starting to hate him. But that damned party is in a week and I can't dump him now. I know I'm not supposed to be with him, I can even imagine my perfect man and he so isn't Alex, but I can't go to that party alone. And I hate that I know what I should do and I don't have the guts. You're so doing the right thing."
I sighed. "Even though it's killing me and Loren?"
She considered this, then nodded again. "Yeah. Even though. Because when you know what's right you have to do it. I just wish I could."
"You will. After the party."
She grimaced. "Will I? Or will I find another excuse not to?"
"Think of your perfect man. That'll do it."
She gave me a weak smile. "I doubt he exists."
"Let's pretend he does. Tell me about him."
She raised an eyebrow.
"We both need cheering up. Make with the perfect man already." No need to describe mine, she already knew him.
"Oh, fine." She shut her eyes. "Physically I don't care that much, but I do like them tall and at least somewhat cute. I like blonds too, obviously since I went after Alex, but that's not a requirement or anything."
Mark, tall and blond and definitely cute, flashed into my mind. "Good start. What else?"
Eyes still closed, she sighed. "You know in those old movies, how... chivalrous the guys are? I would so love a bit of that. I don't need a knight in shining armor or any of that. Just a good decent man. And elegant, you know? A classy man. There are no classy men left."
There might be one. And I'd make sure he met Wendy. Then maybe at least my friends would be happy.
Chapter Forty-Four
I called Mark that night, only to learn he was on his way out the door for a business trip.
"Bummer, I wanted you to meet my friend Wendy."
He chuckled. "If she's anything like you, I want to meet her too. Back in a week, okay? I'll call you, and maybe we can all get together on the weekend."
"Sounds good."
And he was gone, leaving me to my own devices. Whatever those were.
I took a long hot bath and cried through most of it, then dried my body and my tears. I'd been crying and miserable for too long. I'd left Loren so I could live my life instead. No more tears. Time to go live it.
I went to Tim Hortons for a coffee, not wanting to go to Starbucks where I had so many memories of Loren, and made a list of activities I'd like to try. Then I started trying them.
I went horseback riding Saturday afternoon since I'd never been, and though my thighs and butt were so sore I was nearly unable to sit down for days after I did enjoy it, although I didn't so much enjoy trying to bellydance with an aching lower half.
While my body was recovering, I took a Sunday morning seminar at the yarn store on spinning my own yarn and soon had a ball of lumpy purple yarn I'd created myself. I made equally lumpy fingerless mitts from it, and though calling them homely would be charitable I loved them.
I contacted the woman I'd met walking her cat, and she came over with Big Buck and helped me get Harrison used to a harness. He took to it quickly, and the two cats got along surprisingly well so the four of us went for coffee at a cat-friendly shop she knew and sat chatting and enjoying the praise our well-behaved cats got from the other patrons. We agreed to go every few weeks, and her "I'm so glad you called" had the ring of truth to it. I'd made another new friend.
Randomly picking books from the bookstore and library shelves, I read books by authors I'd never heard of about topics I'd never thought would interest me, and was surprised to discover I enjoyed horror novels. I hated the movies but liked the books. No idea why, but I did. I liked them so much I even joined a Sunday morning horror-reading group. My first session with them was great, so I bought their next few reading selections and was soon gleefully scaring myself at every opportunity.
The 'shoe guy', Tom, had emailed me back to say he definitely wanted to give me a pair of boots but the ones I liked were out of stock, but a few days after Loren left the group he emailed again to say he now had a pair for me. I asked him to let me see them, and also named ten other pairs on his site that seemed possible. He suggested we meet at Starbucks, and I agreed reluctantly since I'd have to go there sometime, then he stood outside his car and watched as I sat on the driver's seat in my brown skirt and top and tried on all eleven pairs of boots.
Despite his good-natured teasing, I took my time and tried various pairs more than once unti
l I was sure I loved the original pair I'd asked for. They hugged my legs and didn't pinch my feet anywhere, and I felt strong and sexy walking around his car in them. I'd be wearing them a lot, I could already tell.
"They do look great with that skirt," he said as I helped him pack the others away. "They were definitely made for you. But you tried them first, you know. We could be inside drinking hot chocolate by now if you'd gone with them right away."
"But now I know they're right, because I tried all the possibilities." My stomach twinged cold and empty and I wondered why then realized I hadn't eaten for a while. "But I do like the sound of some hot chocolate."
We went in, my new heels clicking assertively on the tile floor, and Tom insisted on buying our drinks and a cookie each. After chatting for a while, he asked me if I had a boyfriend then asked me to go out for dinner with him.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested in dating at the moment."
As I spoke I realized he might say he hadn't been trying to date me, but I knew he had and he didn't bother pretending. "I'm sorry to hear that. If you change your mind, let me know."
I smiled. If I changed my mind, Tom would not be the first man I told, but I didn't think he needed to know that. "Thank you for the boots. They're great."
"They look terrific on you."
"They feel even better." They did too, so comfortable they really might have been made just for me. "I think I have finally found my perfect fit."
He grinned and handed me a stack of his business cards. "Tell all your friends, okay?"
"You got it," I said, and we spent another hour chatting before I had to go feed Harrison.
The musical theater group was starting up again, and David had emailed us all for suggestions for a fun outing before the work began. I'd checked my list of things I wanted to try and suggested laser tag, and to my shock I turned out to be a pretty accurate shot. Since I was also a small target, I racked up the best kill/death ratio and George nicknamed me 'Sniper', which was soon being used by the entire group despite my mock protests.
A Life That Fits Page 22
