GUILTY PLEASURE (STEELE FAMILY Book 13)

by Brenda Jackson

  Dee rolled her eyes. “Too bad. Your brother had his chance with me. I’m tired of him sending mixed signals. Typical man.”

  “Honestly, I’m not sure there’s anything typical about this situation. At least not for Cohen. Where you’re concerned, I’m positive it’s more than the age thing.”

  Dee lifted a brow. “Then what is it?”

  “I truly don’t know.”

  Dee shrugged. “I told you what I thought.”

  “What? That he doesn’t find you attractive enough? That’s baloney. In fact, I think he found you way too attractive last night. I don’t recall ever seeing him so upset.”

  Stacey’s words should have given her hope, but they didn’t. Cohen wanted her, but he didn’t want to love her. That wasn’t enough for her. She wanted to be wanted, to be loved. Was that too much to ask for? Evidently, it was when it came to Cohen Carlson.

  Deciding to change the subject, Dee asked, “So, what do you have planned for today?”

  “Eden invited us over to help her get ready for the big Memorial Day cookout tomorrow. She makes a big deal of it every year. I hope you don’t mind tagging along to help.”

  Dee smiled. “No, I don’t mind, at all. It sounds like fun.”

  **

  “I’m glad you decided to come with me to the folks’ house, today,” Tyson Steele said as he turned down the road that would take them to his parents’ home. “Mom’s going to feed you, then she’ll put you to work getting all that patio furniture out of storage. Hunter’s been here most of the day helping with the decorations. And I’m sure Stacey is here as well.”

  “I don’t mind helping out,” Cohen said, fighting to keep his voice from betraying the turmoil going on inside of him. He’d been worked up ever since he’d learned that Dee wouldn’t be leaving Phoenix until Tuesday. So if Stacey was here, Dee probably was, too.

  When Tyson pulled into his parents’ driveway, Cohen wasn’t surprised to see all the vehicles already parked there. Since this was Memorial Day weekend, a lot of Tyson’s out-of-town relatives had opted to stay in town until Tuesday.

  After the basketball game--which the Phoenix Steeles had won--Cohen had gone back to his hotel to shower. Thoughts of Dee had been running through his mind the entire time. Tyson must have thought he would change his mind about going to the party, because he’d volunteered to swing by the hotel and pick him up. So here he was, within moments of seeing Dee again. The thought had his stomach doing summersaults.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  He glanced over at Tyson, who was bringing the car to a stop. “Yeah, man, I’m fine.”

  “I know you said what’s bothering you is personal, but if you ever want to talk about it, let me know.”

  He nodded slowly. “I will.”

  They got out of the vehicle and were instantly overwhelmed by the sound of loud, raucous voices from inside the house. “That’s Donovan and Morgan. I guess they’re not very good losers,” Tyson said, chuckling.

  Donovan and Morgan Steele were Tyson’s cousins from North Carolina. “Sounds like it,” Cohen agreed.

  The minute they walked into Tyson’s parents’ home, Cohen saw Dee. To be honest, they saw each other at the same time. And what seemed like a lightning bolt of desire hit him, nearly knocking him off his feet. She looked damn good. Her short, curly hair cut was starting to grow on him. It suited her face. And the shorts and tank top she was wearing definitely suited her figure.

  “You okay?”

  He broke eye contact with Dee to glance over at Tyson. His best friend was too astute for his own good. Instead of giving Tyson a yes or no answer, he said, “I need a cold beer.” He really could have used something stronger, but beer would have to do for now.

  Tyson chuckled. “Follow me.”

  Cohen had been to Tyson’s parents’ home often enough to know that Tyson was leading him down to the basement. But this was no ordinary basement. It was what Tyson and his brothers liked to refer to as their parents’ hideout. There was a huge wall-to-wall cooler packed with all kinds of drinks, including beer and wine, a theater room, a guest bedroom, a dance floor--since the older Steeles enjoyed dancing—a his and hers spa, an exercise room, two huge bathrooms and a kitchenette.

  Before they could reach the stairs, they were stopped by a number of people who congratulated them on their win. “You should feel lucky that we included you on the winning team,” Tyson teased Cohen as they continued on their way.

  “Whatever.”

  When they finally reached the basement, Cohen glanced around. He’d always liked the set-up down here.

  “Here you are,” Tyson said, handing him a beer bottle.

  “Thanks.” Cohen immediately popped the cap and took a long swig.

  “Looks like you needed that.”

  Cohen just shook his head. “Honestly, I could use something stronger.

  “Just from seeing Dee?”

  Cohen didn’t say anything. It had been more than just seeing her. It had been that strong sexual chemistry that had flowed between them, more than anything. There was no need to share that part with Tyson, but then again, he had a feeling he didn’t have to. His friend was overly astute when it pertained to anything sexual. “Yeah, just from seeing Dee.”

  Tyson leaned against a table. “I felt those vibes, man. Any reason the two of you can’t just get it on like normal people?”

  “Get it on?”

  “Yeah,” Tyson said grinning. “I could give you a few pointers, if you need them.”

  Cohen couldn’t help but chuckle as he shook his head. “No thanks.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  He could deny there wasn’t a problem, but he knew Tyson would keep pushing for information. Not because he was nosy, but out of concern.

  “It’s Dee. At one time, she thought she was in love with me.”

  Tyson nodded. “And?”

  “I can’t love her back.”

  Tyson took a swig of his beer. “Can’t love her? Or won’t?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “I think so, Tyson said, staring at him. “There’s a difference.”

  Cohen paused for a minute, then he said, “Okay, I can’t.”

  “Mind if I ask why? She seems like a nice girl.”

  Cohen frowned. “She is a nice girl. That’s why she deserves better.”

  “Better than what?”

  “Better than me.”

  Tyson lifted a brow. “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think most women would think you were a bad catch, being a top neurosurgeon and all.”

  Cohen took another mouthful of beer, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he admitted, “I can’t love her, Tyson. I’m incapable of loving her.”

  Tyson didn’t say anything for a long moment. “I thought I was incapable of loving any woman too, you know. You, of all people, knew how I operated when it came to the opposite sex. Then Hunter came along and changed my mindset real quick. If I can fall in love, so can you.”

  Cohen stared down at his beer bottle a minute, before looking up at Tyson. “There’s a major difference in my situation and yours.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “You’ve never had your heart broken.”

  Tyson just looked at him, a questioning expression on his face. “No, I haven’t. You have?”

  “Yes.” Cohen drained his bottle of beer. But he held on to it, his hands gripping it tightly. “Her name was Amanda Forrestal.” For the next twenty minutes, Cohen told Tyson about Amanda. It was the first time he’d ever told anyone.

  Cohen slammed the beer bottle down on the table. “Damn man, I’d never felt such betrayal in my life. Losing Dad was hard. That, in itself, nearly destroyed me. But I knew I had to be strong for Mom and Stacey. Stace was only ten at the time and had always been a Daddy’s girl. Mom put on a brave front, but I knew she wasn’t okay.

  But returning to scho
ol and accepting what Amanda had done almost killed me. I shut myself off from everyone, trying to come to terms, on my own, with how she’d betrayed me, as well as grieve for my dad.”

  “That was almost eighteen years ago, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d think, after all this time, you would have gotten over some of it by now.”

  Cohen drew in a deep breath. “There’s more.” He picked up another bottle of beer—supplied by Tyson, who obviously knew he was going to need it--and took another swig. “I succumbed to a state of depression unlike anything I’d ever experienced.”

  He then told Tyson how things had been for him, how he’d nearly had a nervous breakdown and how one of his professors had saved him. “The fear of falling back into that black hole still consumes me. Depression nearly destroyed me. I can’t take the risk of it ever happening again.”

  “And you never told anyone, not even your mother or Stacey, what you were going through?” Tyson asked in a low voice.

  “No. I didn’t want them blaming themselves or seeing me as weak. I needed to be strong for them. They needed my strength, not my weakness.”

  “What about your aunt?”

  “Dad was her brother. The two of them were close. She was going through her own grief.”

  “Did you ever see Amanda again after college?”

  “Yes. I ran into her and husband number two at a fundraiser a few years ago in Boston. I understand her marriage to the senator’s son only lasted a couple of years. Her second husband is older, but appears to be rolling in dough. So I guess she’s happy.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  “No. But she taught me a very painful lesson, Tyson. One I won’t ever forget. That’s why I could never love Dee or anyone else. I can’t ever allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable again.”

  Tyson didn’t say anything for a minute and then he walked back over to the cooler to grab himself another beer. He popped the top and took a mouthful before returning to Cohen. “You know what I think?”

  Cohen had a feeling he wouldn’t want to hear what Tyson thought. But he asked anyway. “No, what?”

  “I think you’re not being fair to Dee. She’s not like this Amanda and I believe, deep down, you know that. She wouldn’t tell you she loved you if she didn’t. Dee wouldn’t hurt you that way.”

  “I didn’t say she would. All I’m saying is that I can’t take that risk. The thought of falling that hard and becoming vulnerable again scares the shit out of me. Trust me, if there was anyone I wished I could fall in love with, it would be Dee. But I can’t.” He glanced at his watch. “Come on, let’s go back upstairs before Stacey begins wondering where I am.”

  Tyson nodded. “Okay. Your secret is safe with me.”

  Cohen nodded. “It was time for me to tell someone. I know it won’t go any further. That’s what best friends are for, right?”

  **

  Dee didn’t move until she was certain Cohen and Tyson had gone back upstairs to join the others. She hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. In fact, she’d already been in the basement when she’d heard their voices. She’d needed to pull herself together after seeing Cohen, and had come downstairs for a little privacy. She’d had no idea Cohen and Tyson would come down, as well, and engage in such deep, emotional conversation. And it had been emotional. At least for Cohen.

  Her heart ached for him. How dare that woman betray him like that? It still stunned her, the thought of Cohen in that state. He was a man who was always in control. Cool and calm. She couldn’t imagine him slipping into a deep state of depression, the way he’d described. She was grateful for the professor who’d recognized the signs and had found him help.

  At least now, she knew why Cohen was keeping her at arm’s length. It had nothing to do with their ages or her desirability. He was just trying to protect himself. Amanda hadn’t deserved his love.

  She began pacing, not only to ease her anger at the woman who’d made things so difficult for her, but also to stall for some time before she went back to the party. The last thing she wanted was for Cohen to notice her coming up the stairs. Then he would know she’d heard his secret, a secret he hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Stacey.

  Dee recalled when she’d first met Cohen.

  She and Stacey had become friends when Stacey had moved in with her Aunt Maggie. Maggie Albright had attended the same church as Dee’s parents and she and Stacey had met one Sunday after church. Then school had started a few weeks later and they’d found themselves in a number of the same classes. Over the course of the school year, they’d become the best of friends.

  Stacey had always talked about her big brother who was in medical school, and how she couldn’t wait for him to get serious about a woman so she could have a sister-in-law. That day had never come. Dee knew that Stacey believed it was because Cohen gave everything to his career. But all this time, he’d been only protecting himself.

  She couldn’t claim to imagine what he was going through and couldn’t ever recall getting truly depressed about anything. Even when Cohen had rejected her that first time, she’d been willing to wait it out and hope he’d change his mind. The second time, she’d been hurt and discouraged, but she’d managed to move on.

  All she had to do was recall the sound of his voice while he’d been talking to Tyson. It had been raw, gut-wrenching. She could actually feel the pain he still harbored in his heart, the pain that still consumed him.

  Dee fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He could offer a lot to a woman, if he’d only allow himself to do so, but he wouldn’t. Then, she remembered something else he’d said. “…if there was anyone I wished I could fall in love with, it would be Dee...”

  Should those words give her hope or was he a lost cause? Did she owe it to herself to discover which one it was? What if, in the end, she was the one left with a broken heart? His two rejections had hurt. Could she risk him loving him a third time?

  “Okay,” she said to herself as she stopped pacing. “Is he worth it?” She knew the answer without thinking about it. Yes, he was worth it.

  She’d taken Psychology in college and knew how serious depression could be. She could understand why he’d try so hard to protect himself from any future lapses. How could she prove to him that she wouldn’t hurt him, if only he’d trust her with his heart?

  Drawing in a deep breath, she frowned in deep thought. The first thing she had to do was convince him that she was different from this Amanda. He’d told Tyson that she was different, but did he really believe that? He also thought he could never return her love. Could she find a way to prove him wrong?

  She tapped a finger to her chin, thinking.

  And according to her brothers, a thinking Dee was a dangerous one.

  7

  Okay, what do you have to tell me?”

  Dee glanced across the breakfast table at Stacey. Eli had just left to go to his parents’ home to help his father start grilling the meat. According to Stacey, the elder Steeles had invited a lot of people to their Memorial Day cookout this year.

  Dee placed her fork down. She’d decided to tell Stacey what she’d overheard, though not all of it. The part about Cohen’s bout with depression was something Stacey needed to hear directly from Cohen. Hopefully, one day he would share that part of his life with his sister.

  Yesterday when Dee had finally left the basement, she’d been relieved to find Cohen and Tyson nowhere in sight. Most of the men had gathered outside to help Drew set up tables and chairs on the patio.

  “I think I know the reason Cohen keeps rejecting me.”

  Stacey placed her coffee cup down. “What is it?”

  Before answering, Dee decided to ask a question of her own. “Did you know that Cohen was in love before? And that the woman broke his heart?”

  Stacey lifted her brows. “Cohen? In love? Where did you hear that from?”

  “Cohen.”

  “He t
old you that?”

  Dee shook her head. “No, I overheard him talking to Tyson.” Dee then elaborated on the conversation in the basement.

  “Let me get this straight,” Stacey said, leaning in closer. “Cohen was in love? But when Dad died, the woman dumped him?”

  “Yes. He’d cared for her a lot. I could hear it in his voice when he was talking to Tyson. She definitely left a wound he refuses to let heal.”

  Stacey shook her head slowly. “I should have been more perceptive where Cohen was concerned,” Stacey said sadly. “I should have guessed there was more to his reluctance to change his bachelor status.”

  “And how could you have known when he didn’t tell you?” Dee asked her, refusing to let her friend play the blame game.

  “I should have suspected something, especially when he didn’t take the bait with Linda Miller.”

  Dee cocked a brow. “Linda Miller? Music teacher Linda Miller?”

  “Yes. It was that summer that you spent with your grandparents in Kentucky. Aunt Maggie made me continue my piano lessons all summer. Cohen helped out by picking me up from Linda’s a few times.”

  Dee remembered Linda Miller well. She’d been eight years older than her and Stacey. She was a music teacher in one of the schools and also taught private piano lessons in her home.

  “And?”

  “And I suspected she liked Cohen because on those days she knew Cohen would be picking me up, she’d dress up a bit and flirt with him.”

  “And you tried to get them together?” Dee angrily accused.

  “Yes.”

  “How could you do that when you knew I loved him?”

  Stacey rolled her eyes. “Get real, Dee. We were only fifteen.”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  Stacey shook her head. “You hadn’t told me you loved Cohen, at that point, remember?”

  No, she hadn’t. “Okay, so what happened?”

  Stacey leaned back comfortably in her chair and took another sip of coffee. “When I noticed how interested Linda was in Cohen, all I could think about was that she would make a great big sister-in-law. So I put a plan into motion.”